kim42

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

They're expecting you to either get upset or clam up and look intimidated. I make it a point to NEVER react the way those kind of people expect me to. So I usually say "OMG that's hilarious!!" To see the look of shock or disappointment on their face truly is hilarious. Or say cheerily "That's not true? OK, it's not true because you say so!" Keep agreeing and pretty soon that person is arguing with themselves which totally takes the wind out of their sails. It's hysterical. You come across as having a sharp sense of humor instead of looking mousy or easily intimidated.

I like this, I'm not sure if I am confident enough to react like this but I feel more prepared now, thank you! 

I think I am afraid of speaking up in such situations because I don’t want to come off as someone who is “difficult” or doesn’t have a sense of humor.  But I’m almost 30 so I should learn to say something, I think I can’t avoid confrontation forever.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

This was a group of friends, not coworkers. I’m not close with this person, she was sober. There were 4 of us, all girls, and my good friend texted me the other day that she felt bad for not saying something, she didn’t like how that person behaved to me, but she didn’t know what to do.

Banter is okay, I would not mind friendly teasing, but I think this was too much.

Some examples – we were discussing something, and after I expressed my opinion – the subject wasn’t heavy or anything – she said several times “that is not true” in a rather condescending way. Now I don’t mind if someone disagrees with me, that’s fine but I didn’t like how she said that, and she didn’t react like this to anyone but me.

Also, when I was telling a story, she would interrupt me at least three times with some “funny” remarks – she was trying to imply that my story wasn’t relevant.

I don’t think I was being oversensitive, there were more moments like this, but now I know that I will try to speak up if this happens again. The thing that bothered me the most is that she was like this only with me, not with the 2 people. And as I mentioned, this is not the first time that I find myself in this situation, that someone is mean to me, and it was always a woman that I would barely know. I was always friendly with these people, so I’m not sure what I did to “deserve” this behavior.

I don’t like confrontation, but I am determined to say something if I find myself in this situation again.

Hi everyone,

I have a hard time standing up for myself in some situations, and it has happened to me twice that someone was not nice to me (not the same person), and I didn’t say or do anything. And later I felt upset that I didn’t say anything in the moment.

So both times I was part of a small group of people, we were having dinner, and one person would just start making fun of me, interrupt me while I was speaking, basically trying to be “funny” on my expense. As I said, I didn’t react in that moment, I just let it be because I didn’t know how to react. I knew it wasn’t cool but I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to stand up for myself because I didn’t want to ruin the dinner. I think I would say something if it was just me and the “mean” person, but since this was a group thing, I didn’t want to spoil the mood for everyone.

I don’t know why I end up in this kind of situation, I’m usually the more quiet/shy one, definitely not someone who wants a lot of attention. I am not close to the people who were not nice to me – the first time it was someone I barely knew, and the second time an acquaintance – so not my friends, just part of the group.  

My question is - is it okay to say something when someone is treating me like this? I don’t think I did something that would trigger this behavior, I avoid conflict and heated arguments, I feel that these people choose me because I am the shy one/the nice one. Like they know that I won’t say anything, and they can continue being mean to me.

I don’t mind teasing or when my friends are making fun of me in a friendly way, that’s fine, I just don’t feel comfortable when someone clearly chooses me as a target to make fun of me, in front of everyone else.

I would like to learn how to react in these situations and what to say to these people, so they stop this behavior. I don’t want to be quiet the next time this happens. Also, both times I felt that something was wrong, but I still wasn’t sure if I just wasn’t overacting in my head, and it was only after my friends told me that that person was mean to me that I realized that my feelings were valid.

I’d just like to be more self-confident and learn how to set boundaries. I know this is long, sorry, I hope it makes sense!

On 2/24/2022 at 10:44 PM, greendots said:

I didn't know where to write this.

The horror that is happening in the world right now.

