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keenan

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Everything posted by keenan

  1. keenan
    Where's NJRon when we need him? He'd know how to convince you not to respond. Take a look at some of his old posts.
  2. keenan
    Women who are cool enough to be worth your time will focus lots, lots more on your behavior than your wallet. Money doesn't have anything to do with generosity. As I type this, I realize that it's going to sound terrible, but I'll try to explain it anyway. In a financial sense, a woman will understand that you're spending a decent percentage of your income on her--but the absolute dollar amount doesn't matter. I notice whether a guy is nice to waiters, if he tips a decent amount, and if he tries to 'treat me' in his own way. I unconsciously scale that to his income, and frankly don't care if that means spending the afternoon at the zoo, then splitting a pizza and a bottle of cheap red wine on the floor of his apartment, or going to the sympony, then sharing seared black-pepper scallops and a 120 dollar bottle of champagne before heading to his swank downtown condo. I've been in both situations with my husband, and I cared lot more about his love, kindness, and generosity toward ME than any of the trappings. A dime in the tip jar, a fiver in the tip jar--it's the sharing with other humans, and especially your S.O., that matters. And now that my marriage has dissolved and I'm back on a grad student salary, I'm MORE that happy to split a pizza!
  3. keenan
    I don't know how pregnancy influences things. Never been there. But there is part of me that (and I'm sorry, ladies) agrees that women are a bit more complicated than men. If a guy says he needs space, I believe him and walk away. But if a woman says it, it really depends on the woman. It's possible that she completely means it. I would. But it's also possible that she's pushing you to make some changes, and feels like pulling away is the only way to get your attention. This is especially true if she's wanting to get married. You refer to being indecisive, and I assume this has been part of the issue. (The child is yours, correct?) It's also possible that you've been so indecisive that she's decided you're not worth the effort, and is trying to heal herself...without you. But I have to say that I think it's not very nice of you to label her as irrational. It sounds like you haven't been clear about what you want, either, and that you decided only *after* she gave you the boot that you really want her back. Is that rational? If you really want her back, send her a big ol' bunch of flowers and a heartfelt card explaining yourself. Beg a little. (But don't stalk her or scare her!) But redhook--Be sure of your motives--don't go all gushy on her if you're not positive this is what you want...or next time it won't be so fuzzy about whether she really wants her space.
  4. keenan
    yeah. sigh. and we drive prices up everywhere because of it. if only the guys got better and better, too.
  5. keenan
    I think it's the same reason that we like cute shoes a little better when we realize we can't possibly afford them. ...and a little less when we realize we can.
  6. keenan
    Or you could ignore it. Sounds like she's trying to get a rise out of you, either because she's lonely or angry. You know you're not guilty, and *so does she*. Not a good situation to walk into. I'm sorry to get off topic, but xtina, your avatar is so cute! I smile everytime I see it.
  7. keenan
    It's possible that she feels a little embarrassed. You're a new guy for her, too. She was drinking a lot, she sent you messages all night, and then she passed out. She probably woke up feeling like she didn't make the best impression. Also, she probably felt a little sick and not her prettiest the next morning. Wait a bit for her to recover, then call and act friendly and normal. Maybe laugh about how you feel stupid that you were so drunk that you had to crash at her place, so if she feels awkward too, she can laugh and confess that she was feeling the same. You can bond over it.
  8. keenan
    Re: the carrot. I suggest peeling, grating, or chopping.
  9. keenan
    Am trying to sort this out. Here's the way I understand your situation: So...you have a boyfriend, you made out with another guy, you told your best friend about it, then she told your boyfriend about it, and then you beat her up. And now you want to know why she would rat on you. Right? Ok. Well...she could have told on you for a lot of reasons. At the 'good' end, maybe she considers your boyfriend to be a good guy and a real friend, and she felt uncomfortable about keeping secrets from him. In the 'neutral' area, maybe she is just weak and wanted to stir up some excitement to make herself seem more interesting. At the 'bad' end, maybe she likes your boyfriend and wants you guys to break up. Maybe she's angry with you for some other reason and wants to get back at you. Maybe lots of things, actually. Overall, it sounds like you two aren't super loyal to one other, so maybe you shouldn't confide your secrets to her. Also, I'd try to keep it from getting physical, if you can. You're the one who is suspended (for the 3rd time), and you're the one who looks out of control. Since you've tried the violence approach and it doesn't seem to be working out for ya, try something else: Be classy, be cool. Be more dignified than her. That's a better way of making her look petty. And you won't get blood on your shirt.
