Desert oasis

I do spend a fair bit of time reflecting on my thoughts and my intentions. In my experience much of this has lead to my wish washy behavior with women. I think to myself, this person doesn’t seem right for me. Then I think, but I’m probably just thinking that because I’m searching for perfection. I get into this mental stalemate where I don’t know if I should trust my judgement, or assume that my instincts are flawed because they are lead by greed and ego, like they are the little devil on my shoulder. I think this analysis is important, but I struggle knowing what part of myself to listen to. It makes it difficult to trust my decisions, especially the ones that will greatly affect the lives of others. I’m staring to sound like a broken record at this point. I thank all of you immensely for your help. It has been such a relief to have a place to talk this out and I have learned allot from this experience. Thank you!

Rainbowsandroses thank you for your advice. For me tho, I do want to have a family and be married. I don’t want to just keep dating and having only surface level connections. I also believe that raising children is best done with two parents who are together. So to me divorce is not really an option. I feel that it is unfair to the child, unless there are extreme circumstances, then of course it is warranted. Not having divorce as a potential way out makes the commitment allot more serious. I know that I will not find someone who is better in all the ways. There would be some things that are better and some worse. So much of this decision comes down to who I want to be around and spend time with, and I didn’t realize how important a matched sense of humor was until I had a decent amount of time without it. Whenever I consider that, it seems clear to me that it is the right choice to leave. Then I consider all the good things we have and how devastating the breakup will be and it makes it very difficult to follow through. I do know now what I have to do, I just need to find the right time.

I understand that the commitment itself will always be terrifying. Every relationship has its issues, and since all people do and see things differently, there will always be tensions. It is so hard to know what other people go through, what is normal. One thing I hear people say allot is when you find the person you will know. I have never really felt this with my current gf. I have always felt that if she wanted to end things with me, I would not fight her, and would in fact be relieved. It seems like that is not normal. It is a fool’s errand to look for perfect, but that doesn’t mean that what I have now is right. My concern is not so much how I feel now, but how I will feel in 3 years when we are married with kids. The lack of playful banter at that point, and the annoying traits will be hard to deal with.

I went from one extreme to the other because if we are going to stay together, given her age, we need to get married and start trying to have kids in the next 6 months. Hence the pressure to make a full commitment. I also thought that making this commitment and accepting it would solve my problem of always looking for greener grass. Unfortunately, it did not. I am terrified of the prospect of taking these next steps. But I can’t be sure if I am terrified of doing it with her, or if I’m terrified of doing it with anyone. I agree with shysoul that I was so happy to find someone so reasonable and accepting after my last relationship that I overlooked other things that are extremely important. When we broke up the last time I told her part of the reason was that we didn’t share a good banter and sense of humor. She said that it was because she never felt comfortable enough around me to joke around because we were always on shaky ground. It is apparent now that the reality is we are just different when it comes to humor, and that won’t change. I also know that much of her anxiety is caused by feelings of uncertainty with us that are my fault. I assume this will get better when we are married, but there is a risk that it won’t.

rainbowsandroses To answer your question, why did we break up before? Until recently I have worked as a yacht captain which meant spending the summers on a boat in the Caribbean and the winters here in Seattle. The first time we broke up was in the spring of 2023 before I left to go back to the Caribbean. We had decided that a long term relationship was not what either of us wanted. It was hard, but it seemed to make sense. It was certainly harder for her than it was for me. Later in the summer as I was finishing my work in the Caribbean I had an opportunity to bring someone in to help me sail the boat from the Bahamas all the way to Grenada. A 3-4 week trip. Her and I had stayed friends and were messaging all the time and I couldn’t think of a better person to ask for a trip like this. She flew in and just the two of us had an incredible sailing adventure and I decided to give it a shot with her again. In the later stages of the trip I told her I did not see our future together. Although I was being honest to a question she asked I wish I had lied. Hearing this tore her apart and I was able to reconcile her but it is one of the scares that is probably still there. After the trip we stayed together and things were good. I went back to the boat for a month in October and I called her to end things. After talking it over she convinced me that my concerns were not things that we couldn’t overcome and we stayed together. Then in a few months later in January I decided to end things again. This time we broke up and I tried dating for about 5 weeks. Placed in the position of either loosing her forever or trying to keep dating, I decided to try to commit to her entirely. Decide that this is the person I will spend my life with. I have tried that now and am again filled with doubt.

