MissButterfly

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that took the time to share their opinions about my post. Not even sure how I stumbled upon this website but I found the entire process very therapeutic and constructive. Thank you for helping me understand the other person’s point of view, keeping it real, and also helping me see things about myself that can be worked on. If anyone else stumbles upon this thread and has anything else to share, I’ll keep reading.

@yogacat he did list also when his child was born as one of his favorite memories.

@tattoobunnie thank you so much for sharing the other’s side point of view!

@rainbowsandroses my response was to say what were my favorite memories, which were vacations with my family. I think (hope) that the contrast in our responses made him realize that he overshared. Although, when he did say that about his favorite memories, he did mention that he knows it sounds weird and that it was because everything about that moment was so perfect (how he planned it, where they were, etc). The stuffed animal on the bed was “not from an ex but from an ex’s child whom he had gotten very attached to”. I still find it very odd and bothered me a lot. When I break up with someone I return to them everything they’ve ever given me that is of sentimental value. Stuffed animals included. I don’t think that any of these things by themselves would be that big of an issue, it’s everything together that it’s really bothering me and messing with my head.

@Coily BF’s dating: With ex wife: they were together 6 years total, married only 2 years. They decided to get married after they found out she was pregnant, at which point the relationship was already starting to get rocky. They only got legally married, never had a wedding or a celebration/ceremony of any sort, not even an elopement (allegedly because of finances??). Before ex wife, he had another 10 year relationship. They were engaged, he proposed after many many years of them being together (but they broke up before planning a wedding). He’s dated/had other shorter relationships (mostly between 2 and 9 months), but he’s definitely the type of guy that likes to be in a committed relationship (as do I). He’s definitely trying to keep the relationship good with the ex wife and wants to do nothing to disturb it. Apparently after the divorce their relationship was not good and it took them a couple of years to figure out how to coparent and have a good relationship without any animosity. I understand wanting to preserve the photos for their child to see in the future, but I think there’s more appropriate ways to preserve them. Printing them, placing them on an external drive, a computer… anything really that is not so public (which I’ve expressed to him). There’s no scrolling needed to see them, they are the first thing visible when you click on his albums or on his profile pics album. I don’t think that reflects well on me if my family or work contacts were to see them (I have a job where my public image and decision making are under constant scrutiny). We are not talking about a few photos of him with his ex wife + kid. It’s TONS of photos (maybe between 50 and 100?) of all of their intimate moments put up on display for the public, and about half of the photos are of just the ex wife alone. She is tagged in all of the photos so she would find out if he was to delete them. My ex and I had a conversation about eventually deleting photos of each other from our social medias, neither of us got upset about it. Both of us don’t live in the past and are focused on doing what’s best for the current relationship that we are in. What are terror threats? Thank you so much for sharing your point of view - very insightful!

@DarkCh0c0 he said first kiss as in his first kiss ever when he was a teen, not the first kiss with his ex wife. But obviously I agree with you.

@yogacat what suggestions would you have to do it better? Whether it ends up being this relationship or the next - I always like to learn and improve from the situations that I find myself in.

Other amber flag that I remembered: When we first started dating I asked him what were his most treasured/happiest memories (I was thinking more of childhood stuff, for example my most treasured memories are vacations with my family). He said his were his first kiss ever + when he proposed to his ex wife. Thoughts? I thought that, even if a politically incorrect answer and that I obviously don’t like, at least this guy speaks what’s on his mind always, is honest, and doesn’t hide anything from me. If not this, I’ll probably be with someone that hides stuff and doesn’t say what he thinks?

If I was to tell him that I don’t think we are each other’s person, how do I even verbalize everything I’ve posted above? Do I go into a long detailed list about the reasons? I’m really lost as to how/what to say. But I would like him to know the reasons, because I think it could have been a great long term relationship otherwise.

@smackie9 I haven’t digged so, no.

@Batya33 no, when it’s just us two he only brings her up in conversation when it’s related to their kid - nothing I would consider inappropriate. However, when I met his friends - they bring up his ex wife in conversation every time - mostly they talk about how they were pregnant at the same time and about their kids births. It’s not something that I’ve ever encountered before that a boyfriend’s friends are not trying to get to know me and are talking to me about his ex wife. I think bringing up the ex wife in any way, is very inappropriate of his friends. I also think he should have taken the initiative and changed that conversation instead of feeding into it and sharing details about her giving childbirth and him filming her vagina during the birth. Also, it turned out that when he once had taken his son to a birthday party on the weekend that he had custody, the ex wife also showed up to hang out with them all afternoon. Probably it’s something that happens regularly, the kid attends birthday parties about every other weekend. He told me he hopes that one day I can get to know her and we can eventually all hang out at their mutual friends BBQs or Christmas parties without anyone feeling uncomfortable. It makes me feel like him and his wife + kid are still a family unit even though they are legally divorced, and like I’m an intruder in their family. I’ve been married to someone with kids before and the dynamics were very different. He also appears to sentimentalize a lot. For example he used to keep on his bed a stuffed animal from a different ex’s child “whom he got very attached to” (I think they dated less than 1 year), which we had to move every time we had sex or went to sleep (I relocated it to a different corner after I found out that it was related to an ex). I have lots of mutual friends with my ex husband but none of them would bring him up in front of my new boyfriend, nor would I ever ask my new boyfriend to hang out at an event that I know my ex husband will be at, unless it was a wedding or similar type of once in a lifetime celebration. I find all this very bizarre and unusual. I guess the reason I posted on here was to hear other people’s opinions - to hear the devil’s advocate thoughts or find out if my thoughts and feelings about the situation are valid. Also, to hear the opinion from people looking in from the outside as well as hopefully some opinions from people with kids that have remained on good terms with their ex with whom they share a child. Is this guy really into me or is he projecting the feelings he has for someone else onto me? He was telling me “I love you” only after 1 or 2 months of having met me - which was definitely an amber flag, seems way too soon. From the way he presents himself on social media it appears he never gave himself time to process his breakups and stay single.

@yogacat He showed me of his own accord the notification he received about an old “memories” post. And since he has so many photos up of his ex wife, it means that he receives almost daily notifications of “memories” of photos of her.

@rainbowsandroses Aside from the pics of exes and how they make me feel - the relationship is great. He is a great boyfriend. I trust him completely and he makes me very happy. I’m hoping that he will delete those photos before it gets to the point where I’ll choose to walk away from the relationship because it bothers me too much. I know that with time, they will bother me more and more.

Because he showed me how he received notifications about “memories” from a different post. He’s also very active across all social media platforms and receives notifications for everything.

@Andrina Reason they broke up - I think I got the politically correct answer. But they had a kid and started arguing/didn’t cope well with the changes/extra stress of a newborn. She may have had postpartum depression. Also, she cheated on him shortly before she got pregnant, but he was open to trying to forgive her and make it work. She’s the one that filed for divorce, although he made it seem like it was mutual. His relationships after his ex wife seem to be between 4 months and 1 year. But from his posts it looks like he jumps from relationship to relationship and gets serious right away very fast with everyone. We are in our 40s and he has bringing up future long term plans on his own. Given his posts, I am struggling visualizing him as “my person”, bringing him around work functions, and fully integrating him into my life. At first I thought that he just had not thought about how those pics being up were coming across and I thought if I explained to him how they made me feel and what my thought process about social media and exes is - that he would make changes accordingly. I don’t want to be telling anyone “you must delete these photos”. I’d want him to do it because I told him how they make me feel and I think they are inappropriate and it’s out of respect to me and our relationship.