melly

Hey! I made a post just a few days ago talking about how my boyfriend has distanced himself from me. Since then we have talked about it on the phone for a long time. It started with him telling me that he feels like I don‘t understand that sometimes things get hard in relationships, over to him telling me i am insecure and then to him telling me about his depression. He said he feels numb, frustrated and like everything is hard for him. Nothing is fun, except for when we meet and do something fun and even that is exhausting to him. I told him that i am not willing to see him because it makes me feel awful. I try to connect and i can‘t because he is doing terrible mentally and is closed off. We decided to just break up because he said that he won’t go to therapy and that there is nothing i can do. I am so lost and alone now, even though i felt just like this while being in that relationship the past couple of months. I started reading, watching motivating youtube videos and my goal right now is connecting to myself again but i don‘t know how. I‘ve been very depressed and anxious for the past couple of moths and neglected my plants and they are all dead now, i have to throw them away. I just feel so defeated and i don‘t know where to start. Does someone maybe have advice on how to deal with this? I have never been in this position, i only have myself and never had any close friends.

We were able to do both (on the phone and physically) for 2 years, i don‘t understand what could have suddenly changed especially because he is more distant in real life too. I act the same way when we meet. I don‘t think there is a way to meet more often and talk less because we already barely talk. On that 1 hour call, that isn‘t even 1 hour anymore, we sit in silence because i can‘t get a word out of him. My "what are you doing today“, gets a "nothing“ and then i have to search for something to ask him AGAIN because at this point we probably haven‘t spoken in days. It‘s really not a lot of talking and interacting over the phone. I know that many men don‘t know what women are thinking but men are not children. They‘re grown, they can think. My boyfriend is a very smart person. He knows what he is doing. He does not need me to tell him that yelling at me is upsetting me or that walking off in a city i am not familiar with, at night, without looking back even once, will upset me. He genuinely isn‘t dumb, he just wants me to say it but i don‘t know why.

I have a hard time pulling back because i do love loving him a lot. I wouldn‘t really know where else to put the energy i put in this relationship, also because i have a very avoidant attachment style (unfortunately) and I put in so much hard work to show more of what i show and it feels like if i pull back, all my work will go to right to the trash. I could be very wrong here because it‘s probably a lot more liberating to just give him the same treatment he gives me.

It‘s hard for me because i don‘t even think me feeling used is his fault because he doesn‘t necessarily do anything to disrespect me. I have a hard time letting go because i had my whole future planned with him but i agree with you. He makes me feel paranoid and over the top but i think my feelings matter and i don‘t want to feel like this anymore

Yes that‘s what we were doing for like 2 years and, you said earlier that routines change and i totally agree. There is nothing wrong with that, however i feel like i deserve to know? because my schedule is a little more flexible than his, so i always made sure to match my times to his times. It‘s still a habit so i will still make sure to be available at 11-2pm because that‘s what i have been doing for a year now. I will make sure that, even on his off days, that i do most of my work before 11 so that when he wakes up, i am not extremely busy. I never thought that was doing too much or overwhelming him because it never overwhelmed him before.

I don‘t think it‘s the therapists fault, i just struggle a lot with being vulnerable. I like her a lot and finding a new one would take a while unfortunately:(

I mean he did say that he doesn‘t really understand why i feel that way and that he doesn‘t know what could have changed. Im having a hard time detaching from him because i wanted this to work but yes i don‘t know

Depends on where we are. When we are outside, things r usually fine but when we are at home, i usually just feel used now. The last few times we met up at home, i was hoping that maybe it‘s easier for him in person to connect to me but the energy is just off and i feel disrespected and used sexually. I told him the last time we spoke about this that i am not willing to do anything rn because it makes me feel disgusted by myself after because it almost feels like a hookup

Yes usually during the phone calls we would watch something or we would both just do our own thing and talk a little in between. Him playing his games and me just studying or something. I have a hard time opening up so i haven‘t really spoken much about my relationship to my therapist yet, im slowly getting there.

I am very introverted, so i don‘t really even bother him that much. I usually do my own thing, i just want to connect for a little bit every day. He has never complained about that or said anything about it. We both r kinda in the same boat when it comes to mental health issues so it was always kinda normal for us. Except that i go to therapy now

I kinda feel like, even though this is my first relationship, this is not what like the time after the "honey moon phase“ should look like. It all just feels very wrong to me but i don‘t know

we planned on getting engaged when i am done with Uni, which is in 1 1/2 years. Then get married and move in together. I don‘t have any friends (due to mental health issues but im working on that), i have met his friends and his family. He has met my mom too. He has quite a bit of free time. On his three work days he will wake up at 11, leave the house at 2, go to the gym and then to work till 2am. Then he has 7 days off.

But he knows. He doesn‘t have to read my mind. He knows exactly how I feel about certain things. I communicated that to him already. He will do it again and we have to have the exact same conversation again with him acting like it‘s the first time we are talking about that topic. A good example would be when we went to watch a movie together, this was before he started changing. He‘s BEEN doing this. We watched the movie and because it was 10pm, in winter, it was dark and we walked to the train station together. I don‘t know what happened but he was in a mood and he just walked very far in front of me. Again, it‘s 10pm, i don‘t know this city. He would walk so far in front of me, that i could barely see him, the whole 20 minute walk. I think it‘s common sense that u don‘t let ur partner, especially not your female partner, walk far behind you in YOUR city at 10pm. Later he kept pressing me about why am i being so distant and when i told him he acted like he didn‘t even know that that‘s a problem for me. He has been doing this. He is just doing it more often now and it‘s incredibly irritating when u have to repeat yourself so many times.

I understand what you‘re saying and i also understand how important communication is but the problem is that i KNOW he knows. He will do something, he knows upsets me and then he will act completely oblivious to get me to say what exactly hurt my feelings when i have repeated myself so many times by now. He will yell or ignore me for a few days and then he asks me what‘s wrong, as if we didn‘t have the same thing happening like 2 weeks ago. I asked him why he doesn‘t talk to me anymore and that i feel like he doesn‘t want to talk to me anymore. We will be on that 1 hour call and it will just be asking him a few questions and he will respond and that‘s about it. I did tell him a few weeks ago already that i feel very disconnected due to how drastically he changed. I don‘t think anything has changed in his life recently.

I was thinking that too but he has been working this job for over a year and has half the hours he had back then. even on his free week he barely makes time for me anymore. I am really just doing what was routine for us for almost 2 years and i thought i was finally done acting like i don‘t care or acting like i want to talk even less than we do now so i am practically incapable of being in even less contact with him because this is already super bad. We will maybe text 2-3 times a day for a few days straight, even when he is not at work.