MCsquared

So the drama continues..he text me yesterday afternoon, just some random idea he had about a side business. No mention of the call or anything. I answered a couple of hours later saying I didn't think his side business idea was a good idea. Said I hope you have a good day tomorrow and goodnight. He responded that he hopes we both have good days and to tell him everything tomorrow when I'm done with work, he'll be free around 7 pm my time. I honestly don't know what to think. I'm not calling him or responding to that. But if he calls me part of me wants to ask him outright what the deal is. The other part of me says what's the point. This is all he ever will be to me...and if I can accept him at face value as just a person to enjoy convo with, is that ok for me? I don't know anymore. I'm definitely not texting him how I feel about everything or asking him anything via text that he can ignore and sidestep. I did also actually talk on the phone with another guy in my area last night...so I'm opening myself up to other possibilities. I can't say the convo was great but I'm leaving all doors open and seeing what develops.

@rainbowsandroses, do you think there ever would have been a point that he would let down his guard and want to get past this avoidant attachment? I can't see how i could out wait him anymore, to see if he would ever come around. Like someone said even if he did we don't live near each other. And as much as I enjoy him I want more than friendship but I feel bad letting him down..if that makes sense. If he's just not capable.

Thank you for this. I'm going to second guess myself for a while, it is my nature so I really appreciate this. I'll look back on it when I feel I need to reach out to him. I can't respect myself and do that. It would be one thing if he does and explains himself etc but it has to come from him. Then I can decide if I want to proceed as long distance friends.

We met on Bumble. I swiped on him because he was in my neighborhood and I thought oh well let's try him at least he's local. Then when we matched he told me he was in town for work. Nothing in his profile stated he traveled for work or where he lives. I did ask him after started talking for a few weeks...if he knew I lived here and he was just traveling through, why did he swipe on me? He said honestly first it was attraction and then he started getting to know me. I appreciate all the kind feedback. It really helps because I keep wondering if I should do something to fix this. I feel bad if he just truly wanted a friend and I pushed and ruined it but why be on a dating app or be using the dating app function? He's deleted his profile a few weeks ago but maybe he has another one? I can't speculate anymore. He knows how to reach me if he wants to. I'm still shocked by his behavior...so maybe it is for the best.

Thank you for this. I'm going to second guess myself for a while, it is my nature so I really appreciate this. I'll look back on it when I feel I need to reach out to him. I can't respect myself and do that. It would be one thing if he does and explains himself etc but it has to come from him. Then I can decide if I want to proceed as long distance friends.

So far no text, call or a response of any kind. I can understand not being able to chat, even for five minutes, but to not acknowledge it at all….even if he was annoyed that I called “ out of the blue” which I didn’t, don’t you send a response or hit an automatic reply saying can’t talk now or call back? What’s so horrible about a video call? In this day and age with Teams and Zooms calls being a normal thing? I also did only video after he told me he wanted to see a video of the garden, so he was accessible to his phone. If he’s sitting in a hotel room, by himself, what would have prevented him from picking up? Or shooting a text back? I don’t feel entitled that he should drop everything for me but this doesn’t sound odd to anyone? I’m tired of analyzing this, and I did what I do, I can’t undo it. I’m not reaching out to him…I feel the behavior is odd, I can’t understand what he could be hiding but this doesn’t work for me anymore then I have nothing to regret. I can’t handle being just friends with someone whom I want more with. I’ll never be able to let myself look for a relationship while he is hanging the wings. It wouldn’t be fair to the person I’m dating that this guy would always take priority. Especially if this guy has a relationship with someone else already and I’m just a fool sitting by waiting for him to play with me when he’s ready. I do feel bad that I couldn’t sit in the uncertainty and just consider him a friend but you don’t have to accept friend status with someone you wanted to date. Maybe I ruined a friendship but it is what it is.

That's why I texted him first..he could have said yes or no, proposed a time. Was this a bad thing to do?

I'm curious to see if he'll call or text or video back at some point. I hung up on the video chat but did t leave a message oe text him again. Think I'm just gonna lean way back.

So I texted him this afternoon and said hey I was wondering if you were up for the video chat, figured the weekend would be easier. Told him I would like to show him the garden and get his opinion on something. He read the text, didn’t respond. Two hours later I said so that’s a ? He responded yes send me a video of the garden would love to see it…didn’t comment on the video chat. So I video called him, he didn’t pick up. Shocker. I guess I have all the answers i need now. Something isn’t right if he’s a single man, traveling alone, why he couldn’t pick up a video call. Or say he was busy let’s do it at x, y, z time. Even as a friend, why wouldn’t you want to talk to someone face to face? I can’t imagine. Figured you would all enjoy that. Proud of myself for doing this and extremely sad and disappointed at the same time.

