Gatguy

I feel I answered most of this is my other reply but I just want to make clear we make a lot of time for each other and spend a lot of quality time together both as a family and life partners. We go on dates all the time and adore spending time together. This reply kinda helped in that retrospect, ultimately I feel like that's the issue, from most relationship perspectives we are perfect and yet I feel so insecure....

This is an interesting answer. It feels very cut and dry. Reality is it's much more complicated then that. We don't really argue as such and o feel like we communicate really well. It's more her acting on what we have communicated. For instance the thing around the hot dad stuff. She knew right away that it was not appropriate and that it would make me feel *** especially given out conversation that morning. I don't hate her for saying it, it just hurt and made me second guess some things. I actually think we are on the same "wavelength" in almost every way. But I do agree I need to be more attentive to her love language and better understand when she is being affectionate. It's surprising that we have gotten this far in our relationship without me needing the extra attention but here we are.

This was a very helpful reply and I feel brought me back into reality a bit. I obviously adore her, I think the distance thing seems more like a defence mechanism and that's not helpful. Thanks for bringing this to my attention

Hey everyone, just thought I'd speak to a bunch of the comments in here. First off thanks to everyone that commented so far most seem well mannered and friendly and I appreciate it. First off one of the reply's spoke about my wife and me going our seperate ways. This is absolutely not a solution, we both still communicate very well and love one another. Secondly agree with all of you that my self worth can't be wrapped up in my achievements it's bigger then that. I will work through that with my councillor today and see if he can give me some strategies to move forward. Thirdly some of you mentioned not constantly speaking to her about how I'm feeling. I'm actually interested in this. I come from a very communicative family that talk things out all the time. We are a close nit group and love each other. Her family not so much. has anyone got experience with not communicating so much and keeping things to themselves. I legitimately don't think I have the ability to be upset and not show it in my face and the way I act. I'm sure this is a childish problem to have but i am just not sure how if something really hurts me how do I not speak to my partner about it? In saying that I agree that emotionally dumping on her is definitely not working so I would appreciate some strategies. Lastly I just want to make something clear. I am committed to her and making this work. I agree couples counseling is probably the right move. I'm scared that I am a fairly complex person with a bit of a history ( brother took his life in 2019 and this is definitely wrapped up in that) and I feel I should work on myself more before taking that plunge. Dose anyone have experience with couples counseling and if so what would your suggestion be and how did you make the decision that it was the correct next step.

Thanks mate, I don't think it went any further. He was actually dressed so from that level it was pretty PG lol just about 2 minutes if grinding and rubbing.

I agree I am definitely self aware to the other guys point I actually have a session with a counsellor today. As far as my self confidence before pretty good, I'd say I always felt like I was a a catch. I look back now and see I probably wasn't. That's kinda what bothers me to. I am in a much much much better place in my life now. I constantly get compliments, I am an executive at work and am valued around the office I feel like I should be on-top of the word. It's like I am getting this admiration from everyone but her. I feel like the other major thing that has changed in the past few years that I could point to is we have had our daughter. In that time my wife has become more "womanly" if that makes sense. She is much more confident, less out spoken, more flirty with men in general. Maybe I'm just worried I'm loosing "control" (lack of a better term I always felt we have had a very equal relationship) but her respect maybe towards me has shifted and as her confidence has grown she is less concerned about my feelings and that she is lucky to have me?

Hi everyone, Let me say this is a long onr but please if you have time bare with me as I could really use the advice. Me (31m) and my wife (30f) have been together since we were 14. In all that time we have never really had any issues and have been a great couple together. That was untill last year. In November last year she had a hens night for a friend getting married and a video of her on stage with a male striper emerged. It was not something she was trying to hide (she sent me the vid) but ever since my trust and self worth have been shattered. That brings me to why I need help, I really don't want to be a toxic POS but I am finding myself getting more jealous, feeling more insecure and overall less happy in my relationship. I have never had massive self esteem issues but since this happened i have started running marathon's (was really unfit before the striper situation) Doubled my income and doubled down on being a good provider and father and I still feel insecure! I feel like she doesn't understand why I am so hurt and when I bring it up I try and tell her I know it's an issue with me and I am working on it but she gets really defensive and shuts down. When she dose seem to listen it means nothing also. For example yesterday I mentioned that I was feeling uncomfortable with a work colleague that she swears black and blue that she never even talks to (I don't really care if there friends at work) that keeps messaging her on Instagram. I said I know it's my issue I'm not asking you to not be his friend but I just wanted you to know I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable. I had a bit of a cry from how frustrating this all is (that I am still feeling this way) and we moved on. Later that same day we are out with people and she is going on about all the "Hot" dads she works with (she is a teacher) and that there was this really hot one but he was crazy. This obviously upset me, important to note it was my grandmother's funeral so I'm already fairly emotional. We got home after and I just said that comment hurt me, that I thought it was kinda gross and why she would think it's ok to say something like that a few hours after I told her how low I was feeling. I got a mumbled sorry and an hour later she asked what was wrong and I said I was still upset by the situation witch seemed to make her mad. I just feel like 1. How do I get my self confidence back. 2. How do I make her more sensitive to how I'm feeling. 3. How do i distance myself from her a bit. I can clearly see I am putting her on a peddlestool and that's unhealthy. Ultimately I can see this is a huge issue and I love her all the world and more and I'm just at Wits end.