stelalala

Don't take this the wrong way, but you bringing up that you can provide for other people and you want a partner to cook and clean comes off a little weird. She is supposed to be your life partner after all, not a pet or an employee. Regarding her body count, I do believe that to be normal. Early 20s are very interesting, there are both virgins and people with a much higher body count out there and neither is better or worse than the other. So I would say that doesn't make her a bad partner, but since you don't seem to fond of here and approach this with much more logic than I would expect, you two do not seem to be a match.

Thank you all for your insightful replies. Before I get to that, I have an update. I had written him a long message about how I felt about the fight - which he did see but has not replied to. I waited 24 hours and then unfriended him on the platform where we were speaking. I have no idea if he was too mad to reply, if he wanted to give me space or if he doesn't care about me as much as I thought he did. That was yesterday and I feel absolutely awful, like my heart was torn out of my chest and I keep debating if I should reach out to him again. You are very right. It's just, I have been trying to find such close friends for the past 5 years or so. I have met many incredibly people but no one was as crazy about me as I was about them. I know this sounds weird since we are talking about friendships only - but I am also a very emotional person and even after being out of school for so long I just can't get used to talking to my friends only a few times a week instead of every day. And there was this person who felt the same painful loneliness as me and was instantly ready to chat for hours. That is very true. But I also feel like every person in my life, even the really good and healthy people have made me feel guilty and dependent. It's more a character flaw of mine... And I know I am not responsible for his flaws, but I was in a similar position myself and I wish someone would have said to me, I will be by your side every step of the way and help you be a better person. Regarding your rollercoaster analogy, I honestly don't think I can do this. But I tend to create drama myself and I've had kind of a love-hate-relationship with most of my friends and I am inclined to believe that this isn't entirely his fault, just the result of two overly emotional people taking out their issues on each other. We have different values and political views. He like arguments and discussions and I just shut down when I disagree with something. You are very correct. I am just so attached to him and he made me believe that I could turn him into a better person. And I have no idea if that was him manipulating me or him being vulnerable. No, we have not. We were going to soon, but now that I broke off contact that will not happen. So I have no idea what he is like in reallife.

I have been in her situation as well and I also believe that she just needs much more time to be sure what she wants. I don't think you are rushing her too much in a sense that you are doing too much, but she is rushing herself into somehow being with you but also not because she is torn between her attraction to you and her own issues. I'd give it a lot more time and space but also be prepared that it won't go anywhere.

Maybe I'm naive but I don't necessarily see her as a walking red flag. But I do believe that it is quite unlikely that you will end up dating and I am afraid that you might be wasting your time or missing out on real, available connections while speaking to her. It's definitely going to take her more than a couple months to get on her own feet and over her past relationship and it might really not be worth it when it does happen. If you can handle that, then proceed

Two months ago I made a friend through an online community. He is a very intense person - always the center of attention, organizing activities and making new friends, and has absolutely no filter when speaking, especially when he's emotional. I found him to be very fascinating and I felt insanely comfortable around him. We moved pretty quickly, after just a few days we started having daily 4-hour phone calls and talked about meeting, and I noticed myself becoming more like him - more confident, more loud, just having fun. This also influenced my life outside of this friendship, I was happier and more active, got along better with coworkers and reallife friends and didn't worry as much. However, he can also be really mean and selfish (never to me, but to other people) and we had 2 huge fights already. Each time I said that I wanted to end the friendship because I felt we weren't really as compatible as I thought - and each time I changed my mind because I felt bad for him, or like I should put more effort in or like I was throwing the friendship away over nothing. Now we're at fight number 3 and mutual friends are telling me that I am emotionally depended on him and that he isn't good for me, and I just feel so guilty and like I am not trying hard enough to be his friend. And the thing is, he definitely has some huge flaws, but he's also one of the most honest and passionate people I know and I like that I can be equally crazy and he still wants me in his life. While I feel like I am too much, too weird or otherwise not enough with literally everyone else. But that makes me think that I should be with people who calm me down, not amplify my own weaknesses. Any thoughts so far? I am happy to provide details and examples

So I signed up here and posted my first topic about a month ago because I had lost some very dear and close friends who I unfortunately wasn't compatible enough with anymore. I still believe I made the right choice and I am looking forward to making new connections but it also reminded me of a problem I've been dealing with since I graduated: Adult life is so incredibly lonely. I know it is unreasonable to expect another adult to be available 24/7, but that is one thing I really, really miss from childhood. Seeing each other all day in school, then hanging out in our freetime... I wish there was a way to have relationships like this again now. I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who I can text all day and who I see after work and on our days off, but that is about it. And I have an extremely hard time accepting that this is the norm for humans of our ages and circumstances. My therapist encouraged me to seek out other acquaintances after these really close friendships ended but it's just not the same. My old friends, as awful as we were to each other sometimes, texted me almost every day and were available to meet at least every few weeks. All the other people I know maybe text me once a month and are free to hangout twice a year or so. It's not that I am alone - I have my partner, coworkers, online contacts. But I am lonely - I miss having multiple people who reach out to me regularly, who know what is going on in my life and share theirs with me, who have time for me. This has been an issue before but it's much worse now that my social circle has become even smaller. How does one accept this?