I appreciate everyone’s comments on here but honestly I feel more confused than ever. Yes I previously posted about this as I am still lost. We have not had a video chat yet. I did ask him recently about having one and if he was still interested in meeting and he said yes to both. I was going to suggest the video call next week when he will be at a job site for two weeks so he will have more time in one place. I didn’t meet him the first time he asked, which was a day or two after we first started messaging, when I found out he didn’t live in the area. I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea as it didn’t have a future but I fell into the trap of getting attached to him and that maybe I was wrong and that this could go somewhere. I do not think he is any kind of scammer or bad person. If he lived in my area I would have met him right away. Funny enough I don’t want to be penpals with anyone but for some reason I can’t seem to let go of this guy. I had asked him a few weeks into talking why he matched with me initially if he knew that he didn’t live in my city. I said were you just looking for someone for a night or two? He said no, that’s not his style. He said first it was attraction and then he got to know me more. He had told me at that point that he wasn’t talking to other girls, even said he probably shouldn’t admit that but it was true. I think he doesn’t want to hurt me as he doesn’t know where this could go either but neither one of us seem to be willing to have the hard talk. Or maybe I’m interpreting this entirely wrong and he’s playing me. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt as he has been honest with me all along. I try to tell myself just having him as a friend is enough and I enjoy speaking with him so much. We are so much alike and he does genuinely seem to care. He has been hurt in the past by girls and I think he still isn’t completely over some of those hurts so he holds himself back. He has said he self sabotages important relationships and maybe it is a good thing we have the distance. I am unable to go to him as he is several states away and he travels the majority of time. He is home for a week at a time and then on the road again for several weeks. We do talk about him visiting my state and how much fun it would be and that he would like to. He mentioned saving his points with the car rental service to have enough to use for when he is here. A few weeks after we started talking on the app he was the one to ask if I wanted to talk on the phone and possibly meet someday. I said yes to both. I said I don’t know how smart it would be but I’m definitely interested. I want more with him but I don’t know how to approach it. If I don’t push and ask for these things I don’t see how I’ll ever know if we do have a future. As posters have mentioned, we aren’t in a relationship, I can’t ask him if he wants to date me as we have never met. I feel like a video call would be the first step, to see if he would even do it when push comes to shove. And see how we interact face to face. I’m obviously not content with the current arrangement. I definitely don’t want to walk away from him as he hasn’t done anything wrong. Most of this is my projection/anxiety/wants. As posters have mentioned, I might have self sabotaged myself, maybe I am emotionally unavailable to a degree. He never lead me on, he came in heavy with the compliments but overall, he has been consistent with me. He calls if I ask or if I’m having a bad day. He makes the time to talk…so I don’t know. I don’t know where this leaves me. I don’t want to make rash decisions and block him and tell him to F off. I don’t want to blow it up. But whatever this is is making me crazy. I don’t know how to interact with him now as I’m on high alert. I feel like I should be distancing myself but that also feels like a tactic to force his hand. If I just disappeared would he notice? So many conflicting thoughts around this whole situation and it kills me because I wish I had stuck to my guns from the beginning and wished him well and moved on. He has mentioned he has this thing where he is always striving to make changes in his life and decisions. Big sweeping changes, like how to make more money or advance himself. That he isn’t content, he’s always thinking about the next thing. I feel like he has a lot of internal conflict and I know he isn’t entirely happy with his life. He’s going to turn 40 in a few weeks and I think he feels like he isn’t where he thought he would be in life by this age. So I don’t know where this leaves me, how to move forward or what to do. To be honest, some of the comments here have made me feel like I’m a villian and I’ve been leading him on and being a complete crazy person. I admit my faults and insecurities but I don’t know if this whole situationship is entirely my fault. I’m not looking to assign blame, just honestly looking for guidance and a sympathetic ear. Sorry for the long post.

The job requires him to travel a lot...I don't really do anything except have phone calls and texts with him. Maybe just the keeping him company aspect he means? I said that I'm sure he'd have been fine with the job and he's capable but appreciate him saying what he said. I guess it was a stupid comment to make. I'm overanalyzing it too much I know and I said what I said but feel bad if it was taken wrong.

I'm gonna lean back and just cool it for a bit. But, just so I know, do you think I should text him about the convo last night?

My last question I'll ask for advice on....last night when I joked with him about suffering through the call...and then he told me how much he values the friendship etc...I said ok I'll think about sharing my dinner with you then (we talked about dinner while on the phone)..and then said I think he'd be fine handling the job, that he's very capable but thank you for saying that...do you think that was too flippant a response or I should have thanked him for opening up and sharing that? It isn't easy for him to say things like that and that he needs people. He's very independent. Feel like saying it now is too weird and after the fact. Just wondering...

It's been about four months. We live in different states so definitely more than an hour or two drive. He asked me out after exchanging like 2 messages but I hadn't felt comfortable at that time. And he was just passing through my town at that time. Since he's been home he hasn't mentioned it again and had been on the road again. I feel like I should be having this convo with him instead of posting on a site..but I'm scared of the coming on too strong/pressuring him vibes and what his answer would be. I think I'll just hang back at this point and see what unfolds.

So how should I proceed? I feel kind of stupid now like I've done something to self sabotage this. Just hang back and see what he does?