DiscipleOfChange

trust me dude, I'm going through, kind of getting over the same thing. Before this semester, I had never seriously talked to girls in my class about non class stuff, but I made a summer resoultion and made a change of myself, both physically and mentally. So I just jumped off the cliff this semester, talking with random people and introducing myself. Now, I have my face out there and a number of people know me, both guys and girls and being known is a good thing. You gotta take a leap and believe me, it will bring results, it may take time, but every small step counts. In a way, it is like losing weight, significant weight loss takes time, and effort and you do it one pound at a time. So too is interacting with women, you have to start somewhere and let things roll. If nothing happens, then its all cool and you move on.

As far as what to say goes, start with,

"Hi, how are ya?, I'm x.

-When she tells you her name say "Nice to meet you Y, so, are you a freshman, sophmore...?

-Whatever she says, give a positive response like if she's in the same grade as you ssay" Great, Me too!"

-If she says she's in another class, comment that you know other people in that grade (if you do) otherwise, ask her what other classes she's in

- when she tells you, ask her how they're going, which one's she likes etc.

-Ask her if she's involved in any clubs on campus

- Ask about any hobbies she might have outside of school

- By this time, you may be thinking of questions based on answers she's give. Ask Them!

That's what I've done, and it seems to be working out for me, I'm not chatting everyone I meet up like that though, but I'm working on doing it more often.

All it takes is for you to take that first step

YOU CAN DO IT

Well, it actually was more in suggestion format rather than direct questioning. As far as body language, well I'm not sure how to read it, she didn't seem to turn away from me, and there certainly were other seats than the one next to me open when class started. And occasionally, after gaps in the convo, she would ask me a question, not directly a follow up but related to the topic we were discussing. I'm going to "lie low" for a day, seeing body language, just chatting, not talking about coffe or anything and come thursday, (in fact, I might even wait till friday) before I say, "Hey, why don't we hang grap something to drink at the Java Joint this afternoon?" (I'm not sure about adding the "My treat" part because, although I'd probably offer to pay when we go, I wan't it to seem as casual as possible upfront. But, I definitely am putting ice on the situation for a day or two, to see how things are and to consult with my advisors (online and otherwise)

That's my plan. Well, sort of, I mean since I see her in class I still plan on saying hi and having casual conversations with her but I plan on leaving it at that. So, I won't completely cut contact with her.

okay, here's ther esults of today's class:

I did more talking with her during the break and before class, getting to know some personal details, took a "point" hit by forgetting where she was from. But anyways, I asked her if she would be interested in meeting tonite to work on the paper and she said she had promised some friends she would hang out witht hem and she still had to write the paper. I asked her if Friday afternoon would be a good time and she said "yeah, maybe we could do it then" I asked about her cell and AIM and we exchanged numbers/SNs. So basically, I'm going to see if I can get together with her for coffee, but go about it casually. Do any of you think she might just be saying maybe to put it off? I can't really tell, but my instincts tell me to tread lightly. Obviously I'm going to play it cool but I'm putting more effort into having coffe with this girl because I have a class with her each day so I actually get a chance to see her and talk with her.

I figure, tomorrow in class, in fact, not until thursday will I bring up the coffe idea, unless she brings it up. I don't want to be pushy. i guess my question is, do you think she's interested in the coffee thing? I'm confident that she really is busy because I know people have friends and schoolwork to do. And, I have had productive conversations with her and we have exchanged numbers and stuff.

thoughts anybody?

~Mark

So for those of you familliar with my recent posts, I'm going to ask this girl in my class tomorrow if she wants to meet up at the campus coffee place tomorrow night to look over each other's papers that will be due in class on wednseday. Im hoping she'll be interested since I'll be suggesting a casual reason to meet. Of course, It'll be perfectly fine if she wants to meet another time. I know full well that I should just make this a working on the paper (if we meet tomoorow) and get to know a little about her thing. My plan is if it all goes well, after we finish, maybe offer to walk her back to her dorm and say something like: "it was really nice spending some time getting to know a little about you and how I would enjoy doing something like this again soon" And see how she replies. Do you think that's a good approach, or should I be more direct such as saying instead: "I'd really like to spend some more time with you outside of class, would you like to have lunch before class sometime?"