😢

I came here as well to write about it, because where I live people don't really care. Its' so sad 😥

I feel stressed about the current situation in Ukraine 💛💙  My family lives in Eastern Europe, they are all safe but it's still hard for me.

21 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

It took me quite some time, but after wasting a lot of time I practiced not engaging men electronically indefinitely.  I found that there are a large number of people just looking for electronic attention that have zero intention of ever meeting. I learned to expect it. 

I'd let them know sooner than later that I spend the majority of my day at work sitting in front of a pc and that I wasn't inclined to do much more at home.  "If you ever want to meet for a cup of coffee or at least chat on the phone first, let me know" With that, I would move on.  Some were interested, some not.  But I didn't get invested.  It was refreshing to find I was not longer in the position of wasting my time and feeling frustrated.

I read an article once that really spoke to me.  You mentioned the hopes they would like you and the fear of rejection.  Think about that.  Why would you give these random strangers who are in little black boxes have that much control over how you are feeling about yourself?  Especially when you consider the number of scammers and those take people who don't have good intentions.  

Turn this around and go about this soley focused on *whether or not YOU like him, whether he fits your terms and meets your criteria.  After all, you are who you are.  No doubt you are trying to make a good impression.  That's about all you can do and they either are interested or not, for whatever reason.  Don't let their actions define you or the experience becomes miserable.  I got so good at stopping myself from wondering if they liked me.  I was laser focused on whether they suited me and my lifestyle.  It will change your energy.

Going about it from a place of confidence and being willing to swiftly *next* someone who exhibits lackluster attention or wasting your time becomes attractive.

In turn it will lesson your exposure to kooks who end up making the experience miserable.

Thank you, this is really helpful 

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Do you want someone who is interested in dating to find a long term committed relationship?

Is this kind of relationship important to you?

Yes, a long term relationship is something I look for.

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you care about what his job is, what his educational background is, his religion, whether he wants marriage and/or a family? What about his weight/fitness level?  Do you care if he enjoys gambling and/or drinking a lot?  Where should they like to travel? Anywhere? Do you like adventure travel or more like cultural destinations or either? You are absolutely not too demanding and from your list I don't know what you're looking for as far as relationship goals - or totally fine if you don't care if the man has any goals but simply likes to see what happens and just date lots of people and see if someone special catches his eye.

I'll try to answer all of these 🙂

I don't really care what his profession is (as long as it's not something illegal), I like educated men with good manners who like to read books and learn new things. 

Gambling is a no-no, drinking is okay I guess, if he's not an alcoholic of course. 

As for traveling he destinations don't matter that much, just someone who likes discovering new places and cultures. Just someone who sees traveling as an adventure. 

48 minutes ago, dias said:

Only that? Ts ts ts you are aiming too low!

There are more qualities, I just didn't want to list them all 😄

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Make sure you have criteria for the man you'd like to date other than "he seems to like me".

What are the qualities you're looking for in a long term partner?

I like men who are smart, easy-going, with an open mind and a good sense of humor. And they should like travelling. I don't think I am too demanding.

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Not learn - it's not learning.  It's about doing. Faking it till you make it.  It's about simply noticing how you interact and react.  

I meant that I need to learn to do this. I'm sorry, as I said several times, English is not my first language, so I may not use the most correct word all the time to express myself but I don't think it's necessary to analyze every word I say. 

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Make your focus more specific than spending time with anyone who will take it from you. Limit your time, energy and efforts to ONLY those who expressly want to date you--and for the right reasons. Flush that out early by asking questions instead of romanticizing, and you will thank yourself.

Head high!

This is something I really need to learn, thank you.

5 hours ago, Lambert said:

I am sorry. It's a disappointment for sure when you think there's mutual interest and then it's not.

You can never know the reasons why a person does what they do.  But if you get a bad vibe or a mixed signal, it's on you to kick that guy to the curb.  Don't allow yourself to be a back up plan. Period. It doesn't matter what the guy is on paper. The most important thing is how he treats you.  Especially at the start. 

