toothless5

Thanks everyone. This is way, WAY off topic. But, I think my struggle is......my version of flirting is often ribbing, teasing, dry humor. But, that kind of stuff is so difficult to convey on dating apps or via text message or whatever. Even a previous boyfriend of mine, who knew my sense of humor in person, struggled with it. He would get upset and call me critical, when I was just trying to be playful, but he just didn't take it that way. So here I am (in my mind) being playful, and he's interpreting it as brash and harsh. And herein lies my problem. In the initial stages, I am a normal person having normal conversations. But, then the more and more I like a guy, the more and more flirty and playful I get, which could come off as abrasive. Which means, the more I like a person, the more likely I am to drive them away. With Facetime guy, I hadn't even gotten to playful/abrasive stage yet. He got out before it could get that far which...probably good choice by him, honestly.

I appreciate it. But, the fact of the matter is...I'm hopeless. I just need to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen. Ever. Not via dating apps, not via real life....not surprisingly or unexpectedly. Never.

This is somewhat similar to my suspicion as well. Originally, my thought was that we was busy in preparation for his trip, then he went on his trip. So...that made sense to me. My current suspicion is maybe not that he met someone, but maybe there was already someone in the rotation- and maybe that person met someone else THEY wanted to talk to, and they lost regular touch....which is when our communication started to become more regular. Then.....this other person popped back in the picture. And, here we are. I could be wrong. As far as timeline- we started our regular communication about 2 weeks ago. Then, about 10 days ago, he asked for a video chat, which I agreed to, but he got in late, and I had fallen asleep. So the next day (last Sunday), I asked about that evening, which worked for him, so we did a Facetime. He texted me for a bit Sunday night after the video chat. And we texted Monday evening. That's the timeline in a nutshell. Trust me- I know the online dating game. I myself am talking to a number of people- but most of them aren't really going anywhere. Just talking to pass the time. So, I would also be surprised if he weren't talking to other girls of course.

Phew, I have a LOT to reply to....there are some comments that I will try to reply to individually. But, I do feel the need to clarify a few things. Me being "busy." I am not sure where this came from, and I apologize if I didn't clarify. No, he didn't ask me for plans multiple times and I was busy every time. He asked me once, and once again, we were BOTH out of town. I was out of town over the weekend, but he was actually out of town most of last week and over the weekend. I have no clue how this turned into me being "too busy." When he was out of town for longer than I was. I did not feel pressured or obligated at all. I was essentially giving HIM an out. I know what it's like to meet someone that you've talked about doing this, that, and the other; it's happened to me a number of times. I meet a guy, not attracted to them. But, they've bought me dinner, and we've already had this anticipation building up. So, usually....almost always...I end up going through with it. So...like I said, the way I phrased it, the way I intended it, was to tell him that hey, if you're not feeling it, there's no pressure to do it. Many of you have mentioned that it was unnecessary to say this; and I see this now. But, that was essentially my purpose...just to give him an exit ramp, I guess. Now, I will go through and reply to specific comments as necessary.

So....this is sort of complicated. So, when we did video chat, he made a comment on how it was 2 months coming. And, I was thinking, huh? No way it's been that long. But sure enough... We did start talking back at the end of May. But, then we didn't message again until mid-June. And, about every 7-12 days since. But not full conversations....just check-ins. It wasn't until within the last couple of weeks that we started really talking regularly. So, officially, it's been a couple of months. But, it feels much shorter, at least to me. That said, the moment that we started regularly talking, I was game to move it forward which is why when he suggested Video Chat, I was 100% on board, immediately. And if it had been a normal week for us, I would have been up for a date later in the week.

