kim42

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Kim, do YOU have romantic interest in him?  This wasn't clear from your posts, at least to me....

 

I have seen him only once so I can't say that I like him or something, but yeah I'd like to get to know him better and maybe spend some time outside work, we had a good time during our coffee break, he was funny and easy to talk to.

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One thing that has not been mentioned is that it's possible he had an interest in you and as such invited you out.  Yes it was with a group but that may have been to lessen whatever awkwardness there may have been and to get more a "feel" for you out of the office and in a social setting.

While you were out and talking one-on-one, he got to know you and whatever interest he had initially had dissipated and he decided it best you remain strictly co-workers.

Just because a man asks a woman out indicating some level of interest, that doesn't mean that interest will still be there after spending more time and getting to know her.  Same for women about men. 

If this were an online situation, it what's known as a "one and done," it's very common.

Again a possibility. 

It's all speculation without speaking to HIM.

 

 

Just to clarify, we had coffee during work hours, we didn't hang out outside work. While we were talking during our coffee meet, he invited me to join him and his team for drinks after work. But that didn't happen yet.

But yeah, it's totally possible that he changed his mind in the meantime for whatever reason.

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What makes you think I don’t? This post? This post is a microscope to a small fragment of my life. I’m here to talk about this particular relationship, because it outlines interpersonal patterns I have that I’d like to address.  However, it’s not the only form of contact in my life. I host gatherings twice a month and am active in several meetup groups.  Lol. 

Ok thanks for clarifying.

Can you please explain how you progressed romantically with her? If you feel like it, of course.

14 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I have found over the years that many people mis-read any attention from an opposite sex person as romantic attraction.  Friendly to some people is light flirting.  

Especially in the work place absent an overt specific request for a date, my advice is don't assume.  

Be cordial going forward but otherwise just do your job.  

That shouldn't be an issue, I have very limted contact with him as far as work, we only worked on one project and then my manager gave me a little task that involved several people, including him. But otherwise we don't work together and I don't see him at all because we can also work from home so most people don't go to the office.

38 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

It sounds professional not romantic.  

Yeah maybe I simply misread the situation. I think it was the flirty vibe that is hard to describe and the 'nice to meet you' message that he sent after coffee that made me think he might be interested. No big deal though.

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

What was the coffee situation like?  Were other people there?   If you didn't talk about work or personal things what was the conversation like?  Just curious.

It was just me and him sitting at the table, some people came to the same room to get coffee but we didn't talk to them, they just said hello.

So it was the first time we met in person so we exchanged basic information about each other - I'm a foreigner here so he asked me a lot of questions about my situation - how long I've been here for, where I live in the city and so on, and then we talked about traveling because he visited Eastern Europe before. He then invited me to join his team for drinks and at the end he asked me what time I usually finish work because he and his team usually have to stay late in the evening.

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

I think you should assume he was being cordial.  You are new to the company & it was coffee during work hours.  I would assume that was about work not romantic interest.  

If he or anybody else invites you to get drinks with the team after work, I think you should go.  I get that you feel nervous when you don't know many people but the way you get to know people is to show up at events like this.  Networking is a skill.  It's one everyone needs to master if they hope to advance in their careers & life.  You go & have 1 drink.  You talk shop maybe some superficial small talk.  Do not get into anything deeply personal.  Have no more than 2 alcoholic drinks (fewer is better).  Smile. Ask Questions.  Listen more than you talk.  Don't be the 1st to leave but not the last either. 

Thank you, alcohol is not a problem, I'm originally from Eastern Europe so I don't get drunk easily 😁

I don't tend to share personal information with strangers or people I barely know so that should be okay.

People at my company are not very friendly in general, everyone kind of minds their own business and people from different teams usually don't really mingle so that's why I was surprised when he suggested coffee. We didn' talk about work things during coffee at all but yeah, I take it that he was just friendly.

So it's been 2 weeks since I had coffee with this coworker and no new updates since then. We have talked a little but mostly about work. He didn't mention hanging out with his team again. I thought he might be interested but pobably he was just being friendly.

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's not about "rules" or "the dance."  It's human nature for many people. 

Someone you just met and known for a mere 2-3 weeks is texting every day, morning and night, with the standard "good morning" and "good night" texts, I can say from personal experience I find that to be somewhat contrived and don't trust it, it's too much, too soon.  For me, obviously we are all different.

