Micaela

You're right. He didn't plan anything with me. And the sad part is we didn't have a fight or disagreement. I just didn't respond further to his last comment. I wasn't angry in the message just more confused. He hadn't reached out at all that day and when I did I felt like I was bothering him. Just to cut it off like that, like it meant nothing. So if I wasn't initiating he's fine with it. He always would at some point in the day..but something changed during the weekend. I'm tired of thinking about this. Just feel guilty like it's my fault we aren't talking..and now this post makes me feel like I gave up on him.

To answer this...I don't know. Just having a connection with someone who genuinely seemed interested and seemed to get me. I know reaching out is wrong and I'll get all wrapped up again when I'm trying to detox from him so to speak. But I do care about him and his well being.

He posted on his Facebook page a quote that says "never plan a future with someone who doesn't have any plans on you" He could reach out to me if he wanted to couldn't he? I shouldn't read anything into this right? Today would be 3 days no contact. I want to reach out.

I feel blindsided, like I don't know how, whatever this was, is suddenly over? Did I manifest this because I always had that nagging feeling that this wasn't good but ignored it? And I ask myself if he reached out what would I do? What do I hope to gain? I don't think I could just fall back into the old pattern of getting that initial feeling of happiness followed by the anxiety of well how do I get him to do x,y and z, be it a call or a text or push the video call again. To what end was I pushing for? We shared things but, that doesn't equal a relationship. It doesn't make anything. I always knew, this was a dead end. It was that little 1% of hope that it could be something. We just talked Saturday night....what the hell happened? SMH. We talked all the time, for hours...how could he just turn it off so easily? I'm sitting here hurt and sad...he doesn't miss me or care at all? I know I have all my answers but they are hard to accept. I honestly don't think he's any kind of scammer, I think he does have issues he could work on with therapy. Do I think he's a bad person? I don't know anymore. I never ever would have thought so but now I'm muddled than ever. No one of us has to be wrong, or bad, just not right for each other? Right? I want to make him a villain to make this easier for me but that's not fair. I also don't want to paint him as a martyr. Not sure what was real anymore. Like I said, I'm muddled, and spiraling and just getting my thoughts out helps so much to work through this.

He’s 40 and I’m 42. He stated he wanted a LTR as do I. He would allude to things and I guess now I don’t know what was sincere and what was b.s. That he wanted a traditional marriage and saw himself with kids and going to church with everyone. And then he would tell me he can’t put roots down and he goes stir crazy if he’s in one place too long. I guess he’s confused and truly is at a crossroad in his life. I interpreted this as I could help us confuse him and he would want to choose me and and we’d figure out where to put roots down. But when even as a friends, he wouldn’t video chat, it upset me. Again, being noble by not getting in deeper with me and sparing my feelings and maybe his own feelings, or hiding something. Too many conflicting things. I am smart enough to know better but got lost on this one. Don’t like myself for letting this happen but like you all said, lesson learned. Thanks again for all the support. This forum has been life saving.

I guess I was charmed by him, the attention and flattery. And he was so different from other guys on the apps, he made conversation and genuinely seemed interested in me and getting to know me. And then of course the impossible situation with the distance makes it all the more enticing at times doesn’t it? Like we had this little private world and we had each other’s backs and we weren’t as lost in the world. We were each other’s anchor. I knew when all this started this is how it was going to end, as I was doing it and engaging, I knew it would end in heartbreak for me. I told myself I could handle it and talk to him and other guys but I couldn’t. I was at a war with myself because I knew everything I was doing wasn’t right and this situation would never play out the way I hoped, but I was stupid. Riddled with anxiety and worry, I should have ended it months ago. I wasn’t strong enough. I haven’t blocked him, there doesn’t seem a need to be. Looking back and feeling that he’s making fun of me or laughing at me for being genuine with him and honestly wanting to be with him, is enough to keep me from reaching out. Maybe in his disappearance he thinks he’s being noble by making me hate him and sparing my feelings, or maybe he truly is disgusted by me because I was accepting whatever breadcrumbs/attention he gave and saw I didn’t value myself more than him. I don’t know which hurts more to be honest. I just have to accept it and put it past me.

