DiscipleOfChange

Well, and it really does depend on the girl, I don't have a preference with curly or straight hair. I have historically tended to prefer brunettes. Eyes really don't make a difference. Less make-up is always better and lips...geez I dunno. And as far as skin goes I suppose I'd say light.

an interesting yet very common prediament indeed. I'm not in a relationship, but I can certainly tell you that for many students, the baggage you pick up and shoulder when you're involved with someone can certtainly put a strain on the psyche. Add this to the stress from your studies and you may have quite a problem. Now, I also know people for whom mixing relationships with academics works out quite well. Yet another perspective comes from the tragic romantic in me, whih says (having never had someone feel attracted to me) that you should welcome the affection and that having someone with whom you can be intimate, to any degree, can be more comforting than you can imagine.

~Mark

Of late, I too have regressed. What we have to is focus on the small things, however small they may be that give us joy. Surely, there must be aspects of your life which make you smile and say "wow! I'm happy" or "Hey, that's not too shabby! You're doing well kid!" They say that it helps to find something your passionate about and to put all you have into that. Example: I really can't sing worth a damn, but I can play guitar half-decently and it makes me happy to strum something out and make up lyrics. I stopped caring what people thought about my voice because when I did, I always got sad and lost interest in playing.

The truth is, there are people in this world with whom you just wont ever get along well. There will be days that you feel like, well...shi* for lack of a better word. You can trust in that. So too can you trust in the fact that there will be days when you feel like you're "the man" and things couldn't be better. My philosophy is as follows:

Those days in our lives, filled with sadness and despair, are the cornerstones of our very existence. Likewise, our lives would not be complete without joyous days and happy moments. The important thing to remember is that one cannot exist without the other. For without knowing sorrow, we could not know joy. In a sick way, they define each other so that we can easily recognize them. Consider the questions: "You say today is a bad day but how is it a bad day?" "What is it about today that marks it as dissatisfying?" In order to answer these questions, you have to know what a "good" day is.

I hope this helps. feel free to IM me anytime you want to chat.

~Mark

well, historically, I have been attracted to brunettes and redheads more often than blondes. Also, I have tended to be attracted to girls my height or shorter. I guess those charcteristics qualify as "type" preferences

In class today, my gaze met with that of a girl on the other side of the room on several occasions, one of which I think I saw her crack a smile. So after class I went up to her and introduced myself. I then headed over to the coffee shop on campus and saw her there. Even though I was almost done with my espresso, I just hung around. She eventually sat down, I asked her a few questions, like what classes she was taking, what year she was etc. Not really sure how this will work out but I have class with her on tuesdays and thursdays so Maybe on thursday I'll suggest lunch or something casual.

It sounds like you're more interested in girl number 1 and since she's the single one, that might make things less complicated. however, don't let yourself get fixated on her to the extent that if you don't develop a relationship, it would make things awkward. And as far as ideas for asking out go, my general reccomendation has been taking her for coffee at a local coffee house.

hmm, annie24's comment:

what's better is catching his glaze for like 1-2 seconds, smile, and look away.

is quite valid. Though I wouldn't mind if I noticed a gilr gazing at me, actually I might find it rather nice, the instances when gazes meet briefly for a second or two can be equally intense.

well, I asked the friend wo lives on the floor and here's the deal:

Right now she's just interested in being friends.

Which is great, becuase I'm perfectly happy just having her as a friend and it doesn't mean we can't hang out or anything. But now at least I can move on, meet more people and get to know other girls. sure its a bummer, but you gotta roll with whatever rolls you. And at least she's interested in being friends. So, I can continue to get to know her, hang out in a totally friendly way.

Thanks for all the help along the way guys, I've really appreciated it.

~Mark

Okay, here's the situation (this is still the same girl as with my previous posts)

So I called her today and asked if she wanted to hang out and she said she was working on a lot of homework but maybe later in the day. So I called her back later and we set up that we would go for a walk at 9. I go over at nine and she says that two friends of hers wanted to go for a walk too and would tha tbe a problem. I said not at all. Occasionally, her two friends walked a little bit ahead of us and she and I walked side by side.

Here's the deal, I don't know what to make of this. I'm no fool and I gather that if she were totally interested in me, she would probably have come alone, but the fact that she brought friends can mean one of the following:

1.) absolutely nothing

2.) her friends wanted to see what I was like

3.) she isn't interested and is trying to let me know subtly

4.) she might be interested but wanted to have friends come along with her.

or perhaps none of the above. I'm going to consult with one of her friends that came along (who happens to live on my floor and whom I know)

Any thoughts though are welcome and much appreciated.

as far as basic tactics for approaching her go, it isn't extremely difficult, but what exactly do you mean by playing around?

