DiscipleOfChange

Maazel Tov, Felicitazioni, Felicitaciones, Bravo!

So basically, there is this girl who I see on wed nights because we watch the same TV show. There isn't really a lot of time to talk because we don't talk during the show and commercials are short. I've talked a little bit with her. Today I asked when she usually eats lunch and dinner, and she said lunch usually depends on the day and dinner usually around 5 at a certain table. She said though she would send me a message telling me what happened in the last part of the show (I had to leave early).

So basically I know I need to keep it chill, but I'd like to find some occasion to talk with her other than on wed night, but I want to be real careful before I say, hey, let's meet up for lunch or dinner at the cafeteria.

Any suggestions?

~Mark

I believe that the best of friends will give you the advice you need to hear, whther you want to hear it or not. At the same time, I believe that the best of friends only give this to you in the form of constructive criticism. All friendships have rough patches. Despite these patches, I feel that there has to be acceptance on both sides. Each friend, in order for the friendship to succeed, must acknoledge the other's character in its totality. Nobody's perfect, but there's always room for self improvement.

I do not feel you are being a big baby at all. I think your friend is either going through enough of her own issues that for right now, she can't handle yours OR (and I hate to be so blunt) she's not the closest of friends.

im over-exaggerating my problmes and my depression... that Im just attention seeking.

Those are fairly harsh words, more so coming from a friend. Interestingly enough, the acusation of being "attention seeking" or being "starved for attention/affection" is used far too frequently without consideration. The truth is, as humans, we all seek attention and affection. We are designed to crave it. In fact the two greatest sources of protection early man had from the creatures of the night were fire and the company of other individuals.

A good friend should realize that working through issues takes a long time and I emphasize a long time; years even. The fact that you're seeing a counselor is admirable and demonstrative of your dedication to getting "better" however that defines itself for you.

Another problem often found in many friendships is that one person often feels that the level of reciprocation is unblanced; one friend is being more of a friend than the other. Oftentimes however, the people involved are looking for different things from the friendship and sometimes, one person needs more than the other.

I think you should consider having a discussion with your friend about the state of your frinedship and try to discuss the issues that each of you is going through to try to understand the cause of the strife.

~Mark

I feel like I can see him and I together happy. But i just

cant block those feelings.

Something I can relate to very much. The thing is, at least for me, I've seen myself happy with many a girl. Which begs the question: are some people simply looking for love itself? None of us ever want to ruin a great friendship and usually, we can squeeze out of this difficult situation while salvaging the frienship. However, as many a person here I'm sure can relate, getting over the feelings you have takes time, whether its a day or a week.

Surprisingly enough, telling the person or otherwise letting them know our feelings often proves to be the easiest and most difficult thing to do. On the one hand, it lifts a great burden off our backs: our little "secret". On the other hand, you're dealing with 50/50 odds, which is risky business. And with the game of love, a bet that big means you have to go all in.

The darndest thing is everyone says have patience and be a friend first. Sadly, this seems to last a lifetime for many of us. Simply put, the first rule of attraction is you don't want to be a friend, you want to be a love interest. I've learned the hard way, as I'm sure many others have, that you have to force yourself to wait. Two people RARELY fall in love with each other at first sight. I mean, if it happened often enough, I probably wouldn't be here and I'm sure many others wouldn't.

So what's the moral of the rambling? The statistics say be a friend, but ever so delicately and with the greatest touch of panache, move things in the direction of something "more"

I hope it all works out for you and I'll knock on some wood for ya!

~Mark

I suppose this is the right place to put this.

So basically, I think one reason I screwed up with this girl I met on Saturyday night (although again, on IM she said when I wrote "I hope this won't make things awkard:

"no worries... lol you just called a bunch of times i got the wrong impression"

i said I hoped we could still be friends and she said "sure"

Basically, I know what I did wrong, I got to hold her hand alot because she had a lot to drink. I let the feeling get to my head. I got attached, perhaps if only for a day or two. I'm sure there's something salvageable out of all this but what I'm concerned with is not letting it go to my head again the next time something like this happens.

I'm moving on, for thos of you that have been following my life story. There's this girl upstairs who watches this same weekly show as me. I'm figuring all I'll do tomorrow (the night of the show) is just talk with her, get to know her during commercials.

thoughts?

don't know. it is certainly cryptic, but he might be trying to say that "being friends" is usually easier at one end than th eother. Heck, one person has feelings and the other usually doesnt share them so it is going to be tougher for someperiod of time for the one with feelings. maybe he was trying to tell you that.

