kim42

26 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You're not dating though.   

You're also doing something that is very ill advised:  wanting to "spend more time" with him in order to decide whether you are interested in pursuing a long distance relationship.

This is backwards.  If long distance is not good for you, it won't be good for you with ANY guy.  Your anxiety will rule your life.  It's already kind of out of control, if you ask me.  

 

My question was about texting between dates or meets - as I said, the label is not that important for me right now.

I'm aware that this situation is not ideal for my anxiety.

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree every couple has their own texting / communication style regardless of whether it's long distance or local.

However unless I've missed something, Kim and this man had one lunch date and a brief mention from him days later he'd like to see her when he's in her city in August. 

How is this even dating let alone a LDR?

IDK, I think I may have missed something.

Kim, if I may ask, what prompted this thresd?  When was the last time you talked to him?  Texted or whatever.

Are you concerned or feeling badly because you have not heard from him in awhile? 

Have you reached out to him and he hasn't responded? 

What's happening?

I didn't say we're in a relationship, I know we're not, we're just planning to see each other again.

I see the word 'date' is very important for some people, I think it's more relaxed here in Europe so I'm not that concerned about putting a label on our lunch.

We didn't talk for 5 days so that prompted my question about texting. From what I've seen, I understand it's highly personal.

Yes, I'm a little concerned that I haven't heard from him. I haven't reached out myself as I think it's his turn now.

Thank you everyone for your comments, it helps me to share my thoughts here. I know I tend to think in a negative way and expect the worst - it goes back to my anxiety.

As for the texting thing, I don't want to get too attached to it, and I don't need him to text me every day. I thought it would be nice to stay in touch before we meet again though. I'm trying to find a balance but I do admit I wish we texted a little more. I get a little anxious if we don't talk for several days.

I'll probably go on a date with someone else too so I don't get too attached to to this long-distance guy.

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's not a date. So you are not "between dates".

Getting text attached isn't real. Seeing him in person is. August is only a couple of weeks away. See what happens then.

However there's no reason you can't drop him a text once or twice a week to tell him a funny anecdote.

I don't think it matters if we use the word 'date' or not, we are in between seeing each other again. 

I know texting does not replace seeing each other in person, I'm trying to understand how much people communicate in these situations, when they live far from each other.

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. It's too soon to really have an established rhythm and pattern.

Ok, I thought that because of the distance, we would stay in touch more often.

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, you're not "between dates". Unless he asked you for a date on a specific day at a specific time. Did he and I just missed it?

For the moment, he said he'd like to come to visit me on my city later in August.

I understand that normally people don't text that much between dates but since we're not in the same city/country I think this situation is different.

I haven't heard from him in 4 days so I'm not sure how to feel about this.

Before we met in his city, we would text once or twice a week. I guess I thought he would text me more after we met and after he he said he wants to see me again.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't see much of a difference in texting between before and after we met.

35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What makes you believe it's up to you to communicate with him?

Is he communicating with you?  Has he expressed an interest in seeing you again?  

Have you? 

When was the last time you talked/texted?  

How did you guys leave it? 

Chat with ya soon, or something along those lines? 

Sorry for the questions. 

It's so funny I was actually IN this thread and about to post asking for an update!

And then you suddenly showed up!  

 

Yes, he said he'd like to visit me in August, so we chatted about it.

The last time we texted was on Wednesday. Again, I don't expect him to text me every day but maybe I thought he would text me more.

Don't get me wrong, my days are pretty busy so I don't sit all day waiting for him to text me, and I'm trying to be realistic, I know we are both adults with full time jobs.

So I'm not sure how much and often I should communicate with this man.

I realize there is no correct answer to this and I don't need him to text me every day but I've never been in a long-distance situation like this so I'm not sure what to expect.

I know we are not in a relationship or anything, I don't text him that much but I also don't want him to think that I'm not interested.

I try not to overanalyze this, I just wonder what people usually do in this situation.

So I read almost the entire thread and I have a question, and I don't mean this in a bad way.

Alex, why is this man so important for you? I'm sincerely trying to understand why you like him.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You can though. In general can you afford an LD - and what about what you wrote about anxiety levels -that's general -that would apply for anyone - I think that's crucial since you wrote in general you're fairly hesitant about LD in general and this person is looking for a potentially exclusive relationship.  From my personal experience doing LD unless you're totally in -in general -don't bother especially with a serious minded person.  

When I was dating I knew in general LD was a dealbreaker.  Meaning with a person who I was just getting to know.  I knew in general what sort of distance would be prohibitive/dealbreaker so when I met people I screened out based on geography/plans to relocate.  I left my romantic fling 3000 miles away knowing the distance would be too much, and on and on.  I wrote this to you above -I think you're trying to hedge it -what -if you're over the moon about him and he about you suddenly you have the $ you're totally committed to spending to see him? Suddenly your anxiety in general goes POOF so you're cool not seeing him regularly and completely understanding when he prioritizes his dad over you?

Here's why I decided to do LD -and it wasn't based on being over the moon although -wow -we sure were.  I already knew him and had been engaged to him in the past.  I could afford to fly to see him.  I knew we could see each other regularly (it was about every 11 days) and I knew we both wanted to see if this time we'd marry and have a family.  And we agreed to be exclusive from the start.  We were on the same wavelength and practices about keeping in touch when we were apart -it just naturally fell into place.

Had he been a new person in my life -dealbreaker.  Because "in general" -which is what I'm posing to you since in general you've put up a number of obstacles to LD in general - LD was a dealbreaker for me.  My LD with my husband was an exception.  Your only exception here is "but maybe I'll change my mind as I get to know him -and consider that nothing of the general obstacles you posed will change even if he's awesome.

Be fair to this person and to yourself.

I appreciate your reply but I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to spend more time with him.