So, I (37) matched with a guy (35) on a dating app. We didn't message back and forth each other a ton. Just a little here and there, before he asked about doing video chat. This seemed pretty positive to me. Rarely, as in almost never, does a guy ask for or offer video chat. And, even better.....he looked exactly like his profile. Not a catfish. Shocking, but again...positive. We had a really lovely video chat. Toward the end of which, he asked when he could see me. Great. I was out of town this weekend, which I informed him of. Which worked out because he was also out of town most of the week into this weekend. The only day we could have done, theoretically, was Monday, but Monday is my very worst day as far as work goes. So, I suggested sometime this coming week. Since we were both going to be out of town, it just made sense. He said something to the effect of "It's already been this long. What's another week?" He texted me after we hung up, and told me that he "thoroughly enjoyed" our video chat, and he was happy to see I looked like my profile. We exchanged a couple of texts further, then off to bed. We then texted Monday evening; it went relatively well. He was engaged. It was flirtatious. He mentioned hoping that he could kiss me when we went out. I told him I would like that. But didn't want to put any pressure on it. I didn't want there to be any obligation going into it. He said he completely understood, and that he had no issue with it. I replied that I was glad we were on the same page. Annnnnd......that's the last I heard from him. Now, granted...I knew he was out of town most of the week, and I myself was very busy dealing with work issues, and also preparing to be out of town for the weekend, so...I wasn't terribly concerned. But, once the weekend settled down, I sent him a picture, told him I hoped he was having a good weekend; and....no reply. Now...he hasn't unmatched from me. And, he hasn't blocked me (at least as of yet). So....I guess I have a small sliver of hope. My friends have told me not to overthink it, he's probably just busy. But...I can't help but second-guess and analyze and try to figure out where I went wrong.

Of course....and it didn't bother me that he was busy and couldn't do anything that Friday. What bothered me is that he disappeared when I suggested it. When I suggested the same thing he had suggested 10 minutes prior.

But....HE is the one that made the christening joke to begin with. That's what I don't get. Why even be suggestive if you don't want to...you know, follow through on the suggestiveness? If he hadn't made that comment, we probably would have completed a completely normal and platonic conversation. He is the one that went there first. Also, do you consider making plans for a hang longer than an hour ahead of time to be something BF-ish?

I would like to add some context and maybe an example. This is not a case of me reaching out to him and cold asking him to hang and him simply not replying. These cases are such that we are in the middle of conversations....and he just drops from the conversations on a dime. Here is a recent example: we were having a normal, standard conversation. (via text) About life. We had recently built a guest house, and I was telling him how it was pretty much done, just about. His response? "Sounds like you need to 'christen' the guest house ;)" I just chuckled. But, we talked a bit more about some of the logistics, finishing touches and what not. Then, I ask him, "Hey what are you doing Friday?" "Working. Why?" "Well, I am free this Friday. wink wink. In case you wanted to christen that guest house." Then silence. Then no response. Then....nothing from him for 5 days. But, this is not a one time thing. This is how it goes every time. It's not me asking him to hang out, from out of nowhere. It's being in full conversations and then, he disappears. Bear in mind, he is the one sending sexy memes. He is the one making suggestive comments. Then, the second I put myself out there with it....he's gone.

I know that it is not technically ghosting. I am using it in the sense of....one minute things seem fine, and the next minute, they have fallen off the face of the earth. I like that. I will have to try it sometime. Okay for one, I do not expect a free meal. And, we DO take turns. In fact, I got dinner the last time. My whole point with the dinner thing was just....that it's a small price to pay, in the grand scheme of things. You see nothing wrong with not responding or ignoring?

The sex is pretty great. But...I get what you mean.

For real, if I don't start showering by 5 am before work...I don't even bother. My hair takes at least an hour to dry...even with a hair dryer. Much longer if I air dry. If I don't let my skin dry, I get itchy, so I don't generally get dressed till I am completely dry. Also...I wear my hair in messy buns a lot, almost always.....so it typically takes 45 minutes to comb the tangles out of it. Then, when you figure in shaving, which could be quick or could be lengthy....and brushing the teeth, which could be quick or could take a few times...it may not be 3 hours, but it could certainly be a couple. I have before....been already showered and hair dry.....so all I needed to do was brush my teeth, then no, I don't worry about my leg hair....then in that case, sure, I can be pretty quick. As far as paying for sex....I don't view it like that....I just view it as the F part of FWB. Heck, I bought during our last dinner together. So, no, I don't expect him to pay for dinner for the sex. We don't even have to do dinner. We can just watch youtube for a bit, for all I care. My point was that dinner is a small price to pay, by comparison.

Not trying to impress him at all. I don't even wear makeup usually. I mentioned it in another reply but...we are just talking the very basics of getting clean and presentable.

Even if I were to concede this is the case....it probably is....then why doesn't he jump on the opportunity for sex when I throw it out there? If he knows I am in the mood, and likely to give it up...then you'd think he would reply...and at the very least if his schedule doesn't allow....say, "How about tomorrow?" Why give up a sure thing?

I don't. Anytime he suggests something list minute....or something that feels icky....I decline.