kim42

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I also want to say he seems like a good guy.  There are some guys knowing you're long distance and thus very little chance of anything substantial developing would have taken advantage of that situation, wined and dined you Saturday, spent Sunday together like you wanted, had sex with you, and then dumped you claiming the distance was too great to go further. 

Would you have preferred that? 

As I explained yesterday, I wasn't looking for a weekend fling and I didn't travel to another country to have sex with him.

I wanted to get to know him better and see how we get along outside work. I liked how he made plans and stayed in touch prior to our lunch, he was very consistent and respectful in his messages, so I thought I'd give it a try and spend some time with him.

I'm not saying I am strictly against having a long distance relationship but I realize it might not be a good option for someone like me.

12 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

It’s 2 hours! That’s not very far. It takes me an hour and a half each way every day to get to work. My sister drives to our other sister’s house almost every weekend and they are also an hour and a half away. I don’t consider a 2-hour distance a long distance relationship at all, but, then, I’m from Australia and these kinds of distances are standard to even go to the beach or shopping centre. No one bats an eye here at a couple of hours.

Also, I think you are not putting in much effort at all, yourself. By your own admission, he is almost always the one to initiate contact and actually MAKE proper plans with you. If I were him, I’d think YOU were lukewarm at best and uninterested at most. Your expectations, as others have said, are beyond unreasonable. Also, I think him honouring his previous commitments with his father demonstrates a level of integrity that I would find very attractive. He doesn’t go back on his word. And, perhaps his father is unable to reschedule. 

Edited to add that I just read your update. Hope things keep going in a positive direction.

We're both in Europe so we'd have to take a train. I agree that it's not that far but at the same time the tickets can be expensive.

I'm not sure if a long-distance relationship is a good option for someone like me as I get easily anxious.

I think I showed him that I'm interested, I planned my day around his lunch suggestion on Saturday and then I told him about my plans for yesterday afternoon, and that he could join me if he was free (he couldn't make it because of the thing with his dad).

I texted him last night when I got back home - as he asked me to do, and I also thanked him for his time on Saturday.

I think he probably knows that I'm interested, I mean I think it's obvious from my actions.

So am I being again unrealistic if I think he should offer to see me again and put some effort into planning it (if he's interested of course)?

Because I'm not sure what to do now. 

Another little update: I'm on my way back home and he texted me - he complimented a photo of me from this weekend, and he said he hopes I had a great day exploring the city with my friends. He also said to text him once I get home.

I think that this is positive that he's reached out, right?

I also appreciate your comments and feedback, it has helped me to realize that I didn't even appreciate the lunch meet up yesterday because I was so focused on what he didn't do based on the scenario in my head.

As you can probably tell, dating gives me anxiety and I know I shouldn't be this focused on what he's doing 'wrong'.

I think it's hard for me to just relax and enjoy the journey as someone said, my brain keeps looking for red flags.

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

It’s ok to feel your feelings. The issue is that you’re having cognitive distortions, black and white thinking, in nearly all of your posts. 
 

you’re saying, “if he really liked me he would have done xyz.”  But this is unrealistic. You’re so focused on him behaving a certain way, in very strict binary, that you’re missing the things he has done that point to him liking you; and you’re robbing him off autonomy 

 

you seem like the type of person who, in a relationship, would get upset at your partner for not texting back quick enough: “if you really liked me and wanted to be with me you wouldn’t take an hour to respond!”  Meanwhile discrediting the fact he’s with you, cleans, cooks dinner, takes you on dates, and just generally shows up for you 

 

im just not understanding how you’re hyper focusing on a small detail and overlooking the other very obvious signs 

 

if you leave, and he doesn’t stay in touch and offer to see you again in the future, and it becomes obvious he’s sort of avoiding your attempt at connection, then that’s a more realistic sign that he’s not into it.   But he just saw you for hours! +4 hour commute. He just put 9 hours into you.  Why do you want him to be obsessive? Again, do you have an anxious attachment style?

