kim42

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree^ and even if he wasn't into her in a romantic way, he still should have followed up.  I mean he invited her to join, he did not know the exact time and Kim asked him to let her know when they were leaving.  Which was a reasonable request.  

He didn't, he completely blew her off.  That's rude.  And the bit about his co-workers rushing him is a load of *.  He could have texted when they left or when he got there. 

I don't get "hook up" vibe, I don't sense he's attracted to you in any sort of romantic way Kim for him to want a hook up.

I do however get "playerish" vibe, which is not the same as actually being a player, it's just his vibe, his energy from everything you have written from the beginning of your interactions until the present.

He's a bit too smooth, confident to the point of being c0cky and definitely too "touchy."  Not the just the arm touching which that alone would rub ME the wrong way from a co-worker but the kiss on the cheek, the hug at the end.  From a co-worker you barely know?  ICK.

And the way he suggests getting coffee, drinks with co-workers but then NEVER follows up.  Not once has this man followed up.  It's always when you "run into each other" again when he will make yet another suggestion but then never follows up.  

I don't know what the laws are in your country Kim, but in the U.S., any sort of unwanted touching by a co-worker could be considered sexual harassment even when it's off hours.  It was a co-worker get together so it applies.

I can't say what others' definition of a "nice guy" is but imo there is nothing "nice" about him, and if me I would limit my interaction with him going forward as strictly professional.

JMO.

 

I just want to clarify something - we only ran into each other once at the office, that was this week. Previously when we had coffee, it was him suggesting it both times, and it was planned, he didn't suggest getting coffee because he ran into me. And both times he suggested going for drinks/coffee/lunch again.

I think he is physically attracted to me, based on his body language and just how he behaves around me, I'm pretty sure about that one - now it doesn't mean of course he wants to pursue something.

About the kiss on the cheek - it's fairly common here to do it, sometimes even between coworkers, depending on the workplace and how close you are. I didn't expect him to do it sinxe we don't know each other that well but given how touchy he is with me, it's probably not that surprising.

That being said, I don't like that he didn't confirm the details with me for the drinks thing so I'll limit my contact with him and focus my attention elsewhere.

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would have been fine for you to message quickly about confirming the time. Please keep in mind he invited you and had a lot of other people to attend to.

Perhaps the social anxiety is getting to you? You were ambivalent about going because you didn't know anyone on his team. So running out of the office seems like a solution. 

It seems like he's being nice and doesn't deserve the "flirt" "player" and "just wants to get drunk and hookup" labels.  It's unfortunate you have a crush, but he's just being nice. It's also unfortunate you see him in such a bad light. 

It's true that I could have sent him a message to ask if they were planning to leave shortly, I thought about doing it but because I already felt a little strange about his 'last minute invitation', I simply didn't feel comfortable doing it.

Then again, I still think he should have confirmed the plans with me - he said he would -  especially since I didn't know anyone else from his team.

I was ready to go, so no, I didn't use it as an excuse not to go.

To be clear, I wasn't disappointed that he didn't flirt more yesterday or something - it's ok if he's not interested, it happens. As I said, I didn't expect anything to happen.

As for the labels, I didn't come up with all of them, we're just discussing his behavior here and some people got 'playerish' and hook up vibes from what I've described.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Light flirting. That's what it felt like to you so that's what it was. Not knowing his character, I think either you were reading him right or upset.

The fact that he didn't message you before you left is not a big deal. What if he did get held up and you did not get the message. 

It doesn't have to lead anywhere at all. I guess it would be different when someone is persisting and asking more personal questions etc.

But in this situation, it just seems like he was being friendly and flirty in a harmless way. Maybe he's interested in you, maybe not. But from what you described, I don't think it's anything serious or worth pursuing.  

Given you like him and are a bit unsure I would also say not to put yourself in the position where you are waiting for him to make plans or reach out to you. In fact, I might start limiting my contact with him because if you keep it going, then I just think you might keep getting your hopes up or keep being confused as to the situation.

I would just go to the party and have a good time, but don't put too much emphasis on him being there or trying to spend time with him. You're going to have to be proactive about doing your own thing.

Thank you, I'm not planning to make the party all about him for sure. I'll go there with my team. Limiting contact might be a good idea too, I don't think I'll suggest coffee or anything anytime soon.

59 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree it was rude of him to not follow through and let you know the pertinent info. But I don't know that it makes him a "player", even if he touched your arm. If you decide to view him so negatively and assign motivations to him with little to no evidence (he's trying to 'hook up' with me!) your interactions with him at work will be exceedingly uncomfortable. 

