Emilyl

Hi everyone, Thank you to all who have commented and shared your thoughts. I have been reading the replies and they have helped me process and pinpoint where I needed to ask him further questions to enable me to decide what to do. I am intending on replying to specific people and provide an update soon - work has been busy but I wanted to thank you all in the meantime!

Hi everyone, My boyfriend (26) and I (27) have been together for around 18 months. Yesterday, I was on his phone (he knew I was on it) and I ended up seeing messages from a girl that he’d been messaging earlier in the week; I asked him who this was and why he was messaging her, and he explained it was a girl he’d been on a date with a couple of years ago and slept with, but hasn’t spoken to for a year and a half (so, the entirety of our relationship). The essence of the messages were: he reached out to her to see how she’s doing, she responds, they catch up, some of his texts appear flirty to me, including emojis, and ask her whether she’s still with the guy she was seeing etc. She asks the same of him and he says he’s happily in a relationship and that we basically live together. Obviously, the girl finds this bizarre and then responds to ask why he is messaging her after a year and a half when he has a girlfriend, and that she is only trying to look out for my feelings, so he agrees and stops texting. When my boyfriend and I talked about this, he was crying and said he shouldn't have done it but that he felt lonely and that he doesn't have many friends he can speak to, and just wanted someone different to chat to. He said I'm the best thing in his life, that he will never do anything like that again and begged me not to break up with him. I’m not sure whether I trust him anymore, it’s concerning to me that his first thought when he’s lonely is to reach out to a random girl he once slept with, rather than anyone else he could have reached out to, and this girl was the one that had to point out that it was inappropriate. I asked him if thought about me before he messaged, and he said yes but that he didn’t think I’d find out - which makes me doubt if he respects me. I have explained how it has made me feel (i.e like he is missing something in the relationship/I’m not good enough because he tried to get companionship elsewhere) and he understands and is very apologetic but says that’s not the case at all and that he’s very happy in the relationship, he is adamant he was ‘just seeing how she’s doing’. I am doubtful whether I can continue the relationship, but based on the facts I don’t know whether I am being too harsh, since he didn’t *actually* cheat, albeit his actions are concerning so I’m on fence about seeing how it goes and seeing whether I can trust him again. Bit of background on my boyfriend - he is a sensitive guy and very nice to everyone. He has had mild depression before he met me, but sometimes still has down days just like anyone, and I do think the day he messaged this girl was probably one of his down and lonely days (I know it doesn’t excuse it, but just context). Albeit he didn’t tell me he was down/lonely, and we were messaging at the same time he was messaging this girl. Does anyone have any thoughts? I would be grateful for some advice from unbiased third parties! Thank you!