takefiveely

Just a quick update. Took the time this evening to put together a well thought out letter and invited him to talk about it. I suspect he’ll be a little taken aback, but this will give him a little time to think before he responds. I did mention that his response either way will have a big impact for going forward. If it’s not what he wants, we need to cut ties. If it is, we need to talk to determine how to move forward. I have to work a long shift tomorrow so it might be sometime this weekend or early next week before we can really discuss anything. What will be, will be. Appreciate all the thoughts and advice.

@rainbowsandroses Just saw your second post with the rhetorical question and I get what you’re saying and understand better what you mean now. I also appreciate that your responses and questions come from a place of kindness. I’m a real person with real feelings! Love what you said about being still in the peacefulness and stability no matter how uncomfortable and this sounds like a worthy topic to bring up in my therapy sessions as well. Haven’t even had a chance to discuss all this with my therapist yet but it’s on the agenda. I appreciate you 💚 and wish you luck on your healing journey as well. 😊

@rainbowsandroses Good question/valid question. Over the past 30 years, 95% of our relationship has been in person! He currently lives about 45 minutes away, not close but not far either - it’s doable. Since we’ve reconnected, it’s been largely over the phone. I told him I’m not sure if I’m ready to see him - largely because I know a surge of emotions will resurface if/when we do. He is being patient with me. I want to make sure we’re on the right page before we make plans to see one another again because I don’t want those emotions to interfere or cloud my rational brain. I appreciate your kind words, very much. It’s a complicated situation for sure, but it does have some redeeming qualities. He’s also a guy my family likes and everyone (not just family) always asks why it didn’t work out. Not that it matters, but another interesting dynamic is that it’s an interracial relationship (he’s Asian American, born in Japan, raised in the US — and I’m white) which is not a dynamic that is seen very often (usually white male, Asian female). Everyone really likes him, he’s a very personable, generous, intelligent and kind person. Good night to you too! 🙂

@rainbowsandroses I’ve never seen Goodfellas (movies aren’t my thing), but I do understand the point you’re trying to make. My entire life has been unstable and there has been nothing I’ve craved more than stability. I generally avoid drama because my childhood was filled with it. When he and I have had passionate fights that’s partly why I push him away and we’ve gone through periods of time without seeing each other. I don’t like the drama and I hate the conflict. We recently realized we have different needs when we fight. He needs to resolve it “now” and I need space to think about it before engaging. We both made each other angrier because we were unable to understand each other’s needs. We’ve recently talked about how we can better accommodate one another when conflict arises so neither of us feels ignored or misunderstood. I think this is a huge win! My hope is that we’ll do better now. In fact, he was giving me financial advice last week. I was deeply listening to what he had to say, so at one point, he said, “You’re being very quiet, I feel like I may have pushed you too hard.” I smiled and responded, “not at all, just really taking in what you’ve said and processing it.” He was checking in with me to make sure we weren’t heading in a bad direction. That did my heart a lot of good and I think it had the same effect on him too. It feels like progress! Other areas still need some work, but it feels like things are trending in a positive direction. I chose to get back in touch with him recently because it felt stupid and immature to avoid each other until we’re 80. He told me his heart dropped when he saw my email and that he was so glad to hear from me. He also told me he was intentionally giving me space which was the only reason he didn’t reach out to me first. It was quickly obvious we both really missed each other. I understand what you’re saying about being sure it’s what I want and the possible changes that might occur. You’re absolutely right about that. It’s funny, I’ve often told him we’d kill one another if we were married. He always responds, “that’s not how I picture it at all” and he then goes into how he perceives it (which is a much more normal type of relationship). I find solace in his perception and am starting to think he may have been right all along. However, I don’t take your words of wisdom lightly. It’s definitely worthy of well thought out consideration. Thank you for that. 😊

@Batya33 It is work for me to openly communicate with anyone, but I’m making great strides and my therapist seems to believe I should not avoid relationships just because I’m in therapy. I’ve also made great strides in being vulnerable to him as of recently by sharing my feelings both past and present. I’m not avoiding it, but it does take effort for me to do so as I’m learning and progressing in my therapy. I struggle to communicate with my own family, but I do. I can’t just shut down and not have any relationships because I’m in therapy - that’s the opposite of what my therapist is encouraging me to do. I’m confused why you feel I’m not being vulnerable because I feel like I’m really trying. Feeling safe is the opposite of feeling vulnerable. I feel unsafe each time I talk with him about my feelings, but I am talking with him about my feelings, regardless. So isn’t that being vulnerable? Yes, I admit I’ve struggled to do that in the past. He too admitted he should have told me he loved me, but he was scared. Though not perfect, I think we’re currently at in the best place we’ve ever been in. We’re also older and more mature. Is this so terrible? Am I missing something here? If two people care about each other, is it not worth seeing if it will work?

@Batya33 I hear you. No, my daughter did not choose fear, and I’m not using this as an excuse, but my daughter doesn’t struggle with PTSD like I do either. I am in counseling for it, both individual and group therapy to work to overcome all these fears. I am trying, but it’s a process, and it’s difficult. This guy only just learned about the PTSD because it was diagnosed subsequent to when we were last spending time together. It has shined a light on some of our difficulties and we are both feeling like we understand some of the dynamics of our relationship better now. It’s a good place to be in and I think we are both feeling better about what our “relationship” has been now. Facing my fears needs to be done, but done carefully as having panic attacks sets me back. Posting here in this forum has helped me to sort through some of this and helped me to see that another heart-to-heart conversation with him is needed. I can now work towards making that happen.