  10. keenan
    Are you kidding me?! He calls you names, yells at you, tells you to shut up, and pulls age rank on you? Is he your boyfriend, or a school yard bully? Honey, he's the child in this relationship. Do you actually *like* this guy? Because the word 'friend' in 'boyfriend' is the most important one.
  11. keenan
    Wow. What a fantastic post! Thanks for sharing those great insights, octopus.
  12. keenan
    Ugh. I wouldn't know how to deal with that. I think I'd feel like he was trivializing our relationship by not realizing that LUNGING at me with a big, friendly grin might be confusing and sad and just...weird. He apparently does NOT feel that this is hard, so it just rubs salt in the wound. But maybe he's just wanting everything to be normal and happy and friendly as possible so that he doesn't have to feel guilty, or feel like he has unfinished business with you. Maybe he wants it to be all smooth and pretty, so he's trying to fake his way to that place without actually earning it by respecting you. Want him to stop? Next time he lunges at you, 'accidentally' kick him really hard in the groin. Do it again the second time. Unless he's really dumb, he'll keep his distance. Sigh. That is not a practical solution, I know. But it's fun to think about.
  13. keenan
    let's see. i like guys who are dull-witted, boring, apathetic, mean, sullen, selfish, condescending, belittling, rude, impatient, arrogant, and controlling...and who never, ever make me laugh. oh SHOOT! wrong list. so sorry. just flip those upside-down.
  14. keenan
  15. keenan
    I agree with RayKay: Yes, you're being treated like crap. Yes, you just listed a lot of big red flags. Think about it this way: If your best girlfriend told you the same story you just told us, what would you think? What would you advise her to do? (For the record, I'd tell *my* best friend that she is WAY too good to be taking any of that crap off of this dude, even if he was the king of the world until two weeks ago. A lot of things could have "happened" to make him change his behavior toward you, but he's probably not going to tell you the truth. Unfortunately, you're having to deal with how he's behaving now, not how he was behaving before he turned into SuperJerk.) Good luck with this!
  16. keenan
    Oh, man...I feel this way, too. I don’t mean to sound sappy or idealistic when I say that I think my husband was fantastic...amazing...in nearly every way--all the way from major personality characteristics I admire down to tiny, idiosyncratic stylistic preferences that really made us click. I'll never find that particular magic combination again, and it breaks my heart. Really. However, I have two saving graces: (1) I realize that one way in which my husband is NOT amazing is that he no longer really feels the same way about me; (2) I think there are other 'magic' combinations that are probably just as rewarding, but in a different way. I never spent much time noticing or thinking about other guys, but I do have a lot of guy friends...and that has given me the chance to see first-hand a little bit of the magic that they share with their wives and girlfriends. That magic comes from characteristics and little preferences that I wouldn't miss, because they were not part of my relationship. They were invisible to me. But I can kind of…sort of…maybe (if I squint really hard and try not to think too much) imagine that a whole constellation of currently ‘invisible’ qualities will become really, really important to me someday if and when I love somebody who has them. one quick edit: I guess that I'm saying I'm not convinced we love people just because they have the right laundry list of perfect qualities. I'm suggesting that we grow to value and love some qualities because the person we love and admire has them. They work in tandem.
