beckybestie

Thank you so so much, many blessings to you.

My husband is actually very receptive to my talks but thanks for your input!

Hi to any who are still reading here. I just wanted to say thank you for providing your insight, wisdom, perspectives, and cold hard truth. Thank you for challenging my rigid ways of thinking or trying to do things. I wanted to clarify: this is not a green card marriage. I know my husband loves me with all of his heart and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He proves it to me on the daily, through words and actions, especially things like this, where I am constantly trying to implement things. He is very receptive to it all, which I'm thankful for, but for some reason it wasn't enough. After some self-reflecting, I realized there is just a lack of excitement/newness in the relationship at the moment, which is something that I need in a relationship. He knows it, and I do too.. We're moving soon and we plan on going to the gym together, among other things. I think that will help. I think the real conversation to be had here is: how can honor both of our ways of connection/bonding, if they do look different, and in general what can do to reignite the excitement, and how can we keep it igniting regularly so that we don't fall into a rut- which tends to lead me to believe we need to do relationship education to connect and bond. I do also need to stop being so rigid and "teachy" which I will work on. I will try to just relax into the beautiful Union we are building and just learn to appreciate the love that I am being shown everyday without wanting to control and micromanage every aspect of it. Learning to be more in the flow of things probably will make me more peaceful too.. but alas, this is what it's like being a Virgo.

I absolutely will. Thank you for challenging my perspectives, I don't have much frame of reference besides my own thoughts - literal. So it can be haarrrrrrd. He does work and has a work visa, but he has only been here 1 year and a half so it is a temporary one. So he needs to go every year to the immigration office so they can "determine" his stay.

no it was actually a snippet from a workshop held by a family and relationship therapist that I follow lol

I mean, it's not that I think he has things to work on. I think what I'm trying to get at is I feel there is a lack of novelty and excitement and bonding between us. We kinda fell into a routine.. and it makes me feel disconnected. But I also have to remember that there are a plethora ways of connecting and that my way isn't the only way. I saw a video about this yesterday as well. in reality, and thinking deeper, I think I'm the one that needs relationship education. I didn't have healthy models growing up so I'm clueless about a looooot. Maybe I'm just projecting that onto him. Omg. But, I do thank you for your insight. It helps.

I do like hanging out with him, that hasn't changed.

Completely fair! I do think I am a bit more structured overall, I like organization and planning things. I do also think it's an incompatibility, and whether or not we can whether it is the problem because we seem to be very set in our ways..

That's fair! I find this type of stuff to be enjoyable. It might just be because I am obsessed with psychology. The app is a way to stay connected during the day, and the posts I just send when I like what was said. I do agree that maybe I should've found a partner that matched me in that sense.. deeper levels of intimacy to me, is curiosity about the other, moments throughout the day where there is some type of novelty, a regular exchange of education and knowledge, implementing new practices and relationship rituals/traditions, couples retreats, reading books together, learning together, individual therapy, deep conversations that open the heart and a mutual enthusiasm for these things overall. I've asked him before if this was all about the green card and he says no. That being said, he does not have a guarantee of whether or not he can stay here. He has to present him for an appointment to determine that. Of course if we're married, that changes. And he can travel back home and see his family- something he has been wanting to do forever. So, he's got many benefits to the marriage. And, I did feel a push, whether he was conscious of it or not, there was definitely a push after we got engaged. I also remember speaking to his mother a week before about my feelings annd wanting to do counseling prior to and her telling me, "but he's such a good family man, he isn't perfect and you guys can do counseling when you guys come here!!!" Basically pushing me to go through with it anyway and do counseling after the fact. Not ONCE did she ask why I felt why I felt. Her literal only concern was me marrying her son the following week. I did not sign an affidavit of support. And I honestly don't know what would happen if I got an annulment. thank you for your response!

