blueberrypie

Whats the most hurtful thing an ex did to you?

 

Got over you

 

Whats the most hurtful thing you can do to an ex?

 

Get over them

 

Great advice. Except that it's really hard to do.

 

What was the ending of the relationship like? How did it really make you feel afterwards?

 

It's a long story. I'm still confused about the ending. I'm writing it down because I think it may help me understand it better.

We knew that it is going to end. He was graduating and going to China for 6 months. He began to talk about being together since a month before leaving. He kept that for 3 weeks and seemed to be serious. But one week before leaving, he suddenly changed his mind. After one great evening, he dropped the line "I don't think I want to come back after China." It was so sudden and I was heart-broken. I tried to be cool. But he wanted to keep talking, or rather, he wanted me to talk. I asked him how long he thought about that and he said it's been two days. I asked why he didn't tell me earlier and he said that he wasn't sure how he felt till he actually said it. So I said I understood and said goodbye. Before the breakup we planned to watch my favorite musical after his graduation(it was my graduation gift for him), and he said that he still wanted to watch the musical and he could sleep on my couch if I felt uncomfortable sleeping with him. I didn't want to prolong the pain, so I said I don't want him to watch it with him. I tried to leave, but he kept following me. I ended up crying 2~3 hours in front of him and he came to my place and kept company with me. (I know it sound stupid. I shouldn't have done this, but I just couldn't lose him like that.)

The next day we talked almost all day and realized that we're gonna spend all the time before his graduation talking about our relationship so we decided that we are gonna keep the relationship till he goes to China and see what happened after that. So we were sort of the relationship from that point. Two days before the graduation, his parents come, so we had dinner together and went to the dance. He was there, but I could sense that his mind has already left. So I told him he could leave me if he's staying just for me. He was the one who wanted to keep the relationship before he actually leaves the country, so I thought he would say "I'm sorry that I made you feel like that. I'll pay more attention from now on." Boy, was I naive? =( He hesitated for a second and he said that he wanted to leave with his family right after the graduation. He said that he would have said what I have expected if I asked that a day ago(before his parents were in town) but after his parents came everything had changed. He felt like I was holding him back from his family. His parents kept calling him while we were talking about breakup. I could feel that he really wanted to be with his family. I realized that there was nothing I could do. So I said goodbye and was driving home. But again, I couldn't lose him like that. It was so sudden. So I drove back to his way. He was still walking. I stopped my car in front of him and said that I felt it's wrong thing to do. He was persistent. So I just checked there's nothing I could do.

The next day I called him and left a message saying I still felt it's wrong. He called me back and said there's nothing he could do. I told him that we at least need a proper goodbye. So we met that night and said goodbye. He said he's gonna look me up when he comes back from China. I said goodbye and he said 'see you'.

Two weeks later, the day before his leaving to China he called me. I wouldn't have answered but the caller-id was blocked so I answered. We talked about 10 minutes. I tried to be as normal as possible and I think I was successful. He said he missed me and he's gonna keep in touch with me.

That was rather long story of how the relationship ended.

Even after writing it, I don't know how I feel. Should I be mad at him because he is being so selfish? That's how I feel. I feel that he's selfish. He does whatever he wants to do at that moment without considering me.

Or should I be mad at me becuase I said that he could leave me if it was just for me when I wanted him to stay with me no matter what?

I think he will actually contact me when he comes back from China. But at that time I want to look like I'm changed, like I moved on. But deep in my mind I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't want to bring the baggage in a new relationship. So I want to be healed first. But I'm afraid that if I stay alone he's gonna think that I was waiting for him and think I'm pathetic. Is it a wrong thing to think?

It's been three weeks. Day after day I feel better.

I'm trying to get myself in a stage where I could say 'no' if he comes back. I'm trying this because I lost trust in him. Even if he comes back, I wouldn't be able to believe everything he says. He didn't have another girl or something like that. But he promised the future and took it back without a reasonable reason(he said he didn't want to feel restrained).