~Mark

lonliness is the WRONG one and can lead to further hart ache

True though this may be, we can't get creature comfort from ourselves or (in my case) other guys. As akew from the turh as our perceptions may be, it is nonetheless reassuring to know that there are others out there who share those sentiments. From where I'm sitting, I'd rather know what its like to have someone to hold, and get burned down the road if only to feel that feeling for a short while

well, speaking as somewhat of an introvert myself, I can say our search for friends can prove challenging. The truth is, you really just need to take the leap. Go clubbing perhaps. I wouldnt really know about life after college, but I can say (for better of for worse) alcohol has connected me to a lot of people. Truth is, you'll never meet anyone doing things alone. I keep wishing that were the case; that as an introvert, one could enjoy things by themselves and people would come up and introduce themselves and take part.

Go out for walks, go into coffee shops, look up community activities or things of common interest and go join them

~Mark

but It

would be nice to have someone to hold me and have someone

I can hold as well and talk to and Love...

I feel exactly the same way. In fact, i think I'd be happier and have less issues if I had someone to hold or someone to hold me for that matter. I've never been in a relationship, but I imagine it must be swell, despite the emotional baggage involved.

I cant relate to your feelings from being in a relationship, never having been in one myself. On the other hand, I can completely understand your desire to have someone to hold.

~Mark

An important thing to learn is simply not to talk, negatively at least, about others behind their backs. The truth is, however, that a great many people do it. There's an important lesson in this that I heard somewhere "Those that gossip with you gossip of you"

Of course, my personal opinion is that people are going to gossip about you anyway, but that's beside the point. While apologizing may seem useless (and depending on the severity of the remark it very well maybe) quite often it can make a difference.

I do know, from personal experience, that one shouldn't get in the habit of continually saying "I'm sorry" So, you should either get in the habit of not saying bad things about people or not caring what other people think or a bit of both.

Hope this helps

~Mark

well, to be honest with you all, I know exactly what happened.

I met her on saturday night. We had both had stuff to drink but she had drank a lot more than me. I was told to take care of her by her friends. I ended up holding her hand and having her arm around my shoulder for a good portion of the night. That being a first fo rme, I let it go to my head. Stupid me. So, i got attached. i tried to convinc emyself it wan't happening again, but I got my rude awakening today. At least, there may be a slavageble friendship, maybe. i'm pretty sure she doesn't think I'm a creep based on the IM conversation we had earlier this afternoon. Of course, i probably won't contact her, not for a while anyways and then maybe only a casual 'hello' on IM every now and then.

Perhaps this is for the best. After all, I learn equally well from screw ups as successes.

busted. we can still be friends, but I think you guys get the drift.

G-dDmnMe ](*,)

I guess I had to take a hit sometime. I need to clear my head

Okay, so basically I met this girl saturday night. I had a real nice time with her and everything. She's just looking for friendship though. So yesterday, I tried to have lunch and dinner with her but neither worked out. She couldn't do lunch cuz she was writing a paper and I stopped by her room on the way to dinner but she wasn't there. So today, i called and left a message on her cell saying maybe we could hang out or meet up for dinner. So far no reply. i REALLY don't want to screw up, and I've been doing pretty well so i don't think I have anything to worry about. My plan though is, If I don't hear back from her today, I'll just hold off till maybe friday. I mean if I see her online or on campus I'll say hi and maybe chat with her for a bit.

Thoughts?

mmm, hugging is nice. Kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy You know what this means though, sooner or later, i;m gonna need a fix HAHA, i've heard chocolate comes pretty close when nobody's around to hug

I'mnot sure where to put this, but I just thought I'd share a thought. I know it isn't love, but the sensation of holding someone's hand, giving them a hug and all, well, it seems like a powerful drug. A drug which i had my first "hit" of saturday night. I'm totally relaxed about it and all and I'm glad I now know what it's like, but man, it's like a drug. It just felt so.. comforting and peaceful. Do any of you hear agree with this analogy?

I realize you are only asking ladies for advice, but let me just say this: The sweetest words your girlfriend hears should be your words, not anyone elses. They should come from your heart. What's more, each woman is different but what's universal (amongst men and women) is that we all like being oved and when we're reminded of it, we really melt. So, that's my two cents

you should ALWAYS take the risk. Simply put, if you don't take the risk of finding out, you will never know. Besides, if you take the effort to show you're interested and ask them out, then they might say yes and you can go from there and if they say no, you can move on. I know that in the past, whenever I liked someone, I never did anything about it. Never asked them out or tried to just get to know them and that led me nowhere. I'm happier than i could imagine having taken risks. Sure, they're just baby steps, but I can say that I know what it feels like to hold hands with someone and I wouldn't know that feeling had I not taken risks

Trust me, the cops are in the business of caring. You should go to the police immediately. Today even.

I would agree that one month isn't long enough to fortify the feeling of "love" however, it certainly is a long enough time to develop feelings of comfort and warmth when your with the other person. So, he may very well find himself beginning to love her

As long as you say it quickly and succinctly and get it over with, then yes it sounds like a good plan. Something to the effect of: "Hey, I didn't mean for things to happen like this. I meant to persoanlly tell you how I felt rather than have you find out from my friend. I know you have a boyfriend though, but we can still be good friends."

