keenan

Bleh. I try this (and it works), but I hate it. I feel like I'm tarnishing something that was really beautiful so that it has less power over me--essentially distorting or destroying my own memories so that I can move forward. Highlighting the negatives so that there's less contrast with the positives is really effective...but it throws off the natural balance that really existed (in my mind) in my life for so long. I wish there was a way to let go without ruining the past.

I don't pull my hair out and never have, but I'm interested in the disorder. A friend told me that when monkeys get really stressed out, they sit and rub their heads for hours, sometimes so much that their hair falls out. I've noticed that when I get stressed I reach up and twirl my hair a lot...or if I read or watch a movie and I get really anxious about the outcome, I'm likely to reach up for hair next to my scalp & comb my fingers through it nervously. It's almost like I can't help it--I only notice it afterwards, and I have to force myself put my hands down. Most people don't notice, but my ex would tease me about it. I never have the urge to pull it out, though, so I'm wondering if trich falls at the end of a continuum: head rubbing --> hair twirling/combing-->hair pulling...or if it's a separate, discrete disorder. What do you guys think? Do any of you with trich also have other hair/head touching issues, or did you, prior to pulling?

I'm with Dako and GreatGuy. At some point it becomes as much about being able to look back on your own behavior without regret as anything else. You can't control how she behaved, and you've suffered enough for that. Don't contribute to your suffering by doing something you'll be ashamed of or embarrassed about later. Be polite and friendly, try not to break down. Seeing her again may affect you more than you expect. Be strong.

Doesn't happen. I don't love the phone, but I don't have a problem keeping a phone conversation going. When there's nothing to say but you both want to keep talking, you joke about how awkward and silly the situation is. It reduces tension and turns you into conversational teammates instead of dance partners. Then you point out that the two of you are going to have to dig deeper for new material. Ask about your partner's first grade teacher, his/her childhood nemesis, or favorite planet. If you're curious about each other, it's all good. Random bits help complete the picture. Even silly stuff leads places. 'Do you like puzzles, or hate them?' can lead to a myriad of nooks and crannies--forgotten stories, complaints about siblings, childhood hospital trips, etc. But I'm a goofball and like that sort of miscellaneous info. If the other person is the same way, it works out.

If you like O.A.R., "So Moved On" is brilliant for breakups. I like the live version on 34th & 8th.

This was last night, right? If you haven't heard from her by now (and if her excuse wasn't pitch-perfect and beautiful), then let her go. Either she's playing you, she's not interested, or she's got major anxiety issues. She's rude, either way. Sorry.

Honesty, smarts, inquisitiveness, generosity, maturity. Wicked sense of humor. Self-awareness + good social radar. Consistency. Love of travel & adventure a must. (Am I writing an ad?)

nikkers04: how's it going with the new guy?

Well, it's a perfectly OK situation if you can live with it, respect her wishes, and not resent her. It's the sacrifice you make for loving her and choosing to be with her. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Wow, Dako. I missed this entire thread--I joined the site a bit too late. I wanted to bump it up to point out how far you've come in the last month and a half. Well done, my man. Seriously.

smile, eyes, shoulders, voice, smell. hands. ren, smell is an intangible one. i HATE HATE HATE (did i say that enough) men's cologne. totally grosses me out. but i love that 'just out of the shower' smell...and some guys just seem to have a pleasant smell all by themselves--not perfumey...just plain & nice. i dunno.

Tell them it happened two months ago, that it was one of your only times, and that you haven't done it since & don't intend to. Tell them that you're really sorry. You can't do much else. It kills your memory, you know. Bad stuff.

