kim42

I also agree with what others have said - you already showed him that you're interested so it's his turn now, I wouldn't text him again. Try to stay busy in the meantime - I know, easier said than done, but I'm sure you have more interesting things to do than just to wait for his message! 🙂 

Wait at least one day to see if he sends you a message, however, if he doesn't text you by tomorrow, I would assume he's probably not that interested. 

I'm from Europe, so maybe it's different over here, but usually when a guy likes you and wants to see you again, he will either text you right after the first date, or the next day.

I moved abroad several years ago, I definitely don't regret it, although it was very hard at the beginning. It seems there will be no language barrier for you, so it should be easier. I see my family twice a year, and it's okay for me,  but I know it's not for everyone.

On 11/1/2022 at 12:07 AM, Batya33 said:

I understood the first time and disagree with your analysis of what she described and agree with the analysis she gave and others commented on.  People often have different perspectives on these highly individual and subjective situations.  I shared mine.  

Thank you, Batya, I don't feel that I have to defend myself, I get that not everyone might be able to understand my situation, but this thread has definitely helped me to realize some things, so all is well. 

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But shame is an extreme response. I can see feeling awkward or uncomfortable, but shame? Like you've done something worthy of being shamed? You haven't. You literally just bought a coffee. 

I know it's an extreme reaction, that's why I have started this thread. I think I'll be more comfortable in these situations with time.

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not "the center of attention". Just the typical small talk regular customers have. Read up on 'social anxiety'.

From my perspective, it feels like I am the center of attention - I find this small talk unnecessary and it makes me uncomfortable. I think it also has to do with the fact that I come from a culture where we don't do small talk at shops, so I'm still not used to it.

I usually drink tap water, some tea and recently I have replaced coffee with decaf coffee. I have to admit I drink diet Coke sometimes. I like mulled wine too.

On 10/29/2022 at 7:41 PM, boltnrun said:

I love being recognized as a regular at an establishment. 

It's interesting you find it something to be ashamed of. I wonder why that is?

Thanks to spinstermanquee's comment, I have realized it's probably because I don't like being the center of attention - I just want to buy what I need to buy and leave the shop. 

On 10/29/2022 at 9:30 PM, spinstermanquee said:

kim42, perhaps I am a bit similar.  I can't stand when I become the focus of attention.  It's not that I am not competent, intelligent, etc. but I don't like being the fulcrum.  Doesn't matter if it's a business meeting, a family reunion, or a party.  I just want to become part of the woodwork when the attention turns my way.

In my case it's due to my upbringing.  I was taught to be nothing, inconsequential, and ignored because my narcissistic parent was supposed to be the star of the show.  When I get kudos or love vibes I go into hiding mode.

Lots of therapy later, I am finally stepping into my own skin and owning it!  So... YMMV I wish you all the best kim!

Thank you everyone for your comments, I appreciate your help!

I think this reply describes pretty much how I feel in these situations. I think this is the main issue – I just hate being the center of attention, so if someone at the coffee shop recognizes me, it makes me feel uncomfortable because I just want to buy my coffee (it’s decaf by the way 🙂 ) peacefully and not have to deal with unwanted attention.

I know this is regular customer service, and as I said before, everyone has been very nice to me so far, but I simply don’t like this – even at my previous work, I used to hate celebrating my birthday with my coworkers (it was obligatory) – the idea behind it was nice, but I hated being the center of attention – I am much more comfortable watching these situations from afar.

I think it might be due to my upbringing as well – it was a little chaotic, with an emotionally distant parent. Either way, thank you spinstermanquee, I think I understand myself a little better now.

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

IDK, years ago I was such a regular at the bar across the street that the bartender didn't even ask me what I wanted. When I walked in and sat down at the bar he poured my favorite beer and set it in front of me. I thought it was cool.

I promise people are not spending their time speculating about how many times you go to a certain coffee shop. And it's considered good customer service to acknowledge regulars. Servers are trained to make regular customers feel welcome.

