My heart is broken. My friend and I recently had a heated conversation. I shared with him my desire to help others learn about their finances and make better financial decisions, emphasizing that I do not seek any financial gain from the services offered through the financial literacy. I prefer to do this as a volunteer, believing that the impact on their lives is more important than any money involved.
He accused me of hypocrisy, asking why I wouldn’t work for free at my Taco Bell job if I felt that way. He then suggested that I focus on the finance campaign to support my vocation, while questioning why I didn't just attend community college if I was only concerned about having a degree in case I was forced to leave the monastery, God forbid, without a transfer.
He knows I am a vowed virgin dedicated to Jesus, and if I were forced to leave a monastery without a transfer, I would blame myself for choosing a lower-ranked school while searching for work until I find my way back to a monastery or a similar setting. He criticized me for wearing a habit, accusing me of trying to portray myself as a professed religious when I am not. He has always known that I wear thobes for the sake of promoting modesty and to prevent confusion among laypeople, with the blessing of my priest, as it helps me keep my vow of perpetual virginity and orient myself towards God.
Despite knowing that it’s a mortal sin to impersonate a religious or clergy member, he suggested that I was doing just that. When I reminded him, "You know I’m not single, and I have my priests' blessing to wear this," he responded, "But you never received formal consecration from the bishop." I retorted, "Whose fault is that?" He said “Oh, you don’t want to know about that.” He also remarked, "I think the degree is just in case you want to leave the monastery. If something happens with one of the brothers and you don’t like it, you can leave and at least you’ll have a degree."
I found this accusation particularly hurtful because my intention in entering the monastery is to embrace solitude and silence, not to ‘make’ friends, but ‘be’ a true friend and brother by dedicating myself to my real job which is giving myself to God.
He already knew all of this and yet chose to attack me, implying that I’m either lying or unreasonable for not desiring financial interest in people's lives. I’ve never been motivated toward others for money, even though I apparently spend it on things I enjoy. Jesus never lets me worry about money. Regardless of whether he understands this, he has shown me a side of himself that concerns me.
His remarks felt like a personal attack, exploiting things he already knew about me. I am not interested in profiting from others; my focus has always been on being there for others. This encounter revealed a troubling side of my friend, as he seemed to be enraged at my genuine intentions and commitments.