I've never had to have this kind of a conversation, but I'm just throwing out ideas.

Well, at least she thinks you're cute and did like you at some point in the past. She has a boyfriend now, but the rate at which people fall in and out of love, at your age especially, may provide some solace. Just be cool about it and if she ever moves on from this boyfriend, let her work through the break up and then try to get closer. Remember this in the future, the fewer people you tell about a girl you're interested in, the smaller the chance she'll find out. People love to gossip and spread "hot issues". So, make sure you know and trust who you tell.

~Mark

Wouldn't it be nice if a bunch of us who post here all went to the same college? It seems like from looking at a lot ofp eoples post and comments, that many of us are looking for the same things. Everyone who's replied before me has offered up a lot of good advice. Don't change who you are for anybody else but yourself. Now, the thing about this is, if you feel like you will be happier about yourself if you were to change something, then do so. Exaple:

Before this year, I was attracted to girls, but never really acted on those feelings. This year, so far at least, I've had coffee with one girl. We're just friends, but it made a world of difference for me in terms of progress.

Im wondering how can I attract the intelligent, responsible kind of guy. I like a guy with more of a quiet confidence.

The thing about quiet confidence is, and I speak with a relative degree of personal experience since I feel your description somewhat describes me, is that meeting women presents more of a challenge for guys like us because, well, probably because of many factors. For one, we have a certain outlook on what a relationship should be and that isn't exactly the same thing the majority of other college students are looking for. Secondly, we just have a harder time approaching girls and engaging them in conversation.

A note on T-shirts and Jeans...Personally, I'm not attracted to the specific clothes a girl wears. In fact, T-shirts and jeans are often very cute. The key thing is how you carry yourself and present yourself. The clothes don't make the person, the personality does.

Hope this helps and if you'd like to chat, IM me at aneasfrommclean

~Mark

I've taken step towards getting closer to women. Hell, I've had coffee with a girl, I talk with people, greet them. I just, I don't want a relationship for the reasons a lot of other guys seem to. Not for sex, not to spend all hours of the day and night with. I just want somebody to hold me and tell me that it'll all be alright. I don't know what it feels like to be in love or be loved. I know it takes time and I know I gotta keep doing what I've been doing. And I know it'll take time, but I don't end up 30 or 40 and never know what love feels like. And hell, I'm almost 20. and I've never been in a relationship. I've danced with a girl once. I don't have many close friends. I mean I get along with people and I have 3 close friends. Some nights though, I just want to sit next to or lie next to someone and put my arms around them. Why is so damn hard?! Why do some people seem to have such an easy time of it? I'm reasonably attractive. I'm confidant most of the time, it's only some nights that I need to take a few minutes to collect myself. I keep telling people in posts that "if someone just walked up to us and threw their arms around us and said 'I love you' that it wouldn't be as rewarding." But hell, if someone did that for me, or even just said that they liked me, it would make a world of difference. Oh man, would it make me feel good. It's like I've said on som eposts. All humans are driven and thus NEED 3 things: Friendship, Love and accomplishment. They're all connected but not a single one can replace another.

Alcohol's a bitc*. It really is tru that it only enhances how you're feeling when you drink; it doesn't make you happy all the time. Shi* I wish I had somebody to chill with. But it's Friday night, and that means time to spend all by myself. and since nothing's happening on campus...

I've droned on for too long. all comments are welcome and appreciated.

~Mark

Remember this, a lot of them can't help it.

well said. It's true too. Some us aren't as gifted socially and sometimes we get a lot of crap for it, or people talk amongs themselves about how "socially inept so and so is." There are a host of reasons why a person might be "socially inept" Many are beyond their control, others can be changed. People for whom social situations and making friendships present a challenge require extra effort on the part of others to make them feel welcome. The best thing you can do is be kind to them , talk with them, greet them with a smile, ask them to hang out with you. It'll make a world of difference to them; I know.

For many people who feel socially inept or not as skilled, they really spend a lot of time sitting around, looking for something to do or someone to talk to. After a while, we get used to it so it doesn't bother us as much. Nonetheless, what we wouldn't give for someone to just come over and say "Hey! What are you doing tonite? Why don't you come hang out with us?

That's really all I have to offer as advice

~Mark

hey dude,

I'm 19 and sort of in the same boat. I have never known a girl to be attracted to me. It got me down for a long time and still sort of does every now and then. I've just started taking control of my destiny, you might say. I've had coffee with one girl, got to know her. I found out she just wanted to be friends which is cool. So I move on. It wold seem that we would all be happy if a girl we were interested in came up to us and threw her arms around us and told us how she loved us. Ask yourelf though, despite how much we yearn to be loved, that would make it too easy.

It sucks man, I know. That's the best way to describe it. And it can seem like a real pain and downer to see other people getting together with a higher rate of success.

That's the way it is. Surely, we will all find love in due time. Downt get down about it and learn that somethings are worth waiting for

~Mark