keenan

I always made good grades without trying, but I was generally friends with people who were a lot more lax about school. When I was in the 8th grade I got sick of being a goody two shoes honor role student and thought it would be fun (?) to use the "answers" to a multiple choice math test that a girl was passing around the hallways (She'd taken the test earlier in the day). I circled those answers on the test, and was horrified when this total slacker dude (a nice guy, actually) and I were called to the front of the room by the teacher two days later. Turns out that this guy and I had exactly the same answers on the test (we were both friends with the girl), and we'd both gotten Cs! The teacher didn't know what was going on, so she had us both sit down and take a new test right then and there. I got an A, he got an F. She assumed he'd copied my paper originally, and gave us each the "new" grade that we'd earned. I felt HORRIBLE about the entire situation and never cheated again. Pragmatically, I never saw the point. Morally, I was really ashamed of myself.

Bombs, apparently.

Honestly, darkblue...that sounds like a real bargain! When I was in college (10 years ago), I went to the emergency room for an asthma attack. The visit lasted a half hour, and I was charged 100 bucks that I could *not* afford. If I spent the night in the hospital with no health insurance, I wouldn't be surprised to get a bill for closer to 1000 dollars!

Especially kids! Many (most? half of?) Americans agree with you, darkblue....

There is some government assistance if you're disabled or if your income is low enough to qualify, but if you don't fall into that category you're on your own. Most people with full-time jobs have a benefits package through their work. Typically a number of insurance plans will be offered, and you pick the one that meets your needs (or is cheapest!). These vary quite a bit, but one common scheme is to be able to see a doctor who is approved by your plan (who can then refer you to specialists if needed), and pay either a smallish flat rate, or a percentage of the fee (often 20%) after a deductable is met (again, varies quite a bit, but could be a couple of thousand dollars in a year). As for dental and optical, those are harder to get. If you're lucky you'll be allowed to see a dentist a couple times a year, and an eye doctor one/year or once every two years. In order to be a member of these plans, the company witholds a small-large monthly or quarterly portion of our salary. Generally we pay a portion of the costs for prescription medications, but if the medication isn't covered on the insurance plan, you have to pay the whole amount. It can be very expensive. Benefits really vary a lot by the company you work for, and by the plan that you choose within a company. Generally, these health benefits are one of the biggest reasons that people really seek stable full-time jobs. Oh yeah, and emergencies: Again, it depends on the plan. Some will cover ambulance trips to the hospital and treatments by an emergency doc, but it has to be documented that it was really an emergency!

I understand. I know neither seems perfect. Your positive attitude is really admirable, though. One (or both) of these guys could be really fantastic...or who knows, you could meet somebody new *through* one of them. If you wait for the guy with no past (or a past as wonderful as your own) to come along, you might just end up sitting at home alone, because he's doing the same! By getting out you'll have a better chance of finding him, and at the very least you're going to meet some really interesting people that you may not have interacted with before. I know you know all that already, but I'm just trying to send some moral support your way. You're doing the right thing. We're all rooting for you.

You could always add a little sentence into your next email or whatever with her: "Hey, I was thinking later about our last conversation, and I felt a little silly because it probably seemed like I was bragging about X. Sorry if I was being obnoxious...I get carried away sometimes. Next time just slap me." That'd get it out there so you don't worry about it anymore. If she's thinking negative thoughts, the note should dispel them. But keep it light!!!! Try to be a little funny and self-deprecating, but NOT anxious or worried. Chances are, she's not even thinking about it, and you don't want to seem like you're over-analyzing things.

Well...bragging isn't very cool, for sure. It often comes accross as insecure and self-centered. It depends on how obnoxious you were, though, LOL. It could just be in your head: *Sometimes* what seems like bragging to one person can be interpreted as enthusiasm or excitement by somebody else. If a guy is just really enthusiastic about something, it's fine, and it could even be kinda cute. Wanna give more details?

I'm sorry your cat died. You aren't being selfish to want a pet, but I think it's much more respectful of your mother to hold off until you get your own place. It's your parents' house, so you've gotta play by their rules. Maybe this is good motivation to go ahead and get out on your own. You could get a hairless cat (eeww!). Or you could try another pet...one with less hair.

