Andrina

Make sure you get a restraining order as well, especially for your child. He might try to see her after the divorce.

The groom is your best friend so you should be able to talk to him about anything. If I'm paying for a plane ticket and lodging, you can be sure I'd insist on being a part of that planning. Even if I wasn't paying, I'd want a say-so to make sure I was in a safe part of town and all those other important details. Four people are going and all four of you should have made those decisions together.

That's fluffy wording, changing the past in your mind, whereas all your loved ones clearly saw he was abusive and mentally off. How do you know this? Obsessive people have a habit of quickly finding their next prey. If you're keeping tabs on him through friends, or looking at his social media, stop that destructive behavior. Apparently, you've never learned to think and behave independently. It's time to learn who you are, and what you want, as a solo person. You also need to read books and articles on improving your self esteem, because it's lacking if you think a possessive person who would jump off a cliff if you said so is normal and desirable. Hopefully, your life experiences and maturing brain will be more helpful in the future, so that you can make more intelligent decisions regarding one of the most important decisions of your life. If I were you, I'd divorce and not even consider dating for a good year, or even more. Don't be dependent on having a partner at this point in your life, because you have too much work to do on yourself first.

I'd explain that driving 8 hours in a day will prevent you from getting 8 hours of work done on your house. And that after driving the initial 4 hours, you won't have any energy left for doing any unpacking on that day. Perhaps, so she can feel needed, start calling her to ask on her advice about things you'd be okay with either way, i.e., "What color scheme should I use for the day care? Should I hang the family portrait in the living room or the entryway? What cleaning product do you use for XYZ?" I'd go with what causes less aggravation. To me, that'd be briefly listening to her gripe that she's not getting her way, and then tell her you have to to go and unpack the dishes, and hang up. Why have you seen her weekly when you're busy setting up a new home?

Diane Russell’s 1984 random survey of 930 adult women in San Francisco. This study found that: ... 17% or one of approximately every six women who had a stepfather as a principal figure in her childhood years, was sexually abused by him. The comparable figures for biological fathers were 2% or one out of approximately 40 women. It doesn't matter if your daughter doesn't mind his inappropriate behavior. She lacks the reasoning skills of an adult. You have to protect her above all else, including the expense of your marriage. This is crossing boundaries and abuse, even if he hasn't touched her. Even if he chose to now abide by your rules, as for me, I would immediately begin divorce proceedings, because what I knew was going on in his brain, being too overly involved with her, would churn my stomach. And then I'd meet with a psychological professional, tell him/her what may have happened, so that your daughter could be brought in and questioned by a psychologist to make sure any damage done to her mentally and possibly physically can be addressed. You might not know how to appropriately question her, where a skilled person will know how to go about it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Not until you're many, many months into dating should you confess "feelings." You simply ask someone on a date after reading signals she might say "yes." As for this girl, she likes the ego boost you have a crush on her. It's nice to have a fan. But she just doesn't see you as more than a friend. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Two people sharing chemistry doesn't always happen. You can't be everyone's cup of tea. I did online dating and sometimes the guy never asked me out after an initial meet. Some did ask again but I wasn't interested. There were some where we did both share chemistry, but then after 2 or 3 dates, found that our personalities clashed or our dating goals didn't align. It's more rare for the magic to happen, and people often have to have numerous dating experiences, so accept that's the norm versus meeting "the one" as a teen. You're going to have to work on your self esteem for relationship success. You should get to the mindset that any woman would be lucky to have you versus that someone is out of you're league and that you're ugly. Confidence is the biggest attractor. If you don't like yourself, others will sense this about you and wonder, "He doesn't value himself, so does it mean there really is something wrong about him I should be cautious about?" Read some books and articles on boosting your self-esteem, always keeps up with friends and hobbies besides having a love interest, and don't date until you know you'll be fine if a break up happens. Think of it as having a fulfilling love you want to share with someone versus a person "making" you happy. Because nobody can do that. You've labeled yourself as shy but you're really going to have to challenge yourself and get out into the world more rather than staying behind the false safety of a computer screen. With practice, your social skills should improve. Good luck.

