kim42

11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I often wonder if stories would be different if we knew the other side. I had a friend from college. She had long distance boyfriend that I knew from my other friend since both of them were in the same city. Anyway, they lasted few months but she broke up because of his lack of effort since they didnt saw each other in a while and he didnt seem that eager. But I found out from my friend that the guy(her ex) literally bought the flowers and wanted to come see her and surprise her when she broke up with him over message.

So yes, we dont know the other side. But we work with what we know. Whole purpose of the Forum is to give a helpful advice to OP based on what we know and what OP can tell us. Now, some OPs can be an unreliable narrators. But we still work with what we are told. Not from what it looks like from other end. From what we know he maybe(like my friends ex) is buying flowers and wants to surprise her. But he doesnt convey any of that to OP. So its not really that relevant. And its still the best for her to move on for now. Maybe he found a job and busy over that for example. But its still not relevant to OP who hasnt heard from him in 10 days and doesnt know that. And again, I think she did more then enough effort there and that the ball is in his court. If he wanted something out of this he wouldnt let this fizzle that easily and would at least message her. 

Your last 2 sentences summarize exactly how I feel about this situation. 

20 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I dunno about that, this sounds like a game with rules that both parties didn’t sign up to. As long as the communication is somewhat balanced you can’t really keep tabs like this. “I did it last time so this time I’ll fold my arms and pout.”  From what I understood of their story there seemed to be equal communication. And now it equally stopped.  She’s upset over it, and we’re assuming he’s not (which very well may be an accurate assumption, btw)

 

we know she’s interested because we are privy to this thread, she may be a lot more stoic with him.  She literally said she wouldn’t text to “not seem needy” 
 

we have no idea what it actually all looked like from his end. 
 

 

Maybe I misunderstood the events earlier on but from what i had gathered, she was already in town for reasons other than him and he drove something like 4hours, to and from, to see her.  He’s put in effort 

 

Yes, but so could she. she was also radio silent for 10 days. I just can’t wrap my mind around this one 

 

I definitely am not saying im right, I don’t know that I am.  I just know that someone not texting for 10 days doesn’t mean they aren’t interested, clearly 

 

another disclaimer: I don’t necessarily think this man is interested in her. I’m moreso worried for her moving forward with new people, that she would enact these same rigid standards and sit on her hands waiting to see which hoops men will jump through without providing them the rule book in which they’re being judged by. 
 

id be curious what would occur if she were to text this particular person “hi I haven’t heard from you, are we still on for the end of august?”  It would be good practice in being direct and clear, and she’d get an answer and can move on from this guy 
 

 

Yes, I confirm, our lunch 'date' was added long after I planned this trip.

He indeed lives in the suburbs of that city and it took him 2 hours to get there.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I'll try to be more open with future men. I was disappointed so many times in the past that it's hard for me to open up and show clear interest, but I realize I can't stay in my shell forever.

I like the idea that you mention - to send him a clear message. As you probably can tell, I'm afraid of rejection but it would be helpful to know for sure.

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I understood she was traveling there and added seeing him onto the trip. Not that she traveled there for the sole purpose of seeing him.

Oh, so YOU are the one who set late August as the date? Perhaps with his job search he can't meet that deadline so he sort of gave up on the idea.

At any rate, I doubt he can afford a trip while unemployed, also he needs to stay close by in case a great potential employer asks for an interview. He can't exactly say "I can't, I have a trip planned". Add in long distance and I can see why he wouldn't pursue.

And I agree, if you have time to text for hours you have time for quick 30 minute coffee meetups. The right man could be around the corner but you'll never meet him if you're solely focused on this long distance guy. 

Yes, thanks for clarifying. Our lunch was indeed something I squeezed into my weekend plans in that city, I was there to see my friends.

I don't remember exactly, I think we both agreed on the end of August - he knew I was supposed to travel before. 

He wanted to visit his family in his home country in August, while he was unemployed, but then changed his mind and decided to stay in his city and look for a job.

I could abdolutely understand that he doesn't want to/can't travel when he's unemployed, it would be nice to tell me though.

I agree with your last paragraph, thank you.

11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Yes she has.  She's the one driving this.  

I don't agree, I think we both initiated contact equally, we would usually take turns. And it was his idea to meet, not mine.

