yoley

But that's the thing...I'm NOT holding on tightly..I'm doing exactly the opposite (think George Kastanza) of what has brought me poor results before! I've now focused on me, and let her go. Incidentally..she just called...told me some great news of hers....and not only are we going out tonight..we're also spending the day together tomorrow..(at her request) ..and no..this is NOT a sign that we're back together...or that she wants me back..we're just two friends going shopping and going for lunch...it's just another day. Still SD...I feel the pain.and the anxiety..but I WILL control it ..I'm absolutely confident of this. This is all an exercise in thinking. Being VERY careful for sure. Thanks for the concern. But I do know..what ever happens...I've live..move on..and be happy...and also, she is totally out of my control...if she is not meant to be on my path, then someone greater is..and she is only a stepping stone and an opportunity for growth, so that I'll be even more ready for the next great gal.

SD, good feedback my friend! The reason for the breakup...self proclaimed love scar for her younger years..scared of commitment..her parents hurt her terribly. She's told me this many times. I know I'm walking a fine line..she needs to TRUST me, but also be attracted to me (I have to remain mysterious)...and I'm giving her both. I've told her many times I'm still here for her, but then disappear. (Verbal trust, and uncertain by absense) What have I done???..stopped chasing her. I chased her before because I was somewhat needy and thought I could bring her back. No more! She's also told me this. When I go after her..she runs...she's scared. When I back off..she comes back. She needs to come to me in her own time. My own work , has been focused on my neediness, confidence and self acceptance. TONS of work done here...and it's been very successful. Yes..a bit of a game..but a by-product of improving myself..I think it's healthy. I have no intention of hurting her..and I will NOT speak of others I'm dating. Everytime we part..she feels better than when she met me. She showers at my place because I'm downtown...she's out in the burbs. I am taking care of myself first, for me..not for her...this is my strategy. Her behaviour is changing as a result. A woman does want someone who takes care of himself..if he cant take care of himself, how can he take care of her? As for mysterious..there's LOTS of it..NOT intentional because I AM busy with others and friends and I do not always answer her calls. Hence, she's always asking what I'm up to...who I'm with etc etc I never give her an answer. As for both os us hurting...yes we are...but this is also an learning experience for her. Humans rarely learn anything unless they experience pain. The solution to this...get closer..or get further apart. I feel we're getting closer...and alleviating her pain.but I'm not expecting or waiting for it. I MUST stay on my path ..and she WILL come to me if she wishes. I cannot cross the line into her space. Warning noted!..and indeed...this may completely backfire..getting back with her. BUT...in the end..I WILL be stronger no matter what happens...and this is my primary goal. Given that I'm stronger, perhaps in the future she'll be back... I'll keep you informed...but as far as I can tell..this is only a win for me...because I'm stronger either way (if she comes back or not). -Y