What are your thoughts?

~Mark

As long as you're doing what you feel is right, then that's all the justification you should need. I'll say that while it is admirable that you are not getting too close for fear of hurting him, it would be nice if you gave yourself a little more credit. I'm glad the two of you have been able to work it out

~Mark

Trust me dude, that she thinks you are cute is definitely a good thing. Now to get to the meat of the situation, That she doesnt mind you're younger certainly takes out one obstacle. If you drive, then taking her for a coffee is a good way to start. Talk to her about her interests outside of school. Talk to her about her plans for college. Talk to her about her life goals. You could give her your number, but don't drop any obvious hints yet, in fact, chatting with her more often and asking her for a coffee may be enough of a hint in itself. Although you should remember to keep the coffee as a 'get to know you better' sort of thing, albeit a 'get to know you better' sort of thing which will act as a building block for something more. you got to go out and grab the bull by the horns because A: girls like confidence and B: you'll never know if you don't try.

~Mark

Well, I would definitely ask her, since you might regret not doing so later on.. However, its been a while since Ive been your age and I dont really remember what girls were like back then, especially what their attitudes towards guys were. But I do remember middle school and well, people's personalities in middle school can be a tad, shall I say, shallow? If you want to ask her, you should because it should be your decision, not any one of ours. And the worst thing that can happen is she will say no and you can move on.

~Mark

First of all, the only way to officially tell if you won't grow any taller is by having an x-ray taken of your bones and seeing if the discs have closed. If that's the case, then the most you can do is appear taller, which comes from a number of things, shoes, hair, clothes, shirts that are a certain length can give the impression that a person is tall. As was mentioned earlier, posture is important too and while it wont do sanything physically, a person who is confident about themselves, including their height, appears "taller" as a person. And hey, I'm 19, 5'5" There are a lot of us not-so-tall folk out there and no matter what anyone says, height really shouldnt matter, infact, a shorter person, I've read is a more well designed, in evolutionary terms, person.

~Mark

The test will be the most accurate judge, however vomitting is a sign of morning sickness and, if you did ejaculate inside her so, its likely she may be pregnant

Well, I'm doing better. It may not mean much that I haven't actually taken her for coffee yet, but it sure means alot to me that I asked a second girl to go to the coffe house with me sometime this week and she said she'd be interested. If it doesn't materialze like the last one, thats no biggie because Im making strides by taking the initiative to ask her. I do have one questions however. I asked her for her number and told her I'd give her a call sometime to suggest a time to meet up. We do have a class with each other every day though, so I think it would be better to make the formal suggestion of a time in person. Do you all agree?

Well if you like him and want to try being closer to him than just friends, then by all means you should go for it. If you really are interested and he is genuinely interested too then that's special and doesn't happen very often. If you are unsure about how you feel though, don't rush into things. Remember "Fools rush in where wise men dare not go." So, think long and hard, but so hard that the opportunity passes you by and I wish you the best of luck

~Mark

I get stage fright real bad in front of good looking girls.

you an me both man. Well, you should definitely go for her. And as far as your ideas go, asking her to grap a bite to eat is a great idea. I know how hard it can be to keep up a conversation with a girl. If you're reaching for things to say, ask her about hat she did this past week, and if she had a good weekend and if she has anything exciting comeing up this week. Whatever she says, try to make up a follow-up question

~Mark

That's a perfectly reasonable question to ask of a doctor. In fact, that's a good way to start. After talking with you and asking you some wuestions, perhaps it might take more than one session, the doctor should be able to tell you if you have depression or not

~Mark

yeah dude, maybe thinking about thi too much. First of all, you're not automatically a boyfriend as soon as you ask her out and I'm told that when you officially gain BF status is a metter of opinion. While the Hang man idea is cute, I wouldn't do it that way. I guess it depend on how old you are too. and definitely don't be thinking about kissing her right after asking her out man. Thats taking things a light year or so too fast. Trust me, you get this set up in your head and then something goew wrong and you get really messed up in your head. My advice really depends on how old you are and if you are in middle school, high school or college

