kim42

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. I mean you going to extremes about hot cold. It’s not cultural- you had one sort of date. He suggested vaguely visiting next month. So there’s no next date.  People who plan on getting together again soon often stay in touch - whether friends or dating. You have no set plan to see him again. And the vague plan is a month away. Not soon. 

I never said this guy was in the hot/cold behavior category. I just mentioned that these are the men I try to avoid.

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How is keeping in touch "hot" -isn't that just sort of plain vanilla basic stuff if you want to get to know someone? 

I personally see (again just me personally) cold as going MIA in an extreme way -like intentionally ignoring someone after an argument -or asking a woman out weekly for a month then suddenly not -and responding coldly to the woman asking him out/inquiring.  You seem to place a lot of emphasis on a man simply keeping in touch with you -or a man being flaky/inconsisent as "cold" -doesn't that make your anxiety worse -this perception that just because he  texts you regularly he's "hot" in his intensity?

I would think those sorts of expectations set up anxious triggers.

It was just an example, something that happened to me a lot in the past.

Maybe it's a cultural difference, I don't know, but here in Europe people stay in touch between meets/dates - it's fairly normal over here.

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What is your definition of hot/cold behavior?

Reason I ask is I have one acquaintance who if a guy doesn't text back within 30 minutes (or an hour tops) of her text, will accuse him of going cold and block him.

She complains about never finding a good guy but never gives any man a chance!  

 

 

I don't take it this far, I know people get busy so I don't expect everyone to reply quickly.

This guy has been for most of the time quick to reply to my messages.

For me hot/cold behavior is mostly when a man is not consistent in how he communicates with me - earlier this year I went for 2 dates, then I didn't hear from the guy for almost a week, and then he started to message me and ask me out again.

Or when a man is texting me, interacting with me on social media but doesn't ask me out or makes vague plans/doesn't follow up.

I have been on many dates with men like this, and I've kept meeting men that I didn't have much in common so maybe that's why I like this 'one lunch' guy, because I finally clicked with someone.

We're originally from the same country but we both moved to a different country so I feel closer to him than the local guys in a way.

Just thought I'd give you a bit more context as to why I like him.

10 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

When you say things like this are you aware it’s a cognitive distortion? 
 

you remind me a lot of myself, I’ve spent a lot of my life deciding what people felt because it was a safe bet for me.  I didn’t have to let go of any sort of control, I believed that i knew what people were thinking, how they felt, what they wanted, and it gave me a very clear cut understanding of how I should behave in response, no questions asked.  I had created a world where no one else existed 
 

once I started to allow myself to accept people were their own person, with their own thoughts and intentions that I really couldn’t know for sure, well that’s when my own anxiety started.  Everything I had used in my past to feel confident with my interactions with others became dismantled 

I see you are doing this, too.  You’ve already determined how this person feels, and what he should be doing, how things need to look like; and when it follows suit your anxiety goes away so certain behaviors in others are rewarding for you.  You’re trying to control the narrative so that your tensions about the situation also go away  

 

the thing is that is not how life actually works.  Your anxiety is a byproduct of not being able to self soothe and expecting another’s behavior to regulate you and it’s so distressing you just want the person to “admit they don’t want to see you” to get it all over with.  It’s robbing another person of their autonomy and it also causes you to live in a sort of fantasy world where another’s reality isn’t actually acceptable to you (because it brings you anxiety)

 

in someone else’s silence, is there anyway you can work on teaching yourself that their silence doesn’t have to mean or represent anything in particular? 
 

Even though it might [mean something], the issue is that your anxiety isn’t a trustworthy guide to help you discern those sorts of things  

 

 

Thank you, this is really helpful. There are some days when my anxiety is really bad.

He actually texted me yesterday in the evening and we talked a little.

I know I get anxious easily, I think I don't want to lose time with someone who doesn't follow up/is not interested.

I would make all kinds of excuses for guys I dated in the past and tolerated hot and cold behavior, and I don't want to do this anymore.

57 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One more try and then I'll leave this alone.  🙂

You have no idea how he sees you, as a friend or a potential romantic partner or anything else.

You are basing your assumption he sees you as a friend because he's not pursuing/chasing you as you expect men to do in a "dating situation."

He "should" be texting/calling, he should be making it known he wants to see you, he should do this, he should do that.