SD, Don't think I want to do the NC. Here's why. I'm doing LC , but getting on with my life. Dating..having fun etc etc With NC, she could be wondering what I'm up to...but with LC...she KNOWS I'm out and having fun...and it's driving her nuts! I don't answer every call, I'm not always available, and I will go missing for days at a time. She keeps asking if I'm dating, who am I out with etc etc...I DO NOT DIRECTLY answer her....so she has no idea....and I NEVER ask her the same questions..as if I don't care. So..she asked me out tonight..well..actually twice...we're going for a run like we usually do (at her request), then she's meeting up with a girlfriend for a drink after showering at my place, and then we're going out (at her request again). Like all the other dates we've had lately, I'm sure it'll be fun, close , intimate etc etc. The key is...no relationship talk, be funny, be mysterious, treat her like the bratty little sister...like Carlos and D'Angelo say...bust her balls ..and I don't need her acceptance. Essentially, be the fun person that she was attracted to at the beginning..in fact, be more fun than I was before. My key, and it may not be the same for others, and that I'm trying to become more of the Alpha male...no ONE woman controls me (my emotions and reactions are my choice), no ONE woman is in my life. I'm not waiting for her..I'm getting out and having fun. (As much as I love this woman and want her in my life and as much as I am in pain at times). What do i do when I absolutely miss her and hurt terribly?...breathe deeply, imagine my inner child, really feel the emotion, and give myself a hug. Sounds hokey yes. In my case..my fears of abondonment and loss stem from childhood. For me, this works. The interesting thing..it's difficult AND takes a lot of emotional control. I welcome this...and this is a great challenge. It takes a great deal of self talk, MEDITATION and reading to get there. I expect the worst (that she's seeing someone), and walk myself mentally through the scenarios..and I WILL remain calm and in control at all times (think James Bond)..no gushing (as you put it). The other thing is, not matter what happens between us, I'll be coming out of this a better man, stronger emotionally, and more of the Alpha Male than before that is attractive to a lot of women..in fact..I'm also dating two other women on the side, and practicing Alpha male on them. (I've made it clear to them that I am only interested in casual dating..so as not to hurt them). Becoming a stronger man, increases my chances with any other woman..AND my Ex in the future. But I have to admit..it IS very difficult! it's definitely hard , if I stay home and pine for her. This does me no good! What brought me to this point..a post yesterday..I think it was your own...I control my emotions..and the only reason I'm feeling hurt is because I'm letting myself be hurt. ..and the mantra I keep repeating in my head.."Absolute Power"...I have absolute power over my life, my desires, my happiness, and my emotions. My exterior world is a reflection of my inner turomoil. Calm the inside, the outside will follow...and by god...it's working. I will have a great time tonight...not for her..but for me. And I know, it drives her nuts and brings her closer.

...hmmm...you just stopped answering? ..sorry to hear of your plight. Sometimes people don't change..I've always been the one to look at people with rose coloured glasses...bad bad bad. I must read people for their actions, not their words. ..the thing is at the moment..we're in a good spot..we're still close..she does depend on me for emotional support....and we still have a great time together when we go out...she's just not sure what she wants...and that includes others. I think I'm hoping to hard. NC will cut the "friend" ties we have for now..which is a risk..but on the other hand..may force her to examine what kinds of ties she wants with me (finally). Let her feel her missing me Always leave on a positive note as well. It would be now. I guess what you're saying is that it all depends on what is best for ME, not her, not us. In which case, I agree...NC. If she wants me she can contract me. Did you tell her to not call? Or you just havne't answered? thanks man, Yoley

Superdave, as always...value your opinion on things...based on your current and past situations...have you found personal success with LC....in terms of 1. Moving on (dating others) and finding peace, but staying in touch with the Ex...even though it's difficult (this is a test of emotional strength) 2. Getting closer to your Ex over time because the deep friendship is there..with possible reconcilliation, because you've grown and become stronger from 1 (and she's gone through some of her own realtionships). or , is it best to do NC...become stronger..and then answer her calls if they come. Thanks, yoley.

pap, yes..if whatever I am doing is not working, do something different. SHE must figure herslef out, in her own time, in her own way, without you or me. So..I think what I have to change..is my thought process. Stop thinkin reconcilliation...think about me, happiness, and moving on (win for me). If she notes my happiness, she'll feel less guilty about the split, the happiness will spill about me, and she'll want to be around me more (win for me) So..I've decided that this is an emotional task. Control my emotions, get on with my life...after all, that IS a great sign of strength (an attractive feature). As for depression...be careful. Been in a relationship like that and became an enabler (I had no idea what to do) and made it tremendously worse for her. Stepping back and taking care of yourself is paramount. Go here: link removed As for her pushing you away...in depression sometimes, her coper is broken or failing. Coping with a relationship can sometimes be too much to handle...even dealing with the little things in the day...all too much. She's pushing you away for a reason..self preservation. Back away. Support her...be as unobtrusive as possible. Will you keep in touch with her from time to time? -Y.