I really want to be back together. But when I tried to think about the scenario of his coming back, I realize that it's close to impossible scenario. And then I begin to feel abandoned again. He's already gone, so I shouldn't feel abandoned again.

How can I get over this feeling?

Three weeks have been passed and the pain has subsided.

I tried so hard not to think about him that I cannot even remember his face.

I think I'm moving on. But when is a good time to begin to date again? I don't want to have a 'rebound'. When do you think is safe to date, not to 'rebound?'

Thanks for the reply, jchan.

I know I should focus on me if I'm gonna let him go.

But when we broke up he said that he wanted to leave the possilibity of getting back together when he comes back from China.

He is the guy I wanted to marry and still do. I probably didn't want to move on and then get back together then. So I wanted to linger on what he said and tried to hope and wait that he will actually come back.

I was going to say that I just want to wait for him if I figure out that he will come back eventually. But as I was writing, I realized that it doesn't matter. The possibility that he 'may' come back to me shouldn't make me wait for him. I can still move on. I may meet someone else who not just loves me but also can commit, or I don't meet anyone and he comes back and we get back together. But even if we are going to be together eventually it's still better for me to move on.

I just don't know how to spend time without him, I guess. Any suggestion?

I recently broke up with my ex for the third time. Yes, third time. First two times happened after a month and two months after we began to date. We got back together after two weeks and were together for another seven months.

He is turning to 22 and I am 27. He just graduated from college and I just finished my third year in a grad school. We enjoyed our time together, but we couldn't keep doing it because he's going to China for 6 months in two weeks. He had been against long-distance relationship, so we sort of assumed that we are gonna breakup when he goes to China. But since one month ago he kept talking about how great our relationship was and how much he wants to keep the relationship even when he goes to China. I really liked him and was willing to have a long-distance relationship so I agreed. That lasts for 3 weeks. Last week all of a sudden, after one great evening, he told me that he didn't want to come back after China. It was so abrupt that I couldn't accept it. I couldn't think that as real. We talked and decided to talk about it more. Next day he talked to his parents about our situation and during the conversation he realized that he didn't not want to come back, he didn't want to promise that he will come back for sure. He probably wants to come back after China, but he's not sure and he doesn't want me to be restrained because of him. Yes, it sounds like a very lame excuse. I would have said that I shouldn't hope anything will happen later if it was anyone else's situation. But, you know, it's hard to accept the end when there is even a little bit of hope if it's your business. =(

We spent literally all the time together(even when we are sleeping), so I really miss a person to spend time with. The morning right after I wake up is the hardest. I sort of forget that we are not together any more and realize that he's not here any more to hold me and says he loves me and wants to stay in the bed as long as we can just holding each other.

I live alone which makes it hard to have a non-lonely morning time. He went back his home with his family, so he wouldn't have time to miss me. Every now and then I really miss talking to him and think about calling him. But he would be with either his family or his high school friends and will feel pity for me. I don't want him to feel pity for me. I want him to miss me in a good way. But it's his mind. I cannot make him feel what I want him to feel. But I can prevent him from thinking I'm desperate.

But when we broke up, since we like each other and it's just a situation which makes us apart( he didn't even want to use a word 'breakup' because it sounds like we stop dating because we stop loving each other.), we decided to remain as friends. But did he really mean it? Did he really love me and wanted to be with me but had to be apart from me because he doesn't want me to be restrained to him, or it was just an excure to make him look nice(or rather, less bad)?

When people love other person, do they really want their happiness so that they can let go of that person so that the other person can be happy hoping that they can get together when the timing is right? Or blaming timing is just a nice way of saying that "I'm not that into you". If it's just "I'm not that into you", why did he keep saying that he was ready to commit the previous 3 weeks when I didn't expect it? Can a person actually change his mind from 'ready-to-commit' to 'wanna-break-up' without any major problem?