Difference is, as you just acknowledged, you are NOT dating

You had one date and another one tentatively scheduled for end of month when he's in your city.

You said you don't want to get attached, then don't.  Don't allow yourself to go there, it's too soon and there is no reason for it.  Not yet after only one lunch meet. 

Remain detached.  From the outcome especially and allow everything to just "be" and let it happen, IF it's meant to happen.

I think you're expectations about this are unrealistic and in an attempt to not get hurt, you're going to cut off any opportunity for you and him to ever connect.  Or reconnect.

I mean who the hell knows. He could come to your city end of month with no contact prior, have a second date and fall in love with you!

I've seen it happen.

All the best whatever you decide. 

 

 

Even if we're not dating, I don't think it's unrealistic that I expect that he texts me until we meet again - IF he's interested.

I don't expect him to chase me, but I think that IF he's interested, it should not be so hard to stay in touch, especially since we're far away from each other.

I think it's strange that he said he wanted to visit me in my city and then disappeared for one week. So I assume he's changed his mind and doesn't want to do it anymore.

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not? If he's a nice guy who cares if he's kind of around but not exactly dating level intensity? There's nothing to get upset about because you haven't lost anything and maybe made a nice if casual connection.

Try not to shut everyone out of your life due to anxiety.  You can still be "looking for" whatever you're "looking for" without axing this guy out completely.

I don't want to get attached to someone who's not interested in me in a romantic way. As you probably know by now, I like him but if he sees only as a friend/former coworker I don't think it makes sense to see him again.

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why?  By doing so, he shuts the door for good.

By saying nothing, he leaves it open in case he changes his mind or is simply busy with other things and will reach out closer to when he'll be in your city. 

Why not live your life, meet and date other men and remain open to this possibility?

Remember you only has the one lunch meet/date, you're not actually "dating." 

Lower expectations, remain open to ALL possibilities and live your life.

That's what I'd do even though you're disappointed he hasn't reached out.

Life is full of twists and turns, don't rule anything out.

I understand what you're trying to say but I'm not sure if I want to see him again if he disappears now, and then reappears in 2 months. That's not what I'm looking for.

And yes, I know we're not dating.

We didn't text too much before we met for lunch, maybe once or twice a week so it's not like a big change in texting but at that time we already had a plan to meet in his city. So I think it's different now.

I wish he would say that he changed his mind and doesn't want to come to visit instead of disappearing.

Yes, it's a little disappointing but luckily I have many things going on in my life right now so it will be easier to focus on something else.

I still haven't heard from him, it's been a week now. I now think he won't come to visit my city as he was planning, it was probably just a one meet/date thing. I'll focus on my life and try to meet someone who lives closer.

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You said earlier you would probably go on a date with another guy - anything happening with that?  

It would be wise for you to assume that the long distance guy is actively dating.  Since he's looking for a relationship he really should be, for his own best interests.   This will influence the pattern of how much he texts with you (or anyone else he is dating or interested in).   

So in a nutshell, you both seem interested in each other and more will be revealed next month when he comes to see you.  In the meantime, life goes on.   It would be more ideal for you to have a relationship with someone who is local, is that correct?  If a good prospect showed up?  You probably don't want to cancel out that possibility for yourself at this stage.

That date will most likely happen later in August too - we will both go on vacation soon. 

18 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

If your last text didn’t involve a question and was a conclusion to a convo then it’s not exactly double texting as the last one didn’t require a response. 

Ok thank you, I didn't realize this.

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why not shoot him a text?  "Hey, was just thinking of you, how was your weekend"?

I would and have!  And he was always happy to hear from me and we either scheduled a date or confirmed the date.

Like I said, trying to stay away from rigid stereotypic male/females roles where the man pursues/chases.

Act from a place of confidence versus insecurity or seeking reassurance.  Acting from confidence makes all the difference.

If you want to say hi and reconnect, then do so with confidence! 

I mean it's been five days, that's not chasing. It's not even "double texting."

It's saying hi after 5 days of silence from the both of you. 

 😂

 

That sounds like a good a idea, I think I prefer to wait for him to reach out though, I don't want to double text.

Maybe my thinking is too rigid but I don't want to chase him. We usually take turns in reaching out and now it's his turn I think. 

30 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Did he give any indication when in August he'll be visiting?  August 1st is one week from tomorrow! 

Would you feel comfortable shooting him a text and asking? 