If you end up being similar to me, it usually took me 4 to 6 months to stop thinking of an ex daily and to emotionally move on. I once had an experience that wasn't exactly like yours, but was similar in that I was not a priority and he lied in major ways on several occasions. Even though in our year together, he stressed me outs so much that I literally got hives on one occasion, I still wanted him back. At the time, I thought my self esteem was healthy, but after time and distance away from the wrong guy, I couldn't believe how I'd stayed that long and wanted him back. I realized my self worth was really low for accepting such an unworthy partner. When he texted 4 months later, with my new self realization and being in a new and better headspace, I didn't give him the time of day. On the positive side, there are good things that will come of this. You now know better what you want in a life partner and if you're smart, will accept no less. You are now free to meet someone who shares your ethics, life goals, and a woman who will meet all of your main needs. And, you will appreciate your new love all the more, knowing the flip side of that coin. That happened to me. No matter if you acted distant. If she wasn't happy with you for that, a decent woman would end the relationship, not engage in flirting and exchanging numbers with another man. Those are her ethics which aren't likely to change. Let time and distance do its work and envision next spring, when it will be time for new beginnings and your brain will be thinking with far better clarity.

Sounds like you two are a mismatch in communicating, or one or both of you are lacking in those skills. There are many books on the market to help you improve on this. Buy one, such as Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and take turns reading a chapter out loud to each other over a period of time.

While deciding whether you will stay with him or not, for now, you should sit down with him and come up with a weekly duty schedule and post it on the refrigerator. Word this request in a way to show how it will lessen the family stress. That each person will know what's expected instead of leaving it up in the air of whose turn it is to plan dinner, etc. I'd also mention how much your son misses you both during the day while he is in daycare, and how playing with him, reading him a book, making bath time fun by playing along with him with bath toys etc. in the evening is something your son will always remember and appreciate. Make sure and notice the good things and mention them, i.e., "Wow, our little boy's eyes totally lit up when you were down on the floor playing cars with him." Be complimentary when he's the one who cooked. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. It's strange to think about, but eliciting the wanted behavior from a human is the same as training a dog. Reward good behavior and that behavior will be repeated. Make sure you have regular date nights/days to stay emotionally connected. Was he a good partner to you before your child was born? Did his fair share of chores? Took good care of you when you were sick? Came to your aid in an emergency? Made you a priority? Trying to figure out what he's been like before becoming a father to get a better sense of your relationship.

This relationship could have ended far sooner than it had, wasting less of your time, if you would've just let him fade away, which he clearly wanted to do. You were the one feeding that train all the coal. Ever hear of letting a person make an equal effort to gauge their continuing interest or lack of it? You called and he didn't answer, so then you texted. It's like you're clueless about reading people's behavior and can't take a hint. As for him, cowards don't want to deal with drama if he has to do the breaking up, and hopes his poor behavior will make you do the deed so that it was your choice. Although you have some self worth, since you're not willing to not take him back, but it does need to be padded quite a bit. Why do you think a man who gets drunk every weekend and spends a lot of money on narcotics is a prize to win over and be your life partner? Even with life stressors, which I doubt were even genuine though you never even questioned that, a person usually wants the support of their exclusive partner and would make time for a daily phone call. I know if I had to go out of town to handle family issues, hearing my partners voice and discussing my day would be something I'd look forward to. Do yourself a favor in the future and give a guy a chance to give equal effort without you doing all the asking, calling, texting in duplicate and triplicate. And if he doesn't, there is no need to delve into the whys and go into deep discussions. You give it a mental deadline and if he doesn't come through, you simply say, "This relationship isn't working for me."

Even without all the negatives you've mentioned, why date someone long distance when that makes it harder to regularly easily date? And then if it did work out, one has to uproot themselves from their career, family, and friends. Even if 2 hours isn't egregious, it still makes things more difficult to get together with loved ones several hours away. The other con is the age difference. He'd be retiring 15 years before you. His elderly health problems will occur 15 years before yours. And you have to be realistic about looks. In his 40s, this won't be an issue, but when he's 65 and you're 50, you will begin to see a huge difference. I limited myself to dating men within a 45 minute drive from me. You get to know someone far quicker when they live a stone's throw away and it's far more convenient for a normal dating experience.

He has the energy to scroll on his phone. He'd have the energy to caress your hair while you two watch t.v. and and would have the energy to poke around on his phone to order you flowers or a gift you'd like. You communicated your wishes more than once. It was a reasonable request. A partner who cares would want to please you and your happiness would be a priority for him. I wouldn't even try any more with him. Yes, you deserve better.

If you can afford to pay his mother rent, you could afford to rent a room in someone else's place. As in another female's residence, mother-in-law suite, an air-b-n-b, and the list goes on. What you want now in a relationship might do a 360 within the next decade. People usually change a lot while maturing and through life experiences. If you of you wants to break up in the future, it's a lot harder to do while cohabiting. And as for his mother, she was venting as it's not fun to have people outside your family take up residence in your home, even if you will one day be family. She could have been more caring in her delivery of her wishes, but unfortunately not everybody operates with tact. You don't need this stress, especially as college needs your total focus and is stressful in itself. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Being buddies, hanging out with an ex and maintaining regular communication will make your future dating pool far smaller than if you don't engage in this behavior. Many people won't date a person attached to their ex. I know I chose never to do this and none of my friends or relatives engage in that behavior either. Be prepared if you meet a lady you want to date and she's all for it until you tell her, "Hey, I'm going over to Shannon's place. She's my ex and we're going to watch a slasher movie."