I don't think I view him that negatively, I know this is all just speculation and only he knows what his intentions are. I was just annoyed that he forgot to follow through, it's something I really don't like if someone doesn't confirm plans but I'm not saying that I don't want to talk to him anymore. We're coworkers so at work I'll definitely stay professional.

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Agree, also have to say that some guys you will meet in your life will only be here to flirt with you, nothing more… 

I understood that when I had a crush on my coworker two years ago. he was obviously flirting with me, other coworkers even noticed it. I then decided to invite him for a drink, he declined (twice), but didn’t stop flirting after that... and now it make me smile whenever I see him, it’s more like a little game between us… I understood that it’s the only thing we will ever have… the flirting. And it’s all ok. 

Not every man who flirts with you wants to sleep or date you. They can do it for various purposes (one off them being they like women’s attention in general, not just yours...) 

Absolutely, I know that some guys only flirt for the thrill or to get an ego boost.

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

We don’t know whether he asked others if they will attend the party. You only spent a little time with them, he could perfectly have asked other girls at work at another time. I don’t know whether he is a player. I wouldn’t make that assumption. But he reminds me of someone. 

See a friend of mine has a massive crush on our coach. He is the owner of the gym we both attend. When I met her, she would tell me how this guy helped her a lot when she arrived to town, looking for a place to stay, talking a lot with her, even invite her for coffee someday. And she started to develop feeling for him. One day they organized a party for the 10th birthday of the gym. The members were all part of it and she also went. She told me how she felt disappointed he didn’t come to speak to her and how distant he was towards her. She felt very disappointed. She could not understand the shift. 
But for what I have observed, this guy does the same with everyone, me included. He would come to you, ask how you are doing, if you need anything, offer help and overdoing it and after a few minutes of speaking to you, he closes the convo and completely shifts to another person, doing the exact same. He wants people to feel seen, recognized maybe so that they stay in the membership, just his business... But she at the time thought that they had something special. (the difference in this case is he is a coach and isn’t allowed to touch his members)

According to your coworker, my feeling is that he is popular, likes attention and wants many people to like him, that's his business. He might be is a narcissist, maybe a player… who knows, but the thing is, he is too busy dealing with so much people to send you a text to confirm. I know of many individuals like him and I absolutely avoid them, not my cup of tea… 

Now according to the drink, since you decided to join, I think you should have stayed a bit longer. Coworkers do speak about work related stuff, that’s common, but after one hour or two, they usually flushed out all they had to say and get into more personal conversations. That’s when it usually becomes more interesting. No big deal though, you weren't in a good mindset anyway… 

I'm sure he's asked other coworkers about it too, what I meant it is that yesterday the party wasn't a group topic, he didn't ask anyone else or even tell that someone from the group will be going too (while I was there). He only asked me and kept talking about it, I don't know, it didn't seem just like a casual question to me.

But I'll definitely go there with zero expectations, I mean I'll be going with my team after all.

He's definitely an extrovert, I don't think he's exceptionally popular though, I mean he's not cocky or anything.

And yesterday I stayed for about an hour, I think that was okay, but you're right I wasn't in the right mindset.

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened at the get together Please don't worry about this. On the one hand you have a crush and on the other you're starting to catastrophize that he's a lecherous creep because he touched your arm.  He's not interested in dating you but seems to be quite friendly but doesn't owe you BF like behavior such as reminding you to meet up when he's already invited you. 

I never said he's s creepy, maybe you have misunderstood this. It seems he looks for excuses to touch me, that's why I think that @Kwothe28 might be right that maybe he wants something casual. I never said I don't like him touching me, I like him after all, I was simply annoyed yesterday that he didn't confirm the details.

He only told me an approximate time and I had no way of knowing when exactly they were leaving because we don't sit on the same floor. I don't think this is BF behavior, I think it's simply polite to follow through once you invite someone to hang out or something.

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are “company party hookups” a thing where you work? You know, where two coworkers hookup at the company party without obligations for more? Because this seems like he wants to hookup with you there.

I'm still fairly new in the company and I've only been to one party so far but from I've heard (from several people) it's pretty common that some people get drunk at these parties and make out with someone, and probably also hook up.

I mean it could be his intention, he's already initiated physical contact several times.

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What is giving you "player" vibes? Did you observe him flirting with several other coworkers?

I do understand you're disappointed but I don't know if it's necessary to villainize him. Especially since you're coworkers. 

I don't think he was flirting with anyone else, it's more his overall behavior towards me that gives me the impression - the inconsistency and the fact he doesn't shy away from physical touch. I didn't see him touching other people so I don't think he's just a touchy person, but I could be wrong of course.

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Kim, I know you really like this guy, but honestly, it sounds like he is enjoying flirting with you. 

