keenan

Good, then you can tell me! It's easier to dish it than to take it.

I guess I should clarify that I was thinking more about LTRs than brief relationships. If a guy was in a relationship with a girl for 5 years, and they became close to one another's family, had pets together, etc., then I would be surprised if they never talked...even if that's just once a year. But dating for a few weeks or months is different. Then it comes down to how he thinks and talks ABOUT these exes, rather than how much he communicates with them. I'm with maggie18; if he talks trash about them all, then you have to wonder why.

Yeah...why are you confused? She's into you, and you can't stop thinking about her. Take a deep breath and do it.

Isn't every life reevaluation a midlife crisis of sorts? D, You don't have to be proud of yourself right now, and you don't have to shoulder the burden of imagining what women would think of you. That's not your burden yet--so set it down. Your short-term goal isn't a return to "normalcy." Your short-term goal is surviving the highs and lows of this equilibration process without doing long-term damage to yourself or others. Deep breath. You've just come off a big high. The high was about stretching out and imagining yourself as whole and healthy again. That's not a joke--it's a vital part of the process. The process involved distancing yourself from your former relationship so that you can start to mark the boundaries of YOU...by yourself. That's hard...it's humbling, it's terrifying sometimes. It's normal to struggle mightily to figure out those boundaries, and to second guess everything you've done, everything you might want to become. Call it a midlife crisis if it helps to define it and explain it, but don't call it that to trivialize it. D, think about this: There is no perfect end-state. There's no target 'normal' to go forward to, or to go back to, or to judge yourself against. Whatever self-acceptance & happiness that you stumble into will be NEW self-acceptance & happiness, and finding it will take some time. You can't force it. You can't get there faster. (Even on a red Ducati.) So...ease up on yourself. You've got friends to help you along the way, shoulders to cry on, and people to laugh with. And 53 isn't old, so knock that sh!t off.

Be glad for little things...like, that he doesn't have really bad breath. Or...that he doesn't leave snotty crumpled kleenex lying around everywhere...or that he doesn't burp loudly. I've experienced all of these. As a big ol' hint that he's a big ol' dork, leave a copy of The Office (British version) in his mailbox.

Nathalie, you are never stupid, and you're not a disappointment. I've watched you here for a long time and have always admired your strength, courage, insights, and self-awareness. You have a tremendous amount of love for this man, and it's completely understandable that your resolve would soften when you're around him. I'm sorry; I know (from experience) how painful this is. Don't feel weak, and don't feel stupid. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and be glad that you could end this round on a friendly (smile) note. It's been uglier between you guys in the past; this is actually not a terrible way to say goodbye. Hugs to you!

Box them up, put the box in an attic or a closet or a storage facility, or give it to a friend. Ask the friend to hold onto the box for a year, or until you're convinced you're over it. Don't trash part of your life, but get it outta sight so you don't dwell when you're feeling down.

Interesting question. I tend to trust guys who still have polite (but not gushing) friendships with their exes. Generally, it suggests that he dates women he likes and respects, and that both of them are able to remain reasonable and kind to each other even when things get rocky. It suggests he doesn't flip out and become some variant of a hateful, jealous, freakshow stalker, or a cold, bitter, distant Mr. Hyde, etc. when emotions run high. Granted, every relationship is different and sometimes it's impossible to maintain good relations with everyone. But if he doesn't have even cordial contact with ANY ex girlfriends, the most likely common denominator is HIM...which is a red flag to me. On the other hand, I have a good friend who is absolute BUDDIES with all of his ex-girlfriends, and I think that's a bit much. He's kind of needy about wanting everyone to like him all the time, and I'm not sure that's healthy, either. LOL. Hard to please, huh?

Seems pretty clear that she likes you. I think the daughter comment was just a roundabout way of telling you that she thinks you're cool--that you're unusual and have qualities she admires (and maybe that she trusts you, thinks you're a 'nice' guy). I don't think the daughter comment was even remotely a nod to the age difference--5 years is just no big thing, and it's probably a less of a big deal to her than to you. If she'd been trying to hint about an age awkwardness in order to discover your feelings about it, she would have talked about a hypothetical younger sister, perhaps. Go for it! Ask her out.

Be good to yoursefl--don't contact him. He probably won't respond, and you'll be crushed. Even if he just replies with a one-word response ("thanks") it will dominate your day--wondering what to say, wondering if he'll reply, wondering what he was thinking when he got it, if he's thinking of you, etc. Shudder. He'll be FINE if you don't contact him. (And if he's not fine and misses your warm wishes, he'll contact YOU.) My $0.02.

Good. Veggies are good at coping with Carnies. It's not a problem.

Ok, first for the girl: What if you write her a note? I haven't been in high school for a long time; I don't know if people still do that. Probably they just text message and stuff. Sigh. Second, for the shyness: This will get better with practice. It's like anything--it's scary the first few times, and then you'll get better and it will feel more natural. Promise. Mmmm, and sorry to blast ya, but shyness isn't 'gay', and 'gay isn't bad.

Why? To let her know she's really not very important to him? What's the strategy there? (Am being curious, not difficult.)

Woohoo! Congratulations! (And hey--what's wrong with being a veggie? Kidding.)

Well, you probably confused her and you may have hurt her feelings. If I were in her position, I would be really happy to get a phone call from you around 9am, thanking me for last night and telling me that you're looking forward to seeng me again. Go ahead and invite her out again. Just explain that you really like her but you got scared about how fast things were moving. She'll understand. Relax--you probably gave her an evening of self-doubt, but you can make it up easily. Good luck!