Listen and listen good!

This is a very delicate issue. Many will tell you that the best and most sincere friends will repect you for the choices you make in relationships. These same people may also say that the best of friends always have your best interests at heart. The trick is to find the line that averages these two very valid points. In high school, there is a stifling belief that being "cool" is where everyone should be. But people who reach the apogee of their social arc in high school stay there forever. Know this, if you truly are interested in this girl, then you should go for her.

But recently i have gotten attracted to her and have started thinking that I would die before letting anything hurt her.

unfortunately, the above feelings are frequently present in a crush or infatuation. You see my friend, what I have learned is that you can only say you "love" someone after you have spent a significant ammount of time with them in the context of a reciprocative relationship. I would say that you're situation ismore likely this:

Having known her for 9 years, having grown older and more perceptive to female looks, you begin to find her attractive. The feelings of protectiveness may quite likely be the offspring of your friendship with her and your new found physical attraction to her.

If you don't know if you love them or not - you probably don't.

extreme though this may be (and believe me, realizing this about yourself can be one tough mother of a bullet to bit) it is nonetheless an important point. you must learn to reckognize the difference between physical attraction and genuine "love" and the lines between the two can seem as blurry as 20/400 vision.

continuing update (still the same girl)

So anyways...in class on firday, I sat next to her and we didn't really talk because that class doesnt have a break and so you can't have a conversation without the class and prof noticing. Anyways, at the end of class, having remembered she had told me she was going to madison on saturday, "Well Hannah, I hope you have a fun time in Madison, but you'll be back on sunday right?" and she said yeah. And then I said, "Well maybe I'll call you on sunday and maybe we can get together or hang out." She said "I have a lot of homework, but we'll see"

So basically, this is how it is. I want to play things COOL. since I too have a ton of homework, I will probably not call her on sunday, if I see her on campus though, I will stop and chat with her for a bit and then see if she has any plans for the evening. If I don't see her, I'll just see her in class on Monday.

My "plan" I guess you could say, is see how this next week goes. I'm not a defeatist and I put all my chips in on thursday and we did actually have coffee together. So, I wan't to see how things play out. I'm prepared to move on though if after this next week, I don't get any vibes or sense some reason to try to develop something with her.

I'm not really asking for advice here but I always welcome input.

~Mark

Get to know her first before deciding that you like her. You're attracted to her, but how can you like her yet?

A very important, albeit hard lesson to learn. Well said, well said. What the original poster needs to realize is that, physical attraction is how we are generally first drawn to people. And there isnt anything wrong with that. What you have to understand is the distinction between liking someone and finding someone attractive. And unfortunately, you can't know if you like someone, until you've spent some time, interacting with them in a casual, non-relationship way. Its okay to drop hints because, by hanging out with her and asking her about herself, you will be subtley letting her know you're interested. Don't be concerned with how long it takes OR whether it turns out in your favor. You may discover (and it may be a hard thing to accept) that infact, the two of you don't have a whole lot in common and while she really is a nice, cute girl, that if you became involved with her it wouldn't be as special as it could be with the right person.

Points in case:

1. Get to know her well, that is her likes and dislikes, her hobbies and interests, BEFORE fixating on her in your mind

2. DO spend casual time with her but don't be pushy about it. If she says she isn't free on the afternnoon or morning you ask to hang out/have coffee, don't let that stop you. Casually suggest another time and when she says yes or maybe, leave it at that until the day or the day before the tentative meeting.

3. Do sit next to her in class, even if you don't talk alot, or very much at all, getting physically closer to her will help ease whatever tension there may be

4. Do interact with other people, her friends and just any other people on a casual basis. This will help get your name and face out there which will help you connect with her and other students

5. Remember that it will take time to get up to a comfortable level of interaction with girls you're interested in and even more time still before anything actually develops.

6. Patience is a virtue and with baby steps, you'll make noticeable progress

I'm 23 and I like a girl who's 19.

In today's culture however, a 19/23 relationship is generally more accepted than a 17/14 relationship. At least from what I've heard.

Now for the advice, which applies accross age barriers:

You just have to approach her one day and say something like: "Hi, I've seen you around a lot but I don't think I've formally introduced my self. My name's (blah).

That should do for starters. And even though peoole are different in high school, the same tactics should work out for you

~Mark

What types of body language should I look for? I have her in two of my classes and see her every day so...her looking at me, how she sits...what?

