kim42

He didn't make any firm plans yet to visit, so I think he probably moved on and is not interested anymore. I know someone will tell me again that I see things in a negative way but this level of uncertainty is not easy for me, and it helps me to write about it. 

 I don't like this guy, I can't help it. I know it can be a little awkward to have sex with someone new for the first time but I don't think I'd have patience for this.

I hope Alex won't get hurt by this guy.

I think I'm confused - he was feeling sick but still managed to help his friends? This story sounds fishy to me, sorry. I think I said this before, I wouldn't trust this man.

7 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Call him 

We only text for now.

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It may be less about affording and more about not being to take time from a new job if he lands something soon.

Glad you've been back in touch.

That's true, however, I think he could come only for a weekend as I did, so no need to take time from work.

I was hanging out with his guy earlier this year but then I discovered some things about him that I didn't like. I left his messages on read.

I had a similar impression as @Sindy_0311, I didn't want to mention it because I'm someome who sees red flags everywhere, but I thought it was strange he asked to be exclusive after visiting her place.

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Likely, yes. 

That might also interfere with his ability to travel, so wait and see if he's actually able to make the trip. 

Yes, I'll just wait now to see if he is able to afford the trip.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Told ya!  😂

Is he still planning on visiting in few weeks? 

I don't know, he didn't mention it, and I didn't want to bring up it either. I don't want to pressure him.

He's currently unemployed and looking for jobs, so maybe this is his priority right now.

I'm on vacation right now and he knows I'll be back later this month. I don't know how much in advance he wants to plan it.

A quick update - I sent him a 'happy birthday' message, he replied very quickly and we texted for almost 2 hours. I like how polite and respectful is.

I don't know if it's just me, but he can't take you out on a 'real date', but wants to buy all these things for camping.

I hope you'll enjoy the trip and I truly hope he's a good guy.

Even if he doesn't have money, you can still go to a park or something. Are there any free museums or exhibitions?

I agree with others, staying home and watching movies isn't really a 'date' to me.

This is more exciting than the book I'm currently reading 😁

Why would someone share such a story on the first date? I think he's creepy and wouldn't trust him.

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - think of it this way -these days it's common even with FB "friends" -I do also text my good friends-in addition to FB because I want to know how they're doing/how they celebrated etc.  So yes- nice -and certainly not overdone.

Ok, thank you, I know it was maybe a silly question, I just don't want to overdo it.

Quick question - I know it's his birthday this week, is it okay if I send him a happy birthday message?

Did you exchange phone numbers or social media? She seems very shy and reserved.

Maybe he's just shy. You can always ask him if he wants to get coffee if you like him. 

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Kim, while I get that the hair splitting sounds nit picky and comes off as exhaustive and mean spirited, I think the gist is that you are applying dating standards to a loosely established acquaintance who has hit it off with you but is not yet part of your dating pool.

So whatever rigid dating rule book you’re still reverting to does not apply. And that’s not an admonishment— it’s looking out for you.

You have a potentially interested acquaintance in another country. You can encourage him, or you can keep score on texts and impose rules and project measures and meanings onto an otherwise blank canvas.

I’d talk myself out of the latter.

Thank you, this is very helpful.

14 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Other than "expect," I agree.  It's not unrealistic to "believe" that you'd stay in touch. 

Toss the expectation out. 

What I fail to understand is why you believe it's on HIM to keep in touch, make all the effort. 

Again, your last text exchange ended naturally, it was not left open-ended that required a response from him.

It takes two people making effort to develop a dating relationship or a serious one.  Not just the man and not just the woman. 

You "liked" my previous post, and wondering if you read my edit.

I realize these preconceived notions you have about men and women and the various "roles" of each, have been instilled in your psyche probably since you were a kid and observing your parents and the world around you.

But times have changed.  Many men in today's dating culture require women to make effort too, to initiate.

They look out for it to determine what type of woman she is.  Entitled, expecting the man to do all the "work."

I know this from a therapy "group" I attended years ago (men and women), my brothers and the men I've dated and had relationships, and my husband. 

I'm not suggesting you chase him, no please don't!

But a simple "hi, thinking of you, how've you been"?  Or something in your own style?

What have you got to lose?  Nothing.  But everything to gain if it turns out he's feeling uncertain like you and inclined to simply let it fade out. 

If he's not receptive to your light and friendly reach out, then you've got your answer.

And by the way, after I sent my ex a text saying hi with a meme after nearly two weeks NC, he responded in less than 10 minutes and was thrilled to hear from me!  

I won't get into why I had not heard from him first, it's very personal and not relevant.

We dated for a few years after that.

I didn't see your edit at first, thank you.

I admit my thinking can be a little rigid, I think I don't want to come across as needy but I see it's ok to reach out first too.

I believed we need to 'take turns' in texting but maybe that's too strict. Also, he made most of the effort before we met for lunch so now I'm maybe used him alwats reaching out. He always replies quickly to my messages.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it's the degree of keeping in touch that I would find unrealistic from your expectations.  He  says he wants to meet again.  He has yet to act on it.

Yes, I know he has yet to make firm plans/buy tickets.

I think we probably disagree on this - I don't think it's too much to text once a week. I told a few of my friends about him, and they all asked if we're still in touch after our meet/date.

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's all in the previous posts how you keep changing up what you want with this person/what you are looking for and yet your expectations seem to be that he act like he is dating you/interested in dating you.

I like him and would like to see him again but I know it's not so easy with the distance.

I don't think it's unrealistic to expect we'd stay in touch, especially since he wants to meet again. We both had a good time the 'first' time, we both like each other, I'll try to be less anxious and not overanalyze and see what happens.

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The moving target comment I made above and then earlier too.

I think I'm confused, can you please explain?

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Do you understand what people mean by "changing the goalposts" here?  What do you think about that?  

I'm not sure what you mean.

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

"Between dates" implies you two have discussed and are in agreement that you are in some sort of dating situation. You're not. He said he would like to get together when he visits your city in a few weeks. That is not a commitment or relationship or even the intention of exploring a potential relationship. 

If you keep setting these expectations you will continue to be disappointed. Don't demonize or idealize him yet. Give the guy a chance to want to get to know you better on a more personal level.

I appreciate everyone's input, but as I said before, it's not that important for me if it's a meet or a date, we don't place such an importance on the word 'date' over here.

If he visits my city, it will be to see me, he doesn't have any other connection here, he's never been here. It would be different from what I did when I spent the weekend in his city.

I know we're not in a relationship, for now he wants to plan another meet/date.