kim42

17 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Here are some questions you need to ask yourself and give some serious thought to:

Why should the guy chase you? Being pretty will make him come over and talk to you, but from there on out, were you engaging? Was the convo fun, flirty, interesting, any or all of that? None of that?

Why should he text you after the event? Did you give him a reason when you were chatting?

What I'm driving at is that you really need to step away from this idea that your mere existence should be reason enough for men to chase you. That will only leave you fending off unwanted attention from creeps and players who will "chase" anything with a pulse (sometimes optional).

To paraphrase what I've heard from many close guy friends and guys I've dated, "I'll only chase when I'm fairly certain she wants to be caught." Meaning, they will only put in the effort when the interest is clearly mutual and that click is there. So if you are holding your cards too close to your chest and come across as cold and not interested, good guys will walk way even if they think you are hot and they were interested when they came over to chat. Only toxic types will try to "make you come out of your shell."

This comment is very insightful, thank you.

I think I've been always told to wait for the man to make a move, and I think I just don't want to seem desperate and clingy. I know there's a difference between showing interest and acting desperate, but it's like I have this mental block that I don't want to show it if I like someone, and I just wait for him to do something.

I've always believed the guy will chase after a girl if he really likes her but I've been probably holding onto this idea too much. It's not like I feel entitled and expect every guy to chase me, it comes from my shyness and probably fear too. I'm afraid of coming off as needy, while I know there is nothing wrong with being fun and engaging when talking to someone, as you said. 

Our convo was a little awkward, definitely not flirty, he seemed a little nervous I guess.  I asked him some questions but looking back I was more fun and just myself with other guys I talked to, I was more shy around him.

13 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

As a man, I supremely appreciate a woman not afraid to shoot her shot. We have to do it all the time to find out if anyone is interested in us. If I feel That my interest is one’s sided or playing the “chase me” game, I lose interest quickly.

That's good to know, however, he shows little interest, he didn't text me after the event so I take it as a no.

I wasn't chasing him or anything, I'm not actually sure now if I even flirted with him, I think I was just friendly because I was expecting him to pursue me.

21 minutes ago, greendots said:

He's not necessarily going to chase you (e.g. contact you) if you don't make it evident that you're interested in him. I'd say that at a next event flirt with him. Generally, no amount of chasing will change a disinterested man's opinion. But an interested man will lose interest if things don't move forward.

Remember that you're after a date, not chatting back and forth on social media. 🙂

This is true, that's why I was excited to see him again so I can talk to him in real life, but honestly I was kind of disappointed with the conversation we had. I talked to several men at that event and none of them left to get fresh air, it was weird. 

I'll see how I feel next time I see him right now I think I should just move on.

35 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK, just asking. Because people usually just move on when they see the other side isnt really interested. Few years ago, I met a girl. She was back in town fresh from college as me, we talked and added her on Facebok. I asked for a drink but never got an answer. I considered that a "No" and just moved on. We still see each other sometimes in town and talk but I dont look at her like that and that is about it. Made the mistake at the beggining of this year when I pursued something I shouldnt with another girl. But that girl was a special case and whole situation was confusing in general. What I am trying to say is, in situations like that, its usually not worth the trouble and you just move on. Again, if he is interested in anything, he wouldnt at least ignore you and your messages. Even if he is shy, he would find a way to get close to you in any way possible. I know its a phrase but "there is a plenty fish in the sea". no need to lose yourself over somebody who isnt willing to reciprocitate even the tiniest effort like answering your messages. In time somebody you like would show that interest and reciprocitate. There is no need to bend yourself over people who wouldnt.

I didn't see him in a while because of lockdown so I wasn't sure if he's interested or not but I think I know after last weekend.

15 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I actually agree with both of these statements! Is there a way that you can let him know that you like him without chasing him? 

I don't think so. I could ask him to do something but I just don't want to risk it. 

38 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but the guy that likes you would at least try something. He wouldnt stop communicating, he would answer your messages and he would even try to single you out at that event by inviting you to catch the fresh air with him. No ammount of your "proactivity" would get you there. That might work with initial meetings when you get the guy to notice you. He already knows that you exist. He is just not very interested in progressing anything. Unless he plays the games like "by appearing disiterested she will like me more"(which seems to work on you from some reason btw), he is just not that interested. And in a situations like that you should move on to somebody you like and that is interested in you. 

