It’s been over one month since we broke up. Less then a week since we stopped talking. You told me that you wanted to keep talking because it made the breakup easier for you. Because you liked talking to me and liked my company. But it wasn’t easier for me. Of course I didn’t want to lose you, but we both knew our relationship was toxic. I kept hoping you would ask for me back or try to work things out with me, the way I had so many times. But you didn’t. I kept hoping for some grand gesture of love and affectionate, which I never got throughout our relationship. But that never came either. And that’s when I realized, I needed to cut you out of my life to start healing.
I’m doing everything I can to rebuild my sense of self. I’ve been in longer relationships. And I’ve loved harder and more genuinely. But never has a relationship destroyed my self esteem the way that this one did. Never have I been with someone who withheld love and emotion from me for control. Never have I been with someone who can be so spiteful and cold, and yet claim to love me. You made me feel crazy at times. I didn’t know what was up and what was down anymore. I didn’t trust my own heart or head. You were so good at manipulating me, and the worst part is I don’t even know if you knew what you were doing.
You used to tell me I was beautiful and how amazing I was. That lasted about a month. You used to kiss me without me having to ask. That also lasted about a month. You completely withdrew from me. And all I could think was that it was because the more you got to know me, the less you wanted me. I blamed myself. Is that what you wanted? You made me feel unloved and unwanted. Constantly seeking your affection, and never getting it. You claim that sex is affection. You claim that I was the one who didn’t show you love. You only said this in the end when I told you I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told you this so many times during our relationship. You told me you were not the “romantic” type. And if that’s what I wanted I’d have to find someone else. And then in the end you blamed it all on me.
I had to end it, for myself. I felt ugly, rejected over and over, and so self loathing. Partly for staying and partly because of how you treated me. With such a lack of empathy.
Well now I’m in therapy, meditating, exercising , reading self help books, taking self help classes... hoping that one day I will be ok again. Hoping that I will repair the damage that’s been done to me in such a short time. But still missing you. And I don’t know why.