Funny, this came up a month or so ago. Back in my day (LOL), the bases were more modest: 1st = kissing, 2nd = up the shirt, 3rd = (feeling) down the pants, home = sex...any kind. I don't know when oral sex got a demotion from "home" to just 3rd base... It's not intercourse, but it's sex! Not that anybody ever paid much attention to baseball, anyway.

So, this is not what we think guys would find attractive and unattractive but rather what WE find attractive and unattractive about ourselves? Either way, I don't know what guys find attractive or unattractive about me, so I really can just make the list of things that *I* would find att/unatt about myself if I were a guy. ;-) (LAUGHS--see 'bad list' point 1 below). Attractive: -Very friendly, approachable. Smile and laugh easily. Like to put others at ease -Strong sense of self -Pretty good sense of other people -Curious about the world and the people in it + enough energy to explore both, verbally and physically -Reasonably 'ducks in a row' in my own life (from work to home to fitness) but also...waaay open minded & easy going: If I like you and you like it, it can't be that bad, whatever it is. -Completely hedonistic (food, music, sex, sunshine, rain, campfires, fast cars, or great art...if it tastes, sounds, feels, smells, or looks good, I probably like it) -My boundaries are far away, but I know right where they are and I rarely cross them. -Mellow and even-keel in relationships, easy to be around. -No games (except Scrabble, lol) -Silly, silly, silly. Love to play. Unattractive: -Self-centered--focus too much on work, hobbies, my own mental space -Tend to be too distant with friends & SOs--often wait for them to find me, not vice versa -Hard to REALLY get to know (a common complaint, there must be something to it) -Get sidetracked by interesting projects or ideas, and don't make enough headway in any one thing.. comes accross as unaccomplished or scattered. -Too much in my own head; makes me sound like I take myself really seriously.

I had sushi for lunch yesterday.

You and your girlfriend were friends for 9 years before something "just clicked" and you fell in love, right? You also have lots of female friends (always have), many of whom you've been involved with in the past...and have remained friends with. From your GF's perspective, I can see that you come accross as a guy who doesn't observe strong boundaries between "friendship" and "sexual relationship" with your female friends. Clearly you walk both sides of this line, crossing back and forth periodically. Heck, you did it with her. Honestly, I DO believe that men and women can just be friends, and I DO believe that it's wrong for one partner to try to dictate the friendships of the other, and I DO believe that you're really not interested, sexually, in your German friend. But...by your past behavior, I don't see why your GF should believe any of that, or why she should believe that you won't suddenly change your mind when you leave her for awhile and hang out with this other woman. From her persepctive, if you have no problem moving your friends into GF roles, and your GFs back into friendship roles, then what makes your relationship with her ANY different than any other friend/GF relationship you've had in the past? I'm sorry that sounds like I'm beating up on you--I'm really, really not. But I do see that this could be a problem for you as long as you continue to not observe those boundaries...or until you get a GF who has never been just a friend, and so hasn't experienced that friend-->GF transition first-hand. Have you read the "can men and women be friends" thread on ENA? Maybe your GF shares the perspective of some of the guys on that thread.

Hmmm, I think that's a good point. When I read the text again from only her perspective, I can see that she could've just been hurt that you didn't call or text that night. If she'd been looking forward to hearing from you, an excuse that "it was too late to call" could sound pretty lame--especially if she thought you were prioritizing (or worse--trying to make her jealous with) this Carissa chick. I still don't like that she was pretty transparent about paying you pack ("my friend came over and didn't leave until late and i didnt wanna wake you up"), but...I guess that's at least understandable. ??? I agree with the others--have a good talk talk with her, and in the future always honor your word about calling. Don't give the impression that YOU might be playing games.

I understand. Honestly, I'm not sure either. I guess the most pragmatic course of action is to continue hanging out with her, continue being honest and loving, but don't push the exclusivity thing too much. It would be a lot easier to figure this out if we knew whether your conversation with Carissa really DID upset her, or if she was just BSing you. Keep in the back of your mind that she could be playing you so you'll be a bit prepared if she hurts you badly. And if she does, console yourself with the knowledge that even though you could love this woman, being with somebody who isn't straight with you right off the bat could lead to a lifetime of problems. These could be warning bells that you're hearing. Good luck.

