SunDragon

Cherylyn; I wanted to reject your statement because I could have easily been relegated to the “throw-away category by everyone I encountered. Then I thought of my sisters’; my middle sister called me crying because she had discovered that she fit all the characteristics of a “narcissist”. It was heartbreaking. I listened to her but I knew whatever advice I could give her would just be words unless she allowed herself to hear them & heal. She has been to many therapists. Healing when you’ve gone through a lot of trauma can be soul crushing itself. You get to recognize all the ways you’re damaged, “not normal” and how many rites of passage were stolen from you. So then you get to learn to let go of not only all that but the anger, resentment & so much more. All the while feeling like you “don’t fit in” anywhere and desperately wanting to. You have to consciously choose happiness. My sister is very hard to take & the current break we’re on is most likely a permanent one. Then there’s my eldest sister; whom I love & who protected me a lot. I drove her to the homeless shelter after begging her to get help for the issues that she was struggling with & her refusing to do so. She was living with me & I couldn’t take it anymore, asking her when is it our chance to have a good life?…. So I would be a hypocrite if I told anyone to stick it out with friends who need a little extra effort. What I can say, as before; stick it out if you feel they are worth it & if it doesn’t drain you. My sisters are worth it. Even the one I don’t speak to. I’m just waiting for them to recognize their worth, (if ever), & know I will always be there to support them as they do the work. And in all of this I will always set healthy boundaries for my own hard won well-being.

I can attest to the validity of spending a lifetime of being controlled and then gaining your “freedom” at an older age. Though my circumstantial control wasn’t through marriage it still created the same “lack” in my social skills. When you finally get to speak you talk excessively about yourself, interrupt people, think that your point needs to be pushed out, etc…. You don’t think you’re seen & when someone points out that they “see your damage”, cause you’re trying so hard, it hits hard. Learning to be socially adept is a skill. One that not everyone gets to take for granted & takes time. Controlled people don’t know their worth. Believing it is tied to someone or something other than themselves. So my advice; if you truly like this “friend”, be direct while still being a friend. Be patient while she’s figuring it out. Let her learn her own individualistic worth by not abandoning her friendship. Taking breaks from the friendship can also be helpful. Guaranteed in that time she’s digesting & processing. But always come back & you will watch a woman bloom. Beyond grateful for the friends, (all that I met in my 40’s), in my life that stuck it out & always came back even when I was the one that had to take the breaks.