Mmmm. Are you asking whether you should call Cory, or whether you should tell everyone the truth? Think for a long time about what you would accomplish by telling everyone. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation, but I know that a lot of hurt could come from disclosing this now. I agree that you should talk to an objective outsider--preferably a trained, licensed therapist. At the very least you need to think about what you HOPE to accomplish by telling everyone, what you might ACTUALLY accomplish, and whether you're willing to live with the worst-case scenario. Is the worst-case scenario worse than the status quo? I bet it is! Is the best case scenario better than the status quo? Probably. But ask yourself two questions: (1) Which is more likely--the worst case scenario or the best case scenario? (Probably something in between, but on which side?) (2) Is the difference between the best-case and the status quo bigger than the difference between the worst-case scenario and the status quo? What I'm saying is, is what you could gain greater than what you could lose? That might help you think about it. The trick is that this isn't only true for *you*--you have to do it for everyone involved. This isn't just about you anymore. (Sorry to build a clumsy mathematical model of your risks and benefits...it's the easiest way for me to think about it.) Really, Burning--these are big ethical and emotionally-laden issues. You're talking about telling your daughter that her dad is not her biological father, and your husband that his little girl is not really 'his'. That's a heck of a painful way to spice up your marriage.

This is very sad. I'm sorry I was flippant before about the hot or not site. Don't let even the MEMORY of this guy bully you. I'm sure you're wonderful. Work on your own confidence from the inside out, and the outside (both your perceptions and the perceptions of strangers) will matter less after awhile. I think rae got it exactly right: meet people, share, listen, have fun, act confident and happy. Smile. And don't let guys use you or control you.

RSVP "no". There should be a place on the card. You don't have to give her an explanation. If there isn't a box to check on the RSVP card, then just send her a card congratulating her on her happiness, and expressing your regrets that you won't be able to attend. Wish her the best, and all that.... Don't feel guilty.

...but if you're just dying to know what people think of your looks, why don't you post your picture to Hot or Not (http://www.hotornot) and see what kind of feedback you get?

So...the worst case is you aren't as pretty as you think you are. That may be true. Then what? You still want to meet people, right? Not smiling isn't working, so try smiling. Assume you're pretty *enough* for a guy to find you pleasant to look at most of the time, then put some effort into the other (more important) stuff. I've found that eye contact + smiling + fun attitude + genuine interest in what a guy is saying = plenty of invitations. I'm not gorgeous...just cute enough to make my way in the world so long as the other components are there to make a package. Thank goodness you *aren't* just your looks!

What!?! Et tu, Dako? No, I don't have suggestions for living the simple life, either as a free agent or a coupled one. Life isn't simple...its complications are 9/10 of its charm. Sigh. What are the chances that this disillusionment is part of your healing process, my friend?

I second that.

First kiss--let it flow, don't force the time or place. If you're already a bit physically flirty (touching, playful slaps on the arm, etc., hand holding), it'll be more natural to kind of latch onto her shoulders & lean in. It's easier if you're laughing and friendly rather than too forced or formal. Awww, fun.

yes. that's why i'm online instead of outside. you?

Honestly, CutiePie25, I think I understand where you're coming from here, but I would urge you to take a deep breath and try to be patient and broad-minded, if you can. At times when reading your posts it has seemed like you're the one who really wants out of this relationship. I know you're framing it differently, and you're using all the right words that suggest that you love him and want him more than anything (and please forgive me, I believe that you do love him, and I want nothing but the best for you both), but underneath your words there lies a surprising amount of inflexibility, and perhaps anger, and maybe some self-righteousness. Again and again I'm seeing this undercurrent of "It's my way or the highway, and if he doesn't figure out that he's being a youthful fool, that I'm perfect for him, and come running back to me when he starts being a 'real' person again, then c'est la vie, it's his loss." I'm NOT suggesting that you shouldn't stand up for yourself and expect him to treat you well even when going through a rough time, but I'm worried that you're going too far in the other direction. I find the contrast between your professed love for him (which again, I believe is real) and your desire that he act *exactly* the way you want him to act (or believe that he should act) to be conflicting and potentially problematic--not just now, but down the road. We all go through periods in which we need a little more lateral movement--times when we feel aggressive and strong, or a little sad and vulnerable, or a little wild a crazy, or a little upstanding and self-righteous. Sometimes those periods last for weeks or months, and sometimes we don't act our best while we're in them. But so long as the lateral movements don't slide past your *absolute* boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not, then I think that understanding and patience and kindness are in order. You guys were friends first, so you must know this already. You can't control him, and you won't always be able to. A looser grip will serve you better than a leash. At this point he may have pushed too far past what you find acceptable and you may have lost a lot of respect for him. You sound genuinely surprised by his (perceived) immature behavior. Similarly, he may also be disillusioned about your inability to cope with these changes. That's fine--maybe you guys really do need a break to figure out if these changes are transitory or if they're suggestive of a more general pattern of divergence. But I would at least urge you to not write it off so quickly with a 'it's either meant to be or it's not' attitude. Love is strong, but it's not invulnerable to neglect or abuse or misunderstanding that hardens into bitterness or apathy. A lack of softness and caring on *both* of your parts right now could *force* this to be 'not meant to be'. Unfortunately, you may be the one who has to take the high road and let him regress for awhile. He's not in his most grown-up phase right now. But realize that the tables will probably turn someday, and you'll want him to extend the same leeway to you. Sorry if I sound too harsh--you remind me of myself a few years ago, and it took me a long time to learn these lessons. Our relationship was great in spite of it, but our memories were ribboned with a very slender thread of resentment that I always wished I could erase. Good luck.