I think it's cool too, I hope I can enjoy these situations rather then feeling ashamed, appreciate your comment.

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

I would encourage you to continue therapy, and to ask your therapist to specifically help you address your fear of being judged. I think it's good that you still go to coffee shops and other places even though you have this fear. You should keep doing that. 

Try to push yourself each time you go to take another baby step outside of your comfort zone. That could be as simple as smiling at the barista one day. And each time, you will start to feel more comfortable. 

Of course, people are always going to judge you. They will judge you even if they know nothing about you. So who cares? I think deeper down, there's a fear of abandonment there, which is another thing you should explore with a therapist. 

I think I have definitely have a fear of abandonment, I am trying to untangle my issues one after another.

I don't want to avoid these situations, I tell myself each time that nothing bad has happened to me, and that people were actually nice to me - I just want to become more comfortable, hopefully one day I won't feel anxious at all. 

Thank you for your comment! 

Yes, I’ve been to therapy a few times.

I think it might stem from my lack of self-confidence – one of my deepest fears is that if someone gets to know me a little more, they won’t like me anymore and stop talking to me.

It is hard to explain, maybe I am afraid that people will judge me because I have a favorite coffee shop? I know it sounds ridiculous. I think it’s this fear of being judged.

Hey everyone,

I don’t know if anyone has experienced something similar, I hope someone can help me.

So I have this thing that when I have a favorite shop or a restaurant that I go to frequently to the point that sometimes the staff recognizes me, I have this intense feeling of shame. I can’t explain why, everyone has been nice to me in these situations so far, but this small talk triggers so much anxiety within me. I would like to change it, but I don’t know how.

I realize that these are not life-threatening situations, and maybe some people would even become friends with the restaurant owners, but when it happens to me, I just want to disappear. I know I’m not doing anything bad – I just feel so embarrassed that they recognize me.

For example, there this one coffee shop that I really like, and the last time I was there to buy coffee, the barista said that it was nice to see me again, and this casual sentence made me feel so bad, I could feel my face turning red and I felt so ashamed. Even typing this feels weird, is there anything I can do to stop feeling like this? I know there’s nothing wrong with having a favorite place, all my friends have their favorite spots, I don’t know why I get so anxious. I’m not hiding anything, I am naturally a little shy but I would like to approach these situations in a more normal way.

Thank you for reading this, I hope that someone can understand me.

29 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree with having classy grace.  No can still mean no without being so cold. 

In the past, it was 'easier' for me to ignore.  As years pass by, I've since shifted my way of thinking.

I've been ghosted, ignored, rejected, felt unkindness, felt uninvited, felt unloved, excluded, left out.  I lean towards empathy nowadays.  Place yourself in other people's shoes and how would you feel? 

If i were him, I would probably accept by now that there is no reply and I should let it go.

I deleted that email, and I also blocked him on this social media platform so he cannot stalk me anymore.

Thank you everyone for your help - I finally have some sort of balance in my life, and I don't need additional stress in my life. 

18 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

With this being the case, I would do what Cherylyn or Seraphim suggested, depending on your own feelings about it all. If he continues to reach out, then you can resume what you're doing now—not responding until he stops trying, but it will be with a firmer boundary set in place.

Sorry for the all the complications. I have a half-sibling myself who I don't really know, though some day I do hope we're both in the right life place to say what's up.  

Thank you, Blue, for your kind words.

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may be completely different than your parent and their first spouse. Don't take on generational pain.

You weren't even there, also had no choice in the matter. He may be a wonder person. He did not ask to be born into this situation. You are taking on toxicity from a parent and passing it to someone, who did you no wrong..

This is not unique. Many people are finding unknown relatives through at home DNA testing. Carrying this family feud along seems to be a way to be angry for no reason.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, I just don't want to be in contact with him. 

