keenan

When I was in high school a guy who was in my group of friends kept asking me out. He would corner me at parties, call me during dinner and refuse to hang up, leave notes for me everywhere. I hated his persistence, and I still get angry thinking about him (15 years later). I remember that he didn't respect my wishes, and that he had really bad breath.

Or he just doesn't care enough to make the effort. Or he thinks you're reasonable enough to not contact him when he asked you not to.

We want what we can't have.

Great post. I like hearing your real voice.

Sure, start one. Has anyone ever noticed that quite a few guys choose female avatars, but I've rarely (if ever) seen a woman choose a guy's pic? Wonder why....

The county I'm from had laws against having more than three pieces of living room furniture on your front porch at any one time, but that didn't stop anyone.

Ooooh. Avatar analysis. Well, I've used 3 different whirligigs. What does that say about me, Dr. Shy? (Dako, we've hijacked your thread, but feel free to wrestle it back.)

You've had sex with him, but you're too afraid to ask him how he feels about you? This feels backwards to me, but let's go with it. What if next time you're hanging out with him (in bed or out), talking about your lives and your past relationships, you just casually throw something out there like, "So...what are your feelings about us? Being with you is really cool; we've got good chemistry. What do you think about it??" Is that too basic, or were you looking for something more?

What are you talking about? I think the librarian dog is really hot!

Yeah, and if you were actually shy that might be a problem. But....

Hey, my husband used trash bags, too! But he said I was sweet, not nice.

Congratulations!

DO things. Bike, hike, go to museums, whatever. Talk about that stuff. Read the paper together. Read a book together. Take a class--either something serious, or something fun, like cooking or pottery. Or all of the above!

It seems to me that if guys in their 40s and 50s view this particular unpleasant constellation of events as a crisis, it's their prerogative. As a thirty year old, I wouldn't presume to take their label away from them, since it seems to serve as useful shorthand for the package deal that they get handed at roughly the same time.

I call it a quarter life crisis. Sometimes people go through growth spurts, for better or worse. My ex (and also best friend) is going through something similar, though the outer circumstances are different--fancy condo, amazing job, shopping for a porsche--but he's angry and depressed and selfish and completely uncompromising...a different person, nearly overnight. I don't understand it, either.

CB, LOL. Me, too! Civilians sometimes look at me like, "Do you think I'm an IDIOT?" because my inclination is to say the same thing in at least three different ways, from a variety of perspectives, with real world examples. It takes a lot of self control for them to not just ask me to shut UP already! Dave, sorry to hijack. I think everyone understands that you're under a lot of stress. No offense was intended, or taken. When it feels like the entire relationship hangs on a thread as slender as a single conversation, we can't afford to be misunderstood.

I don't know if I would bring it up at all. If he loves and adores his mom, you may not be able to say anything against her without him reacting defensively. What's your goal? If he's a total mama's boy pushover and it's going to be a problem, then be very gentle and have a specific point, and don't belabor it. If otherwise, just be as cool as possible and hope that he sees through any antics on his own. Good luck.

Dave, I think NJRon was making a joke by playing on your first post, in which you said you repeat yourself even though the person probably believed you the first time. And I thought it was funny. Sorry it hit wrong.

I don't understand. Will you explain it again, please? And a third time? So what you're saying is that.... Hmmm.

I always mean it as a compliment, too. Venturer, I can think of a couple comebacks. How about a variant of: --Aww, but I'm mean and nasty on the inside. (Smile) --Nah, I'm just good at faking it. (Wink) --Uh oh, gotta work on that! (Look of mock horror) --(Nudge a guy friend.) She doesn't know me very well, does she? --Well, one hates to be predictable. (Useful in a lot of circumstances; enigmatic enough to come accross as clever yet still make her think.)

Sorry, I disagree. Hopefully crushes are rare, but when they occur I think they're just little flashes of insight about who you are, and who you would be attracted to/interested in if you weren't in a serious, committed relationship. They don't mean that you don't love your SO 100% and want only to be with him/her...they mean that you're human and that you're alive, and are connecting with people in a normal, social way. It's usually spun up from a funny combination of friendship + admiration + enjoyment of the person's company + awareness that the person is physically attractive. I had a couple of very light crushes in my 10 year marriage, but I never, ever seriously had eyes for anybody other than my husband. He was top dog always, by a million miles. In one case, I stopped talking with a guy just so it wouldn't ever become more serious. I think my husband had a couple of similiar situations, too. We didn't talk about them much, though. It's partly about respect, and managing yourself well. It sounds like njguy and his gf are doing a good job. Also, I agree with friscodj about the teasing. Keep it light.

Yes. (Raises hand)

Uuugh. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. It seems that the dumpers should provide a verbal caveat: "So, what's up with you? But please only tell me the parts that will make me feel less guilty and ashamed, so I don't have to cope with the reality of the he!l I'm putting you through right now. Ok, go ahead."

Miss M, Clearly we need to scoop them up and tag them. They can wear wrist bands. NJRon, cheating doesn't count.