I think you need to be a little kinder to yourself.  Take a break.  You're not in a good mindset.

It's not a crime or the worst thing to be single.  Rather being single is all opportunities. But you don't see it that way. And that's the problem. 

You have many things going for you.  Appreciate them. Enjoy the good.  Put your attention to what's working FOR you.  Stop banging your head against the wall. No good prospects? It's ok! It can't drought forever, but go enjoy something else. 

I know of where I speak. I am single. I think I'm like you- a good, successful person in all areas.  I just happen to be single.

I try to meet people and it's pretty typical of what you said. Some flakes, the ones I like don't like me or vice versa.  getting down about it doesn't help. however it's good to vent here and let it out.  feel sad for a little bit or whatever but don't waste your life at a pity party.

Here in the United States, it's Valentine's and Super Bowl weekend.  Typically fun times with a date... but I don't have one.  So what's a girl to do? 

I bought a romance novel and a new perfume. If I can't have a romance this weekend, I'll read about one.  And I've been enjoying the new scent. It feels a little special when i spray it! lol.

I'm choosing to celebrate love. because love is worth celebrating. in all its forms.  put love out there, it will come back to you. but don't be a doormat. love you,  protect you,  cherish you. 😍 

Chin up!

 

Thank you, Lambert, this has helped me a lot 💜

9 minutes ago, mical said:

So why not ask him if he wants to have a conversation in person and go for a coffee ☕️?
 

Can’t be that difficult right? 🙂 
 

 

We don't talk that much lately, and he also takes longer to reply to my messages, so I'm scared he might reject me. It seems it has probably fizzled out.

Thanks everyone for your input, I’ll try to reply to all of you, and explain some things.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, please be patient with me🙂

Yes, this is the same guy that I mentioned in my December thread. I stopped talking to him for a while because I wasn't sure if he was interested. He started to talk to me again in January, we would talk a lot, he would comment on my social media, we have many things in common and I like his sense of humor, he’s also very smart.  He’s definitely more shy than extroverted.

Usually when a guy would talk to me like this, and comment on my Facebook, he would end up asking me out – based on my experience – so I thought this guy would do the same, but it didn’t happen so yes, it’s frustrating. I tried to flirt, I tried to be more open as I didn’t show much interest last year (I'm rather shy myself), but he’s been giving me mixed signals so far. I know it’s ridiculous to wait for him this long, I know I should just move on. The rational part of me knows I need to let go because he’s wasting my time. I don’t know why I’m stuck on him, I think he gave me some hope in January, and because I didn’t go on many dates with other men, I was too focused on him.

We’re in the same group of people that organizes events and get togethers, I don’t want to stop going to these events as many of my friends are there, and it’s an occasion to meet new people/men too. The thing is that my hobbies are very feminine/girly, even my dancing class is for women only, so I am happy when I can be in a mixed group occasionally.

Someone asked me which qualities I look for in a man. Of course there are some things that are important to me when dating someone, I think I need to focus on this rather than analyzing why a guy is not interested in me.

9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If he’s interested you’ll know. That you feel like a he’s just keeping you around and this is one-sided tells you it’s best to end that interaction. He may not be aware he’s doing it if he only sees you as a friend. Or, he’s pursuing someone else. 

Is it the same man in your Dec/21 thread?

 

Yes, Rose, it's the same man. I just need to move on from him, I feel silly that I keep waiting for him to do something.  

7 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Hi there.  This makes perfect sense to me only I'm a guy looking for a woman.  Not only has it been exhausting but also frustrating.  I will tell you though, you're much better off than me.  Be happy that you have a steady job, friends, and coworkers that like you.  I lost my job late last month, most of my friends are flakes, and with my last job my coworkers were all virtual and never in-person.  One question I have, what constitutes weirdos outside of those living with parents and playing video games the basement in addition to those who just want sex?