Thank you Cherylyn, me saying that I'm not looking for any advice probably didn't come out right - I'm sorry, I can't even write down my thoughts properly. 

I was thinking about the respectful rejection thing, but I kind of feel he might not respect my decision and he might keep pushing me to talk to him, and I just don't want any of that at the moment. 

Hi everyone, the situation below bothers me, and I am looking to vent.

So I have a half sibling that I never met, a little older than me. I know about their existence, but we have never been in touch, and I have no desire to talk or meet with him (I have personal reasons for keeping my distance).

This half sibling has reached out to me several times in the last couple of months, he even somehow found out my email address and sent me an email with some family pictures. I didn’t like this as it felt invasive. He thinks that I don’t know about him.

I am quite surprised that he is trying so hard to get in touch as he has not been speaking with my parent for many years.

I didn’t reply to any of these attempts to communicate, and I hope he will eventually understand that I don’t want any contact with him.

I am not looking for any advice, as I said I just need to vent, we don’t really talk about this in my family and this thing is making me uncomfortable.

Please don’t judge me because of how I feel about this – the first marriage of one of my parents has caused a lot of trouble in my family, and I had to grow up with this.

Thank you for reading.

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's awesome!

See, these people are usually cowards and will only behave this way if they think they can get away with it. 

This is something I didn't realize before, and I would be intimated in such situations.  Now that I see that the outcome is not scary, I feel more confident. 

1 hour ago, LaurenJJJ said:

It was actually based on shared interests and he seemed to sort of mould himself to whatever I was into somehow (its very hard to describe) so I felt like he was my psychic twin or something.  He even started adopting phrases I use.  I actually have a new boyfriend, but could I just correct you to point out that I'm free to do whatever I want, not just to "meet a man".  My life and self worth doesn't revolve around meeting men and having boyfriends.  But thank you for your comment, I know you are only trying to be helpful.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I'd focus on your new boyfriend and forget about this man. The above description seems kind of creepy to me, I think you dodged a bullet.

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ask yourself if that rude person "feels bad". They obviously don't, so why should you?

And don't defend yourself. Instead deliver a comeback that makes them understand clearly you're not intimidated, fearful or a pushover.

Something like "That's hilarious. Have you been practicing that?" Or "It's my truth, it doesn't need to be yours."

that's a good point, I never thought about it like that, I would be so focused on the fact if I'm not overreacting. It's almost as if I needed someone to tell me that my feelings are valid and to confirm that person was indeed rude to me - if that makes sense.

Thank you for all your help, I feel like I understand myself more 🙂  

17 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you just sit there staring at the table or the floor when someone picks on you, that is a clear signal that you lack the confidence to stand up for yourself.

I'm not sure why you're focusing on trying not to be "rude" when these people clearly don't worry about that.

If you don't want to be subjected to this, then something has to change. Practice responses in the mirror if you have to. Or practice on an understanding friend, a sister or cousin. This is what public speakers do. They weren't born knowing how to speak and be assertive in public. They practiced.

I definitely want to change this, I want to overcome this fear and stand up for myself - I know it's strange to be afraid of this as an adult.

I think it has to do with how I was raised as child, I was told that I was being oversensitive and somehow it has stuck with me, so when I am in a situation when someone is rude to me, instead of defending myself, I start to question what's going on, and I feel bad for saying something.

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Great list. Funny, when someone tries a backhanded snark my kneejerk response is also "What do you mean by that?". It puts them on the spot and turns the tables.

Kim, yes read the list and try the suggested retorts.

Yes, I've read that list, it is incredibly helpful 🙂 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Just remember, they're the ones being rude. If anyone should be feeling unconfident it should be them, not you.

Always keep in mind, those kind of people look for who they perceive as weaker people to pick on. Show them you're not weak. They'll knock it off once they see you're not interested in playing their games.

Yes, this is something I need to to - to show them that I'm not weak. This is why I started this thread because I don't want to be the one who gets teased/picked on.