If he had more romantic inclination towards you I would expect to see him pair off with you or ask to go somewhere to talk which to me would indicate a bit more. Even going together to chat would have non-verbally confirmed to you that he was interested in more than an 'on again off again' ping pong game.

But I know it's easier said than done, so just do what feels right for you. I think most have us have suggested to keep open to meeting new people and don't put too much focus on this one guy.  

Thank you, yes, it seems he likes the flirting and that's it. To be clear, I didn't expect him to be overly flirty with me yesterday because there were other people but I was just annoyed about him forgetting.

At least I know now and I can move my attention somewhere else.

2 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I think we are thinking similarly Lootie!

This man is a connector type personality. Might be a good way to have opportunities to meet others you might not otherwise get much of a chance to.

I'm sorry for his rudeness but there might be a bigger opportunity here. 

 

Definitely, that's why I decided to stay for one drink yesterday, even though I was annoyed, but I thought it could be a good opportunity to connect with others.

@LootieTootie his coworkers were all nice, but they were mostly talking about work things related to their team.

54 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again agree^ and taking it further, if it were me, when he waved as you passed by, I would have waved back but continued walking home.  Under the circumstances, I don't think that would have been rude at all.  What HE did, inviting you and then "forgetting" to follow through was RUDE.  

Even as a co-worker or platonic friend (without all the subtle flirting etc), it's rude.  My co-workers and friends don't treat me that way, as @Andrina said, like an afterthought. 

IF even that.  I hate to say this because it's hurtful but he completely blew you off, and had you not walked by on your way home, you joining him and his team would never had happened at all.

I thought at first he might feel nervous or awkward around you or perhaps he couldn't get a good read on you, but now after your update, I am getting playerish vibes from this guy...

In any event, now you know he's not for you and you can move your thoughts someplace else.

Just my take and I'm sorry it didn't work out as you had hoped Kim.

 

I agree, it was rude, and I think you might be right about the player thing.

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is my impression, too. 

Someone who is interested in you (in a non-platonic way) doesn't completely forget to follow through on an invitation. If you hadn't walked by, I am not sure you would have heard from him at all.

I think he sees you a work buddy but not really anything more. 

That's what I think too, like you just don't forget about someone like that.

Until today, I thought he could maybe be interested because he kept suggesting going for coffee and so, but we're probably not on the same page.

Ok guys, so I went for the drinks but it was a little weird.

57 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Personally, I don't think you're overthinking it. It's natural to feel a bit confused and unsure about the dynamics of this situation and whether or not he genuinely wants you to come for drinks with his team.

However, at the end of the day, it sounds like he does genuinely want you to come and he took the time to invite you again in person, so I don't think it's a case of him only inviting you because he saw you this morning.

He is moving at a snails pace and while I don't think you should close yourself off to the possibility of something happening with this guy, I would also advise you to keep your options open and not wait around for him. If he wants to take things further, he will make it clear and take the initiative.

In the meantime, go for drinks with his team and enjoy yourself, but don't put all your focus and energy on this one coworker. You never know, you might end up making some new friends and connections within the company.

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I think you are overthinking- given the work context I think he's interested in getting to know you better -because of the work context the way he communicates about activities out of work is going to be different than if you knew each other in a different way.  

Thanks Batya, I know I tend to overthink a lot.

I like him and would like to get to know him better. To be honest, he's very good looking and I think he might be out my league, I think that's also why I overthink this. As silly as it sounds, a part of me has a hard time thinking he could be interested in getting to know me.

I'm a little nervous about this evening but I try to see it as a good opportunity to get to know more people in the company, and not just to focus on him.

Update

We exchanged some messages yesterday and talked about going for a coffee break, but we ended up being too busy so that didn't happen. He didn't mention the drinks thing with his team so I didn't ask either.

This morning I ran into him at the office and we talked for a while. I didn't have a lot of time because I had a meeting in the morning. He said he was too busy yesterday to get coffee but invited me to join his team for after work drinks this evening (he told me details about the place and time).

He was very nice and we laughed together but I have this feeling that he only invited me again because he saw me this morning. Like he didn't mention it yesterday when we chatted, so I think it wouldn't have probably happened if he hadn't seen me in person.

To be clear, he's mentioned going out for drinks several times, and last week he told me they were planning to go out next Thursday (today) but didn't give me more details.

I know I have a tendency to overthink so I maybe I'm looking too much into it. I just feel a little weird that he didn't follow up on that after last week, and only mentioned it this morning. At the same time, I think he probably wouldn't invite me if he didn't want me to go.

What do you guys think? Am I overthinking it?

Maybe she sees you only as a friend. Did she ever flirt with you, at least a little? Maybe you've misread the signs, sorry about this.