You are so right…he doesn’t care. Was getting what he wanted and now has had enough. Definitely went cold turkey. Not a peep out of him today. And yes if someone told me this story I’d say they are crazy and wasting their time. I would say at the end of the day, what do you have? A whole lot of nothing.

OMG, this. This hit me hard. WOW, how could I have been so stupid? So blind? I feel like such a fool. Why would he do this? Reel me in, even to say he was going to sweet talk me into giving him my phone number, which I did of course, stupid me. Only to use all of those traits against me and think me stupid for interacting with him, while he reaped the benefits. I literally feel sick inside. I guess none of this was real. Showed me only what he wanted to see or could fudge. I just ate it all up didn’t I? I knew things were off but I didn’t listen to my gut, didn’t want to. God I feel so stupid.

I guess I wanted this to go somewhere and become something. And if I held on long enough and showed how great I am and how supportive and caring..he would see it and we'd figure it out. Little by little. If I let enough things go and overlook things, it would work out. When he told me what man wouldn't want to build a brick castle for a woman like me..I believed it would be him. Just felt so bonded, what a farce. Today so far is the first day we haven't talked or texted in 3 months. Thank you for all your insight and support and tough love. I can't say it enough and I'm taking it all to heart. I'm sure I'll continue to need the support and guidance in the coming days. Please have patience with me.

You are all right and the head knows it but the emotional side of me can’t catch up. At the end of the day I keep saying to myself, even if we lived in the same state, he wouldn’t be there most of the time. He’s a nomad by choice and doesn’t seem inclined to change that. He has grand fantasy plans. You know he asked me on Sunday if i would want to take a week off and fly down to where he is and spend the week with him. I’ve made my feelings for him clear previously so I think he knows where I stand and what I’m looking for. But I said absolutely, what would we do? And all he answered was trouble, all kinds of exploring. The answer left me feeling flat. I know I can’t control how or what or when he responds but recently it just feels like he’s deliberately pushing me away. He also told me he looked up the happiest city to live in and it was Maryland City. He had changed his profile to travel mode and was showing it as Maryland City. So he’s looking to see what kind of woman are in the city? At least that’s how I took that. I have to be strong and not text him or reach out to him. I have to let this start fading. If he hasn’t already. Maybe he is doing me a favor. If everyone could remind of me that I’d appreciate it. I’m feeling very weak right now. This is the first step that i have to take.

I don't want to have any regrets or say I didn't try with him. Or there was anything else I could do. Looking back at everything I wrote, I know he definitely doesn't have his life together and the writing is on the wall. But that doesn't make him a bad person, just bad for me...right? How could this have been so one-sided?

Thank you all for your comments. I know this is definitely not healthy, all this ruminating and trying to decode everything. I can't understand why he would keep reaching out if he's really not interested in anything. I would think its too much work to keep this up if you have no intentions of anything going anywhere. Why play the games? Hurts me to think he's not what I thought he was. And best of all, he probably has no idea of the turmoil I am in. And he may not even contact me today which will make me spiral worse. I should be thankful that he stops contacting me but I guess I am going to be hurt no matter the outcome. Just don't understand what changed overnight. Maybe nothing has an I'm just in my head. I don't trust my gut or my instincts anymore which is also part of the problem. Just felt like we had were closer than I guess we really are. I'm very disappointed.

Thank you for your response. I just question if I'm making too much out of this last interaction or analyzing him updating his profile too much. I overthink and overanalyze and I don't want to ruin this but when I look back at everything I wrote I guess deep down I know this will never amount to anything. What exactly is it that I'm ruining? We aren't going on dates, we aren't even video chatting. Even as a friend or business partner why wouldn't you want to video chat me? So why do I keep wanting to reach out and hope that I hear from him? Given everything, the circumstances, his behavior, the statements he has made. Why am I so drawn to him that I'm so scared of "losing" him? Even now, I want to text him and reassure myself that nothing has changed. But if this situation isn't serving me why am I doing it? Even if I moved to his state, he wouldn't be there 3 weeks out of the month. If he wasn't happy with his current job and situation wouldn't he be doing something about it? There's too many things that aren't adding up and am I looking for things and making trouble or is this really crazy? I want to ask him all these things but feel like I don't have the right, if that makes sense.

