keenan

I'm in the classier date camp. Variety is nice, and most girls do like to get dressed up a bit for the occasional splurgy evening out. If you would both enjoy it, go out for a fancy dinner. If that feels like too much pressure, what about getting dressed up for Saturday evening drinks & appetizers, then going to a play...or to see some live music? You could make a music event as formal as you want--anywhere between a cool club & a symphony. Hmmm, then for a fourth date, you could try an afternoon at a museum, or a Sunday brunch at your place (you cook), or a picnic at a lake.... Hey, can I just plan your schedule? ;-) Save the CD...it's too much, too fast.

I'm curious--what's your reason for ignoring him? I get that you want to seem mysterious and slightly unavailable...but I really loved friscodj & njron's advice. Why not participate in this fun with him, instead of being the chilly task-master who give him the cold shoulder when he wants to be silly? It'll demonstrate to him that he can be fun and crazy WITH you, rather than setting up a contrast that is not going to serve you well: nagging with you, or fun without you. Why not tell him that you've missed him like crazy, that you get that he needs to recalibrate between med school and working, and that you love him and want to have fun with while he does that? Then DO it. Show him that you've got some spirit and don't always have to be prim and responsible...and that you won't hold him to a life of constant, unwavering, prim responsibility. That he was thrilled to see you on Friday night suggests that he'd love to give this a try.

WAY TO GO!!! This may be a small step, but it's a PIVOTAL small step. Your sexual orientation shouldn't feel like a blight or a burden on your life. You ARE "just" you...and you're great! Always please keep in mind that it's your past and current social situation (where you live, etc.) that is making this such a struggle for you. It won't always be so hard. Hold close to your heart the knowledge that anybody who would think less of you because you're gay doesn't deserve to have *you* as a friend. Big hug.

I only understand a few words. It _sounds_ beautiful, though. Feel like translating?

no way! i'll have to check that out. thanks.

Well, ok. If we want to play hardball, Nine Inch Nails has another angry & satisfying song that walks the line between helping and hurting: Only I'm becoming less defined, as days go by Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself Sometimes, I can see right through myself Less concerned, about fitting into the world Your world that is, cause it doesn't really matter anymore (No, it doesn't really matter anymore) No, it doesn't really matter anymore None of this sh... really matters anymore Yes, I am alone, but then again I always was As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it's because Because you were never really real to begin with I just made you up to hurt myself I just made you up to hurt myself Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself I just made you up to hurt myself Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself And it worked Yes it did! There is no you, there is only me There is no you, there is only me There is no * * * *ing you, there is only me There is no * * * *ing you, there is only me Only (x4) Well, the tiniest little dot caught my eye And it turned out to be a scab And I had this funny feeling Like I just knew it's something bad I just couldn't leave it alone Picking at that scab It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut But I climbed through Now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see And now I know why now, now I know why Things aren't as pretty on the inside There is no you, there is only me There is no you, there is only me There is no * * * *ing you, there is only me There is no * * * *ing you, there is only me

awww, landslide. always sort of reminds me of my dad; he died five years ago. good pick. p.s. am listening to this right now. thanks!

I think many people here have gone through this this same thought process. It's warm and safe here at enotalone, and a bit scary out in the real world. Analysis paralysis can definitely be a crutch, and sometimes what we really need is to let go a little, get out a little, and get movin' a lot. NC from enotalone is tough! Good luck, Lily girl! You'll be great. Hug.

Well put, luvagain. The problem with breaking NC (which I do regulary, btw) is that you never get what you hope you'll get from the other person. The content of the converstations change over time, but the outcome is still almost always disappointing: Early on, you'll have all these mini-revelations about what you could have done better in your relationship...and you'll feel the nearly irresistible urge to call your ex and explain that you've seen the light (!) and that if only you can have another try, just to prove that you can handle it better this time by doing x, y, and z...then it will work out. But as luvagain says, the other person just doesn't care anymore. It's too late. They aren't in the relationship anymore, and haven't been for a long time. (This idea that the other person really 'checked out' of the relationship long ago helps me make sense of the seeming 180 degree turn in feelings that happens overnight--it's really a slow process that is invisible to us.) Then later, you'll break NC to try to establish a good solid friendship--both for your own peace of mind so that you can feel *some* degree of continutity and normalcy in your life...and so you can (secretly, admit it) keep the line of communication open *just in case* the other person has a change of heart. The problem here is that even if you're able to stay friends, the other person always feels a little guilty and weird about the way your relationship dissolved, so they can't be totally themselves with you anymore. You have the person's outward shell in your life (looks the same, walks the same, talks the same) but not really the good friend you remembered from before. So every time you talk, you walk away feeling unsatisfied even with the friendship part of it. It's like eating cheap fake chocolate when you're used to the 70% cocoa good stuff. You want more and more to get the goodness and satisfaction that you're craving, but no matter how much you eat you'll never get it. You'll just get sick. I hope that all made sense and that it's relevant. I have a bad headcold and am full of meds. I think I just had my daily rant, though. Thanks all.

Sigh. I guess it depends on the length, depth, and breadth of the relationship. It all stinks, though.

I think it means that I care for you deeply as a friend and a person who has shared my life with me for a long while, but I no longer wanna rip your clothes off every night, wake up next to you every morning, and listen to your long and boring (yet insightful) ruminations about life every Saturday afternoon. Nor do I any longer want to grocery shop by your side, urge you to walk more slowly when we go for evening walks, suffer through art museums in silence, or ask you, for the thousandth time, if your black wool sweater can go in the dryer (No, it can't.). But rest assured I'll think of you fondly five years from now when I'm with my new and more exciting partner, and I may sometimes have twinges of regret. But probably not. My pragmatic interp. ;-D

Wow. Ick. That's not a dent, it's a pothole. You're too good for this guy, FoxLocke. Sure, you *could* have a relationship with him, but why the heck would you want to?? He obviously has battles to fight with himself, but you shouldn't have to join his army.