16 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

It’s not only a rose… it’s a rose you offer to a woman you don’t even know. It’s insignificant and irrelevant 😁

Sindy, I wonder if it's maybe cultural, because we're both based in Europe and we don't like gifts on first dates, who knows. 

It reminds me of this guy who posted on reddit that he bought flowers and paid for dinner on a first date and then the woman didn't want to go on a second date. He was very upset. I think it's best to keep furst dates simple - coffee or a drink, and no gifts 😁

I admit bringing a gift for the first date would be an overkill for me, especially if I don't know the guy.

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi! I’m glad he finally found a job… was a long process though. But great news! 
Did he mentioned when he can come visit you? 

Thanks Sindy!

It's already planned, we agreed on a time that works for both of us.

Update

I stopped posting in this thread because I realized I didn't need advice anymore but I wanted to give you guys a quick update.

He's found a job in the meantime and he's coming to visit me soon :) 

4 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

You're absolutely right. I may have shot myself in the foot a bit by not wishing him a happy birthday (he knew I remembered it after all these years), but my ego was holding me back a lot, I admit. 

I'd gladly go out with him again. Him and my 'childhood crush' him are two different people to me at this point, I'd like to get to know THE him. Garbage wording, I apologise. I'm still keeping emotional distance though and my trust isn't there after the disappearing acts. 

He texted me around 30min ago. I'm yet to open the message, I have some meetings ahead and want to keep my head clear. If there's no rejection I'll make it a point to wish him a happy belated birthday and ask how it went :).

I'm glad he texted you!

I honestly don't see anything wrong with seeing if and how this develops, nothing wrong with texting and hanging out if you both feel like it.

I understand though you are a little cautious after him disappearing.

You texting him when you saw him at the mall is totally fine - you didn't see him in a long time after all.

Please keep us updated, if you want, I'm curious to see how this goes! 

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

UPDATE

To re-cap..
25F (me) and 28M
Childhood crush from 10+ years ago. 
Never forgot about him. 
Re-connected around 4 months ago
Tried to meet, he cancelled, disappeared, re-appeared. Multiple times.
It was a mess.

Two weeks ago or so, he began reaching out again after having been gone. I was done, I rejected him quite a few times. I did it nicely because in my small city, you are bound to cross roads. I said maybe we will run into each other since summer is ahead and wished him well. He said he understood. Literally 15 minutes later, I see him from a distance at a mall. I hadn't seen the man in over 10 years. And I saw him then?! I was tipsy and with my girlfriend, I just texted him like "Talking about running into each other.. were you at 'this' mall?". He replied yes, where did I see him, I was still aloof but I guess this opened up the communication lines once more and suddenly he was reaching out a lot. 

We were texting some. He called me one night. We had a really fun 30min conversation. Banter was really great, I don't even remember what we talked about, we just went on and laughed. I was busy and travelling some, he was giving me space but kept in touch still. 

We met up. We went for drinks and spent around 1.5h there. He was cute. Seemed a bit shy at first. He's quite popular amongst literally everyone, so many recognised him, so we went to a more quiet place at his request. He said he "wanted to focus on me" or something like that. I think we had a good time? I did. I was laughing a lot. He got us drinks, suggested we do a second round, too. His last drink we finished together, it was a double. There really was no awkward moment, not for me anyway. He made me laugh a lot, he laughed, too. I think I looked good, I got compliments from strangers as I was walking to the meet-up place. He was funny, responded to my sarcasm, also was down to earth. He made comments about loyalty and honesty when he's in a relationship (I once found out a man was married on the second date, was a part of an anecdote I told him), he called our meeting a 'date' here and there, made mention of a 'second one'. 

It was a good time. We left when it got cold and we both had places to be still, when parting I gave him a kiss on the cheek and that was that. It was Saturday, now it's Monday morning, no text as of yet. He did have his birthday yesterday. In any other case I wouldn't mind texting first, but I haven't been disappearing on him, instead I've been giving him second and third chances. We also talked about that a little bit when having drinks. He said he understood and felt bad for doing it. Blamed the platform I use to communicate but I think that's a rubbish excuse. He still used the platform when not communicating with me, I had offered alternatives, and well. If a man wants to connect, he will! I have been sincere. He hasn't. 

It was a really great meeting. I enjoyed it a lot. I was not impressed, I will say. Some things that I noticed rubbed me the wrong way, he is also a completely different person from my 'childhood crush'. I would be interested in genuinely getting to know him, but I won't be bent out of shape if I don't hear from him. 
 

I had a good night. 

Do you want to hang out with him again? It seems you had a good time with him so I think there's no harm in reaching out to him first. I also think it's polite to wish someone happy birthday.

I think that if you want to continue seeing him and giving this a chance to see where it goes, you'll probaly need to get over the fact that he disappeared before.