Hi, Sorry for the long post that’s about to happen but I’m quite desperate for some advice. I’m really sorry if this is the wrong forum section too, I’m new here!
My partner and I have been together 5 years, we’re engaged but he lives at his mothers and I live alone. We’re both 23.
His mother and I have always been civil for the most part, but I have always gotten the impression she doesn’t like me simply from the way she talks down to me and talks about my family to my face etc. she has never really had any respect for me and has always sort of acted as though I’m taking her son away from her. We’ve been fine lately up until today.
today, I snapped after years of biting my tongue to her nasty remarks, but stupidly this argument has probably cost me my entire relationship and was over something incredibly petty. I’d love to know outsider point of views just so I can understand this better and if there’s things that I can work on etc.
So I bought some Spanish cleaning supplies they’re super strong and hard to get in the UK, I’m a clean freak so I was excited and got some during my visit so I can use back at my own flat. His mother walks in and sees them, asks what they are and I explain what they are and what they do etc. they’re just strong floor cleaners from what I’ve heard. She then starts going on about how they’re “probably not environmentally friendly then” and I just say “I suppose, but they do the job and they smell nice for the price” not thinking much of it, she then proceeds to continue lecturing me about the eco friendliness of my new floor cleaners and I crack a joke saying “well the worlds ending anyway so it’s all G” which i use humour like this all the time, so does my partner, we joke like this a lot. She then raises her voice at me and says “DO NOT SAY THAT WE DONT SAY STUFF LIKE THAT”. I take a step back bc I’m shocked she’s yelling at me like a child, it was completely out of no where aside from the lecturers which she always does but then I snap because SHES YELLING AT ME LIKE A NAUGHTY CHILD. OVER A SILLY JOKE. So I raise my voice back and say it’s not that deep, and that I can’t be arsed for that and not to speak to me that way. She then tells me “that’s triggering. You’re triggering me”. At that point I just tell her to leave me be because I don’t want to make things worse. I was running on pure adrenaline because for 5 years I’ve sat silent and allowed her to treat me like as if I don’t understand the remarks she makes, like the comments about my body, comments about my MOTHER, and just the overall awkward unwelcoming feeling she knowingly gives me, which she was aware of this because she brought it up to my partner and said “I’m making more effort with em bc ive realised the way your fathers parents treated me isn’t normal” . So she was aware she was treating me bad and this actually made me feel better bc I thought the remarks would stop.
This was a build up, and to be honest I felt extremely proud and like a weight off my shoulders for finally speaking back because I wish I could go into detail about all the things she’s said that were so ***ing uncalled for but I would be here all day. 5 years worth of this.
My partner didn’t stand up for me, which I expected and to some degree understand as it is his mother, I’ve seen how she is during things like this and somehow she always ends up the victim and everyone else is labelled either autistic or a narcissist if they disagree with her (I literally dk where she comes to that conclusion) but straight afterwards not even 10 minutes later they ate food together while I was crying upstairs and he came upstairs and said that he understands my point but I didn’t need to “raise my voice the way she did” . Aka he expected me to just sit there and let her yell at me like I have done for years. He also then started saying that for a while he’s been wondering if we can work because it annoys him when I rant, like if I rant about losing my phone or messy room bc I can overreact sometimes. I admit, I can overreact and be a bit emotional. But not once have I ever yelled or spoke to him badly. I would never ever do that. He also knows that I struggle with my hormones, so during certain points of the month I can be overly reactive. There’s nothing other than talking about it that I can do about this. so he suggested he doesn’t come back to mine with me like we planned before it all kicked off, he was staying behind to think about things aka us. It honestly confused me because we were fine and joking around all the way up until the situation with his mother.
Partner and I are now possibly going our separate ways, there’s a lot more I can say about how she’s always tried to get us apart but It doesn’t change how things are now. we’re gonna have a chat on the phone tomorrow to see where his head is at bc obviously I don’t want to end anything, I love him and willing to work through whatever issue with his mother to make it work. She on the other hand refused to talk to me afterwards when I asked about talking it out.
The thing is, we’ve had an incredible relationship and he’s my best friend. To be engaged to him was the most amazing thing ever. We’ve gone through lockdowns apart but stayed together, through him moving away for uni, through personal struggles, everything. But a joke about the world ending and some Spanish cleaners is what is probably gonna break us.
Part of me feels bad for not shutting up in the first place because it would’ve saved us this drama but another part of me understands that this would’ve continued if we stayed together and if I stayed quiet all the time. I love him, but everyone’s I’ve spoken to has told me that he shouldn’t have allowed her to disrespect me in the first place so that it would never have come to this but I don’t know if they’re just saying that because they know me. If that makes sense lol.
Anyways thank you for reading and any advice will be so helpful, as you can imagine I’m heartbroken and confused and all over the place second guessing my entire life right now. 5 years is a long long time to throw away after all we’ve grown up together really.
Thank you all xx
