I bought my boyfriend a small Valentine’s Day gift last week and then started to worry that he was not going to get me anything. Valentine’s Day is not that important to me, but I do love an excuse to celebrate and gifts are not that important to me either, but I think that the gesture is really nice. Even though it wasn’t too big a deal, I knew that a part of me would be upset on Valentine’s Day if he had nothing for me. I wanted to be upfront without straight up asking him for a gift, so I made a comment about looking at gifts for him for Valentine’s Day so that he knew that I was planning on giving him something.
He replied to this explaining that we don’t need more stuff, it’s a hallmark Holliday, and he wouldn’t have a chance to get anything because he never goes out without me and we are always together.
The thing is, we work from home at different times and both have very flexible schedules, so i know that he had ample opportunity to go to the store. He said this four days before Valentine’s Day when I was planning to be out of the house and out of town for at least the following morning. But I didn’t necessarily want him to go out and buy me something anyway. A hand written note or something like that would have been really nice and thoughtful. It really isn’t about the gift at all, but the way he said this made me feel like he just couldn’t be bothered.
I got the feeling that he was feeling overwhelmed and just didn’t want to think about it, so he was coming up with excuses for why he couldn’t get me anything so that he wouldn’t have to make time to get out and buy somethIng, or write something, or set up a delivery. Or that he didn’t think it was worth the money or a trip to the store just to get me something because he doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day.
Most of the time he is very loving and thoughtful. Sometimes he gets overwhelmed and preoccupied with work, family, etc. and will do something kind of thoughtless, like forgetting our plans, not listening to me, and other small things that sting a bit, and add up over time. We have talked about it a few times in the past. He even told me that if he is overwhelmed, my interests are the first thing he will let slip because I am the least likely to get mad at him. I felt like this was another example of that same issue, which is probably why I am so upset about such a petty seeming thing. It makes me feel like I am his last priority and It is a really ***ty feeling. I know that there were similar issues in his past relationships, so I know that this is not just in my head. This has become a soft spot for me and I tend to get pretty emotional when he does something that I feel is thoughtless.
I tried to just accept it, but the next morning I still felt really upset. I didn’t want to get upset or pressure him over a gift because I felt like it would be petty or ungrateful. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from getting emotional, so I got out of the house for a while to run some errands, but I was still just ruminating and feeling really badly about it.
When I got home, I was just feeling worse and I couldn’t keep it in, I ended up crying in front of him. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was upset about him not getting me anything for Valentine’s Day, and that I felt really pathetic having to ask for a gift. He told me that he had been planning to get me something on Amazon but it wasn’t going to come in on time and he didn’t know if he could make it to the store. He apologized, but I felt like he wasn’t really taking it seriously, and he said, half jokingly, that I was being silly. I ended up feeling like it wasn’t resolved, especially because he was still saying that he couldn’t get a chance to go out because we were together all the time, when I was just returning from being out of the house for hours and he had just been hanging out when I got home. I didn’t get out everything that I wanted to say because I didn’t want to make accusations or say something hurtful, and I felt like he was doubling down on his excuses even after knowing that I was planning to give him something. I wanted to be done with it, so I kept that to myself. But I just ended up ruminating more and becoming more upset.
I woke up the next morning and was immediately hit with emotions and started to cry again. I went more in depth about why this upset me- I told him that I thought he was being preoccupied again and that it wasn’t about getting a gift, but that what he said had made me feel like I wasn’t worth thinking about to him. He was really frustrated and told me that I’ve changed since we met because I have been so sensitive recently. I told him that he has changed too because he has been so preoccupied, and that when he couldn’t get anything for my birthday, he had written a poem for me, and that I had loved that and thought it was really thoughtful. He told me that he hates how he has to pry everything out of me when I’m upset and asked if I didn’t see all of the things that he does for me on a regular basis. He said that he is doing his best. I was torn between feeling ungrateful for getting so upset about a stupid gift, and feeling like he was just flipping the blame onto me. I ended up apologizing to him. He does do a lot for me, I do a lot for him too, and I feel like that is beside the point. He told me that he wasn’t going to just get me nothing, but that seemed like exactly what he had been saying.
Anyway, we both calmed down and decided to order pizza later that day. When we were going to pick it up, we had extra time and ended up going to the grocery store. While we were there, he picked a chocolate bar and bought it. Then he said “I got you something, you probably saw it.” I usually wouldn’t have been bothered by this, but emotions were already high. As much as I hate to say this, I had hoped that after all of this he would have wanted to make a point of going to the store on his own to get something.
Now I just keep ruminating more. I don’t want to bring this up again and this is absolutely not the hill I want to die on. I just want to drop it and have a good Valentine’s Day regardless of all of this, but I feel like I can barely keep it together. I just keep having obsessive thoughts about this and I am having such a hard time stopping them. I don’t want to be ungrateful about his gift but I feel so emotionally charged over this that I could see myself losing control over my emotions and crying when he gives me the chocolate bar. I really really don’t want to do that. This all feels so stupid and I can’t believe I am so worked up over a valentines gift. I’m sorry this is so long, but it feels kind of therapeutic just to get it out. If anyone reads all this and has any tips for letting go of unresolved relationship issues or controlling obsessive thoughts, it would be really helpful.