I matched with a guy on a dating app. He was in my area only for work. I live in NY, he lives in WI. He wanted to meet up with he was in my town but I figured it was a dead end so said as much as I'd like to, I don't think it's a good idea. He was disappointed but we ended up staying in touch. It's been 3 months now that we have been talking and texting. He travels for work 3 weeks out of the month, gets home on the weekends and has one week home a month. He doesn't have a place of his own, stays with his mom when he is home. Otherwise he lives out of a suitcase and a hotel room and airports. We have never had a video call. I asked if he was interested in having one and he said sure but never pursued it. I asked again another time while we were on the phone, saying we need to do that video chat so I can show you things instead of taking pictures (of my dogs, or something in the house or my garden etc). He said something to the effect of how messy his life is and he doesn't want to bring anyone into the mess. He has told me he considers me a friend and he has been at a crossroads in his life for so long and doesn't see a way out. He's stuck for whatever reason. Claims to be unhappy with his job but has been doing this job for 20 years. I always enjoy our talks and they are flirty at times, we send each other selfies and he tells me how perfect I am and beautiful and god gave us distance so he wouldn't self sabotage this relationship, because having someone to talk to is so important to him and it's so healthy for him to have human contact. He says he's very reserved and doesn't open up much to people. Every so often I feel him getting distant or aloof but I also don't trust my own instincts anymore as I run anxious attached. I am getting more and more attached to him and trying to reign it in. Recently I feel like things have been strange. I feel like he is more distant and our conversations seems strange. I ask him what he is up to on Sunday around 5:00 PM because I hadn't heard from him all day and he tells me he's bored, moping around his hotel room. And yet he didn't want to reach out to me or call me. He'd rather do nothing in the hotel room than talk to me? And I see he is updating his profile, he added a picture of a dog but he doesn't have a dog (supposedly). But why put some random dog on your profile? Why tell me you don't want to bring anyone into your life but yet, you keep updating your profile? why even have a dating profile? I guess I'm starting to look back on things and wonder how much I really know about him. Last night he sent me a text that I felt was inappropriate...said something about Subway having footlong pretzels that look like d*ildos and how we need to gobble them up. I was taken aback and just said "fascinating" and wished him a good night. He sent me a frown face and said oh early night, ok well sleep well. I said well after talks of eating d*ldos there isn't much to say. He then sent me a "d'oh" gif and said something that just maybe that wasn't a great focus point and why did Subway do that? I didn't answer because I just honestly have no idea where he's coming from. And now today I don't know how to act. I feel like we would be so perfect together but on one hand he tells me he'll never move from WI, then tells me in the next breath that he applied for a job based in Ohio, and is looking at jobs in PA. So you would move for a job but not me? I don't know how to take any of this. I feel bad saying this isn't working for me but is it just my anxiety and anxious mind or is he leading a double life? I feel like a fool. I'm getting so wrapped up in him and I have no idea where his head is at. I can't really ask him because we aren't dating, we aren't anything, except online friends I guess. I guess I projected my hopes on him and that's my fault. But he also leads me on and makes me think he'll make changes for me. He keeps saying we should be business partners and business partners are closer than lovers because money is involved. I don't know how to act today, if he texts me or not. I always want to reach out but I stop myself and say what am I doing? I secretly want to hear from him but why? I know deep down this isn't good but can't help myself. I know if he doesn't reach out to me I'm going to be crushed and feel like I've done something wrong. I'm not enough for him to want anything further with? is he really being chivalrous and trying to make me dislike him so I will be turned off by him? He has told me he self sabotaged the last relationship he was in and made the girl hate him so she wouldn't feel bad. I wish I could hate him. I don't know why I've placed him on this pedestal. I feel like I have shared so much with him and been honest and authentic and vulnerable. And I don't know if he's been feeding me lines all along. I'm sorry this is so long winded but I needed to get it out and I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm so confused and lost and don't know what to think anymore. I'm so tired of thinking about this. No relationship or friendship should be this hard. Am I making too much of things?