I posted that by accident. I just fixed it

It seems like the best thing to do is to end this relationship and try again. You could say I have commitment issues. I would say I am quite picky on who I want to spend my life with and have kids with. I know this is partly due to dating apps and instagram. They create a feeling that there are so many amazing people out there. But then you start dating and it’s very hard to find someone like you imagined. I ended my last relationships after 4 years because we had a history of some pretty terrible yelling arguments. I did not want to commit to a life with that type of communication. When I met my current gf a year later, she was so reasonable and non-reactive. It was very refreshing to share complete honesty and not get into yelling fights ever. However, the reality is I traded the yelling behavior of my ex, for fear and anxiety in my current gf. My ex was a very strong and tough woman and I admired that about her, but she was jealous and reactive. My gf now is not jealous or reactive, but she suffers from anxiety and fear. This is almost as bad, it’s just the other side of the coin. I don’t think my standards are unreasonable, but I am aware that I am looking for a rare person.

Thank you so much for all for the advice. It is extremely helpful and such a relief to get to talk about this. Just to be clear, I meant I was living in hell because I had this deep dark secret that was tearing me up but I could not share it with anyone, and it was making me depressed. I did not mean the relationship itself was hell. It’s the weight of thinking it must end and how devastating it will be. I agree that staying with someone out of pity is a really poor idea. It will inevitably end badly. It is really hard to end things in this case because we have so many things that are great. It would be much easier if we had more problems with our relationship. I have also spent allot of time dating and the dating market is pretty terrible. The real question becomes can I find someone better for me, or am I just trying to maximize every situation in my life, chasing perfection that doesn’t exist? If I compare her to a woman I imagine I would want to be with then I am comparing her to a fantasy that I have created in my head. My mother is a wonderful person, I know that much of my idea of a life partner is shaped around finding someone like my mother. Since I was young, the woman that I have imagined being with is caring and compassionate, supportive, and funny, but also incredibly beautiful and in good shape, and cares about staying fit. I am lucky that I have always been athletic and in good shape, so I am attracted to the same in a partner. If I ad to this list someone that is not politically extreme, living in Seattle, this makes for an almost impossible standard. Everything is relative. What matters is if I believe I can find someone better for me. That is my biggest question.

Hello, I am looking to get a little advice. I have a girlfriend I have been with on and off for about 3 years. I have ended things twice before and about 6 months ago I decided to get back with her after we had been apart for one month. We have always had a wonderful relationship in so many ways. She is a very kind and caring person and we have an incredible physical connection, one that I have never had with anyone before. We share much of the same hobbies and we are able to have difficult conversations without yelling and getting angry at each other. We also share complete honesty with each other and this has been incredible. All of these things are very important to me when I consider spending my life with someone. One thing we do not share is a certain playful banter that I have had in all of my past relationships. We have a different sense of humor and we don’t really make each other laugh. I show her things I find funny, and she doesn’t really find them funny. I’m afraid to do little things like prank her or scare her for fun, because I know she won’t like it. I also get annoyed often when she is speaking. Her stories are just not super interesting and they are always quite drawn out. She also speaks very loud and it is grating. This is often uncomfortable when she is telling a story around our friends and there is this feeling like we are all just hoping it will end soon. I hate that I feel this way about someone I love, but keeping the audience interested is a social skill that she does not possess, and it is uncomfortable to experience. The last 2 weeks have been pure hell. I have been thinking about this constantly and the emotional stress I feel about having to end things again and destroy her again is allot to bear. It has put me in a state of depression and there is no one I can talk to about this. I am 35 and she is 41 and we both want to have kids, she has never wanted kids with anyone until we met. For her this relationship ending might mean she never gets to have children. I might be taking that from her. I know I can’t let that make my decision on weather or not this is the person I should marry, but it weighs on my sole nonetheless, making me physically ill. I must choose if the physical closeness and honesty we have, outweighs the lack of friendship. I don’t think we would be friends if we weren’t dating. I don’t know which is more important in a marriage. Sex only happens every now and then, I would think all the other moments are more important.