I'm a newly minted sophomore in college and 6 months ago, I got dumped by the first boy I ever loved. It was a blindside, I was devastated, did the begging and pleading thing when he briefly came back a month and a half later, and then just tried to cope when he left again. I would tell myself that I'd probably hear back from him at some point and that delusion got me through the end of the spring semester. Then, I went home for summer break and had to cope with the loss of that hope that he would come back and it was like going through heartbreak again. But then, I got hit up by someone I hadn't seen in 3 years. My senior in high school who I was in a club with and he graduated 2 years before me, let's call him S. I also reconnected with another friend I knew from that same club and I introduced them. We've all been hanging out over this summer and it's been a blast since we all share the same interests. Honestly, even though I began the summer on a really bad note (relapsing on my heartbreak from the breakup), it ended up being the best summer I ever had. I've never met someone I have so much in common with as S and honestly, I really like him. I don't know how he feels but it's possible that the feeling is mutual. He's the one who hit me up, wanted to hang out more often, started sending me insta reels, and told me that maybe we can hang out at his college this winter.
And now summer is over and I'm ending my first week back at uni. I was very much dreading it before and now I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. My freshman year started out alright but I had some roommate issues and then getting dumped by my ex really took a toll on me. My roommate last year was not a bad person, but she was rather uptight and I felt like I could never keep up with her demands. For example, I'd vacuum and then she'd ask me if I cleaned and I'd be like I literally just did. Funnily enough, her side of the room was way more cluttered than mine ("Oh but it's not an organization issue, it's a cleanliness issue!"). My suitemates were more friendly with her than they were with me and it escalated into a bit of a mess that was really humiliating and disheartening for me. Having issues with the very people I lived with, then getting dumped by my ex just a month later was honestly a 1-2 punch of rejection that still hurts to this day. For this school year, with some hesitation, I agreed to room with one of my friends who means well but can be a bit much personality wise. I was unsure of how this would go but so far, I'm actually happier than I thought I would be. We communicate better than my old roommate and I did. She's not a stickler about having the room one way. She's actually slightly messier than me but I was never actually that messy in hindsight so it doesn't bother me. I've also been spending some more time with the people in my major and becoming better friends with them and that has made me feel better. I'm actually feeling slightly hopeful that sophomore year will go better for me than freshman year did, but I go back and forth because freshman year was lowkey traumatizing lol.
Recently, I noticed that my ex unblocked me and it gives me mixed feelings. The thing about my ex and I was that our chemistry was top tier but we had few things in common. That was his basis for dumping me. I loved him very much and I didn't really see anything as a deal breaker because I felt that we did have the fundamentals in common (similar views on religion, children, marriage, family), even if we were different in other ways (he was an introvert to my extrovert, country boy to my city girl, preferred to stay in and watch TV shows while I liked to explore different places and try new things). Clearly, he saw things differently and I guess there was nothing I could do to change his mind about that. I'm doing much better than before but I would be lying if I said I was 100% over it. I saw him pull out of the uni parking lot as I was exiting class the other day and it did make my heart ache slightly. It's stupid. He was incredibly cold to me in the breakup and then when he talked to me again, he just wanted sex. I deserve better than him. In hindsight, the breakup allowed me to grow a lot. My ex was my first everything and I became a lot more comfortable in my skin throughout my relationship with him and in the months since the breakup, I've become more self aware and mature. I feel more like an adult. I can probably do better than him. But God, if there isn't a part of my heart that still goes "Why couldn't I have the boy I loved *this* much by my side?" I don't think I'd get back with my ex at this point because he absolutely destroyed all the trust I had in him and I've met someone who could potentially be a far better fit but I wish I didn't still have some feelings left for him. I feel unable to get rid of those last bits of feelings. Do they ever go away?
The uncertainty is killing me here. I wonder why my ex unblocked me, if he ever misses me or thinks about me from time to time. I wonder if I could hear back from him sometime. I honestly don't even know how I would react if he did contact me again. Sometimes I entertain the possibility of being with him again, other times I want him to come back so I can release my anger at him. If he comes back and I somehow give him another chance, it would be a difficult road for him to regain my trust and I cannot guarantee that I wouldn't blow up at him from time to time in the beginning. Me even giving him another chance would be a miracle considering that there's someone else who might be interested in me who seems far more compatible. My insecurities get the best of me here though. S and I have a lot in common and I'm relatively good looking but sometimes I can't fathom the possibility that he might be interested in me. I can be irresponsible, awkward, and moody and there's a lot that I still don't know how to do yet. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but S is one of the smartest people I have ever met. He's of a higher class than I am. I constantly think back to that 1-2 punch of being rejected by my suitemates and then my ex and I feel incredibly inadequate compared to everyone else. Uni has just started back up and so far it seems like it will probably be better than last year but I still feel anxious. I feel like I have no idea what might happen this year, from both a general standpoint and a romantic one. I just need some hope right now.
