saint_saul

I don't like it when I meet a guy for a first time and he is quiet, just because it makes the situation 10x more awkward than it could be. It's not necessarily your fault, though -- the first time I spent time alone with my ex b/f, we didn't have anything to say to eachother. Afterwards, I was contemplating dropping him (just like she was/is) because a relationship seemed really incompatible. But we stuck through it, and it obviously worked (just like you said). It's sounds like this woman needs to take things A LOT more slower, physically and emotionally. Maybe she's just pent up because of the divorce and whatnot, but you're a human, too, and relationships take time. It sounds like you already have everything figured out so use your best discretion.

Crazy's right -- her excuses are incredibly lame. She called off the wedding.. have you guys had a serious conversation as to "why" yet? Is the only issue at stake you being anti-social, or it doesn't feel right in her gut? I think you should probably have another talk to find out specifically what is going on. Four weeks is a lot of time and it's possible that she'll end up changing her mind. Maybe after having that talk, you should give her some space (as much as possible while still living together) and reflect over her/the relationship. Sometimes couples just need some time apart to see the bigger picture and renew good feelings. It sounds like she might be stressed over a couple of things like work and school.

Heya there. I'm a little confused -- are you two no longer officially together? If that's the case, I would start up NC immediately. It sounds like she's being insensitive with her actions (intentionally or not), which is something you definitely don't need to deal with. Ignore this guy, and stop visiting myspace -- seriously. Getting upset over whether you are "8" or "10" is pointless in the larger picture; you need to find someone who isn't going to mess with you like that.

Perhaps you can express some (more?) interest to your friend and see if you can throw another bar night. If your friend takes the hint, he'll be invited again and you can establish whether or not he's interested (and get his # if he is). I don't think it's too 6th grade-ish at all, unless you snoop for his last name and go through an entire phone book .

Hey there, I've put a guy into this exact same situation before, so maybe I can offer some insight. First, she cares about you and still finds you attractive. The long distance issue probably has caused her to question her feelings emotionally, which led to the conclusion "maybe I really don't find him sexually attractive." In short, here's my advice: give her space. Talk to her when she calls occasionally, but don't act too clingy. After some reflection or something, she'll be thinking of you and that spark will come back. Sometimes, you just need a little space. Good luck!

I love this, but maybe it's because I'm such a walker .

You have the right idea -- back off for a little while. It's hard to tell what might be going on with her, so put the ball in her court by seeing if she messages you any time soon. I wouldn't leave your # on her machine -- might come off as way too clingy/interested. Maybe next time she does get a hold of you, try being slightly unavailable (but still geniune).

Heya Jaffa. I've thought about it, but I've never tried. Sometimes, though, it seems like everytime I do think about it, I get a little closer -- and that worries me when I'm in a more rational mood. Whenever I feel down and I have one of those lapses (aka pure raw emotion), it just helps to let it all out. I'm a visualize learner, so I think about falling through the floor. It's a weird feeling, but there's something comfortable about it (by the way, got it from one of Mitch Hedberg's joke.. like "why is the floor as far as I can go?" or something). You have talents, even if you haven't discovered them yet. Look around you: do your peers have any sort of advantage? Chances are they're in the same boat -- only a few really know when they're made for something so young. I remember talking to this photographer who said he didn't even use a camera until he was in his 40s. Before that, he had some job completely unrelated. Photography became his passion, and ten or twenty so year later, he really loved his work. It was clear from talking to him he was confident of what he was doing, and happy. Give yourself some time to discover that talent. ps: If it comes down to being a drunk on the street, why not try some male modeling?! You looked pretty attractive in the "post your pic" post!

Hey there, It sounds like things are going great, so congrats! To answer your question, it could "happen" anytime. If things keep going nicely, it might come up in conversation -- or you might have that "special" moment that pretty much says it all. More likely than not you won't have to assume anything, and if you feel like you are in that position, you'd be better off asking him directly in case things aren't as you think they are. Regardless, good luck =).