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. My dad died when I was 27. It was totally unexpected; I never got a chance to say goodbye. I was in complete and utter shock for a long time--denial, horror at the situation, complete disbelief that this could happen to me. The thing I wanted most was the thing I could never have--to have just *5 minutes* with him, to tell him how much I love him and how much he means, and will always mean, to me...how much he shaped my entire life. It took me a good year to even begin to feel normal again. I really don't remember being 27. Now, nearly 5 years later, I can talk about it without crying, and think about him without thinking about his death. This is so tough on you, I know. Please know that we're here anytime you need to talk, and that WE will check on YOU. The thing that hurt me a lot when I went through this was that many of my good friends just disappeared. They loved me and wanted me to be ok...but they were also scared and didn't know what to say...or how to say it...so they often ended up saying nothing, and not calling at all. Pretending that everything is FINE is not helpful, imo. And as for how you're coping right now, at this moment? I'm sure that's pretty individual. Not only was I in shock, but I was somehow really mad that the world just continued on as normal. It seemed so bizarre to me that everyone around me (who didn't know) would get out of bed and go about their daily lives just as though nothing had happened...because my world had effectively stopped turning. I had the strongest urge to tell everyone what had happened--from the taxi driver who drove me to the airport to fly back for his funeral, to the people who worked in the coffee shop where I got breakfast everyday. I didn't tell them...but I understand the need to make it real to everyone by announcing it. I also did a lot of 'bargaining' in my head--what would I give up if I could only have those 5 minutes with him...if our last conversation hadn't been a fight...if I had told him that I loved him once more? I found that it helped a lot, perversely, to talk to people who had also had their dads die young. I felt that somehow we shared a special bond. I still do, actually. Your dad wouldn't want you to suffer through this more than you are. Forgive yourself for not saying the right things at the right time. Give yourself the freedom to be alone sometimes, and be with friends other times. Give yourself the freedom to cry or NOT cry, depending on what you need at the moment. It will change from day to day, week to week. Hang tight. Keep in touch.

I think it depends on the natural converstational compatability you have with the other person, w.r.t. turn taking, length of pauses, subtlety of humor, etc. If your converstaional/intonational styles don't really 'click', then the clues you get from face to face contact are really vital. If you do click on the phone with someone, conversations can get really deep & meaningful really fast, partly because neither of you feels as shy. Sometimes, face to face contact is almost too intense. Two exceptions: (1) cell phones & headsets are terrible for me, because the extra pauses just throw that natural tempo way off; (2) video phones are a nightmare: pauses AND weird distorted faces. No thanks.

Feel free to post it, luvagain. We're experienced with heartbreak and will listen with a sympathetic ear. Good luck.

Thanks for this.

mmm. maybe baseball was a slower game in my day. 1st=kissing; 2nd=shirt; 3rd=pants; 4th=sex. but hey...life is faster now. who needs kissing?

Yeah. Octopus, I have to admit that though I'm usually a pretty upbeat & low-key person, I've been on Celexa for two months now to help me fight through the break-up junk. I'm still me, but less anxious and grumpy. It feels pretty great--I might be happy to stay on it for another 5 or 10 years. I'm not saying your guy wasn't messed up in other ways, though. The last one was a killer.

He collected velvet Elvis pictures? LOL. I gotta tell ya...between the skunk tail and the velvet Elvises, I'm now a bit more anxious about dating again someday. I read an article in the NY Times today about websites where women post pictures & facts about dishonest or weird guys they've dated (I think one was called link removed), so that other women can avoid them. I think you two owe it to the female half of humanity to get these boys posted.

No, it's not dorky. It's sweet. As for the CD...how about music that the two of you like listening to together? Either 'hanging out' music for just spending the day together or driving around, or more romantic music for spending...quiet time...together. You could even do one of each, and label them Day and Night. Have fun!

I'm sorry Ren, but I just can't quite get over this. I'm still laughing, 10 minutes later. I know that there are lots of very different and interesting kinds of people in the world, and I love that. But...a skunk tail? That he made? Out of felt? In public? All the time? And he lived with his mom? How did he explain the skunk tail, and at what point did alarm bells start to go off? Did he spray, as well?

oh gosh, ren. you win, big time. i almost choked to death on the pizza i'm eating b/c i'm laughing so hard. thanks.

I would like to add Dako's 2, 3, and 4 to my list, please. I'm guilty of #7. But al dente doesn't *really* mean crunchy...and isn't it *sometimes* good to taste the food while you're cooking it, just to make sure it's coming together. #10 is terrible. Glad we never had that problem.