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So do you want to pursue an exclusive relationship with someone who is long distance -meaning want as in 100% in to the time/effort/money and accepting the downsides of LD? If not I wouldn't bother.  

I can't give you a 100% answer because we've only had one 'date'.

On 7/18/2023 at 6:12 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

 

I agree with Batya but have a question which I hope you will answer honestly. 

Not accusing you of anything, simply asking. 

When you say you need to spend more time with him, are you hoping that HE will somehow try to convince you to give the long distance sitch a go, thus making you feel more secure? 

If not, I can't possibly see the benefit of spending more time with him; you've made your position on long distance very clear - it's not right for you based on your anxiety and the money factor.

Other than hoping he tries to convince you and making you feel more secure about it, what other benefit could there be? 

You're already quite into him as it is and yet you still don't believe long distance is right for you.

Can you clarify?  

 

 

I don't need him to convince me, I just want to be sure that we both want the same thing.

Someone mentioned money - yes, it's not the cheapest train but I didn't say I can't afford it. 

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you consider the two of you already in some kind of relationship? Because if so, that's awfully premature. 

You went on ONE date. There's nothing to "fizzle out". 

If he makes plans to see you again, great. If not, you're going to date others anyway. Right?

Oh no, definitely not, I never said I think we're in relationship.

A little update - we're still in touch and he said he'd like to visit me in my city. He didn't come up with a specific date or a plan though so I'm not sure if he really means it.

I'm already worried that this will fizzle out soon. I'm trying to stay busy and I'll try to meet other men.

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not fair to see him again though -he said he was looking for an exclusive LTR and you're not 100% in on the long distance part so I'd step aside and let him find someone who is.  

I think in order to know if I could do a long-distance thing I'd need to see him again and spend more time with him. I don't think that's unreasonable.

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

So much needless wondering. It could all be solved by one conversation - “Hi ______. I had a really great time on the weekend with you. I’m not sure how we might go about the distance, but, if you’re interested in seeing each other again, I’d love to go on/take you out on a date and see how things unfold from there. Is that something you’d like to do/pursue?” 

So much could be clarified with a single conversation. Two birds with one stone - you’ll find out where he stands and if favourable, you’ve also just created the opportunity to plan a date. I’ve lived in Europe - in Dresden/Pirna, which is right on the German/Czech boarder, and would often take a 2 hour bus to Prague, which was fairly cheap. I wonder you can do something similar and each meet half way to reduce individual expenses and travel time.

I like this, thank you! 

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you the type who will become extremely anxious if he takes several hours to respond to your text? Or if he goes a full day or two without texting you? What about if he has plans and can't see you on a certain weekend, would that cause you anxiety? 

Are you active on any dating apps? Do you go to events or belong to any coed groups? 

I don't go dating apps that much anymore, I think I have one app on my phone but I don't really use it. I go to many events and I'm.part of many expat groups in my city.

I admit that I get anxious about texting sometimes.

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My thinking Bat was when he said he'd love to see her Sunday but had plans with his dad, he might have said "but what about next weekend? 

Or something indicating he'd like to see her again.  

That's always what men who were interested in dating me did, but in any event @Kim just play it by ear. 

If he reaches out, great, if not, that's okay too. 

Again, live your life and remain open to all possibilities. 

That is what I always did and it's served me well.

Keep us posted!

 

This is not to defend him or make excuses for him but from a practical point of view - we live in different countries, and the train tickets are pretty expensive, especially for last minute plans so it's not that easy to make plans for next weekend.

Also, he's never been to my city/country.

I am interested in spending more time with him, otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for advice. However, I do realize that a long distance thing might not be the best option for me because I'm aware of my anxiety issues. That doesn't mean I don't want to see him again, I think my anxiety is something I could work on - not just because of him of course.

48 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He probably liked you just fine. He also may have realized how unrealistic it is to pursue a long distance dating situation (can't call it a relationship at this point).

And have you considered he may be dating locally in his area?

He told me he went on one date from a dating app but didn't like the girl, and prefers meeting people in real life. But he probably goes on other dates too.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I'll see if he tries to keep up the communication or not, but it seems that for him it was only a weekend thing.

I think I maybe got a little too carried away, I never spent 5 hours on one 'date' with a man before.

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well there you go, he said he's looking for something exclusive. 

Please explain how that would be possible when you just said a long distance relationship would not be right for you? 

How could anything further develop at all given the fact you're not into long distance? 

Were you hoping his interest was so strong he would try to convince you to have a long distance relationship?  I don't know, just asking 

I see two possibilities here for why he didn't wish to spend Sunday with you, neither of which had anything to do with his dad. 

1.  He thought about it and realized the logistics of long distance wasn't going to work for him either so no point in spending Sunday together, or

2. He got home from the meet/date, had time to think on it further and realized while he had a good time, he just wasn't all that interested regardless of the distance. 

I'm sorry.  Why not simply cherish the memory like Batya did and let it go, move on? 

It was one meet.

 

Sure, it's possible that he's not that interested. I don't understand why he would reach out to me then after I left, on my way home, and complimented my picture, and wanted to know when I arrive home.

I don't know what I'm missing here, please let me know if I see things the wrong way.

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So your desire was to have this one great weekend together (no sex) and that's it. 

OK thanks for clarifying. 

I stand by what I posted originally that is NOT a realistic or even a fair expectation.

Most people wouldn't go for that unless like I said it was a quick no strings weekend fling, which you didn't want either.

Totally confusing.

If you can't understand that I don't know what else to tell ya.

Good luck. 

 

 

 

I didn't have any special goal or expectations. I planned the trip to that city before he suggested meeting up.

I think I didn't expect we would get along so well. He made it very clear he was single and looking for something exclusive. 

I don't know what he expected from this weekend, we never really talk about it.