Art_demure

I feel like this is the only place that does not judge me. I am very glad. I do feel much open here than any other sites as they mostly call me names and made fun of me. So I appreciate anyone here who actually willing to help.

The first time I admired him was when he paid for my housemate and I for paying the bill. Small gestures like that. In the cafe, I tried to analyze and study him while he was reading the daily newspaper. Once he paid and we got out, he smiled at us and headed to the direction opposite from us. From that moment I looked up at him in admiration I do see normal people as role models or admiration sometimes. Not just to him. But to friends as well. Oh. I also remember vividly before going to the cafe we had to cross the road and he would tell us to run. The way he said it was funny though. So I also have nightmares of people following me in the apartment and he knew I was worried and he would ask my landlord then to check the CCTV because of people banging on my door for no reason. But yeah that's the past and realized that I shouldn't rely or admire too much or overboard. I couldn't help it though

I know that I can be independent. I do not need him or anyone's help. For the most part, I can do things on my own. But there are times when and if I have a problem, then I immediately shut down and cry because it reminded me of him when he helped me with things. I always see him as a hero. The one who fights for me (sometimes) when some people do not. Like fixing the toilet, helping the faucet sink, taking care of the laundry, spraying the cockroaches and defending me when people were against me as I am a foreigner here. He also taught me to drive even though I do not have a driver's license. I do sometimes pay him but there are times he didn't want to be paid. I really hate the fact that his strength is my weaknesses and I see his strength as something I can learn from him. He's always present and aware of the environment. When I was cold or didn't use my jacket properly, he would zip and help me put my jacket on properly. When I was sick of getting COVID, he got furious that I didn't call him immediately and asked, "Why did not you just call me?" Or he just make comments that I am too quiet and I should speak up more. He got mad one time when I asked him to grab my friend's phone as it fell behind the toilet and he came over, but was being moody. I also got furious at him once until I threw a ketchup at him because of how he treated someone terrible. Nevertheless, he stole my heart and I cannot forget about him even if I want to. He has planted something in me that I became much confident and I became independent. He taught me to fight for being present. That every moment counts. He makes the present moment fun and I get to not take things seriously or I am not gloomy as I used to. There is something that he did, changed me and had a huge impact on me. I have become better at fixing and repairing things around, socializing and being present and aware. I learned to be adventurous because of him since he always brings me to the forest, mountains, parks and the beach. I learned that spending these precious moments is something I should not take for granted. I should also do the same to those I am close with. I shouldn't remain apathetic or passive all the time. I learned that from him. I learned that I was raised in a family who never showed love through these things. I think this is the reason why I fell for this man. I know I have been giving him too much credit and praising him a lot, but this is the reason why I am here. That I am not like my old me.

Yeah with the ones I am close with, I can be comfortable around them. Even the ones that I can't relate with sometimes. For example if she loves to party a lot. I don't mind making friends with people like her, but I won't necessarily relate to her lifestyle. This is why I go for befriending older women as they are relatable surprisingly for me. As for my parents, they are fine. There were times when I wasn't loved in the household and I was being neglected when I was sick growing up. I kind of understand because they were busy. Fought a lot with mom but was closer with her as she is my mom.

I make friends from all ages. I make friends from people a year younger than me or older until in their 50s. I do get along well with mothers. So gen x. I am gen z. Mostly my friends are also my age group so around 20s or 20+.

Yes he stole my heart basically. He told me that he would never touch me. Though I highly doubt it if we were alone together in a room. There's no way I would be able to handle my temptations. But yes, it was mostly emotional. I guess I just have to accept the feelings. I really do fell deeply in love with him. It isn't just hormonal and goody feelings only. I know that he has his own demons and I still respect and admire him. I told him that I wanted to forget him and he got upset about it. But I said it's hard for me to forget. So I will always love him from afar. I still kept his videos and pictures with me when he took me out on adventure. But I know I cannot keep them forever if I am with someone else.

It doesn't have to make sense. I can't help it. My emotions always gets in the way. He really did make a huge impact in my life. Maybe he was selfish. But he accepts me. He sharpened my awareness with the way I dress and my natural look. He prefers my natural look whereas other guys pressured me and compared me to other girls or women my age. Small things like he loved my long hair when he gets to brush it since it reaches to my hips. However my other ex never liked it when I pulled it down. That was his preferance. So I am myself around him. Like I am comfortable like a little girl

I have improved not to care about anyone's judgements or opinions anymore. Especially to strangers. For example if my neighbours judge me for my actions and gossip about me. Well, that is their problem and I don't care so much about putting an image either. I do care about other people's feelings and I am sensitive. Even if I am not perfect, of course.

I just do not want to take things seriously all the time. If I have a problem, I will just keep my head up and be carefree. I know that as a woman I experience hormonal changes. I will experience changes in my body. I just don't want to remain negative and come across like that around others. Being a little girl is just free and I do not have to care about what others think of me all the time. It is an escape from pressure and anxiety. It got me out of depression in a way. If a man brings my inner child, then he is special in my life I would say. Because he had the time to take care of how I feel.

This man brought my inner child back. He did not just bring me out of depression. But he made me giddy, smile, laugh and tease with people again. It is as if I do not take things seriously all the time. It is as if he turned me into a little girl again. Not everyone has the talent to do this. Not even my other ex could or other guys in my life I wasn't this carefree or active before I met him. So something has unlocked me. What he did. I wish to find someone who can do the same. Hard though

Tbh not sure why the people would get hyped about my username as it can be a surname for someone too. But yes anyone can spend in their free time to just point out something that is actually irrelevant to my situation and doesn't help my problem

I do not admire the bad qualities. Just his good ones. I have a dad who cheated on my mom 2x in the past and he was a good person and hardworking.

Thing is if I go book for an appointment for a therapist, it is not guaranteed if the therapist would even help me. As of now, I will just work on myself and focus on expanding my social circle as it heals me. Normally going out and shopping, having fun is my thing. It does distract me from dwelling on him. But if I see a couple in public, I immediately get triggered and think about him again. Then I will just get all triggered and secretly cry again because of just small things like that.

I was actually approached by another married guy in the museum who lied about his age. We exhanged numbers that time. We used to call and text at night. Not in the morning since he always told me he is busy. He always calls me when he is on the bus on the way home from work. I didn't know he was married until I found out his wife texted me out of the blue. Well never liked him anyway. But I blocked him eventually

I even dreamt about him today after I saw him yesterday (or if I am imagining) but he knows where I live anyway. Not sure why in this dream he always calls my name and persuade me to come with him. Then he threw a birthday party for my grandpa. He is also the type of man who would throw a birthday party on the day for a stranger. Or let a stranger to pass by across the street. Or even let an elderly sit before him. That was how much I admire in him I know it's just on the surface but he has always been helpful even to strangers. Although he can be racist and misogynistic when he blabbers because he just blabbers whatever is on his mind without filter normally. He just calls names at others but do noy mean to offend. Many people would find him offensive while others would find him funny. So he does have certain jokes that might only fit for others who understand. He was the type who could make me laugh when I know that not many guys can.