I agree with the black and white thinking, and I realize I'm being hyper vigilant. I think it's because I had so many bad experiences with men, I tend to see red flags everywhere and it's true that I have this scenario in my head on how a man should behave if he's interested, and I do realize that is unhealthy.

I think I have a hard time believing that someone could like me and not play any games, and that's why I'm focusing on small details.

Thanks for your feedback, this is something I need to work on. 

Someone has asked what my expectations for this weekend were - I wanted to get to know him better and see if we are attracted to each other more than coworkers. I wasn't looking for a weekend fling.

I think because he made plans to meet in his city and put a lot of effort at the beginning, and because we spent 5 hours together yesterday, I probably expected him to follow up afterwards in a different way.

I didn't expect him to cancel all his Sunday plans - again, I understand he has his own life - but I think the main difference between me and him is that for him it was probably just a fun afternoon with some flirting and touching, while I was expecting a follow up from him. I thought he'd say he wants to see me again or something.

I mean he said nice things after the date but for some reason I was expecting something else.

I think it's maybe because I didn't spent this much time on a first meet/date with a man before.

Also, I have no idea what HE expected from the weekend. He said he's attracted to me but he didn't try to sleep with me so I don't know. 

As for the distance, 2 hours is just the train itself, for me it's 2,5 hours and fir him almost 4 hours I think.

Maybe my expectations are unrealistic indeed, I do realize I tend to focus on the negative things.

Ok I feel I need to clarify one thing - we don't live in the same country, and I'm in his city for the weekend. 

He can't ask me to hamg out next week because I won't be here anymore.

I don't know if I'm being that unrealistic, I honestly thought that since I'm in his city for only 2 days, he would make time to see me today (Sunday) too.

I understand that he needs 2 hours to get to the city, and I know we didn't make plans for Sunday and I understand he has his own life too.

I still can't help but feel a little disappointed that he didn't try to make time to see me today, especially because I felt we really clicked yesterday.

I'm confused because I thought he liked me yesterday, he is physically attracted to me and he asked me questions about dating and what kind of man I'm looking for. 

He also said several times he had fun yesterday and enjoyed talking to me. So I think that's why I thought we would see each other again today.

Ok so a little update - we texted this morning a little, he replied to my messages very quickly and he said again that he had fun yesterday and said thanks for meeting up with me.

He said he'd love to see me today but he needs to help his dad with some works at his house.

So I'm a little disappointed, I thought we both liked each other and had a good connection after yesterday but probably it was just me, so I'll have to move on I guess. I mean if he really wanted to see me I think he would make time.

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why should he -this wasn't supposed to be a date and tomorrow is .... really soon! Since you didn't suggest an alternative plan why not do so now -in advance where you travel to him or closer to him if that is possible.

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable suggesting plans for tomorrow, I think the ball is in his court now.

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right so you're allowed to hedge but then he's supposed to wait for you to confirm last minute.  I would have said no because I was interested -meaning if I were in his shoes -it woul have been too much too soon as well as a last minute invitation -an after thought.  But I would have agreed to a plan made in advance - when he said it was too much for tonight did you suggest an alternative?

I'm glad you're coming around to a different point of view.

I didn't suggest an alternative - I think it's his turn now to make plans tomorrow, if he wants to see me again, since he rejected my evening plans.

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This sounds very "polite" but doesn't mean much.  Nor does having things in common and getting on well for five hours. 

I've had great dates where I had fun, enjoyed chatting, laughter etc but felt no romantic chemistry at all. 

Did he mention getting together again?   

 

I think we had chemistry, at least from my point of view, as I mentioned there was some flirting and he touched me too.

I think he did mention it during those 5 hours. He didn't mention anything about meeting up tomorrow so far.

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's clearly interested if he took you to lunch and spent that much time together. Do you like him? Did you have a good time? All you need to do is shoot him a text that you enjoyed yourself. How far apart are you? 

Yes I like him, we have many things in common and I had a good time today.

I sent him a text that I had fun today, and he said he had fun and enjoyed chatting with me too.

We live in different countries but it's only 2 hours by train.