I would also like to adress this

and that it seems to be a pattern. Are you generally attracted to "unavailable" men? Because you appear to have no trouble in attracting men. But are hung up on the guy who doesnt appear to have a slightest interest in you. 

That's what I think as well, that he would do something more than he has done so far. 

At that event, he went outside to talk to his friends that I don't know, which is okay, I didn't expect him to talk to me for hours, our conversation was just awkward, he was kind of nervous.

I thought he was interested before because we would talk on social media, I like his sense of humor and he's smart, but maybe he was just bored. I was excited too see him last weekend, after a long time, but I realized he probably doesn't see me that way. 

I don't think I am generally attracted to "unavailable" men.

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did any of them suggest a date? It's ok to have a crush. Not everyone is available.

 

2 of them are too old for me, and one is honestly a bit creepy, he sent me a message the moment he left the event.

5 hours ago, greendots said:

This! I missed some incredible opportunities because I didn't step up.

Cute guy approached me, conversation flowed. But as I was a total noob that didn't know that a man approaching you signaled initial interest, well, I played it safe. I thought, if he's really interested he'll pursue me relentlessly as it had happened before. Well, he didn't. He moved on to someone more engaging. The end. Literally.

So, please, don't be like my former self as it gets you nowhere. Make it very evident that you're flirting, see his reaction. What do you have to lose? 🙂

To be honest, I'm afraid to make it very evident that I like him, I'm rather shy around guys, and I think I've been "spoiled" because I am used to men making the first step, texting me etc. (I hope it doesn't sound arrogant). I mean he has my social media, he could send me a message or something.

I also don't want be too direct because if he rejects me, I'll probably still see him at these group events - we have the same hobby - and it might be just awkward. 

10 minutes ago, dias said:

I am like this with almost everyone and many people are like this. It does not mean you showed interest though. You could be a bit more proactive 🙂

That's true, I think I expected him to be more proactive too 🙂 the guys I mentioned that were/are interested in me showed it somehow, and he didn't do something like that so far. He was friendly to me when I last saw him but he talked to other girls more than to me (we don't know each other that much though).

9 minutes ago, dias said:

He knows as much as you know about him probably. Is he supposed to know from just chit-chatting? 

That's a good point, I thought it was obvious for him but it's true I didn't really do much to show it I guess. I always replied to his messages and I was nice to him. I just think if he was interested in me, he would do something. I thought our conversation last weekend was kind of awkward, and how he left it a little abruptly made me think he doesn't like me.

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You're in a different generation than me. I used to only give my number out to guys I was interested in. Do you really want to just hand out your number to numerous men like this? Do you really want to waste time replying to messages to guys who are into you but they hold no romantic interest to you?

Do you hang out with the same group all the time? If nobody interests you in that group, start doing other activities to meet single guys your age.

I didn't give my phone number to  anyone, they messaged me on social media, sorry if it's confusing. They found my profile themselves, I didn't share it with them. I don't give my number to random guys 🙂

I have several group of friends, and this one organizes fun events, but maybe you're right and I should do other activities too. My hobbies are just very feminine and there are many guys in this group so I like to be a part of it.

5 minutes ago, dias said:

He knows that you like him?

I never told him or asked him out but I think he knows. 

So there is this guy I really like but it seems he’s not interested. I’m not expecting any advice on how to attract him, or convince him to like me, I know you can’t make someone like you, I just need to get this off my chest.

It’s a little frustrating because there are guys interested in me, even his friends have asked me out, but he seems to keep his distance. I went to a little get together last weekend and he was there. He approached me and we talked for a while, but then he said he needed fresh air and went outside. We used to talk on social media before and I thought he might like me, but then the communication stopped. He apologized for not replying to my message last weekend but I think he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

After I left the party, 3 guys sent me text messages and they seem to be interested, at least in getting to know me, unlike the guy I have a crush on. I don’t expect every guy to be into me, I’m just tired of attracting men I don’t like.

Hi Rose, no, it wasn't my first time out, I've been going out more lately, it's a conscious decision as I was feeling very isolated because of the home office thing. I only knew one girl from the group, but they were all nice, I don't know why I felt so out of place. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself.

