Strongliveshere91

Never take anyone for granted in this life. I've learned that life can be very unfair and cruel. I simply don't hold grudges against anyone anymore. There are bigger things happening around us that require our time, energy, and attention. Today was not a very good day for me. I'm super hormonal which doesn't make the emotional pain any better, in fact it felt like a huge step back today. I've been crying all day. I don't want to exert energy to do anything lately.

That is a really sweet idea. I'll have to try that. I don't know, the past day or two has been so strange and once again filled with some PTSD. Like I said this comes and goes in waves. I had to visit her home to collect the rent checks and collect any mail she had. I usually come once a week to keep up with everything. I just broke down. Her aunt lives next door from us and her daughter was visiting. It was comforting to just let it all out with them. I also had some strange dreams the past couple of nights.. like one where she looked like she passed away but then she woke up and we had to tell everyone she was actually alive and not dead after all. Very eery. I know this too shall pass. However, I feel like I almost have an obsession with death. I've just been so surrounded by it within the past year. My fiancée's brother passed away last year practically in our living room while overdosed on drugs. I feel very traumatized and hope therapy continues to help. Thank you guys for tuning into through all the motions.

I know its been a while since I have posted on here but I have been so preoccupied with wedding planning. I’m noticing every day it gets a little bit easier but at least once a day I have my moments where I feel the need to text or call her at some point to tell her about my day. We spoke every single day when I would drive home from work , or she would text me asking what I’m up to and if I can come over to help her with something or keep her company. I really miss her. Yesterday I had an extremely long day at work and just wanted to text her to let her know when I would be going home etc. I think going to therapy and coming to this platform will help me through these times. Anyways, Hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend! I start work again tomorrow.. just have to finish out the week and then onto my vacation!

Hugs to you 🩷 I'm struggling with a very recent loss of my mother so I can kind of relate. Let the tears roll down your face , feel what you need to feel and then process it. Really sit with it , maybe start a grief journal or just come to this forum to document how you are feeling. While I'm a huge advocate for therapy I also would encourage some sort of support group as well. Just be kind to yourself

Thank you 🩷 today was actually a good day for the most part aside from the grief wave I had a little earlier. My boss approached me and asked what I'm doing at work and that I should have taken more time off. I already took 2 weeks off , the first week was to spend time with her before she passed. The second was after she had passed. I think if I take anymore time off it wouldn't be good for my mental health. I would be consumed by it. Work is keeping me distracted plenty. I joined betterhelp therapy and met with a therapist twice, and I'm looking into bereavement groups. I am interested in getting back into shape as well so I have to find something I truly enjoy doing that is fun.

Did anyone else struggle with a little bit of PTSD from seeing your loved one suffer/deteriorate before they passed? I'm having images of what she looked like the day before and the moments leading up to her passing. I stood in front of her very close to her face making sure she knew who I was and she touched my face for a minute or two , without saying anything . This seems to be hitting me in waves. I have voicemails she left me a week before. I keep listening to them when the wave of grief takes over 💔

That is the beautiful thing about this platform - we can all relate to each other and help each other heal through these tribulations. thank you for the kind words ❤️

Thank you all for the responses. I will respond to each one! I just feel like now I am going to take this opportunity to use this as some sort of healing journal (where we can all share and participate). I will try and report here often and just say whatever is on my mind.. whatever emotions I need to get out there. I cried on the way to work this morning in the car. I had a feeling of impending doom, thinking to myself "is this really happening to me?". I go through all of the grieving stages in a whirlwind it seems. I am extremely sad, and also feeling guilty (probably when I shouldn't be). I am also extremely angry and hurt. I will never understand why this has to happen to good people in the world. Why my parents? why did both of them have to leave me? How come I am the only person I know dealing with this? All of these questions burning me up inside. Not to mention, I almost feel angry at other people around me who won't understand how this feels and didn't experience this like I have. I find myself isolating from friends who say all of these nice things to me and try to be supportive. I don't see how they can help me or even begin to understand what I am going through... and now it makes everything almost awkward in a way. Their parents are living. Mine are not. Anytime this subject comes up and they speak about their parents or share something about them, I will never be able to contribute to the conversation in the same way. I'm just so mad at the world right now. I tell myself this is all just part of the process, but I noticed I can't shake the anger. I have had this anger inside me since my father passed away 7 years ago. It lessened over time.. and now it is starting back up again with the same velocity. I am too young to feel this way about the world. I want to turn back time. I want to revert back to my childhood when I felt safe and happy.