SuperDave, interesting...same situation...and I'm struggling with looking forward to amazing weekly dates with the ex (she's 37, I'm 41) (tons of laughs, great talks and great kissing at the end...all smiles)..but then she disappears..only to reappear days later...asking me to go for a run with her, or out to a movie. I suspect she is dating others and possibly with someone new..but she'd never tell me...she always needs a private side of her. We split up with her asking for space and time to figure things out...just wanted to be friends. Low self esteem, adrenaline junkie doctor, doesn't want to be controlled, very independent, always travelling, crys when we talk about her disapproving mother, attracted to fireman and cops, can't sit down and relax, totally stressed out because of work, self proclaimed emotional scar of not being able to love anyone. So why do I want her back? Good question. So I have given her tons of space but occasionally have asked questions..which she replies with "everytime you ask questions, you push me away"...clearly not a basis for building anything. But then she says, "when you give me space, I always come back to you". Which is true. BUT..i firmly believe she's avoiding addressing the scars, and everytime I do ask about "us"...it hits a nerve and doesn't want to think about it. She does deeply care for me..this I do know...she's told me many times. By the way, our 7 months relationship when we were together was amazing. Her only reason for ending it was that she was afraid in two years she may not feel anything deeper for me. So what does one do? I've been out dating but only after waiting a few months for her to figure out what she wants. But she hasn;t figured it out yet. She suspects I'm dating. I can't just sit and wait for her. At times where I tell her I can't do this anymore, she gets very sad, begs me to not end it...and I come back immediately. Yes...I do believe I'm a doormat. But we do meet up every now and then...and it's wonderful for both of us. Sigh Options: 1. Tell her i'm done with it..go complete NC and stay with it...really give her a taste of what it is like without me in her life...but also, to really get on with my life. It may take her years to figure herself out. 2. Stay in limited contact. SHE does call me, and ask me out .I have cut back on calling her immensely. Enjoy the dates with her as they occur, no expectations, and keep dating others. When she is ready for commitment, we'll have a great friendship to continue to build on if the timing is right for both of us. But certianly, I'm not always available to her and it does drive her crazy. 3. Wait because I told her I would. She is working on her issues in her own time. Perhaps her dating others (which I'm sure will fail) might help her understand what her issues are. Also, she has a major love scar from her parents hurting her when she was a teen..if I'm perceived as abondoning her, then this may not bode well for us. I suppose the question is , what am I willing to handle? I don't want to wait. That looks and feels desperate and certianly not alpha-male behavior. I don't want NC..but...it might be the healthiest option for me and force her to see what she really feels about me. NC now while we're still very close might be timely. Continue LC, keep up the deep friendship and occasional great dates...but date others..but back away from the thoughts of reconcilliation? - this might be the healthiest for us...but certainly is a challenge and a test of emotional control. SD... complicated no? Comments? Opinions? Kicks in the head? - Yoley

Ok..an update..why? After reading multitudes of books, read opinions and conversed online, spoke to others..and contemplated many things..I am starting to develop my own philosophys. 1. Pain. I welcome it. If I'm not feeling it, I'm too comfortable..and I'm not facing my fears. If I'm not facing my fears..I'm not growing. I will thereforeeee always have fear. Learn to deal with it , and embrace it knowing that it teaches you something. 2. Stop thinking about what i dont have! (the EX for instance!). The more I think of this, the more I won't get her. It's a negative thought that will consume me. Be thankful for all the things I DO have..and decide what I want in life! THIS has been massive revlelation to me this week. Never before have I thought of what I want. The movie "The Secret" , the book by Deepak Chopra "The Spontaneous Fullfillment of Desire" and other readings..pointed me in this direction. Having started to live this way..I am truly happy and full of life and vigor. I have goals. 3. I can't change anyone . Let life be. We ARE spirtual beings on a human journey..and my path is already set. I can either accept the path (working with love) or deny it (working with fear). I know when I'm working against it when I feel negative, fearful etc etc. Having relinquished my destiny to a greater energy, I don't worry nor try and control things. If the EX is one my path, then let it happen. 4. I am totally responsible for where I am now. No one else. No finger pointing. 5. My journey within has been rocky and scary...but in the end, I have learnt much and have much more to learn. If this is the case, I will continue to journey within..for my lifetime. 6. Positive attitude. Adopting a positive attitude has already had effects. I sense people see me differently, and I am attracting attention. Again, "The Secret" pointed me in this direction and showed me the power of positive atitude. 7. I matter. I AM the most important person in my life. If I take care of myself, my goals, my desires, my happiness, it has an positive affect on others. 8. Honesty is paramount. To myself and to others. Not doing so, creates an unauthentic person..and thereforeeee..a lie. 9. I do not need others to accept me. I will NOT change myself for others. I will not look for their approval. Following these rules...I am so happy, content and at peace. I wake up smiling. Yes..I do miss the Ex..but...life will go on. She did try to contact me three times today..but my reaction was "Is this good for me?" rather than get back immediately...because I matter, I don't need her, and I'm guessing she's lonely. Tomorrow is a brand new day...full of unknowns. - Cheers!! - Yoley