  17. keenan
    Interesting thread, Hunny. We have a long, great history together, and the most part my ex has been genuinely kind and caring...he feels sad and guilty. BUT I admit that I've grown to dread and loathe a whole family of "wolf in sheep's clothing" one-liners that seem to pop out of his mouth when he doesn't have anything of substance to offer: "You're absolutely perfect, I know I'm going to regret this someday [uh...you wouldn't regret it if you didn't do it]"; "You're such a catch; you deserve somebody who can give you so much more than I can right now [thanks...but not a good enough catch for you, huh?]"; "Everyone thinks I'm crazy to be doing this, and I feel like I'm making such a mistake [yet you're going to keep right on making it, right?]"; "I'm going to miss you so much [mmm, you wouldn't have to miss me if you were with me]". And my personal fave: "I love you so much [subtext: but not enough to actually want be with you]." Drivel. Seems like nice drivel on the surface, but feels like hurtful drivel underneath. I think it makes it easier for him to sugar coat falling out of love with me. I know he intends to be nice (or maybe he's just a big chicken), but these mixed messages made it really darned confusing for me for a long time. No, I don't want him to be mean, but I would have appreciated a little more honesty...or bravery...or self-control...or at least some insight into what his "sweet" lines were doing to me. Wow...thanks for letting me vent.
  18. keenan
    Good for you, Lady Bugg. It's always nice to hear that these feelings won't last forever. Thanks.
  19. keenan
    It's probably normal, but it kind of sucks for the girls if you let them think you might want more. But if you're up front about it just being physical and they go along, no harm no foul...I guess?
  20. keenan
    I dunno. It's just a rapid 'categorization' that we do unconsciously based on a whole constellation of behaviors. I have lots of gay friends, and I think I can tell pretty quickly whether somebody is gay or straight. But I don't really think about it that much, and I'm sure I'm wrong sometimes. It'd be pretty arrogant of me to think otherwise. But I mean, I can also tell pretty quickly if somebody is confident, generous, emotionally available, and generally happy & healthy. Having said that, most of my gay guy friends claim to have NO problem spotting somebody who is "one of us" (their phrase)...and they even chuckle at the ones who don't (yet) self-identify as gay. Who knows it they're right either, though.
  21. keenan
    shebop, scout is right: you're an inspiration. stay your course; you're piloting your ship with smarts and strength. you are WAY too great to be hanging out on this guy's back burner. (enough metaphors for ya?)
  22. keenan
    You're in a hotel in No Contact? Cool. (1) Friends, but am not looking forward to seeing him with somebody else. (2) A solid 1. Now it mosty hovers around 2, plus or minus 1. (3) This was the worst. (4) 1, 2, and 4. 4 = shock; plus having to reorganize my future, mentally. (5) Rejection is just salt in the wound. (6) He wasn't cold or cruel, but I find the 180-degree "love U-turn" *astonishing*.
  23. keenan
    You're not stupid. You're human. The situation and the alcohol were tailor-made to make you vulnerable, and you caved. If your friend loves you, she'll forgive you. She's probably feeling irritated that you spoiled "her" night--but you know what? Life is a heckuva lot more complicated than that, and if she's got an ounce of sense and compassion, she'll realize it, and will stop pulling the silly Bridezilla act. On the bright side, you learned a heck of a lesson, and you probably won't do it again. Plus you got a pretty spooky and mean response from the ex, which frankly, seems like valuable information to have. He's not the kindest guy out there, is he? Be careful.
  24. keenan
    Er.... Female here. There are lots of different preferences, just as guys have lots of different preferences for how women groom themselves. It depends on the kind of women you date, but I'd say you can't go wrong with mostly natural to moderately tidy. Perhaps a bit trimmed, but certainly not too ah, bare or fancy. Many women don't like guys who are high-maintenance in the 'primping' department, and this falls under that heading. No pun intended. Well, sort of intended.
  25. keenan
    yeah, at this point i'd probably just ask, because it's taking so much out of you. but i see naomi's point--i remember when i was in high school (a looog time ago!) i'd flirt with just about everybody in the area *except* for this one guy i was actually really into. i was super shy around him, and somehow i thought that by being really upbeat and goofy and flirty with his friends, he'd see that i was cool and fun to be around and want to be with me more.... uh, no. it just really ticked him off. thank goodness he told me so, and i cut it out. so maybe your guy is really not into you, or maybe he is but finds it safer to flirt with your best friend because he's got nothing to lose with her. ugh.
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