ENDING THIS THREAD! Thanks to all the people who continue to reply, but if you read a few (about 5, 6, maybe even 7) pages back you'll see that I've already decided what to do. I think this is turning into more of ideological argument than it is my own situation, which I don't have a problem with at all -- but maybe we should start a new thread. (If anyone noticed, I haven't posted in a while). As much as I appreciate additional perspectives, my "situation" has been misconstrued a couple of times. And although this generated a lot of enotalone attention, this was not at all a big deal in my "real" life -- you know, the one with my boyfriend SO, do me a favor, and discontinue the replies! Feel free to make another thread if you want, though.

FCT, I'm not sure if you're responding mostly to me or Caterina. I don't lay out boundaries at the start of a relationship and I don't care about a lot of the things you mentioned (cursing, the discovery channel?..)

Caterina -- I guess the porn thing is kinda weird but what you said was right, his reaction was what really concerned me. DN, I agree with A LOT of what you have to say, but I don't see the relevance of most of it in this situation. For instance, I agree that a partner can do a number of things that may be annoying, and I also agree that sometimes you should just let go. That's the route I had originally intended and am still taking. Any conflicts here? I also agree with that trivial things (like appearance of hair or politics.. although that isn't necessarily trivial to some people if you intend to be open minded) should not break up a relationship. That's why I'm still with my boyfriend and he's still with me =). I'm not sure why you mentioned "constantly talk about the things you disagree with.." because my boyfriend and I actually don't constantly disagree! I'm pretty sure I said in an earlier post that the convo we did have was short -- were you just inferring that we constantly had arguments or what? Little confused and offended there. And, while I agree that some arguing can be seen as "nagging, "controlling," and so forth, that's not how my boyfriend chose to "see" it. I also agree with your "basic definition of controlling," although I think it's too simplistic for everyday situations like this one. If I found someone I truly loved and they were a smoker, which I opposed, would me asking them to curb their smoking habits be controlling to you? You might say "Why mention it?" (as you said above) but what if it was affecting more than one person's health -- like kids? The end of your comment was contradictory; you say in the former statement that you shouldn't mention these trivial things and the latter "it's okay to discuss or make requests." Which is it? In my situation, I used perfect discretion -- not sure if you're implying if I did or did not. The only part I perhaps failed on was understanding my own motivations, but I can assure you they are way more deep than just wanting to be "controlling." Lastly, my thread has nothing to do with imposing moral or ethical beliefs. If I had moral/ethical issues, it would definitely start with porn, wouldn't it?

Oh, I forget to say something earlier I was going to mention -- sometimes I get the double standard of this. If we're watching a movie or something, and I say a guy is cute or make some similar remark, he'll say "Excuse me?" in a half-joking, half-serious way. I don't really do it often (I say stuff like that about girls I see as well) because I know that it hurts him, even if just a tiny bit. We all have image issues, and I don't like encouraging them. I think is sort of comparable to the Cosmo thing earlier -- he doesn't say specifically "don't do that" but he doesn't say "keep doing that," either. That's how I came accross with Maxim, not like "stop it right now."

I see what you're saying melrich and I agree, I think it some cases or ways, it can be more destabilizing than just not doing anything at all. There's just a fine line; kind of like you give, I give. At least, that has usually worked in my past relationships when it comes to small things. edit: Getting kinda late for me. Thanks for everyone's opinion and advice. I really appreciate it.

Annie, I see your point now in those two reactions. I can see how he maybe interpreted as I thought Maxim was too dumb, as I sometimes come off that way (intentionally/unintentionally). Or maybe he did think that I was telling him to cancel it immediately. I certainly don't want to sound like his Mom. Thanks for your opinion, though. I wasn't really upset either, but like someone pointed out, I think talking with my brother and his girlfriend skewed my perspective. I don't recall everything we talked about because the conversation was super short. I remember him saying it would take too much time and effort to cancel it, though.