kevon

i really hope after committing suicide, that iam getting a chance to be reborn as a woman. it must be great if men take care of everything 😞

i dont know, i havent had much luck so far. most people give me bad comments about me or iam always interested in the wrong people. i never see anyone taking a step into my direction. reminding myself that billions of people do not care about me or would never be a friend of mine is soulcrushing... how are you doing this, @AndyPandy

yeah, sounds very much like me, because thanks to my therapist, i know that i had an depressed attitude since 2nd grade when my parents started to lock me in my room for several hours a day. i never knew this is considered child abuse and thought this is normal for parents to do with their children. so as long as i can remember i think from time to time of suicide. it kills me to see my cousin who is 17 having his 2nd or 3rd girlfriend and me never even touched a woman. i try to focus on other things, trying things outside of my comfortzone. i try to regularly go outside instead of hanging out in my basement, but finding new people to hang out with me seems at the moment very hard. i barely find anyone who would like to do new activities with me. i have some online friends from the early ragnarok-online days, but its all guys and most of them are married and not interested in doing something outside of playing videogames.

i unintendedly get back to this kind of behaviour which is where i struggle...

yes, i feel very stuck and you have used very wise and direct words: negative, defeatist. and i would love to change this. but the moment i step out and make a move, i feel the judging and the "no-interest" of others which leave me depressed.

his advice was to not care anymore about asking out any woman and try to be with myself(i also struggle with this, simply because i always have FOMO and i try to desperately be social and outside)

i tried. more than "wrong" numbers and "you are a nice guy, but..." wasnt in for me yet.

i dont want to sound inpolite or rash, but i could compare myself with billions of starving african people who dont have food or love. but here iam, the single weird brown guy nobody wants to hang out with. some also told my friends a few years ago, they dont feel comfortable to hang out with a potential predator. i never did anything and i got accusations like this, which is why i feel even more anxious. i never experiences anything closely remote to sex/ONS and yet everyone brushes it off as it is nothing worth noting.

my therapist is atm a psychoanalytical one. they tell me to first work on myself, but this somehow drags on and i dont see any improvement, hence iam also struggling therapy-wise.

since they are all married or are unsocial creatures, they are not interested in hanging out outside. hence iam sort of stuck... i have social anxiety to get in contact with people if iam by my own

i would agree with you, because 5 years ago i was. full of myself, brave and full of strength to conquer the world job- and women-wise. 5 years later, i feel like a wreck. nothing achieved while people less worth than me have become high achievers. i cant explain how and why i have failed miserably. it doesnt add up for me, how it never worked out for me. i read and hear about women with body counts and stuff like this, while i never even touched a woman. i feel i have more in common with incels and black pillers, because how bad i have fared so far.

yeah, i struggled finding a job after my master too. i think this basically started this whole depression journey for me. being jobless for almost 2years wondering what iam doing and why i have encountered more than 300 job rejections. now working in a complete different field, wildly overqualified since a lot of HR people told me i was too young for that kind of position(which seemed like a lie for me because i was already in my 30s) i never found what i wanted to work for. now life feels like a struggle. nothing works as i would like to. everyone says something different and no advice seems to come to fruition. everything feels like a slog. @Batya33 you are right, i need to feel comfortable, but everyone says *** like: dont play videogames if you want to have dates. go to the gym, have some social hobbies etc. but nothing worked for me. iam just living in fear for the next rejection whatever i do, i know it will be wrong for what i would like to do.

maybe you can elaborate since i think i dont understand that metaphor with the animals. i dont know if iam think skinned or not. my parents werent the role models at all since they never showed any love or emotions at all. my parents had an arranged marriage and they, i think, never liked each other. so i really grew up that this is normal. i only realized when i moved out how other people live and how iam unable to grasp what it means to be loved. i never had a relationship and as much as i struggle and fight for one the next rejection hurts even more. i have struggled for the past 5 years with depression and suicide and despite being in therapy i dont feel that anything improves. i somehow understand that it might be like in the animal world: "survival of the fittest". why would a woman be interested in a miserable pile of poop like me?

to a certain degree yes, but i wouldnt agree. i have my nerd friends to hang out with, but we only hang out in each others basement to play videogames or to watch movies. i would love to go out, but i struggle to do that alone since i feel miserable/not brave enough to do that alone.

how and why? i struggle to do so. i keep coming back to think about that one woman. and since i barely have more social contact outside of work, it drives me nuts to get to new places.