Cariadmawr

So what’s the point in getting married and entering into a so called committed relationship if you continue to get aroused and fantasise about being with others ? Surely the whole point is for the security of having a loving commited parter who only desires you. Otherwise it’s just a partnership of convenience where you can look but not touch. In my opinion that’s just a farse of a relationship! If that person is not fulfilling you completely then is really any point in being with them?

I think everyone notices and acknowledges when someone is attractive but that’s where it ends. There’s should be no further thoughts of that person if you are in a committed relationship. Those are my boundaries in a marriage. I appreciate that this may not be the same for other couples though. I believe that viewing porn and fantasising about sex with others is crossing that line.

We had a very brief discussion about porn when we moved in together and I made it clear that I wasn’t happy with him viewing it. When I have asked him over the 15 years whether he viewed it he said no and I naively believed him, until I caught him one night when he thought I was asleep. He says he never fantasises about anyone else and agrees that that is infidelity. Like I say he has sworn that he doesn’t find other women attractive. I just don’t know how anyone can watch porn and not find the women attractive. I think we may benefit from counselling. I love him but I need to feel secure and loved in my marriage and not feel that he is looking elsewhere for gratification.

Thanks for your advice. When I say i’m unavailable I was referring to my time of the month or illness. Apparently he would look at porn if we hadn’t had sex for a few days before my period or if I become unwell. I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don’t feel that a man or women in a committed long term relationship should be fantasising about others. It’s one thing to think a film star is pretty and another if they are lusting over another women’s body and achieving sexual gratification from doing so. I don’t watch porn and can honestly say I don’t find other men sexually attractive. I might notice a good looking guy on telly or in the street but my mind doesn’t think any more than that. I feel betrayed if he was lusting over others as I believe that should be something that is exclusively for your parter. That’s just my opinion and how I feel about my marriage.

Thanks for your advice and opinions. I have had my doubts that he is just saying that he doesn’t find the women attractive to save my feelings. Although, if I’m honest it’s just making it worse as I feel that he is insulting my intelligence. He is adamant that he didn’t watch porn for arousal and only to look at the act (certain position) to trigger a memory. Apparently it helped him to remember the sounds and feeling easier by watching a couple in the same position. He said that as he is circumcised and masturbating without lubricant can be painful, he tries to think about the memory and feeling of actual sex as that is what will get him to orgasm quicker than relying on just the video. I kind of understand that reasoning but am really struggling to believe that he can watch naked women and not find them arousing or attractive, even if it is a secondary part of his thinking during masturbation. Do all men find the women in these videos attractive or can it be just a means to an end by looking at the act?

I have recently found out that my husband of 15 years has been occasionally masturbating to porn when I’m unavailable for sex. He says he uses it as a memory trigger to remember sessions with me and that he isn’t aroused or attracted to the porn actresses. Apparently he finds remembering sex with me much more stimulating and can only orgasm when thinking about us together. Do men think of their wives when masturbating and watching porn? Are they able to watch naked women on porn and not be aroused and attracted to the actresses in the video? I’m just wondering if he is lying to me to spare my feelings when he is actually fantasising about sex with these women.