Thank you very much for your kind words. I am unfortunately still not feeling better, so I would like to write some more about what I am going through. The title of the topic is still accurate. It feels like I have lost my mind. I keep replaying the last conversation in my head, wondering how it would have went if I had said something differently. Some days I am angry, some days I just cry for hours, some days I laugh so hard I barely remember the situation. But I keep going through it over and over again, each time with a different angle. I know there is no point in ruminating about the past but the guilt and the shame is so powerful. I feel like a failure, like the worst person alive... My therapist encourages me to just accept the situation and try to make the best of the future. But it is all so scary. I keep wondering if the awful things my friends said are true, if I am really as bad as a person as they said, if my improvements were just my imagniation. I know they are victims too, but I still wish they were a bit more understanding of my side. I did treat them in an awful way. And I apologized many times and tried my best to be a better person. But I haven't even heard a "sorry" so far from them. That just hurts. And as stupid as this sounds, the worst part might be that there are now 5 people on this planet who think I am a selfish, immature and hateful person. I am constantly scared of being judged and rejected and now the people who I used to love the most dislike me. And if it wasn't for my boyfriend there would be no one left who had a bit of sympathy for me (except of course the kind souls here...but it's not the same if it's not an actual human being in my life).

I am still in therapy and I think I might go more regularly again after this. I will, thank you very much. Also thank you to everyone else who participated in this conversation. I feel a bit better now and I am happy that this was such a respectful discussion despite my faults.

To keep it short, they more or less treated me the way I used to treat them and I wasn't okay with that anymore. During the conversation it seemed like they felt I deserved their behavior because of my past - which I totally understand but for me the logical conclusion then is that this friendship doesn't have a future. As I said above, there were just many instances where I felt disrespected. When I brought up those specific situations now, they basically said that I deserved their behavior because of my past. I was really ashamed of that realisation which unfortunately turned into anger and I was really hurt that they apparently weren't saying the truth when they expressed earlier that all had been forgiven. If I had known that these issues were still not solved, I would tried harder or distanced myself sooner. But that of course isn't really anyone's fault, just very unlucky. That is probably true and I shouldn't judge them for their choices. I think that would be best, too. I am just regretting very much how it all went down. That is my hope too. I am just afraid of making the same mistakes again... I guess why I was reaching out here is that I feel overwhelmed by my regret but as you wrote, letting go might be the only way here.

Yes, that is true. I am still in therapy, just less regular than in the beginning.

Thank you all very much for your kind words! Yes, I did try that with moderate success. One person for example was really empathic and tried to make a change, but even though they tried to make me more comfortable, I just didn't feel a connection anymore. Others felt really insulted by my requests and said that I was asking for too much, being too sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing. I often understood why they felt like that, but I had learnt some communcation skills from therapy and really tried my best to make my request as clear and respectful as possible without it sounding like an accusation and really did not know what else I could do. That is exactly what I think too. After the final talk, it was made clear to me that it sounded like everyone made the same mistakes in my eyes, when in reality I had different issues with each and everyone of them individually. But the "funny" thing is, they insisted on speaking as a group even though I had expressed multiple times that I wasn't comfortable with that and I eventually gave in hoping it would make the seperation easier for them. The thing is, during the conversation I was accused of a lot of awful things. I was open to hearing their side, but I eventually did feel like defending myself and mentioned that especially my therapist supported my decision and did not put all the blame on me. That led to one friend saying "but they are your therapist, they aren't allowed to critize you! You literally pay them to be nice to you". I knew rationally that this wasn't true, or at least a very bad way of saying that my therapist is obviously on my side generally speaking, but this stuck with me and made me question everything. I know it isn't an excuse but I was a really horrible person in the beginning of our friendship because of many personal issues and trauma. I was jealous, let out my anger and frustration with my friends (when I had a bad day, I insulted them and screamed at them), I constantly made them feel like they were replaceable, like I was better than them, I was absolutely not open for criticism or any kind of feedback, I basically did whatever I wanted without considering their feelings. When my situation changed and I finally started therapy, I apologized for everything and made a constant effort to be a better friend. The feedback I got was positive, I had successfully become more self-aware and kind. I was often scared that they secretly didn't forgive me but they insisted that everything was now good between us and that I really had become a great friend to have around. I even brought up specific instances and asked if they really gotten over that, and they often said "oh I don't even remember what you said back then, it's in the past now, whatever...". But during the final talk they expressed that they did in fact were not okay and just kept pretending to have forgiven me so that I wouldn't cause a scene. I was so embarrassed and ashamed in that moment, because while I would definitely have caused a scene 10 years ago that would probably not have happened now as an adult. I understand that they were scared or frustrated but I am mainly bothered by the fact that they lied to me and didn't try to give me another chance. Again, my boyfriend and other less close friends did agree that I had improved as a person and I just think it is unfair that they continued to stay in contact with me and let me believe I had put enough effort in instead of ending the friendship themselves. I try not to blame them for that mistake, but when I asked why it never occured to them to cut me out of their life they just said "we don't just throw people away like you do". And that really saddened me because it is not how I see the situation and I wish they had stood up for themselves more even if it meant hurting me.

I was friends with the same group of people for almost 10 years (we know each other from school). The past 5 years of those were absolutely awful for me. My theory (and that of my therapist) is, that we naturally kept drifting apart and I felt frustrated for not being able to stop it despite my best efforts and also scared of not finding any new friends again. After a recent fight I finally found the strength to tell the group that I didn't feel comfortable with them anymore and didn't see a future in the friendship. We had one final talk which went absolutely awful. We agreed on both sides that our communication wasn't the best, but just fought the rest of the time. I said some really awful things during that conversation, but I did apologize soon after. They also said some really awful things and did not apologize. It also seemed to me like they put most of the blame on me, which I didn't think was fair. And now I don't know how to feel. We were basically like siblings and now I found out that they think really badly about me, judge me for my past, my behavior and my choices. Especially since all 5 of them agreed on the same things, I felt like I have been lying to myself for years. The only people that "agree" with me and think that I did the right thing by ending things (even if the execution wasn't good) are my therapist and my boyfriend. Who both more or less have to agree with me I guess...I feel like I am losing my mind.