CosmicJellybean

Again, I want to thank everyone for their input and advice. I’m actually amazed at how nice or not demeaning the comments were. I’ve done a lot of thinking on this and the advice given has helped. I’m trying to develop social connections and friends but it obviously takes time and is extremely anxiety-ridden for an introvert. One of the reasons I am lacking friends is that my husband was controlling, narcissistic (verified by a therapist), & slowly separated me from friends and family until it was just me, him, and my daughter together all the time and the only family we saw were his. I did have work friends but had to fight hard to see them outside of work which was not often. Those friendships are only through FB or IG now due to distance and life changes. I spent the last few years of my marriage being a caregiver so I had no time for anything else. After that I was dealing with grief from being widowed, having 5 other family members die within 6 months of my husband (including my mom), and raising a child. I also found out I had cancer at the start of Covid & had to deal with that so I couldn’t see people I knew much less meet new people. Since then I’ve gone to work at a small place with mostly older women who are nice but we don’t have enough in common to pursue friendships outside of work. I did have one friend that I became extremely close to after my husband’s death. She is actually the wife of my husband’s best friend and I have known them both for 26 years. We actually used to get together quite often as a small friend group with a few of their friends after I moved into the same town but Covid began the demise of that. However, she has a lot of issues & tends to cut people off & ghost them for various reasons without any explanation. She did that to me a couple years ago and the group totally “disbanded” not long after that. I’m still friends with the husband even though they are separated and we go to dinner almost every week. He has been upgraded to my best friend. That is all it will be despite my mother in law wishing otherwise however, because neither of us is even remotely interested in the other like that. He is the only person I talk to on a regular basis though & we have always had so much in common that we usually have dinner & talk for another one to two hours. I wish I could find someone as nice as him, am as comfortable with, and that I can talk to like that. I know I can’t depend on this close of a relationship in the future If he gets remarried after getting divorced. Unless I can befriend the new wife. (Getting ahead of myself there!) So I know I need to expand my friend group. I have joined a similar interest group that meets once a month and have already attended a get-together once. That was very difficult for me but I did it & talked to some nice people. The next meeting is in a couple of days. So I am actually trying to meet people without a romantic agenda. It’s just hard because I don’t know how to go about it. I did meet another new friend on the same app I met the guy on. It was for friends as well. She and I are sooooo much alike and have met a few times to talk and get to know each other. So I have two friends I see and am trying to meet more. I’m just super shy and anxious around new people. My daughter is now an adult & she and my mother in law are both wanting me to meet people and find someone. I wish it was that easy. I wasn’t great at this even when I was younger. So there is some more information if anyone is interested in why I am the way I am, do the things I do, and make the mistakes I make. I thought I had made more progress in the area of personal relationships but this has made me see that old habits & tendencies are just below the surface still when it comes to romantic (or whatever you want to call it) relationships. It’s an extremely lonely place to be and so much work to change.

I totally get that I accepted what was offered, that is on me so I can’t say he was using me, at least not in the sense of using me without my knowledge. He’s only in the wrong if he lied about not being in a relationship and/or being exclusive while sleeping with me. I don’t know if either one of those things is true but odds are not looking good. I fully take responsibility for my actions and decisions. I thought I could do NSA but clearly I cannot. That’s something to keep in mind if I decide to try again. I know I lack a spine as one poster said, that’s been a lifetime issue that I thought had gotten better until recently put to the test. That’s why I’m thinking of just not trying again. I ended up in a controlling narcissistic marriage the first time. It’s embarrassing that I did this and I got lucky because a lot of things could have gone wrong. I think I needed the shame and recrimination to look at it without feelings & make a better choice. It’d help if I had any female friends or anyone close enough to talk to about things like this. Clearly I need to get back into therapy when I can afford it. Please keep in mind that there is a lot of background about myself that I haven’t shared which can at least point to why I would do smoothing this stupid. Maybe this will help someone who needs to see this as the example of what not to do and why.