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because she initiated contact last time. Not only that but she came to him to see him him, not the other way around. As far as her interest goes, there is very little doubt there. Its his interest that is under doubt. Because he doesnt convey it aside of flimsy promises how he would maybe come see OP. I mean I get it, he doesnt owe her anything. But even if he likes her, he could convey his interest better then just be radio silent for 10 days. 

I get what you are saying. Just dont think this one is on OP and that she should be on the block when she literally came to him to see him and initiates contact all the time. 

I should probably clarify this - I didn't come to see him. My trip to the city where he lives was planned long before he reached out to me, it had nothing to do with him. He said we should meet up AFTER I told him I'd be in his city. 

As for texting, we would usually take turns so I don't think it was me all the time.

I'm the one who probably needs more contact in this situation but he would text too - especially several days after our lunch.

3 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

So are you not dating right now because your job is your main focus at the moment? You said you're not on dating apps any more.

I asked because when you have time for a 5 hour date, and spend hours texting someone back and forth (even if it was not a regular thing), I think you do have time to get out and go on dates. I mean definitely would understand if you said "terrible luck in finding a good match on those dating apps so I stopped." But if you say "don't have time." I don't know, I think you do have time but you are putting all your eggs in one basket hoping this guy shows you that he is invested.

 

I've been on many dates this year and had no luck so far. I met someone I was seeing for a while in April and May but then I noticed sone red flags so I ended it.

I took a break from dating after this 'red flag' guy because I started my new job. Then I traveled and I wasn't in my city for almost a month - with little breaks. Now I'm back and will start dating again.

That 5 hour date was on a weekend and I had to adjust my weekend plans in that city because I didn't expect to stay that long, so that was exceptional.

It's true that I didn't have a connection with someone like him in a while, and that's why I liked him.

I agree with you though, I should start dating more regularly.

22 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

this is the issue with people who go into anxiety spirals.  The hard facts of the story are often accurate, but the story they tell is interwoven with feelings that the sufferer relays as definitive things. 
 

As an example: you’ve said with certainly that he’s “faded away” and all of these other dramatic terms.  Anyone listening to you is going to assume that you must have attempted to reach out to him because why else would someone make such statements 

well, anxiety.  

the thing is, you went quiet and “faded away” for 10 days too. How can the burden to soothe you be strictly on him? 
 

“if he was interested he’d have reached out” well you’re interested and you didn’t reach out. This is operating in anxiety, not reality.  You have to make an effort to live beyond your fears and be direct with the people you want to see.  
 

do I think he’s interested? I don’t know. The trip probably isn’t going to happen.  But I just think it’s ironic you put that burden on him but didn’t hold yourself to the same rigid set of rules. 
 

His friends could be telling him he’s nuts for wanting to take a trip with a girl who can’t even be bothered to text him for 10 days, “you deserve better bro.” 
 

so someone needs to be direct. It doesn’t need to be you, but then I don’t know that you get a pass for relaying events without being more honest about your equal lack of initiation

it may not work out with this guy but you don’t want to self sabotage anything in the future with men who are available for you simply because they didn’t pass the goal posts you set up, that they know nothing about. 

you’re playing a game and not notifying anyone that you signed them up to compete in it 

You've made some good observations, I'll keep it in mind for future interactions with men.

As for this guy, I think I showed him that I'm interested, I wished him happy birthday and asked about his job situation. I then went on a vacation and he knew about it, and I thought he would send me a message and ask about my vacation. 

When we talked about the visit, I told him he can come in late August - I think he knows that I'm interested. It's true I didn't reach out in 10 days either.

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is OK I think if he was interested in keeping the contact he would. He is not required to keep contact, but yes, if he was interested in something more he would not let it fizzle out.

Its a good reminder to set up your expectations low for stuff like this in the future. Distance is big so he doesnt feel obligated about anything. He maybe just doesnt feel its realistic to pursue you, maybe even found somebody locally. And yes, its a dissapointing. But again, that is why its good to set up a bar low next time if it happens. Live and learn. Sorry that it happened.

Yes, I think it's possible he met someone local.

I'll remember this for next time, thank you.

Also, sorry for my English, I feel that my sentences are not very good today 😁🦥

11 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Have you texted him at all during the 10 days? 
 

