Endoftheroad

Thank you all again for your replies. Just to reiterate … I don’t think she’s a bad person. She’s very good with our daughter. But yes, from my perspective it’s pretty miserable being with someone who seems to have no concept whatsoever of truly supportive partnerships or intimacy, and who I’ve haemorrhaged money supporting for 5+ years. Some food for thought in this thread. The solicitor I went to see before told me that shared custody would be best - that’s what the courts will usually want (apparently) and it would be hard for me to argue for sole custody unless I could show that she is a bad mother. Well, in spite of the way things are between us, she is not a bad mother. So… if shared custody is what happens (as seems likely at this point), since she has no money of her own, the court would want to see me provide a place for her to live (for the time they spend together), That’s what I’ve been told. If we do end up sharing custody, then I, too, would want my daughter properly looked after of course. But… this thread has made me feel like I should see another solicitor to get a second opinion on the likelihood of sole custody / primary responsibility. Thanks again, it’s so nice to be able to vent here!

Thought I’d update this for anyone interested… Not feeling great about things to be honest. Feeling very sad. We are still living together but things are strained… she never really communicated much with me before, but now it seems like a more deliberately icy wall, not merely obliviousness. I am trying to be kind as much as I can. The other day I said to her “I want to tell you that whatever happens, you are very much cared about. And for however I’ve contributed to the current situation I want to say I’m deeply sorry.” I meant it. Nothing. I mean, I didn’t expect anything. But it really stings regardless. She wants to live in another city with our child. I don’t want to move, as it means selling the house that I’ve poured so much time and energy into over the past couple of years. Being in this city also allows me to be near my mother who is almost blind - she relies on me. She tells me I can visit them in the new city. I tell her that works both ways. She tells me I need to sell the house and has been sending me links to potential houses in the “new city”. They are expensive. The place she wants to live has a population 10X lower than where we currently live. There are far fewer opportunities there. Far fewer socialising options, and far fewer jobs. She has struggled generally finding work over the past 5 years… it seems unlikely she’d find something there. I think I’d be bored out of my mind living there. She tells me I need to get the house valued. I’ve been feeling so unloved for so long that the other day, in spite of everything, I asked her for a hug. We hugged. But immediately afterwards it has gone back to one word answers from her. I’m not religious, but I have prayed. I’ve contacted a mediator to try to come up with a fair compromise. As it stands, I am prepared to rent somewhere for her so that she has somewhere to live, and somewhere my daughter can spend time with her. She tells me I should buy them somewhere, not rent somewhere. I can’t afford to buy at the moment unless I sell the house. Hoping the mediator can help us find a fair and sensible path forwards without it getting nasty.

I've contacted a solicitor a couple of days ago (a recommendation) and am waiting to hear back. Will chase tomorrow. In the meantime I've told my partner that I've reached the end of the road. She said "then you'll have to buy somewhere for us to live" (meaning her and my daughter). I told her that I'm not sure that's how it will go, but we'll see. She said "excuse me!?". She is apparently taking for granted that she will get custody (which would mean I have to pay for her to find somewhere to live, plus the maintenance payments) Since that conversation, I've tried to keep things civil. She is still living here of course. I can't simply kick her out (as someone here suggested) because she has nowhere to go and no money. Besides, I cannot force her to leave under UK law. Yesterday she forgot her keys on her way to work, so she came back to get them. We don't have a doorbell - we only have a heavy brass knocker. BANG BANG BANG. I immediately start making my way downstairs from the second floor of the house. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. I get to the first floor. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. I finally answer, obviously a little annoyed that she felt the need to act out her unreasonable impatience by knocking 20 times. She said she was just in a hurry and "there was nothing more to it." Around 7pm today, I went out to the garden terrace and noticed that the seagulls had been picking at the bins. Rubbish from the bags was strewn all over the terrace. I was holding my daughter so I asked my partner if she could clear it up. "I'll do it tomorrow" she said, as she started wandering around the garden. It would have taken two minutes max, and if it had been left it could have got much worse overnight. I did it myself. Seems like she's pretty angry. I'm used to being mistreated, so this isn't that unusual I suppose. It's just that now I'm much less willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I only hope it doesn't carry on this way for months and months.

She doesn’t have any mental illness… but she isn’t hugely qualified for higher-paying work. She has been working part time for the past 8 months, and has been able to contribute 15-20% or so towards monthly bills.

The difficulty in separating would mainly be financial, I think. Since she doesn’t earn very much at all and has no savings - and in this country the woman will typically get custody unless the circumstances are very exceptional, I assume I would probably have to buy her / my daughter a place to live. Or at least cover their rent which would be very expensive in this city. The knock on effects of having to pay her rent / buy them a place to live as well as covering child support payments would make it difficult to help my parents any more. Within a few years I may have to pay for medical treatment / nursing homes and so on. They are both in their 80s. I’m also concerned that since she doesn’t drive, if she has custody she will probably struggle to make simple trips when / if needed (especially problematic if there is any urgent reason why a trip to a doctor / hospital would be needed) So a few things to consider. I wish it could be as easy as me taking custody and her going to live elsewhere. If that were possible I’d jump at the chance, but I’d still help her out obviously (a destitute mother in this scenario helps no-one)

I met my partner online seven years ago. We have a two year-old child together. My partner seemed like a good and kind person when we met, and she still does, but she has never told me she loves me, has never really seemed interested in getting to know me on a deep level, has never initiated sex and has never complimented me. I used to tell her that I loved her regularly at the beginning of the relationship and was always complimenting her character and appearance, encouraging her with work / her dreams, but I have never had the same back. I stayed hoping things would get better. I loved and liked her. We can have a good laugh together. But over time I started to feel very sad inside. After we’d been together for a couple of years, she stopped working for a period of several years, and during this time I paid off her debts, bought her a laptop, and spent $10,000 to help her get her sewing business idea started. This has not taken off, perhaps partly because our daughter arrived (and that’s fair enough), but she also tells me that *I haven’t done enough* to help her. She can get quite moody about it. Over the years, whenever I’ve asked her why she has never told me that she loves me, never complimented me, never initiated sex - she gets angry and accuses me of being mentally ill, tells me I need to see a therapist, tells me that I’ve always got some kind of problem with her. And I must admit, it has started to become like a stuck record… I bottle things up as much as I can because she is so unreceptive, and on the rare occasions I feel like I simply have to say something, she invalidates my feelings entirely. I have grown fearful of sharing thoughts and feelings with her. I’ve started to feel really guilty for feeling the way I do, but I don’t know how to handle this persistent grinding feeling of being completely starved of intimacy and emotional connection. Over the years, it has definitely eaten away at my sense of self esteem. I’m not sure it would be possible to feel any less attractive, appreciated or desired than I do. I blame myself. I get angry with myself. I feel like an idiot for allowing things to continue for so long in such a deeply unfulfilling way. Of course we have the most wonderful daughter who I love to bits, but I find myself hoping she doesn’t learn that this is how a relationship is supposed to look. At times the situation has made me feel quite desperate. I moved to a separate bedroom in the house - the house that I bought - a month or so ago. Our sex life had dwindled to once a year anyway, and it almost felt dishonest to keep sharing the same bed. Separating would not be easy as she earns very little, she doesn’t drive, I pay for 90% of the bills and other expenses. I also have to look after my other family members (parents) quite a bit who struggle financially and need my support. Not sure why I’m posting this here really. I guess I’m just looking for a kind word from someone. Really, I already know what I have to do. At least I think so. Thanks for reading, and sorry it was so long.