Some comments helped me to see things in a bigger picture, and I admit that my expectations could have been a little unreasonable.

Usually I'm far more relaxed but I'm in his city only for the weekend so that's probably why I thought we'd spend more time together, but it's true that 5 hours is a lot.

I think in the past I would make all kinds of excuses for guys who were flaky or hot/cold that now I see red flags even if things are going well.

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He rejected last minute plans. That required a really long drive. Plans you already made. He invited you to lunch. In advance.  Spent five hours with you. Your turn to make a proper plan in advance that is convenient for him. Not a last minute you can join me later just drive 2 hours plan. 
I couldn’t disagree with you more. And since it wasn’t a date today simply mirror what he did - invite him to do an activity with you.  In advance. That’s convenient for him. 

We already talked about drinks in the evening before so it's not like I mentionned it for the first time but I see what you mean.

I didn't mention doing anything on Sunday because I didn't know how well we would get along.

It started with lunch and then we went for a walk and a drink. I met up with my friends later than planned in the afternoon because we were having a good time and it was obvious we would stay longer than just lunch.

Thanks everyone, I don't know if I'm being unrealistic, it's true he already spent a lot of time with me today. I think if a guy is really interested he won't be too tired to see a woman but it's true he lives far.

He didn't mention anything about seeing me tomorrow so I don't know. I think the ball is in his court now, if he wants to see me, since he rejected evening plans.

So a little update for those following this thread.

He did text me after all in the morning, and we met for lunch as planned. We spent almost 5 hours together, I had a good time with him, it was very different to meet him in a more relaxed environment. I think we both enjoyed this afternoon together, we laughed a lot, he flirted and there was some little touching too so I thought we liked each other. I then met up with my friends as planned.

He didn't want to meet later in the evening though - he lives almost 2 hours from where I'm staying, and he said that as much as he would love to see me again he's too exhausted to commute 2 hours again this evening.

So I think he's probably not interested in seeing me another time. I'm a little disappointed because I thought we both had a good time this afternoon but I guess that just happens sometimes.

So I'm on my way to my weekend getaway destination. The last time we texted was Thursday, I said I'll text him once I arrive to confirm what time we're meeting. 

I was honestly expecting him to text me this morning or something but he didn't so far, so my expectations are not too high, I'll try to enjoy the lunch and then meet my friends.

Thanks guys, I was a little worried because I talked to two of my friends and they both met someone on a dating app, and they said they've beem texting with these men nonstop, so I thought maybe it's a little weird that me and this guy don't text that much.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

So I'm meeting up with this guy this weekend for lunch. I'm a little nervous because before we would only talk about work. Also, we don't text as much as we did at the beginning.

I know texting and meeting in person are too different things but I see my girlfriends texting with men they're interested in a lot more, so I don't know.

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Not that this matters but did you copy and paste this from another advice forum?

Over thinking what may or may not happen on a date or trying to figure all the angles usually causes more trouble than it could ever solve.

 Go and be open and fun but be yourself and let us know how it went.

Lost

I didn't copy anything, why would I do it?

I know I tend to overthink things in general so that's why I asked what you guys think about this situation.

I'll try to relax and not worry too much.

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Starting from lunch there's opportunity to spend more time together (including drinks later) if you both find each other's company enjoyable. But even if that's not the idea, I still don't see a lack of interest in sticking with the earlier hour. If you're interested, I suggest you just go with an open mind.

As to "men doing anything to see a woman they're interested in", let's see:
 - he made sure to keep in contact as you were leaving your previous job;
 - he has taken the initiative to text;
 - he's been kind;
 - he's been interested to get to know you via text and expressed eagerness to meet you again;
 - he's been quick to answer;
 - he suggested making plans;
 - he came up with options (drinks, then lunch) and suggested he would make reservations;
What else do you expect at this point? It sounds delightfully enough to me.

In all honesty and as a personal preference it would be too much for me to make plans for both of the days before even knowing how it feels to be one on one with someone. Who knows, maybe you'll end up meeting for drinks later. Maybe not. Maybe you'll meet on Sunday. Maybe not.