Everything everyone has said is the truth and makes sense. If I was reading my own post I’d wonder at the absolute stupidity of that person. This whole situation is freaking dumb on my part & definitely unsafe. Being lonely is no excuse for doing this and allowing myself to be used. I knew this was the response that I’d get because I knew it was wrong in every sense. I will definitely get tested for STI’s or STD’s. I may just pull back from trying to find someone since I’m clearly so bad at it. I was with my husband from 20-38 & have been alone the last 9 years since then. I just started to see about getting into dating about 6 months ago but I don’t know how to proceed since I’ve never really dated & definitely don’t know how to start at my age. I know my lack of friends & absolutely no social life contributed to being willing to accept a ridiculous situation just to be close to someone even if it’s just made me feel worse in the end. Hating & being afraid of being alone isn’t an excuse. It just really really sucks. Thank you to everyone for your responses. I will end this situation and try to make better decisions going forward.

I’m pretty sure that I know what my situation is and how to proceed but since I have never been great at personal relationships & was with my late husband since I was 20, I would like some advice. I (47F) was contacted by someone online (48M) who had in his profile that he was looking to start something fun with benefits and see if more comes from it. He said that he has never been married and doesn’t have kids. I agreed and we have met 2 times already for sex. There is more background but nothing that would give more information. The first time was at my home because he said he had recently moved from out of state and was staying with family and didn’t have his own place yet. He said that once he got a place in the next couple months, I could come over there. We had sex twice during the first meeting and we talked in between, he really enjoys cuddling. Although he said he was an open book & I could ask anything, his answers were short and to the point, no elaboration and no volunteering of information. I, however, really am an open book. I asked him his last name but I didn’t catch it and felt embarrassed to ask again because I am that person who has to ask the same question multiple times because I can’t hear conversation level audio very well & people get annoyed. He then went out of the country for a couple of weeks which I am pretty sure actually happened. I did get pictures, one with him in it & location verified by Google Lens, and I got a very short good morning video where he said the location and panned the camera over the view which matched what he said. I also checked the app we met on & it had him located in that country. *Issue here: he asked me to be exclusive to him, not being on any apps/sites or sex with other people, before we had sex. I asked him to reciprocate which he agreed to. I looked and his profile is still active on the app. He told me when he got back in town and a few days later asked me suddenly if I could meet him that night at a hotel but we would only meet for about an hour. Once there, I asked him why the hotel and he said that it was booked for a client from work but that the person wasn’t there yet and so he had access to the room. I’ve stayed in enough hotels to notice a few things felt wrong with the situation. 1. He said the client hadn’t come in town yet so the room was still empty but I noticed (after, smh) that the other bed was messed up like someone had already slept there. 2. He didn’t seem to have a key when we left or it was already turned in like someone had checked out already. 3. He walked me to my car and we both left at the same time. He did not check out. These things made me think that the room had already been used and he was just making use of it afterward but why lie? Maybe the ick factor of using a room left over from someone else? My contact with him is sporadic with most of the regular interactions being initiated by me except for making plans to meet for sex. His conversation is mostly about sex only. I did ask him later to spell his last name (because I didn't catch it the first time.) I said that I would like it for safety reasons to let my daughter know where I was and who I was with just in case but he gave me the run around and I eventually dropped it after a while because it he kept evading, thinking I could get it next time another way. He said that has no social media besides Snapchat (and that I could find.) His phone number does not give me any information except for his first name when I look it up, I even paid for BeenVerified and nothing, without his last name or more information I can't find anything. He does work with computers and software. While he kept most of our more sexual conversation to Snapchat, he has been more active on actual text since he got back in town, including talk about sex. I did worry that he was hiding what he was doing from someone by using Snapchat. I get that may still be the case. I know there are so many red flags and I should run but I clearly make bad decisions. My late husband flew red flags as well but I married him. I’m not looking for someone to tell me that I am dumb, I totally get that there is a 90+% chance I’m just being used & this situation will not work out into something more besides sex & me getting hurt. I keep thinking that I will get more information when we meet up again & he might actually be legitimate but I don’t come away with anything helpful. He looks and acts super sweet when we are together (all 2 times in person.) I do not know how to be in a sex-only situationship, especially when sometimes his actions or words make it confusing. I am trying to stay in the mindset of sex-only and not contact him unless he contacts me to avoid looking clingy/needy since I have a hard time separating sex from feelings. I don’t know if me trying to not contact him looks like I don’t want more though. I don’t know where the line is. I am so confused and feel like I am 20 years old getting jerked around again, except that I was actually friends with my husband before. Any advice is welcome.