Hey everyone, I don’t know if someone can relate to this, I don’t feel like myself lately, and I realized some social situations that I used to enjoy before covid are now stressful for me.

Last night I went out with my friends, just a small group of girls, we went to this nice bar, I was looking forward to it, I did my makeup, put on a nice dress but in reality, I wasn’t really having fun. I felt uneasy the entire time, I just couldn’t relax and be myself, I felt like everyone else was funnier than me, I felt boring and unattractive. I used to like going out, laughing and being care-free, and I just could not do it last night. I felt stressed out as if I wasn’t doing enough – I wasn’t outgoing enough.

I think this is just all in my head, I was talking to my friends and new people too, I never had these thoughts before, I don’t why I am overthinking this so much. I just want to be able to go out, have fun without feeling inadequate.  

I think it might be like this because I’ve been working from home for along time now, and subconsciously I am afraid I’m losing my social skills. I try to go out and do many activities on weekends, I just don’t know why going out has become so stressful for me.

I’m not sure if the above makes any sense, I hope someone can understand, please tell me I’m not alone feeling like a weirdo in social situations.

I'm so glad to read this, I've been sexually assaulted several times and also had a very traumatic experience with my ex, and I've been working on my myself a lot recently, thanks for sarin your positive  mindset! 

23 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Well, I know some Eastern Europeans and I don't get that feeling from them, at all.  In fact one of my cousins, his daughter is soon marrying an Eastern European. They've been living together for ages.  I think both are over thirty. I don't see them being pressured by anyone. 

Well, that fear is hers, not yours.  And what would be so terrible in the event (probably unlikely) that you turn out to be single forever.  What's so awful about "single". ? Worst of all is marrying just anyone merely to become "married". Therein lies the route to unhappiness, big time. 

the self-esteem issues, Kim. That's a different matter. 

That's true, I think my mom is worried that I might end up in the same situation as she did, so maybe that's why she'd like to see me married and settled (her favorite word).

17 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I've never done that in my life.  I have to say, like Melancholy, that I just can't understand it. Why do you do it, do you think?

You have done very well Kim. 

And no one is entitled to ask you questions about anything.  Who is the impertinent person asking you these questions? Tell them to mind their own darn business. 

I think this marriage thing is very Eastern European, we're still a little traditional, and honestly my mom would love to see me married soon, she's afraid that if I wait too long, I'll stay single forever.  I mean, I want to get married one day, I just don't want to do it because I'm supposed to, but because I want to do it myself.

I think I compare myself to other people sometimes because I have self-esteem issues, it's an ongoing struggle. 

9 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

 Who is it making you feel pressured to do certain things as you approach 30?  I'd love to be 30 again!

 

Mostly my family, I have much older cousins who are already settled, they live in a house and have children, so sometimes I feel that they will take me more seriously once I get married. I often feel misunderstood by my own family, although they are supportive.

I’ll be soon turning 30 and I’m in this weird phase in life. I thought I was happy with what I was doing but it seems that different things are expected at my age. I’m not married, I don’t have children, I have a steady job and many friends, and I feel the pressure to settle down, and it honestly scares me a little. I’m scared of this idea that we should all follow the same timeline, but I just can’t escape all these questions about marriage, boyfriends, buying an apartment, and sometimes when it’s just too much, I feel like a failure. Is it bad that I want to do things at my own pace? I don’t know if this is something that happens to everyone once they turn 30, or if it’s just me overthinking things, but sometimes I feel lost, as if I had to tick off some boxes to make everyone happy, and to give the impression that I’m doing the right things.

I don’t think I am a failure, I moved to a different country, got my master's degree here, I think I am successful for my age, but lately I’ve been feeling as if it wasn’t enough. And then I just end up comparing myself to everyone else and I feel miserable – I avoid doing this though. Can anyone relate to this? I hope this makes sense, please tell me I’m not the only one who is confused.

I just wonder, are there any non-native English speakers here? I will feel less lonely 😄

I agree that poor dental hygiene can be a turn off, however, I like spontaneous sex so I don't necessarily insist on taking a shower, but that's just me. Then again I don't think I could date someone who wouldn't shower at least once a day.