Well, sometimes guys just arent very talkative and that doesnt mean they're not interested or anything. sometimes, we just don't know what to say and so, nothing gets said. A lot of times it depends on the mood, the setting, a whole bunch of different things. i wouldn't worry about it too much although communication is an important part of human intereaction and probably an important part of developing and keeping a relationship

~Mark

Well, I know that if a girl approached me and just started talking to me showing she was interested in getting to know me, I would talk to her for sure. It all depends on how much of a go-getter the guy is, that is to say whether he's shy or really outgoing.

anything you two might have in common, such as classes or clubs is a good way to start. Other than that, just approach her at lunch and ask to sit with her. Don't ask too personal questions at first. Ask about her interests and ask follow up questions. Avoid questions she could answer with a simple yes or no.

~Mark

For the most part, I feel this year is coming along well. I've taken a nother step in my social-skill building life and have asked two girls for coffee. Now, the first one said yes but we didnt set up a time when I asked and she didnt return a message I left on her phone. The other had something to do after class but I'll ask her again on monday. I've gotten my face out there and people reckognize me and say hi.

But I still feel lonely sometimes.

I have a double room and no roommate, which is nice because of the space and privacy but in my case the downside is the silence. There just isnt anyone to talk to. I'm, convinced Ive got a grip on how I go about approaching women and I know Im not desperate for a relationship. But why do I still feel like having someone to hold? That's really all I want in a relationship. Not sex or passionate nights, rather just someone to hold hands with, cuddle up to and feel warm with.

here's another thing, this year, my second year at college, I've started drinking, every weekend. And I know Im not addicted. but I am always a little happier with a little something in me. I have NEVER gotten sick from drinking and never seriously injured myself. I just wish that I could have all the fun other people do without getting drunk. I just dont have a circle of friends. I mean I get a long with people but I'm not "tight" with anyone as many other people are. And I find that sometimes it doesnt bother me and other times it does. I've been reclusive all my life, and Im trying to change that, but I've gotten so use to doing things on my own I think I tend to default to that. Example: Its 7:47 on a Saturday night and here I am, alone in my room, writing a rant. I have homework I could work on but thats what Sunday is for. About half an hour ago I actually had to take a moment just to let out some tears and I dont know why.

I have a long pillow (they're called body hug pillows) and every night as I go to sleep I hold it as if there were someone next to me. Not really thinking about anyone specific but rather just someone else. Does anybody think this is weird?

Ill stop there because Ive gone on for too long but Ill summarize the questions.

1. Is it so bad that I tend to have a better time on the weekends with a little alcohol in me?

2. Is my view on a relationship not rational in a college environment

3. Is holding a pillow at night corny, silly or weird?

I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read or skim all this and offered any words of advice

~Mark

Well, here;s how I feel...

Personally, I think looks matter, at least initially. I don't mean a girl needs to be explosively hot, quite the contrary actually. I'm far more attracted to girl who don't flaunt their beauty. I suppose that means girls who are confident about themselves and don't pile on makeup and stuff. I think that people have to be at least marginally attracted to one another physically for things to work out. Personality is a huge factor too though.

and how do you mean bigger? However you mean it, whether stature, weight or bust, it all really depends. I'm 5'4" so I'm personally more comfortable with girls that are about my height. Weight, well, that's another delicate issue. I lost 16 pounds this summer. For myself but thought it has yet to show, also to be more physically attractive. This may sound callous to some people out there but, people who are overweight generally have the problem of being attracted to people who are in much better shape then they are. This gets complicated because those people usually wont find the other person attractive.

As humans, we can be fairly shallow creatures, at least initially, attracted based on looks. That's just how it is and unfortunately when you think about it an evolutionary sense, looks mean a whole lot more than personality.