I mean, if not then couldn’t the same be said about you? 

No, I didn't text him during the 10 days. 

The last time we texted, it was his birthday, so I sent him a HB message and we texted for almost 2 hours about other things too.

I don't want to initiate another conversation because I don't want to come across as needy.

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

As I have understood the whole story, there has never been any indication that he's interested in you as a relationship partner.  

You had one lunch, you both felt a spark, there was talk of a visit in August.

That's it.

Clearly you are quite hung up on this guy and I don't think it's healthy.  If I were in charge of you (don't worry, I know I'm not 😃)  you would have been dating other guys  since that lunch.   It seems clear that you are looking to be in a relationship.  So you ought to be focussing your efforts on prospects you could actually date.  Not obsessing over this guy.

 

 

I can't read his mind obviously but I believe there were several indications that he was interested. I don't remember how many details I mentioned here but some of our interactions and text messages were definitely not just friendly, and based on the questions he asked me when we met, I believe that at some point he was interested. 

It's not easy to go on dates for me at the moment, I have a new job that consumes a lot of my time, and I was also traveling a lot recently. And I don't go on dating apps anymore. I should see this other guy in September though.

Yes, I liked him a lot, I didn't meet someone I'd have so much in common with in a while. I know I need to move on, it helps me to get everythig off my chest, that's why I postel here and why I've asked people not to be too harsh with me - I'm trying to move on, trust me. 

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I’m sorry you’re disappointed, OP. I can understand why. 

I agree that you’d have heard from him by now if he were more interested. Whether it’s the distance or job-hunt or lack of romantic intention, he doesn’t appear to want the same thing you did out of this. 

I would chalk it up to experience and consider it a write-off at this point.  

Thank you, yes, it's a disappointment. The last time we texted it was a good conversation, I didn't notice any change in his behavior, he was replying very quickly and the conversation flowed easily, so that's why I'm a little upset now that he's gone silent.

Please don't be too harsh, I just need to vent. I continue to live my life but I'm a little disappointed I think.

So we haven't talked for 10 days now. He's never been a huge texter but we would usually text maybe once a week.

I think I'm a little sad that it has faded out like this, the lunch/date that lasted 5 hours went really well, and we also texted a lot afterwards, amd he wanted to plan the visit in my city.

I understand that it happens that people change their mind, I think it's more the fact that he's disappeared like this that upsets me. If it was some random guy from a dating app, I would not be surprised but we've known each other for several years.

I know some people will tell me that we don't need to text all the time because we're not dating but I think you don't go quiet for 10 days if you're interested in someone.

19 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I wouldn't expect that.  It's too final, and things may change later.  

It's best to keep it open ended, live your life and be open to seeing each other again sometime in the future assuming you're still interested and available at that time. 

 

I like this, and I'll think about it if my anxiety gets worse again.

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I agree. 

I would do this for anyone I was thinking of visiting - friends, family, love interest. It's common courtesy. 

Yes, it would be nice to have some sort of follow up. We talked about 'around late August' so there is still some time but I'll just live my life and see what happens.

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't disagee with this. In fact, I said earlier his job hunt may interfere with his plans to come visit. 

That doesn't change the fact that he's said nothing to OP again about visiting, regardless of what the reason for a delay might be. If he remains silent, she knows not to expect him this month. 

I wish he communicated a little better - even if he doesn't want to visit anymore for whatever reason, it would be nice if he told me.

And I know we're not dating and he doesn't have to tell me.

44 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I would agree if he were not job seeking. Now it makes sense to me that he targeted a month later and then went silent.

 I always put off dating during my times of unemployment. Not because of expense, but because of focus. I was not motivated to date during such a time of upheaval.

He likely targeted August believing he would be employed by then. The fact that he’s not there yet may be really scary for him.

Take this outside the context of dating, and consider him a future prospect who is just not where he needs to be right now.

It's true that the train tickets are not that cheap, and my city is pretty expensive. Maybe he doesn't want to visit as unemployed.

I don't want to ask him so I'll just leave it as is.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -and you can know that and yet have expectations that are more in line with what Jaunty wrote.  Perhaps this is reminding you of other situations where you were disappointed/frustrated/annoyed and you kind of lump them all together.