This is the hardest part to come to terms with. They will no longer be physically there to share in our life experiences.

Everything you said really hit home for me. You are describing exactly how I feel, and everything I went through with my mother, especially near the end of her life. My mother also deteriorated in the same way... she could barely speak, she had water in her lungs, couldn't swallow so she was literally starving to death and on IV fluids only. It was so traumatizing to see her in this state, yet I couldn't stop myself from going to that hospital every single day to see her. The same thing that comforted me (spending time with her), was the same thing that was killing me inside. Yet, if I never went to visit her as frequently as I did (like my sisters) I know I would still be eaten up with guilt. Maybe we are so used to seeing our loved ones as strong and resilient when they were alive and well, that we cannot see them any other way. I plan on honoring my mother the same way I grew to honor my father over time. I will make sure if I have children, that they know who she is. I will make sure to keep her memory alive by talking about her and sharing stories. I know this is going to be a long road as I have been here before. This first week without her is just unbearable. I also want to believe she is watching over me and witnessing all of my life accomplishments. I really hope there is an afterlife. I often think about death and where our spirits go (or if we even have one). I want her to send me some type of sign as I haven't really gotten one yet. I just want to know that she is somewhere out there, continuing on in a peaceful and happy state. I need to know that she is okay now.

Wow. we have somewhat similar experiences it seems. It was super important to my mother to have all her children settled in their lives and taken care of so I know she passed on feeling very happy and proud of all of her children. The tough part about losing parents is that you no longer have that person in your life to look out for you, make sure you are safe out there in the world. The love we receive from our parents or a parental figure is like no other. I miss the feeling of being safe with my father around, and now I miss my. mother's warmth, generous and kind nature. You are so right. we are blessed to have had our parents and the memories of them. it's just sad that we can't build new ones.

Yes we are actually going to do a memorial type of table at our wedding as well as reserve seats at our ceremony for our loved ones who passed. My fiancee's brother actually passed away a year ago to addiction so we both have been through quite a lot in the year leading up to our wedding.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm so very sorry for your loss as well. I've learned it doesn't necessarily get easier, you just get stronger as time passes. It leaves an unexplainable void in your heart. Sending love

I lost my mother to lung cancer on August 9th, 2024. She battled this horrible disease for 5 years and was first diagnosed 2 years after my father passed away from a heart attack. To make matters worse, I'm getting married in October and I really wanted her to be there more than anything in the world. She fought so hard, I know if circumstances were different she would have kept going. The cancer spread to her brain. By the time the cancer was caught and treated with radiation, it was already too aggressive. I saw my mother literally deteriorate in front of my eyes an every single day I visited her in the hospital. It ripped my heart out to see her like that, but I had to keep going. I had to spend the time with her. I took off of work that entire week before she passed. I needed her to know how much I loved her and wanted to cheer her up by just watching her favorite shows with her or talk to her about the wedding planning and her opinions or ideas. Somehow I still don't feel like I did enough. I was her main caregiver and took FMLA plenty of times to take her to her immunotherapy appointments or spend the time with her. I really feel guilty and sad that I wasn't there when she passed on in hospice care. I left that afternoon, my cousin visited her that night and by 8:30 am she was gone. I shattered into pieces when I got that phone call from the doctor. Now I am alone at 32 years old, just getting my life started and my parents will not be able to experience my wedding , my future children, my first home. I feel like an outlier amongst my friends. I am the only one with 2 deceased parents. All of my friends have both parents. Even my fiancee. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but I've actually never felt more isolated and alone in my life. I have two older sisters but we don't discuss our feelings with each other too much, and we aren't as close as I'd like to be. To sum it up, I feel more comfortable sharing my heart and emotions on the internet with strangers than anyone I know in my life. I just need to be able to feel like I can relate to people. So... I'm creating this post to engage anyone who knows what it feels like to lose one or both parents and how to navigate this process together. Perhaps we can share in this experience together and find the comfort and peace we need.