And what's she gonna say when he asks, that she hates it?  That can be difficult to admit as we don't want to come across as hurtful and unappreciative.

But he did sense a pull back of sorts so he did as well and she came forward.  So it's all good. 

Honestly I don't understand this forum sometimes.  We have one poster who constantly posts against "text tethering" that "text tethering" is not a relationship, and to text to make plans and date in person.

Now that same poster is advising the OP to do the opposite - contine texting same as always even after she requested a slow down.

I dont know anymore. 

Anyway, I'm really happy you found your "person" @LootieTootie, that you vibed well from the beginning and still do! 

That is so awesome!  Im really happy for you. 💛

 

I think if she didn't like the good morning and good night messages, she could have told him in a friendly way - no need to say she 'hates' them.

She said she likes these messages so I think OP can continue texting her if he wants to. If she likes him, she'll be happy to hear from him, even if she's on vacation.

Have you thought about taking some distance from her and maybe focus on other relationships, not necessarily romantic ones?

I understand that you enjoy your close friendship with her but maybe this could help you.

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree you're certainly not "bombarding her, especially since she says she likes the texts and is replying. Listen to your own intuition. 

 

I agree with this. OP, listen to your intuition and not to some 'rules' that dictate how many messages you should send, or how long you should wait to text her.

I think that if change your texting habits and text her less, she could think that you're less interested and pulling away. It could create some confusion in my opinion.

18 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

It's reads to me, "I think your hot, but maybe we are moving too fast.  I hope you aren't trying on only get in my pants"

This was actually my first impression about this situation.

Maybe she's an overthinker and because she doesn't usually kiss on a first date, she didn't feel comfortable after the date.

It could also be that the kiss was just an excuse not to go on a second date. 

Maybe try to keep first dates more simple next time so you don't feel disappointed when there's no second date.

Sadly this happens a lot, that one person thinks it was a great date while the other one has a different impression.

How far do you live from each other? If you want to see him again, you should ask him if he wants to see you again too.

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

He seems like a nice and sincere person. I hope you have fun going.

Personally, I don't think it's always good to push outside your comfort zone. If doing so is going to make you more nervous and unsure of yourself, it might not be a good thing. The couple of times I've been forced into social events with co-workers (both ones I know and don't know), didn't go well and made me want to rush out as soon as I could. It's called a comfort zone for a reason. When you are feeling comfortable you naturally feel more confident and can be the best you. 

In the future, if you want to get to know one person, maybe take more time to get to know them, one on one? That way you can really talk to them instead of having the conversation split between a whole bunch of people. Do what feels right for you, what you want to do. You know what you can handle and what you can't. So trust yourself.

Regardless, good luck. 

I know it's good for me to get out of my comfort zone from time to time, and I think I can always leave earlier if I don't feel comfortable.

I also think it probably takes some time to suggest hanging out with a coworker one on one after work, especially if you don't know each other that well.

Great topic! I'm not a huge fan of dating apps, probably because I live in a big city and most people use these apps just to hook up. 

As far as speaking before meeting, I usually like to text at least for a few days but not like 24/7 texting. I don't like texting too long before meeting though because then I feel like the guy doesn't want to meet up at all.

I agree that 'texting chemistry' can be misleading. I once matched with this guy on Tinder, we texted for a few days - very kind, he planned the date and everything but zero chemistry when we met, at least from my end.

Hey everyone,

Did you talk to him about what he's looking for? Are you only hanging out as friends or did you kiss?

Not everyone likes texting, so I think it's more important how he treats you when you are together.

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Anna93I'd just like to point out that nothing in life (or love) is black and white or  "absolute."

As such, it's literally impossible to know what this man is thinking or feeling.  The only person knows who knows is HIM. 

We can speculate based on how WE ourselves behave and interact when we're "into" someone and dating that person  (and I include myself), and the responses you're getting here are just that - speculation.

I would never say that he's only after sex, and once he gets it, he's gone or would only stick around for sex, that is a huge assumption!

We all have different reasons for behaving the way we do and it's also quite possible this man is simply a slow mover, prefers to take his time and may not even know at only two months in what he wants to happen - with you. 

One of my brothers (six, one died) and his nature in every relationship was to take his time, spend time with a woman, he never pushed for sex (as this man isn't either) and in time and based on HER behavior and reactions, would eventually know when the time was right to become exclusive and eventually commit. 