So, yes, don't overthink it, it's too early to judge. Have fun. Hope you have a great time.

This was very helpful, thank you.

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

When you see him,  ask him your questions.  Never guess or have a mysterious person in your life and not know what he's thinking.  It's better to know especially since you're only there for a short visit so yes, it would make sense that since he's free for the day,  he would want to see you all day as opposed to briefly.  Also,  he's been initiating everything.  Is it friendship only or something else?  Be informed so you know where both of you're at.

I hope I can figure it out next weekend, I'd like to get to know him more to see if we are compatible.

I didn't want to ask him directly if it's a date, especially not in a text message, but I hope to know more once I see him again.

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He can't possibly know if he's "interested" before you've even gone on a date. Same goes for you. It could end up that there's no chemistry or you discover something that turns you off or doesn't sit right. Being committed to spending an entire day together would be awkward in that situation.

And messaging and seeing one another at work conferences isn't the same as going out as a potential romantic interest.

BTW, was it made clear this is a date? Or is it framed as two colleagues getting together for lunch?

I agree with him. Play it by ear, see how it goes. Nothing wrong with that.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why do you think that he is a "coat hangar"? So that you could hang your coat every time you deem fit?

You said that you would meet your friend in the evening. He maybe planned to see you for lunch and planned something else in the meantime. Just because you need entertainment for the evening doesnt mean he has to do it. And no, that doesnt mean that he doesnt like you, he wants to see you. Just that he doesnt sing as you play music. Learn to respect somebody else time.

 I think I need to clarify this. When he first mentioned going for drinks, I said yes because my original plan was to have an early dinner with my friend and then have drinks with him, and only after my friend found out about the family thing.
I didn't ask him about drinks in the evening because I "need entertainment".

Hey all,

I hope everyone is well.

I’m supposed to see this guy next weekend, and I thought he was interested but now I’m not sure anymore.

To give you some background – we’ve known each other for a while now, we work in the same field and we would meet occasionally at conferences and other events before covid. We would stay in touch because we worked on the same projects but we would only talk about work. We live in different countries but we're the same nationality.

Earlier this year, I accepted a new job and changed my career path so we don’t work on the same things anymore. Right before I left my old company, he sent me an email and we started to chat. He was changing companies too so we had something to talk about. I already knew at that time that I'll be visiting a friend in the city where he lives in July, so I told him and he said we should meet up again.

We exchanged phone numbers and he was the one to text me first and for the past month he was the one to initiate most of the conversations, we talked about our new jobs and we also started to make plans to hang out that weekend in his city. I should say he's the one who started making plans first. 

He's very friendly and polite, he said several times that he's looking forward to  seeing me, always replied quickly and asked me lots of questions. So at first he suggested going for a drink on Saturday evening, and maybe a week later he asked me if I wanted to have lunch. I said ok for lunch because I'll be meeting my friend later that day. He said he would find a place and make a reservation. 

Later It turns out that my friend has a family dinner Saturday evening so I asked this guy if he still wants to do drinks in the evening as he had mentioned a couple of weeks before (he knows I'm seeing my friend in the afternoon). His reply was a little surprising for me, he said that we should meet for lunch and then play it by ear and see how we feel about it. He said we'll figure out something.

I'd understand if he said he was busy in the evening but he said he's free all day, so now I feel that he probably doesn't want to see me as much as I thought. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I honestly thought he would say yes and make plans for the evening, based on our previous interactions. 

I know it might seem too much to see each other twice the same day but keep in mind I'll be there only for the weekend, and we didn't make any plans for Sunday. 

I know that if a man is interested he will make time and do anything to see a woman, so I'm curious to see what you guys think about this situation.

I wouldn't think too much about him right now - he lives abroad, and it's not even sure if he's coming back or not, maybe you could try to go on dates with men who live closer instead.

I know it sucks when you meet someone and then they move to another country, something similar happened to me this summer but honestly I think it might be better to stop talking to him - he's probably just wasting your time at this point.