~Mark

There's a difference between being prude and being 14 dude. There's nothing prudish about not letting a guy you just met kiss you, especially if you're 14. Get to know her better and if she's interested in you she may get more comfortable around you. But don't try to make her more complacent or willing. I don't think she's prude at all

I'm 19 and in the same situation as you: been single all my life. I've realized you have to take life in strides. Progress does happen, slowly but surely, even for those of us who some might consider "behind" in the game. My most recent big step has been actually asking a girl to have a cup of coffee with me. Now, she couldn't do it after class but I'm going to ask her on Monday about setting up another time. My point is that even though I didnt actually have coffee with her, I did ask (which was a first for me).

Additionally, one's attitude about relationships affects how easily one finds them. I have an attitude about what a relationship should be and how it should develop that might be more mature than that of my college aged peers. The important thing for me has been not feeling bad about being single. If you do, then finding a relationship becomes a desperate quest and a fruitless one. Being single isn't fun, I know. and I know the advice people give about relaxing and not letting it get to you can sound like BS a lot of the time (I mean, we're the ones who have never been in a elationship right? and the ones talking have)

Consider the following advice of my manager: "Don't expect every woman you meet to be the love of your life, for you to hold forever and forever. At the same time, DO expect every woman you meet to be a potential girlfriend."

It's good advice. And also consider this, while it would be great if the woman of our dreams came up to us on the street and threw her arms around us telling us how much she loved us and how long she'd searched for us, ...would that really, in the end, be as rewarding as finding her and taking the steps to make a relationship happen on our own?

Be strong and find other ways to spend your time. I sympathize with you, I really do. Don't let it bog you down and be confident. and 23 is not old dude.

May you find whatever iit is you are searching for in life/

~Mark

dude, from all the people out there who wish this was happening to them...GO FOR IT!!!!! Seriously this is an opportunity not many people get.

Okay, here's a brief synopsis of events so far:

Last Friday or Saturday night, a friend and I go over to our old dorm and say hi to people. We go upstairs and meet the female RA and talk for a bit.

The next day, I realize 'hey that girl was cute' and decide I want to get to know her better so I send her an email saying how it was nice talking with her and asking for her IM

She replies that she doesn have internet in her room but she was sure she'd see me plenty around campus

I send an email back saying that not having IM was fine and that I too was sure we'd see each other on campus but maybe we should grab coffe if we dont

She doesnt reply after 2 days so I go over to say 'hi' again. She has friends over so I meet them and hang out for a few minutes. She had to go to an RA meeting so I walk out woth her and ask if she likes coffee. she said yes and then I say 'would you like to grab a cup of coffe sometime?' She says yes and I ask her for her number and she gives it to me and I say I'll call

I call and leave a message about setting up a time and day to grab that cup of coffee at about 11:30 Am today and have yet to hear back.

She isn't in her room very much and is busy. And besides, I know that 12 hours is WAY too soon to be getting worked up and so Im relatively relaxed. Im just kind of excited because this is the first time Ive ever asked a girl to have a coffee with me. And on top of that she said yes.

So, a few questions.

1. How long should I wait after no response before I contact her again

1a. If I do end up contacting her again (assuming we dont bump into each other around campus) should I call and leave another message or go over and talk to her when she's in her room?

2. I've been told that I should wait until we've had coffe twice or a few times before popping a dinner question. what do you all think?

3. How does this linear progression of events look?

coffee x number of times --> Dinner--> movie in my room

Well, thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read this far and I appreciate any advice you might offer.

~Mark

Well, I haven't been through the same thing, and I'm only 19 so... I realized 6 moths ago that I had spent the last 10 years, having crush after crush on various girls. I realized I wanted to be in a relationship so badly (because I have never been in one) that I was acting desperate. I realized that what I had feared had become reality: That I wanted a relationship to feel accomplished, like everyone else. I've changed my viepoint and while I still would like to be in a relationship, I am more relaxed about it now. I fully understand the desire for companionship. Sometimes I just want someone to hold. It's lonely sometimes being single, but not having known the alternative, I can't say what that's like.