If the woman pushed for more than he was ready to give at that point in time, if she was insecure seeking constant reassurance, wondering where "things were going" he typically ended it.

He was labeled all sorts of not very kind adjectives because of this. 

He eventually met a woman on his same wavelength, a beautiful nurse.  He did NOT even introduce her to the family for two years! 

According to her, they never discussed exclusivity until after one year and she never pushed the conversation. He was the one who mentioned it after about a year. 

Eight years after that they got married and they are still happily married 10 years later!  They sometimes travel separately and give each other lots of space which works great for THEM, individually and as a couple. 

They are extremely happy together and very much in love!!!   And I witness that love every time I visit and watch them together! 

There is no one size fits all about any of this. 

That said, my take on this is you are incompatible, you and he are NOT on the same wavelength.

Already you're stressing and thinking of ways to 'pull him in', or make him move faster than he is.  That is the wrong mindset, it doesn't work anyway!

You cannot force a man to move faster or feel a certain way before he feels it.  

With a man like him and my brother and I've known other men like them also, they can't be pushed, they move closer at their own pace and it takes a certain type of woman with her own life, friends, career, confidence, self-assurance with her own need for space to understand this and for things to work. 

I am not suggesting your guy is like my brother, all I'm saying is we all have different natures, we behave/interact in ways that are comfortable for us, whether that means moving slow or jumping all in head first. 

No right or wrong. 

It's up to you to decide.  Can you truly handle his slower pace?  And not feel anxious and overthink everything? 

Can you relax with it and allow things to move gradually and organically?

Not all guys are overly thirsty dogs only out for sex if they don't behave in a "particular" way.  

Some are but from what you've written, I'm not getting that from him.  Course I don't really know, nor does anyone else. Only him.

If me, I would focus on the connection you have established up to this point, trust your OWN intuition about that, try to relax with it, do not push, step back allowing HIM to come to you.

Live your life, spend time with friends and family and don't assign meaning to something based on what others have experienced or how they would behave, again I include myself and my brother's experience in that. 

I only posted my brother's story as an example to show that not everyone or everything operates in blacks and whites. 

Good luck whatever you decide.  

 

 

I agree with this, especially with stepping back and allowing him to come to her.

I think when we like really a man, we can get a little anxious and overthink things - this is something that I've been struggling a lot personally but I think it's important to learn how to handle this uncertainty at the early stages, and just let things unfold naturally. As @rainbowsandroses mentioned, you can't 'pull him in' more.

When is he coming back from holidays? If he asks you out once he's back and continues to text you to set plans, I think that's a good sign.

I think it's too early to say if he's interested only in sex, so I'd continue to observe him. If he only invites you to his place and doesn't take you out, you'll have your answer.

But none of us here can tell you how much into you he really is, or if he's emotionally unavailable. 

I wouldn't worry too much about texting, if he asks you out again, I think it matters more than texting.

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Kim - are there common areas in your apartment building or complex where people hang out - is there an outdoor space like a backyard sort of?  Any places where you could run into him? Are there stores right nearby where your neighbors go? Obviously you'd never stalk just wondering if there are additional opportunities to run into him.

No common areas, just the elevator. Many stores nearby so I might run into him in one of them. 

It's okay, no pressure, I don't want to overthink so let's see how it goes the next time I run into him.

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Some people think it's weird that I say hello to the people in my neighborhood when I go on walks. I know one person in particular who posts on this forum who says they never, ever speak to their neighbors. And this is in the US. 

I can't speak for other cultures. But we're quite diverse in the US. Some of my childhood friends had parents who threw the doors to their homes open and let any neighbor kids who wanted to roam in and out. My parents, OTOH, weren't super comfortable with hordes of kids running in and out.  My son played with a couple of little girls in our apartment building who were of different ethnicities and they had never eaten dinner at a home other than their own. The idea was completely foreign to them.

But I would imagine a friendly hello is pretty universally appreciated.

Yes, a friendly hello is totally okay here. The conversation this week went well so let's see how the next one goes, will keep you posted!

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree but we're not even talking about asking him out, we're talking about saying "hi, how are you enjoying the neighborhood"?  

A casual friendly conversation between neighbors.  Which Kim is apparently reluctant to do for some reason. 

I'm not buying the "it's not the culture" excuse, there is something deeper at play imo that might be worth exploring.

There is nothing deeper going on, and I don't understand the need to overanalyze everything.