And in response to Chai...I asked her about her cats, her movie tastes, how her classes were going. There were lulls in the conversation, but I feel it went well. I'll think of some stuff to talk about next time I see her, like asking her about her experiences with Amigos de las Americas. I know I got to look for something the next time I see her to judge how to proceed, I just don't know what.

basic final question: Exactly what body language should I look for?

Are you a guy or a girl?

OK! I had coffee with her and it was nice. WE talked casually and I paid for her chai. She was twirling a twister thingy at some points, which may have indicated she wasn't exactly enthralled, but hey...this was JUST COFFEE and that's how I wanted to keep it. So, I walked back with her towards her dorm and she stepped off the sidewalk to go to her place and I said that it was fun and we should do it again sometime. She thanked me for the chai and headed off. I don't know where to go from here, I didnt get the vibes for asking to set up another specific meeting, but I'll definitely chat with her in class and maybe next week ask her to have lunch together or something. And if nothing comes of it, Im on good speaking terms with her and that's good and I'll move on, take another girl to coffee, continue getting more confident and roll with whatever rolls me

YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY

Gotta keep it cool tho. 8)

un hun, tha's right

~Mark

(raises hand) I do.... ; ) I mean, I like girls who are on the shy-er end of the spectrum. I actually think its kind of cute. I'm working on my outoging nature. The thing is, yes sometimes two shy people would be great for one another, but how would they meet?

Yeah, some guys do it more than others. In latino culture theose things (honking horns and stuff) are called piropos. Its just a way for guys (I stress SOME guys) to be guys or inflate they're ego. But I don't do it, I mean, I'll think to myself that a girl is really atractive, or I might talk with the guys I work with after she leaves the store and they'd be like, Yeah. She was a DIME.

why do people make love, and not make 'lust'?

Because in the US especially we try to make sex something taboo and saying "make love" buts a nice warm blanket over the issue and gives it a bottle of milk. Actually, you can call it whatever you want. Personally I think that relationships built on lust arent built to last. I will say however that what first attracts a person to another...wait for it (and lets be hones here folks)...is looks. thereforeeee, physical attributes and consequently, a feeling of lust.

Love takes time to build, a person who has a crush on someone else can't possibly know if they "love" the person, nor for that matter "like" tha person until they have spent a great deal of time with the apple of their eye. All it is at first, no matter how long we quantify "at first" to be, is lust.

Now, to the nature of men vs women, I'm sure there are both men and women out there of all ages who have more lustful intentions than intentions based on love. I actually think part of the problem in college relationships, (not that its bad or anything, I just don't agrre with it) is the prevalence of casual sex between people. And I'm talking about both one night stands and flash-bang relationships where people have sex within a week after getting involved with one another. I'm not like that and so, for me, love is not only more important, it means everything.

However, "lust" in a way is still important in a loving relationship, actually more specifically intimacy, attraction, sexual compatibility.

this is true, sex and intimacy are important parts of a relationship, but as far as Im concerned, sex isnt something you throw around and have without thinking about and making sure its what both people want

wow, that actually sounds really good man! thanks. I wont plagiarize you but I'll use the idea.

Thanks

well, he may very well already be noticing you and he may just have a style of approaching you. this stuff can be so confusing because some girls are the kind who you should wait for them to make the move and others you just have to take initiative. So, you should try to sit next to him one day and start up a conversation. I dont know abotut other guys, but man, it would be great f a girl I had my eye on CHOSE to sit next to me when there were plenty of other seats open, which idoesnt necesarily mean anything, except to say that if a girl or guy for that matter definitely wasn't interested, they would probably consciously decide not to sit next to you so sitting next to the person wither means you're neutral or are interested to some degree

~Mark

until I got a job in retail. When you're basically required to talk to girls of all ages, it helps loosen you up in similar situations at school.

That is so true. One reason I'm probably having an easier time is because of the retail job I got over the summer. I didnt think about it until now how much it paid off socially.

~Mark

I'll take your advice into consideration guys, with thanks. I just feel that saying "Let's" is a bit pushy and not really giving her an option and while yes I do want her to say yes, I want to come off as pushy

So tell me how this sounds, when chatting with her on Friday, find out what she's doing for the rest of the day and THEN say, "Hey let's go to the java joint (insert time here)"

You know, I might feel more comfortable using "How 'bout" instead of "Let's" it is still a question, because of the "how" I know but it doesnt sound as pushy

thoughts?