TimeTold

When yelling, cursing at me, slamming and throwing things were involved, and it happened on more than one occasion, then yes, I told him to pack all and go. Me not wanting to talk to him at that moment because of how thick the air was, I still feel was the best decision. I also simply told him let’s discuss another day when the tones were different. So me not wanted to talk at that moment and explaining why did not warrant that type of behavior towards me.

He had it great yes. His words actually, not mine. But I do agree with him! Please note, it wasn’t about the house…there was/is plenty more than that.

No I told him high level it was this and that and to bring me back in line with my yearly budget. I set a budget on how much I will spend on certain things each year. I would not say I resented him because I still love, appreciated, cared for him wholeheartedly. I just knew certain things need to happen, but again, that was not properly communicated - we were just going with the flow, lack of a better term. He was not unhappy. He had it great. I was not unhappy either for the most part. I really loved him.

I definitely had to hold off on that conversation when he wanted to have it last week. He was riled up about some family stuff (not related to him and I) and it sounded like when he was questioning me about the money he was already not in the best frame of mind and his tone sounded like displaced anger (towards me), so I told him let’s talk about it when there is not so much tension. He wanted control (that was always his thing with me) and wanted me to report to him how the monetary gift was being spent. apologies, I haven’t read all the responses to this post yet, so I missed the comment about the cool girlfriend

Please reread what I wrote. I never said I wanted him to foot the whole 40k. Yes I stand firm it would be considerate for him to volunteer to contribute to that. I also never said the final cost of the landscaping wasn’t feasible for me. I agree with you, I was definitely NOT proactive in some aspects. yeah I was definitely prematurely “playing house”. I take all accountability for that.

What cause the last set of feelings I have and led to me telling him take all his stuff not some was around me not talking and itemizing for him where every penny he wired me was going. He wanted a conversation right there and then, when I knew the time wasnt right for that plus I felt like I didn’t have to tell him where every penny of a monetary gift was going. He basically caught a tantrum, yelled curse called be the b word told me to F off and said I was like the rest of them and I should have asked for a larger amount and go be a who-re like them. (His sisters are not ***), when he gets upset or hurt he says the worst things to hurt you. At this stage I wanted him out of my home. I gave you guys the gist of it. Again, this is the last incident that happened and was weighing heavy on my mind and I needed to get it out. I really love him and I am sorry it came down to this with him. I have never wrote in a forum before and honestly I wasn’t really asking anyone if I should stay or leave - that decision here is ultimately up to me. I wanted input…all feedback was/is sincerely appreciated!

I was allowing him to have a say in what went on in the house (projects, tools needed, how to organize the garage for working out). ike I said, I was foolish - I am the first one to point the finger at all I did wrong in this relationship. You guys are reading black and white - but the actual communication we had about the project you would have sworn he owned it. Again, it got taken care of in the end, but yes, I was disappointed that he did not volunteer to say do this. For instance, we are in the nursery, he picked out all these lovely trees because he had a vision that I was on board with, we get to the register, who ends up paying. I automatically thought he was going to pay. Was I upset, not at all. I never discussed it further - was just excited to get home and see it come to life. again, he did many wonderful things for me throughout the relationship. He is not a bad guy at all. He just was very sheltered and didn’t know how to love in his next relationship (me). He also made it very uncomfortable for me to ask or talk about what I expect from him financially (household responsibilities) because of the way he spoke about everyone else in his life. At one point he actually made me believe he hated women deep down the way he spoke about his loved ones. I don’t know where it got lost in translation but I have been gifted many things throughout my lifetime, by family, friends, and exes - they have been very good to me. I accepted and never once felt any less independent because of it. I mentioned my independence here to illustrate that I didn’t depend on him for anything, I was enjoying our romance and foolishly playing house and not having the necessary conversation(s).

He “unofficially” lived in my home 7 days a week. He still has his apartment because the lease was not up yet. I believe he is expected to get the renewal notice this month, for an October renewal. We will talk when that time comes and he will not renew it. This conversation was going to about our expectations. That was me foolishly saying that. Now it’s striking me, he played right along with that - he had a place to stay should things go left for us, so he really felt like he didn’t need to contribute to the household expenses, but once his lease was up that is when he would have that serious talk. Man was I foolish. I don’t feel like I was being used though, because I allowed it to happen and I enjoyed him being there with my dog and I, plus my dog had company and a new buddy in his dog, so that made me happy as well. When things were good with us, it was great. Things just went sour last week when I started to look at my checks and balances, and asked him for a range of money and he gave me the top end of it, only for us to have an argument a couple of days later because I didn’t jump and talk when he wanted to - like I said there was tension in the air with his family and him, and he was already in edge so when he confronted me about the money he wired/gifted me, I said let’s save that talk until things aren’t so weird. He then blew up, and days later he went in my account and made a few payments to his company for the sum he gave me, illegally (meaning it was not authorized). all dogs do NOT shed. I have a Yorkie and he does not shed at all. The only time he loses fur is when I brush out some matting. He has a golden retriever, and they shed like nothing I’ve seen before.

Totally agree. wait until I tell the other stuff that affected our relationship, that led to most of the dispute. Keep in mind, finances was not an issue in our relation, meaning, we didn’t have constant arguments about it. The level of finance talk is what I outlined in this post. My biggest qualm with him was about his drinking….