Joyce, I see your point..but..I think it's all in the interpretation. I could have read a series of events last week as an indicator that my Ex would be back in my life...OR...I could have seen it as a reminder of my Ex..and make me realize how far Ive come without her. I chose the latter. These coincidences do mean something ...it's up to us to interpret them correctly. -Y

There are NO coincidences!!! This I firmly believe...it's happened to me too many times! They are signs.

So..I saw the movie. VERY interesting..I will put it into practice...but not necessarily to get someone back..but to attract the type of woman I want (amongst my others life desires) Current situation : GF is wanting space...wants to be friends etc etc.and from what i can tell..is with someone else. So..instead of concentrating on NOT having her...focus on what I want. So ..I want a GF who wants to be with me, knows what she wants, enjoys my presense, is honest, faithful etc etc So, if this is what I want..why am I still focsuing on her?? It's wasted energy. Focus on the positive..what do I want??..and it WILL come. "Man becomes what he thinks about" , "We create our own reality" etc etc. Perhaps not with her..but with someone else. Focus on what I don't have...and I'll continue to not get it! The interesting thing is, throughout the relationship..my thoughts were "I don't want to get hurt"...and guess what?? I got hurt. I should have been thinking what I wanted : "I want a loving, close relationship with a great woman!". I now have a "dream board" in the kitchen..things I want in my future. Also, I'm very thankful for what I have. No more negativity! (This has been a life-long issue and has gotten me where I am today). Thanks for the reference to the flic. -Yoley

Tyler, ok then..here's the update. The Doc is back..sorta..we're as close as close can be, without anything physical going on. She texted messaged me all weekend..she was in Chicago having fun with some girlfriends..I messaged back..sometimes, somewhat delayed...I was out having fun with my friends. But I haven't been putting life on hold for her. I've been going out and enjoying myself...meeting other women...having fun with friends. Does she sense this? YES! She's asked me twice if I've been dating. My response..vague! At first when she said we need to be friends, I thought NC!! But now I;ve reconsidered. I can handle LC..because I don't need her. My life is full. I'm happy alone. If she wants to walk away, then walk away. She's not on my "path of life". Someone else is on my path. So..she's back....kinda. She called me up, invited herself over, I told her about the triathlon I did today, while I massaged her back and we chatted..laughing most of the time..talking about a triathlon we both might do together this weekend, and a surprise for her this weekend "Hot Air Balloon" she knows nothing about for her birthday. She left shortly afterwards to meet with a girlfriend..and as she went through the front door..it was extremely awkward..not because it of our past..but because of our today. She wanted me to kiss her..so I grabbed her by the arm..and kissed her. She loved it! What happens after this? Not sure. Either way, I'll be fine! But wow..what a feeling!! Even if it was momentary. As for her infidelities at the beginning..it's my choice to believe that she's uncertain of her feelings..and having a hard time committing. I understand and empathize with her. It NEVER is easy to make these decisions. Do I push her to make a decsion. NO! She will make her choice when she's ready. I will continue to enjoy my life as I always do. She knows who I am, and what's here for her. It's her choice to join me or not. It's might choice to stay in touch. Isn't life interesting when you don't need much in your life...and you take it as it comes! Something is always interesting is around the corner. What a mystery. Think abundance (There are many partners out there that are suitable and deserving enough of you). But please..be happy alone...before meeting someone. Cheers! - Yoley.