Congrats. Be safe. Cute puppy!!

Yeah, it sucks if the other girl is prettier than we are. I think most girls also do that same 'up and down' thing, but the unconscious summary of the process usually amounts to something as shallow and tacky as "Yeah, I could take her" or "Ugh, she wins." I try to always ignore that horrid little devil on my shoulder, though, and try to be even nicer the the girls who are prettier than me, just so I'm one of those hateful bi*tchy women who won't make eye contact with (let alone talk to) other girls. Nasty. As far as your guy doing the same scan, I got to the point where I knew the kind of girls my husband would be inclined to check out, and I'd make a little joke out of it. Sometimes I'd even grin and point it out first, "Hey, my man--she's totally your type!" which would usually result in a hug or a "YOU'RE my type" comeback (After the appraisal, of course!).

Sorry you're suffering, DDave. NC takes a lot of strength and courage. Hang in there, and post as often as you need to. My ex and I doing the friends thing for now, but it's super hard. It requires lots of self-control for both of us, and causes us lots of secret suffering. Three steps forward, two and a half steps back. I'm going to keep trying to make it work because we both really want this friendship...but I think it's the long & winding route to recovery, for sure. Stay strong....

It's totally normal, but it can be annoying if he's super obvious or does it all the time. Try reciprocating with cute guys and see how your bf reacts. Maybe he'll tone it down a bit then, and do a better job of keeping his eyes on you.

Nah, you're not. But if you find him, will you share?

Good answer, Pikey1972. "Backpacking" for people who live in places with lots of wilderness (mountains, desert, whatever) also means camping without a car. You essentially put all your stuff--tent, sleeping bag, food, water, supplies--in your big pack, drive into the wilderness (usually to the head of a well-documented trail, with a trail map in your pocket), and hike x number of miles until you reach a suitable camp spot. Pitch tent, cook meal, look at stars, read, etc....sleep. The next morning you pack it all up and either turn back around, or you keep on going for as long as you want--multi days or multi weeks, depending on your stamina! Where you actually hike and camp depends on your region, and on the regulations of whatever forest service monitors those trails. You usually want to be careful to have the right safety gear and maps, and to tell people where you're going in case you need rescue...or so they know where to look for the body if you become bear food.

It sounds like she likes you, but that she's being careful because you seem to be playing it a bit too cool. The 'e-mailing after two weeks' and 'calling after a week' gaps might be giving her doubts about your feelings, and not going to her birthday party when she made a special effort to invite you might have reinforced that. The fact is (and I'm not saying it's a good thing) that lots of guys are pretty assertive about letting women know they're into us.... They write, they call, they make excuses to see us. So if you're a little shy and are hanging back, she could be reading it as not interested. If you like her, call her straight away and just tell her so. You don't need to be pushy or needy, just friendly and honest and sweet. Too much more messing around like this could wear her out. My $0.02.

No way! If he's interesting & is into getting to know each other (not just hearing the sound of his own voice), I like it a lot.

Sheesh. Somebody should take a poll of most commonly used break-up phrases. If I ever hear "It's not you, it's me" again in my life I think I'll spontaneously combust. Hearing "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" will cause me to combust AND move towards the perpetrator, so as to encompass him in my ball of fire. Sorry to be violent. I'm not actually advocating combustion revenge. I just think it's amazing how common these phrases are, and how all dumpees seem to generate them on their own (unless they all secretly have copies of a Dummies guide to breaking up??). LOL.

That's really nice. Thanks!

Hey, FoxLocke. Am so sorry to hear about Charlie. Thanks for sharing your puppy love with us. I'm crazy about my feisty orange tabby cat, and will be so sad to lose him someday. He's 11 years old now and sleeps tons and is losing his bright color, but he still runs around the house like a fiend, plays fetch with ink pens, and waits for me in the window when when I leave. He's like a dog. Don't worry--Charlie will find a new home where he's happy.

1. some women embrace the b-word for at least 2 reasons: (1) it's a proxy for power. to the extent that the word represents toughness, resilience, or an unwillingness to submit to historically-accepted social practices, they grab it and flaunt it. it's in the same spirit of the 'well behaved women rarely make history' bumper stickers. i don't do it, but i get the spirit of the nose-thumbing. (2) it's an in-group adoption of a demeaning term, much the way some african americans use the N word to describe themselves and each other. the spirit of the argument for why people do this is that if you OWN the word, then YOU have taken the power of it from your oppressors. you can then change it to suit your own needs. 2. attraction is powerful, and familiarity is comfortable 3. some linguists claim that men and woman have, in general, different conversational patterns. these people suggest that women engage in greater turn-taking--rapid give and take with expected and accepted interruptions. they suggest that men take fewer turns, but talk more during a turn. SO...what you might be seeing is that women complain that men don't take as many turns as women (not talking), but when they do, they hog the conversation (interrupting but not sharing).

great hobby ideas, everybody. mmm, i do a bit of kayaking, skiing, & backpacking; i go see a ton of live music, and i also love to read and cook. (cooking stinks as a solo person, though.) i've been thinking lately about learning to fly. i'd also love to learn to play the banjo, but i'm afraid i'm too old to pick it up. sigh. mouse_potato, skydiving is on my list for march/april; if we lived closer we could do it together! bkjsun, my friends tell me that dance lessons are a great place to meet people & make friends--salsa, swing, tango, etc.