“If you are such an independent woman”?! I am very much an independent woman. After university and on my own, I always did everything on my own. I never had to ask anyone for anything! Never had these type of issues with my previous relationship(s). I do not think there is any coming back from this one so there won’t anything to regulate. For future relationships I would set clear boundaries/expectations early on.

Not only his ex wife but all his sisters. Sigh.

(I just figured out how to reply to poster loll) As i mentioned to Andrina, the entire landscaping project was his baby. Even when I changed the plans he came upset. The majority of the project was his idea down to the material they should use. He wanted it a certain way for “our” long term use. I had no problem with that being that I saw a future with us and the landscaping plan was to my liking as well. I just stupidly assumed, especially after the way he was talking, that he would have contributed. I mean the bills are going to get paid regardless, for me it was more about the principle of the matter. yes the whole situation could have been handled completely different. So I blame myself completely for that. I mentioned the cleaning lady to him a couple of times prior to me actually being frustrated a bit and telling him he could have at least suggest to pay them. I put money aside to pay my mortgage through the end of this year. As well as have rainy day savings should I need it. In alll our talks I never really focused on the mortgage with him….i was just more concern that he could have at least offered to contribute to utilities and other stuff around the house and leave it up to me to say nay or yay. But again, I could have handled that communication 100% different. Duly noted for next time. i don’t know I guess I am more considerate than most - while my house was being built, I also stayed with family. They didn’t ask and almost refuse to take I had to forcibly give them a a majority of their monthly expenses on their home. I guess I expected him to think the same. Again, that was stupid of me.

Hi Andria, the landscaping project was really his suggestion/idea. I wanted to wait. He pursued it, met with vendors, picked out the material drawing etc. even got upset when I changed one of the plans. So yes, it’s my house, we were talking about a future together, so I would have expected him to contribute to the cost of that project.

Hi Lotus, I agree. Expectations were not established when we started to “play house”. his ex wife didn’t really take care of him. He took care of the household financially and worked a lot of hours. The relationship was practically over 7 years in. They stayed together for the sake of the kids; until they went off to college. I was the first woman who basically did everything for him and showed him a different way of life, as per him. He said he gave up on love until he met me. Part of me want to make this work, but then at the same time I know we are both stuck in our ways and it will never work. When it comes to women he is so jaded. He brought with him a lot of emotionally trauma.

So I have been in relationship for one year with a divorcee. Was married for 21 years, now divorced. His ex wife was also his first real relationship. I am now his 2nd. We are both 49. when he separated from his ex he got an apartment. I started dating him a couple of months after the completion of my new 4400 sq ft new construction home. we knew each other for a few months prior. I was living in his community while my house was being built. We never dated back then, we would occasionally just walk our dogs together. so I completed my build in March, and him and so started dating in July. We moved really fast in our relationship, but it felt right. A month later he practically starting staying with me full time. He still had his apartment which he would occasionally go by, but it was never to spend the night, just to get fresh clothes etc. moving forward to about six months in. (Note, there were occasional arguments that led to him staying at his apartment for a couple of nights or so).anyway, by the six month he had the majority of his clothes/toiletries at my home. I did his laundry, majority of the cooking and occasionally cleaning outside when the cleaning lady would come. Oh his shedding dog moved in as well, my dog does not shed or smell - very well kept. we went out often to nice dinners and such. He always took care of it. We had two date nights per week. He also paid for groceries when we went together. I would pay if I was alone grocery shopping. We shopped at Costco, at least every three weeks. now in the time he lived with me, I never asked him to contribute to the household bills (mortgage, utilities, etc). I took in a large landscaping project in which he had the most suggestions. Spent close to 40k on this project overtime. He never contributed or offered to assist, needless ti say i didnt ask him too. I’m kind of weird like that, I would think the person would have the decency to offer up in the least. now, fast forward closer to a year. During a dispute I mentioned to him that he could at least offer to pay the cleaning lady since most of the mess comes from him and his dog. Cleaning lady came a week or so later, he didn’t offer not did I ask. i am a very independent woman with what was once a very long standing successful career. Which leads me to mention, I was laid off (not upset about it), I was offered an excellent and more than fair separation agreement package. I decided to use this “sabbatical” to focus on starting my own business, which I have not launched yet. last week, i asked him for a large sum of money to help me out with expenses and some of the past projects. He gave it to me. He owns his own successful business. A couple of days went by and he wanted to discuss why i needed the money and mentioned my separation package. I was not ready to go into detail because there was tension in the air (unrelated to this). He got very upset that I was not in the mood to talk at the very moment and flew off the handled at me. He started to pack some of his clothes and said he is going to his place for a couple of days, I said no, take all your stuff and don’t come back. He sent me some really nasty text. When he is hurt or angry he lashes out with very rude words. I then explained in text what I thought about him not contributing or even volunteering. I checked my account and he started to submit payment to his business in the sum of what he gave me, basically taking back the money that he supposedly gave to me in good faith and gesture, basically these transactions were unauthorized so the bank is working with me to get it back. What is crazy, u was going to send him the money back, even though it was a gift to me. But now it’s the principle of the matter for me. can you all help to shed some light on all of this - was I wrong, was he wrong? Just anything. I am venting at this stage but looking for a sounding board as well. Also note, his mother, sisters, and ex wife he felt took advantage of him throughout the years and really bad to their husbands. He always said I was different and very independent. Take note as well, in the entire we have been together, I never once asked him for anything.