Wow. She was pretty weirdly hostile in that text exchange. I'm not sure what you're asking, really, but to me it seems like (a) she's not into dating you exclusively, (b) she'd like to keep you around just in case she changes her mind, and © she's trying to lay the groundwork for making a case to leave you if she decides she'd rather do that. But honestly, I'm not into playing games, so I don't recognize the moves. She could be hypersensitive, or she could just run very 'hot & cold' in general. At the very least, needhelp, she wasn't very sweet to you at ALL in that text...no matter why she was upset. She sure doesn't have great conflict resolution skills.

I assume you still live with your folks, xtina? I was a committed vegetarian for about 5 years, and I rarely suffered. One key was getting a couple of good vegetarian cookbooks and learning to make a handful of kick-butt meals. My husband was so wowed by my cooking that he didn't care at all if the dishes had meat or not. If you can learn to cook some healthy, protein-rich, meatless dishes that your family loves, you'll be able to eat the same dishes together at mealtimes, and they'll have more confidence that you aren't hurting your health.

It's a full-time hobby.

No worries.

True, true. I'm a biologist, and I come from a family of needle-pokers. It's my bias to want to rule out problems with the plumbing before turning to the head work, which is often much more complicated. But...I'm also a psychologist, RC--though not your kind. But I know both are important. I hope fishrrshortae's friend gets it figured out somehow.

Scout, your post confuses me, especially the first paragraph. I think that the biological aspects of women's health have historically been given short-shrift. I was taking issue with RC assuming immediately that this was a psychological issue. It may be (and if it is, then this should be explored) but I think that in a situation like this a biological cause should also be considered as a possible component. That's all. I don't know why that's controversial...? If she actually has a biological problem--hormone imbalance, drug interaction, etc.--wouldn't we want to KNOW that? And an edit: It was MY friend who is seeing an endocrinologist. She is in a VERY meaningful LTR with a caring and wonderful guy. I don't know why a visit to a sex therapist would be "a hell of a lot more compassionate" for her than her OWN "bright idea" to see a hormone specialist??

Oh, I agree. First, I didn't consider you to be the doctor in question. Second, I think that both male and female physicians/therapists would be more likely to address a female patient's behavior before her biology, and vice versa for a male patient. My issue is with the sex of the patient, not the doctor. This may very well have a psychological component. But ten sexual partners in eight years with little emotional attachment would, unfortunately, be considered pretty small potatoes for quite a few men out there. As a society we often hold women to a different standard wrt sexual experience, and I worry that this trickles down into health care...in this case, by first linking a sexual problem to lack of attachment and intimacy...due to the assumption that women are more likely than men to require these things in order to "function" sexually. Because this kind of "promiscuity" is accepted in men, many doctors--male and female--may be more likely to first look towards hormone imbalances, vascular problems, nerve damage, and drug interactions as contributing factors than to the patient's mental state. I'm not suggesting that you would fall prey to this, RC. I like your posts; I know you have a fair and balanced outlook. To bring it back 'round to the original post, the fact is that this woman has NEVER had an orgasm, partnered or alone. Never. If a man had NEVER had an orgasm, I'd be mightily surprised if his doctors wouldn't want to do a complete physiological work-up immediately!

I think that research into women's health, and especially women's sexual issues, has been woefully underfunded and underrepresented by NIH and medical science, respectively...and by medical science I include psychiatry and adult clinical psychology. The tendency is still too often to first implicitly blame the woman for her disorder (in this case, promiscuity), and then look for contributing biological factors. If a man presented with an inability to reach orgasm, his doctor would likely consider both biological and psychological factors, and would probably not suggest right off the bat that he sleeps around too much. I just don't think that she deserves less consideration, regardless of what the DSM says. Fishrrshortae, I don't know what her doctor has told her.

No offense, RC, but I think that sounds pretty condescending. If she can't reach orgasm on her own after 8+ years, there could be a biological component to this. A guy friend of mine recently confided that his long-time girlfriend (a very meaningful relationship) has the same problem. They've struggled with it quite a bit, and she's seeing an endocrinologist.