@rainbowsandroses There is some truth to what you’ve said. My childhood trauma (lots of fears) only recently came to light about 5 years ago when I started experiencing panic attacks (mostly when hearing people yell or argue and whether or not it involves me). I did tell him back in 2017 that I’ve spent my life being afraid to tell him how I feel - and I also told him at that time that I loved him. I told him that with no expectation of hearing it back. In fact, in a way, I didn’t want him to say it back - because I didn’t want to feel he was only saying it because I did. Regarding being vulnerable with other men, the best I can explain is this. It was more difficult for me to be vulnerable with him than anyone else, by far. Likely because the feelings ran much deeper for a much longer length of time for him. I do need to talk with him again though and tell him what I want. He may now know how I’ve felt, but I can see he may not fully know what I want.

@catfeeder We have both admitted feelings for one another and admiration of one another. We both admit to hating when we fall out of touch or when we’ve had arguments or misunderstandings. There is a level of comfort with one another which can’t be denied. We seem to struggle with two things, one of which is how we argue. He tends to push and I tend to withdraw. We’ve recently had an “ah-ha” revelation and breakthrough in that area though. He has apologized for exploding and not giving me a chance to collect my thoughts before engaging in verbal warfare. I have admitted that childhood trauma (which I am currently in counseling for) tends to make me avoid conflict and isolate / withdraw. We both feel better understood in this area now and realize how it has affected our “relationship” over the years and this area feels healed (though recognizing this will take continued effort and understanding). The other area / issue is romance. It isn’t that there isn’t a deep caring for one another (we definitely do), but because there was sex (all those years ago) before romance or courting, it’s difficult to backtrack or reverse. We have both said that our encounter in his car back in our 20’s isn’t something we regret because it was “amazing” but we both know that it really affected / altered how we did / did not move forward. So perhaps there is some regret, but neither of us would want for that experience to have never happened. We’re just missing the development of romance. We can hug for an hour, we can kiss (but I stopped because kissing is intimate for me), we can listen and be there for one another. We spend hours on the phone (I’ve stopped inviting him over). Several years ago I stopped kissing and then stopped allowing him to come over because my feelings were becoming too intense. We then had a big argument and have recently re-connected AGAIN and discussed all of the above, but I’m afraid to allow him to come over. He told me he should have told me he loved me. I sobbed. I know we have something there, I’m just afraid to open up again. I feel like he may be open to giving us a chance (but he has not specifically stated this). I also feel like he wants to take it slow - which I understand because intentional slowness can provide a space for romance to plant a seed and bloom. We both prefer for things to happen organically and not planned which is why this is like an elephant in the room that neither of us is discussing. This is why I’ve asked here in this forum if I should wait (to see if something comes from this). I want to, but I’m afraid. It’s difficult to keep those fears in check while allowing time to see what happens and sit in that uncomfortableness. I appreciate all the responses here as I try to navigate this with some feedback from others.

@Kwothe28 Sounds like you’re projecting, and again, making assumptions. You have no idea what I picture in my mind and it’s not all in my head, as he and I have actually talked about it, multiple times. Sorry life has treated you so bad that you project your own crap onto others. Thanks but no thanks for the “advice”. We are at an impasse. You've made your point, and I've made mine. Time to tip our hats and say "Have a good day."

@TeeDee It’s definitely time, and you’re absolutely right. I feel the clarity lightbulb going off. I appreciate you. Thank you, truly. 💜

@TeeDee This is perhaps exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve struggled a lot with fear over the course of my life (childhood trauma). Funny in that I’ve even admitted that to this guy, but you’re right in that I’ve stopped short of telling him what I want. I think partly because I want to see him make a move, but also because I’ve been afraid to be fully vulnerable. Thank you for this. 💜

@Kwothe28 Disagree and please don’t make assumptions. I’ve not lost 30 years, and already have a wonderful, talented child (just graduated from college, magna cum laude) and I’ve been in several other long-term committed relationships throughout that time (and he has as well). The point is, we keep being drawn to one another, despite significant relationships we’ve each had. There’s obviously some connection there, and it’s not just about the sex, we’ve had many, many lengthy encounters that were nothing other than deep, intellectual conversation, or outings to local events. We enjoy each other’s company either way. I don’t feel any moment has ever been wasted and I don’t regret having him in my life in whatever capacity it’s been in the past and I’m not concerned about my biological clock. I’m only concerned about the present moment. There is a lot more to my story with this man, my initial post is just an abbreviated version of it. We’re both educated and hard working individuals who share a lot of parallels in life and connect on many different levels.

I’m a 52F, never married. In my early 20s I met this guy and there was this immediate attraction and intense chemistry we both later admitted to. One evening, we had quite memorable sex in his car. That night was the beginning of a lifelong on again / off again “relationship” that has lasted our entire lives, ebbed and flowed many times and has survived/surpassed all other relationships we’ve both had. We have stimulating intellectual conversations which last hours on end and many, many times have watched the sunrise together after spending all night talking. We also have amazing, toe-curling, exciting and exhausting sex. We match each other’s intensity and seem to naturally speak the same sexual language and anticipate one another’s needs, wants and desires. We have gone years without seeing one another, moved on to other relationships, fought passionately and angrily, yet always seem to find our way back to each other. The companionship and sex is just that good, we feed each other’s fire, so to speak. We’ve both admitted to love, jealousy we’ve felt when one of us has been in another relationship, and we’ve both felt we must have been connected to each other in a past life. Despite all of this, we’ve never been in an official relationship status with one another. I have always loved him and he knows this. Should I continue to wait / hope?