I'd assume as Catfeeder suggested that he has to focus on finding a job -and perhaps that might require some sort of relocation too.  

I don't see why in most cases temporary unemployment would be any sort of dealbreaker.  With rare exception -I mean if the person was fired for illegal activity or intends to remain unemployed and travel the world for a year etc.

Maybe I'm wrong here, based on some comments here, but even if we are NOT dating, when he talked about visiting me, I assumed he wanted to do it.

I do realize he could have changed hus mind. I'll get over it, it's just a minor disappointment.

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think that if he hasn't made a more concrete plan by now to visit (ie. choosing travel dates/checking that you are available), then it's likely not going to happen. 

Yes that's what I think as well. I mean the visit needs to be planned a little in advance, and I need to make time on my end too. 

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Was he working when you last saw him?

I don't know if this was ever true for you when you were in between jobs, but unemployment was always a romantic dead-zone for me. 

He left his job the same week when we met for lunch. It was a new job and he didn't like it, so he left after one month.

I know he'a been actively looking for a new job, and because we met in a work setting, I know he's ambitious so this is not a dealbreaker for me. He's been also very open to me about his situation.

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What's new about it? That you chose to meet a friend for lunch, then had some interest in seeing the friend again and potentially saw him in a romantic light? Or new in that as someone else wrote you're telling yoursef this is a dating situation and then reacting with expectations that end up frustrating you (referring I think to Jaunty's post - I like how he put it).  I can relate to new situations - I'd never done long distance with an ex fiancee where we both said at the outset almost 8 years later that we wanted to see if marriage and baby making was in our future.  Ridiculous and bizarre in a sense - all new to me and him!

But what helped me was we were embarking on the ridiculousness being on exactly the same page - we had our 2-3 minute convo around 18 years ago this month about what we wanted/expected/what sacrifices we'd have to make - so even though it was new to me in certain ways that differed from what was new to him - I also knew we were a team and with a really fun and romantic goal.  That's why I was willing to venture wayyyyy outside my comfort zone.  

I would reread Jaunty's post -this doesn't need to feel or be new -if you get clear -with yourself on what this is -and what it is not.  Good luck!

(It reminds me of when my son was 6 or 7 -he met a boy around his age at the playground -they played with his hot wheels cars maybe for a couple of minutes and I heard my son say earnestly "ok so we're friends now, RIGHT?"  I mean - lol - maybe in his head  and the other boy was like -um yeah sure! - but it's one of those "ok we had lunch and we both generally are looking for something serious and he said he may visit later this month so ......we're dating now -RIGHT??"

I know we're not dating.

19 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It would be wise of you to leave it be at that.  He said it - live your life.  If he comes in late August, see what that's like.  In the meanwhile stop obsessing about it and getting emotional highs and lows over it.  

It's not about obsessing about it, this situation is new for me and it helps me to write about it here.

I explained a several pages ago why I like him, so maybe others can better understand my point of view.

I have my own life, I don't text him anymore, I don't ask him questions.

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think his job search is his main focus now. And I agree with Jaunty.  Plus  you were highly ambivalent about any sort of long distance relationship and about him especially at first.  Perhaps he picked up on that? That might inform how much he wants to invest.

That's true he's job hunting at the moment. He also told me he wants to visit his home country this month but is waiting to see if he lands a job so I understand he's busy.

We didn't talk about what either of us wants to do next, after the lunch 'date', if we want to pursue this or not. We texted quite a lot but not about this. He just said he wants to come to visit in late August.

21 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think people will say you're exactly "negative" about this.  It's more that you're subjecting your situation with the guy to criteria that is not appropriate at this time.  Most posts have been on the same page about it.  He probably has never been sure he wanted to pursue any interest he may have, because you live far away.  An attraction sparked on one date is easy to leave behind unless the person really nurtures it on purpose.  That's what you've done, but he probably hasn't.  NOT because the spark wasn't there - simply the realities of the situation may not warrant pursuing the spark, for him, at this time of life.

You must read this site and be aware that MANY people who are looking for relationships have a check list and deal breakers.  Distance is almost always on the lists.

I had a feeling that he wanted to pursue this, he stayed in touch and he said he's definitely interested in visiting me. We talked about what we are looking for in a relationship and he never mentioned that distance would be an issue. But I understand that he could have changed his mind.