Thanks for the posts guys...you have no idea how far I've come..and I never thought it was possible. Interesting comments about being a "Nice Guy". But for me, the opposite of "Nice Guy" is "Honest Guy"..not "Jerk". Personally, I've put my women on pedestals, and totally neglected my own needs! Now..being more of an "Honest" guy..my women (and I) see the real me...which..they appreciate...as I do. I matter. Incidentally..the Doctor is back..kinda..just friends (for now)..and she's noticed a change in me already. I'm honest, I challenge her as necessary, I joke a lot more...my thoughts are : Why should YOU be with me?? A huge different than my past "Oh my god, I need this woman!". She called me twice yesterday, and asked for me to go running with her today. She's even considering cancelling a trip to Chicago to go to a triathlon with me. Also, the Ex emailed me out of the Blue.. Strange Strange week..but indeed..there are no coincidences!! Date tomorrow with new girl. All the best! - Yoley

One year almost to the day..the woman I wanted to marry walked out of my life. At the time...I was devastated..I lost her, the kids, and the dream. I cried for days. I withered away in weight..I was a mess. I thought my life was over..I scurried home to the parents house..and wallowed for weeks. Today..I sit here..and look back. Wow.What a year! I got my own apartment, a bought a Jeep YJ, a continued with my running, I bought a new road bike and now swim, and have entered into my first triathlon this weekend. I did a half marathon this summer. I bought an IPod and my dream digital camera. I rock climb. I've been to Finland. I landed a fantastic new job. I'm in awesome shape! All these things would have been impossible with the Ex. I've dated numerous women, including the rebound. Dated greek, iranian, french women, nutrionalist, doctor, a bunch of nurses, and a model. I NEVER though this would happen after the Ex walked out. Do i think about my Ex....from time to time yes..but only for a moment. What have I learnt? Well..the doctor Ive been dating just walked out..she wants to be friends only. I was very hurt. I did like her. However, during this relationship..Ive found she was online dating..and slept with a couple of "friends". She denied it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. One again..I had little respect for myself...and acted like the "nice guy". A reoccurring issue. So..I now know this..time to learn from these mistakes..and apply to the next great relationship. Stop being nice..and just be honest. Have self respect. Be willing to leave. A relationship is a choice..not a need. As for my current feelings..i know things will be better. So why not be better now. The doctor obviously wasn't on my long term path..so what did her presense teach me? What now? A new girl is in my life. No more Mr nice guy..an honest guy..and I look forward to the coming year. Keep fit. Work on the mental. Be balanced in every way.Stop defining myself based on relationships. Make new friends. Read books (like The Monk Who Sold His Ferarri).Meditate. Get into nature. Do something different. Make Mistakes. Learn. Create a life philosophy. Understand that there is a greater power. Let life go. I will find my nirvana...and the girl of my dreams. I am at peace...even after a woman walks out on me (admittidly her own issues). Good luck to all!! Life does get better!! This is a promise. - Peter

Been seeing this great gal for five months..everything is perfect for us (according to her)..even starting talking about an extended vacation next year. She has very low self esteem, emotional issues - specifically, perfectionism..and believes she's a fraud (she's an ER Doctor..TONS of stress). Needs to be acknowledged by others, especially her mom, pushes me away in favor of a bunch of cops she knows (they give her LOTS of attention) , and has a very low opinion of herself. She tells me she needs space to determine how she feels about me. She has told me she cares very deeply for me, but is unsure if it can go any further. She hasn't loved anyone since she was 21 (she's 36). persistent problem getting past an emotional wall with men. What do I do? A. Give her space, and in about a week, email her and tell her that I'm still thinking of her and that'll I'll support her whatever way i can B. Call her now, and tell her that she has problems that I can not help her with. Tell her to call me when she feels she can continue with me in a healthy way. C. Wait for her to call me. If she does, tell her that I'll be there 100% for her, only if she is willing to work on things 100%. I think I'll pick C - primarily based on NC. Give her the gift of missing me and trying to figure out how she feels. When she calls, be prepared to let go...for me. Comments? -Y