Faithxxx

Hi everyone, I've read all replies and I thank you all for your time. I will be staying with this relationship. He is a good man and very matched to me. We all know that that doesn't come along very often. He is not perfect and I don't expect him to be but he's defiantly worth giving a solid chance to. A few things- he did date other women casually after the break-up and before meeting me- a few kisses, few dates- no sex. Once we got together it was clear it was really good. We waited over three months to have sex. We were both nervous and wanted to get to know each other properly. I think that really worked in our favour. Anyway, we will see how it develops. I just wanted to thank everyone for your very helpful replies. I have read everything and considered the advice that I think applies to my relationship. Some advice has been very helpful. I used to come to enotalone many years ago and was very active on here for many years- it's nice to see some of the old reliables' are still on here helping people out (Catfeeder, Batya). Of course, people don't come on here to blindly follow the advice that random strangers give them. We come on to here to hear and consider the perspectives of outside people- some of that advice can be very mixed and that's okay, its my job to take whats helpful and dismiss what I don't feel is correct. Thank you for all your well wishes.

Those are all very good and sobering points. I will consider them carefully. I think I need to be very clear about my own concerns here and I need to observe his actions in response to my concerns. And yes, I need to be careful to keep things at a slow pace.

Thank you so much for your input!

Marriage is not a priority for me. It would be nice but its not a necessity. A good healthy relationship is a priority, There are no mental health issues. Baggage is inevitable at my age. I have it too. If the relationship is worth it, then yes. As long as he is dealing with the baggage appropriately.

Thank you. This is certainly how I feel about it when I let myself relax into it. I know that our love is growing. We are not rushing but what we have is very good. I know that he appreciates me and I appreciate him. In our late forties, I can recognize a GOOD thing when I see it. Nevertheless its difficult because I am so ready and he ...rightly so...is so cautious

In my country we don't have this official term. They lived together for 23 years and have children. In the eyes of the law in my country that gives you the same rights as though you are married. Yes, of course that type of relationship is less than ideal. Interestingly, from what he has told me of his own parents relationship, it sounds about the same- so I can understand why he thought it was normal.

To be honest Batya, their whole relationship is concerning to me. I don't understand staying in something that isn't working for so long. However I see it in so many couples. I can name three close friends that have children with their partners and yet their relationships are just terrible. Yes he used that passive language. In general I would say he has quite a passive personality- never wants to cause confrontation. I encouraged him to dig deeper and question why the marriage never happened. He said he thinks that perhaps deep down they both knew that the relationship just wasn't good enough. Then they had twins and there was some medical complications with them. Life was busy and at that point, they just continued on with the relationship and marriage was never mentioned again. They had good patches but overall the bad was the normal. He admits that he thought very little about it and was happy to just leave things as they were. He said they were both very unhappy but he didn't realize quite how much until now. He had gotten unhealthy and overweight, she was depressed.

Hmmm not sure about this. He certainly does not make me feel like I'm last on his last. He does prioritize me. Obviously his children come first. I could not respect him if that wasn't the case. I'm only in his life 5 months. Its early days for us. Its not everyday you meet someone who is such a good match-that's not something to throw away. However, Yes I wish he was further along in the healing process, yes I wish he felt as READY as I am.

They were engaged but the marriage never happened. a few years in they were having lots of issues and all talk of marriage just stopped but they continued to stay in a relationship. They went through good patches and bad patches but overall he says they just acted like friends who had children. He;s not against marriage. He says he would like to get married in the future. I am in my late 40's. Marriage was not something that I dreamed about but I now that I've met him, I can see it happening.