I'm sorry, I know it's hard for everyone. As for the weirdos from dating apps, they usually just want sex. In real life, I've met men who were clingy after the first date, or they would have a girlfriend. 

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you feel it's up to a man to fill voids in your life? It's up to us to do this. Expecting a man to make you feel whole is just setting yourself up for disappointment and puts unrealistic pressure on him without him even realizing it.

Do you approach your dating goals as searching for the right man for you? Do you ask yourself if you truly like the men you date? Or are you more concerned with whether or not THEY like YOU?

That's a good question, I am definitely more concerned with whether or not they like me. I don't know why I am like this, I think it should be the other way around but it's as if I needed to tick a man off my list in my head - ok, he likes me. I know this must sound unhealthy 😐

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Had he asked you out on a date? That's the only sign that he wants to date you so what was "mixed" -I ask because you might be getting in your own way/increasing your own frustration by reading into "signals"- if wanting a man to want to date you with serious potential as your goal then unless he is asking you out or accepting with enthusiasm you asking him out assume he's not interested in dating you.  

 

He didn't ask me out, but we would talk a lot, and he was also all over my social media, so I thought he might be interested, but maybe I have read too much into these signals. 

So I felt sad and out of my luck yesterday because of this guy who seemed to be interested, but he's been giving me mixed signals, and it seems he likes someone else too, and I feel he's just keeping me around if his plans don't work out. 

I don't know why I have this feeling that a man would fill the void in my life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard.

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I also moved on quickly - he said he would call and didn't and no apologies - bye bye.  He mentioned sexual stuff too early on - see ya.  He asked me out last minute and didn't follow up by planning a date in advance - go find some woman who wants to be an afterthought -not me! This meant I had more time to meet men who might be a good match. 

I hope your phase of feeling down/drained passes quickly.  I get it.  I really do.  Good luck. 

 

Thank you, Batya, this is something I need to work on. I tend to to overthink and overanalyze how a man behaves and the things he does, or doesn't do, and that's part of the reason why I feel drained I guess.

Thanks everyone, I was feeling down today. I used to be excited about dating and meeting someone, but now I just can't be bothered anymore. 

Hello everyone,

Lately I’ve been feeling emotionally drained when it comes to dating and meeting men in general.

I just feel out of my luck, every time I like someone, they either have a girlfriend, or they show interest only to disappear later. I know this happens to a lot of people, but lately I feel like I’m only attracting men I’m not interested in.  The ironic thing is that I get a lot of attention from men, but for some reason not from those that I like.

I’m not the biggest extrovert, but I’ve been working on this and I have joined different groups to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. This has been successful so far, but my dating life is still a mess.  I’m also on this dating app but there are mostly weirdos.

I have a steady job, my coworkers like me, I have many friends, I have hobbies and I’ve tried to stay social even during the pandemic (without breaking the rules 😊 ), so from the outside my life looks all good but I feel so lonely sometimes.

People usually like me, I get many compliments from men and women, it’s true I can be a little shy at first, but I don’t think I am high maintenance or something.

I’ve bee trying to show more interest when I like someone because before I’d just wait for a guy to make a move, but it hasn’t changed much.

I don’t want to turn into a cynical woman who will hate all men, I try hard to keep a positive mindset, but I feel like I’ll never find someone who’s compatible with me.

I sometimes wonder how other women find a boyfriend or end up a with a guy they I like. I don’t mean it in a jealous way, I’m truly curious because I think I am doing something wrong here.

I don’t know if this makes sense, I’m sorry, I’m just sad today and emotionally exhausted from everything.

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. That's fine. Not everyone we're attracted to is going to result in dating. You're not doing anything wrong and no, you don't have to chase clearly uninterested men.

In this case he wasn't interested in the conversation and excused himself. That's ok too. Just move forward and next time at a party, talk to everyone just a bit rather than just people you're attracted to. Make the rounds.

Oh I talked to many people, it was not just him, I wouldn't have talked to him myself if he hadn't approached me.