redandblack

On second thought, I would date myself on the following condition: I would wait until I asked me out. But, if he was really I and I was I, then he and I would both wait for the other self to ask the other out -- got it? So basically it would never happen.

No. I'm weird and I like too many things.

Hmmmm. This is pretty complex and I'm glad you've put a lot of thought into this. Most people, I'm afraid, would simply do this unexamined. I don't think you're deceiving yourself about your intentions with this guy. (All though your explanation as to why you could never see yourself in a relationship with him seems sketchy at best.) You don't seem to be decieving him, either. However, he does seem to have a level of attachment to you beyond yours to him. (Mind you, this is all from what you've told us, so I could be wrong.) It seems weird that you're hanging out as, essentially, "sex buddies". Most arrangements of this type seem to be regulated to the bedroom and general after-hours. I see what you're getting out of the other-than-sex deal; you're lonely, dealing with a breakup, maybe a little confused, "horney", and you have found a nice distraction -- however, on his end, it's a little more confusing as to what he is getting out of the "whole package". Honestly, I think he's attracted to you sexually, and mentally; he would probably like more, but will settle for less. I think this is what makes it dangerous. You seem intelligent and fairly level-headed. You know what you want in-the-now and you go for it. But I just see this turning really bad for the poor guy. You are the third person he's been intimate with; that's quite a bit different from having a lot of sexual and relational experience. Maybe it would be best if you cut off ties with the guy and dealt with these feelings in a different way. When you said that you need a break from relationships, I think your right; a good clean break from all relationship will do you good. Time while in a relationship (or quasi-relationship in your case) with another person in deep thought is different from lonely deep thought. You'll follow different thought paths and come to different conclusions. Both are healthy in adequate doses. Wow, that took a while; now it's late and my mind just crashed-- Take it easy!

I think balance is good. I, personally, hate being the sole initiator of communication, intimacy, etc. It's boring and mind-numbingly predictable. I hate the social stereotypy of men as the seeker, hunter, and catcher. It's 2006 -- mix it up, all ready!

I totally understand that your situation is difficult and complex. If she is the type to loose her head and throw you out, then planning ahead is a good idea. I think it all depends on how adamant you are about this break. If I was dating someone and found out that they made all these arrangements behind my back while pretending to love me and be intimate with me, I would be very offended and hurt. This could be very tacky if done improperly -- I just don't think it's fair to play 'significant others' while planning to blindside someone with a breakup.

This guy was definitely quite tacky and selfish. You should be glad that you found this out as soon as you did as opposed to way down the road. A relationship with this guy would have been like a relationship with a ghost: one sided.

I fell the same way as you. Maybe it's a "necessary evil" or something, or maybe I just don't get it, but this seems really cruel to me. However, I suppose if you're sure that everything is going to be final (relationally), and you're going to sever ties for good, looking out for yourself is what you need to do -- even if it means going behind your significant other's back. Nonetheless, there is always something about the near-end of relationships that rubbed me the wrong way; the different expectations and motivations, the planning of a partner's misery, and the contractual inconsistencies always left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Call me a sucker, but I'll always be a proponent of open communication.

I don't know if I would even consider getting into a relationship with this girl, no matter what she says. She will probably try to repair things between you (but I still wouldn't get your hopes up). Unless she identifies her mistake, and takes action to change her habits, this will probably be a common occurrence in any future relationship between the two of you. I dated a girl like this once and, from start to finish, there were few times that I wasn't wondering why she was doing something, what she was thinking, how she felt about things, etc. She very obviously has a few maturity, experience, and communication issues going on, so beware! I say stay away.

You did well. Stick to your guns. Good riddence, indeed.

If you want to write, you need to read. And read a LOT! I'm a fan of the modernists and existentialists -- So Fitzgerald, Hemmingway, Calvino, Melville, and Turgenev are all authors I would suggest for you to read. Going to a university to study English could be a good idea, but it's not necessary; however it will force you to read and write on a daily basis. Also, in some cases, you may even be able to have a discussion of the material you're reading on a regular basis. Don't just read literature -- study it, think about it, live it. It's a long process and very few succeed in the long run, but if you have a vision and stick with it -- who knows? -- you might be the next Faulkner.

Wow. Sorry to hear about this. You definitely deserve better. She got you when you were weak and looking for reassurance -- a real low blow. Don't talk to her any more; don't give her any more chances; she got her second chance -- and she blew it. Give it some time. You'll find someone who is attracted to you physically and mentally -- someone who respects you for who you are. These are things she didn't do. We're here for you -- take care!

This girl is trouble. If these are the types of responses and interactions you're getting with something as simple as this, imagine how it will be when something really important (to you) comes up. If she can't act responsible and serious for even a minute, she is a joke and she takes you as a joke. Find someone who respects you, man.

I used to swim, too. Get comfortable in your own skin. Artificially tanned skin is obvious and quite tacky. It's the winter. Nobody cares if you don't have a tan!

This is actually a suprisingly difficult question. This situation is highly symbolic and there is an awful lot going on. If he's completely over you and he wants to use your notes -- I figure you're fairly intelligent and are doing well, or else he wouldn't have asked -- he is basically using you. You aren't totally over him. He may or may not know this; he probably doesn't care though. (Exes are good at being insensitive jerks. If you haven't talked in two weeks, chances are you aren't truly friends (even if he claims you are). So, if he contacts you for these, I would see what he wants first. If he wants to study together (something actually beneficial academically) then it's just up to how you feel. If he just wants you to give him the notes, you should probably tell him no. Don't let him use you!

I like your attitude! I also feel the same way, but I kind of got screwed on that deal, I guess. Regardless, I think lines like "i knew that i wanted to be with him forever....but i wasnt ready for forever yet" are a total cop out. I saw if you really wanted to be with someone, you would be with them. Period. You don't hurt the people who love you so that you can come back to them at a later date -- it doesn't really work that way.