Hi! Thank you so much for your well-thought out response. I am so grateful that you took out the time to help me and provide your insight. To answer and address your points/questions: I did not want to be married before I met him! When I was a child, I did for a bit, but mostly loved the fantasy of having a wedding . But I grew out of that very quickly. I never truly feared commitment and relationships, i always loved them. but I didn't want to be married. My perspective did somewhat change when I met my husband. (interestingly enough, the same happened to him) I will admit I still didn't AND don't like the legally binding aspect of it and I DEFINITELY didn't like all of the pressure and rush that went on between us. I have no problem with commitment but to me marriage is just a legal contract. And I will admit, I do feel somewhat trapped sometimes. I will admit I do want the option to leave if we just don't align because alignment is crucial for me. I didn't think I would feel it. I will admit emotional immaturity on my part as well. I shouldn't have said yes to someone I barely knew, and much less if I was going to perhaps try and change(?) them into something they're not, although I will admit I think it was more of trying to inspire it out of him, but it wasn't fair to expect them to just bring out a different version of themselves then what they've already shown me. That was entirely my fault. At no point did he show me that he was like me in the sense that I wanted him (or need him to be) and that's all on me that I fantasized it being so. thank you for bringing that to my attention. I will admit that I did have so much respect, love and admiration towards him. But a shift happened in me, and I can't explain it but a lot of things shifted, I started to see things more in reality (after we had gotten married) and I started to ask myself if this would be fulfilling long term. And based on how I was feeling, I didn't think it was. I did turn inward. I've been turned inward this whole time, even before meeting him. Which is what caused me to develop this fascination and practice of relationship education and practices. And yes, I could have my fix and be happy, and I am, but there are things that require us both because we're in a relationship. And realizing that I might not able to share that with my partner without having to wonder if he's open-minded or willing enough to challenge himself, is just exhausting.

My(f27) m(28) husband and I got married in May. Prior to us getting married, I told him I felt we were moving too fast. We've only been together a year. But I was the one who brought up marriage in the first place, even though I was always joking about it.. And ever since we got married I've just been feeling this weight. Like, I really didn't know what all of this entailed. I wasn't even entirely sure I wanted to get married to this person, or married at all. My husband is not a U.S. resident, but I am. And my whole family raises an eyebrow at us. My brother says we remind him of 90 day fiancé... that stung. I wanted to take pre-marital counseling but he made me feel guilty because we had already set a date and told our family. I remember that moment. I felt defeated. I know I should've insisted but I didn't. And now I feel so ***ty because I vowed eternity to this person and I keep feeling hot and cold. One day I'm happy the next day I'm confused. I told him all the reasons why I didn't want to get married and we were able to work through a lot of them, but one thing that we just don't seem to see eye to eye on is emotional intimacy/intelligence. In the beginning: all of the relationship talk we've had has been because of me. Boundaries, dealbreakers, etc etc. He didn't know what love languages were. But I didn't judge. I happily initiated. And educated him. And now a year later, I am still "initiating" the relationship regarding any type of emotional growth. I send him posts, I suggests relationship apps. He gets involved sometimes but unless I start or initiate something it doesn't happen. If months or years go by and I do not implement a new ritual, or suggest we go on a couples retreat, or suggest a book to read together, ANYTHING, I know for a fact we will not do any of it. That makes so SO SAD. Am I asking for a unicorn?!? Most recently: He told me he doesn't like weekly check ins, and he doesn't like the fact that I want to plan them so that they're intentional. And idk it all just all seems like emotional immaturity bc what's so bad about planning a conversation... god. There's a million things to do in the day, our relationship deserves time set out. He feels like I'm forcing conversation. I feel guilty because although he isn't well-versed in the growth area, he is loving and caring and supportive,affectionate... that being said I do need way deeeper levels of intimacy. I also feel bad because I may have blindsided him on this.. although I do remember having mentioned it even in the beginning, I didn't really require him to initiate things. I do now though and I feel it's about time he steps up. We're married for Pete's sakes. I've given him all of the tools.. all of the input. I've laid it all out for him. All he has to do is do something with it. He is also a full blown adult and yet he only consumes soccer, social media, politics and wealth content. I want to find a way to be curious about this without absolutely bashing him. I mean no judging but where's also the deep, daily exploration into self?? Not saying that I am any better off than him or that this needs to be a constant religious practice, but I do often wonder what he does for self-improvement and deep exploration that doesn't involve consuming entertainment.... don't want y'all to misinterpret, he works full time and he is ambitious and evrything. But it isn't only about work. I knew that going to pre-marital would've helped me explore all of these weird feelings and thoughts with him and and I wish I would've insisted because now it seems like we've reached a dead end. And I'm confused because as a person who is committed to self growth and development, and relationship education, I need my partner to be on the same wavelength. No questions asked. I don't quite feeeel that in this dynamic at the moment. And I don't know if I will. Am I asking for too much?