I think that would be okay.  

I'm trying to stay away from stereotypic male/female roles that the man always has to reach out first after a text convo naturally ended. 

It will probably be later in August because I'm going on vacation next week, and he knows about it.

22 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

But then, you felt  that he was not “into you” because he declined following up your 5 hour first date with another marathon on the same day, and again the following day.  
 

 

 

 

 

That was my immediate reaction after the lunch, and then I understood I was being unrealistic. When I was able to think about it with a clear mind, I could appreciate the the time we spent together and the effort he made.

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I completely understand, and in your shoes, if I chose to continue (massive IF), I might feel the same.  

When there's been only one date and the connection is tenuous, "out of sight, out of mind" can happen, it DOES happen.

I don't know what to say because you don't want to be chasing him.   And of course you sent the last, and double texting is not typically advised. 

I suppose you'll simply have to live with a bit of uncertainty for awhile till you hear back.

Stay busy, live your life same as before your lunch date and try to stay positive.

That's all you can really do. 

I hope he reaches out soon, keep us posted!

Thank you, I appreciate this!

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Kim, correct me I'm wrong on this but I think I get where you're coming from.

You had one date, you connected.  And while one date doesn't technically classify as "dating" you nevertheless wanted to keep the interest level and connection alive, perhaps even increase the connection through texting.

Basically substitute texting for in-person dates since you're long distance.

If I'm correct, you're not alone many people do this.  

And sometimes it does increase the connection. 

Sometimes however the texting can create a sort of false intimacy because it's based on the "idea" of the person, not a real live person in front of you face to face.

I've done it myself and got burned so now, or when I start dating again, it won't be on line or long distance. 

Anyway, it was just something I was thinking about so thought I'd toss it out there for you to consider.

If I'm off on this, feel free to disregard! 

 

Yes, I was hoping to keep the interest alive. 

I am aware of the false intimacy thing so I don't want to text too much of course. I just think that if we don't talk/text at all, then the connection will disappear.

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Kim, how did you guys leave your last text exchange 4 or is it now 5 days ago?

Since you said "the ball is in his court" I take it you were the last to text, so curious what it said.

Did you ask a question that required a response? 

Or did it naturally fade out till the next time? 

It's 5 days now.

Yes, I was the last to send a messsge, he reacted with an emoji to it. He said something about our lunch meet and I replied to it. It wasn't a question, it just naturally faded out and it was also late at night.

2 minutes ago, kehratha said:

I completely understand you, the only thing you should keep in mind is that cannot be one sided. He has to wish that too.

That' s why I said that for me is like a dance....one step from you, one step from him😊

I totally agree, thank you for your input 😊

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That is not done by texting in this situation and often can be undone like if you get anxious and double text or your texts reflect anxiety.  Or in person then feels weird.

My anxiety aside, I don't see anything wrong with staying in touch and texting until we meet again. I don't double text. 

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's awesome, but you would have to be 100% OK with only seeing him every few weeks. And be OK if he's not the type to text frequently. You could not expect him to manage your anxiety.

BTW, does your anxiety require treatment? Or are you more impatient than anxious?

I've been seeing a therapist to help me deal with my anxiety.

3 minutes ago, kehratha said:

If OP knows that for sure, yes, texting is meaningless.

But I got the feeling that she's willing to do LDR, if they get along and build a connection. So she's trying to build or keep the connection by texting😊. Which is fine, IMHO, IF he wants the same thing like her.

 

Yes, that's something I've been trying to explain over here. I'd like to keep the connection.

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I've felt that way with people including on dates. The other piece is whether a relationship is possible.  That requires more than what you wrote.  Also consider since you basically dismissed -earlier in this thread -having an LDR maybe it's safer to feel so connected to someone who is likely not available to you?

That's true, it's one thing to have a great time on a date and another thing to invest in a long-distance relationship.

I've been on many dates this year and I didn't feel this way. Maybe it was easier to connect because we already knew each other.

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So why would you want to pursue it?

I get that you like this man and he seems to like you. But that's not supremely unique. You could meet someone tomorrow who lives five miles away and who you could see regularly. Instead of relying heavily on your electronic device to make you feel connected. 

I think you said you intend to pursue dating locally. I think that's an excellent idea. 

I felt there was a special connection when we met for lunch and I felt I could be myself with him.