When someone is living an alternative lifestyle, why would you think she would behave like an average dating partner with you? Can you explain this statement?

Assuming this is a brand new relationship, if you're overdoing the get togethers, then even if he hasn't seemed to mind up to now, when the newness of the relationship wears off, that could change. But without knowing how much time you're spending together now, it's hard to say if you have a problem on your hands or not. It is important to have a healthy balance with all the important facets of your life. Of course you want to spend a lot of time with a SO, but also make sure you're finding joy in the other areas of your life. You always want to have the mindset that it would be upsetting if a breakup happens but not devastating. This is usually possible if you also have a career you love, and/or enjoy your continuing education, and have a supportive group of friends and a fun hobby. I'm sorry about the loss of your parents. Perhaps you'd benefit from books about enduring this kind of loss. Make sure you don't ingrain it in your brain that it's your fate to have your adult behavior defined by this instance and don't use it as an excuse to act in a way that it will sabotage what could be a good thing.

I understand that you care about her, but why would you want someone back who treats you this way? You don't deserve that after 2 years of dating and it sounds like you haven't done anything egregious like cheating or being verbally or physically abusive. I'm guessing you two are young, and to me, it sounds like she wants to sow her wild oats before settling down to forever with someone. You need more life experience and dating experiences yourself if you think so low of yourself to think this okay. Because you do think this is okay if you'd continue on with someone who treats you like crap. I don't know what your rules are for opposite sex friends, but if you're not okay with one-on-one time with them, then don't date women who don't share your views. But anyway, it sounds like her friend is really a love interest. She's very immature and lacks empathy. When you get time and distance away, you will shake your head at why you wanted to remain with a gf who could treat you so coldly.

It's time to set relationship rules, which a lot of couples fail to do. With things I learned NOT to do because of my first marriage, when I dated who became my second husband, we discussed the rules that would be beneficial for the success of our relationship. One of them was not to call each other names during arguments. We tackle the issue without verbally attacking each other. Another rule that refers to your situation is that after you've had a discussion to resolve an issue, that the subject is no longer brought up again. Rehashing and bringing up the same subject is like beating a dead horse. It's not productive and builds bitterness. I'd bring up this rule to her for the good of your relationship. You were honest in your answers and so that's not going to change. You can either come to a consensus about picture taking and please her with a couple's photo now or then, or stick to your guns about rare picture taking. Whatever you decide, explain that if she can't abide by how you like to operate in a relationship, that you're probably not compatible enough for the long haul. If she agrees to these rules, in time with you being faithful over the longterm, her new relationship anxieties will likely fade away. If they don't, she's not ready to be in a partnership. With people like this, you can't be a doormat and allow this. Be ready to scare her straight and show her you're willing to walk away from someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

IMO, people who seek out unattainable people such as in this case or LDRs online feel too emotionally vulnerable to actually be in real, full-on partnership. It's something a person might not have fully realized, because the psyche is complex. For people who feel like they can't handle a real relationship because they are afraid of getting hurt if it doesn't work out, fantasyland might seem like a safer option. But that's a false sense of safety because it just ends up in being companionless and lonely. You do have power over your brain. Start thinking of her as just another co-worker. Redirect your brain to other things when your thoughts drift to her. Work on your self esteem and resiliency by reading books and articles. And then when you're ready to date and will be okay whether it works out or not, go to Meetup.com groups geared to singles in your age group. It's a lot less stressful than OLD. You could also take dance lessons. A great way to meet women. There is such a huge variety of options and you might be surprised at how many venues are available in your area for country two-step, salsa, tango, swing, ballroom. If that's not your thing, you can volunteer at a local zoo, or museum, or habitat cleanups. And always keep up with guy friends and at least one separate hobby a partner isn't involved in to keep your own fulfilling life besides having a gf. You never want her feeling smothered that she's the only bright light in your life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Subconsciously, if we are missing a healthy part of ourselves, we seek what we're missing in a partner. Subconsciously, you mistook his childishness as delightful childlike behavior. You work so hard, you likely regularly lack fun time for yourself, so you were drawn to someone who bathes in it and doesn't seem to have a care in the world. And even as you say he seemed like a together person career-wise, if you really thought about it, I'm sure there were red flags you pooh-poohed away. And he in turn, because he's missing adult-like responsible behaviors, gravitated toward you because he saw in you what he's missing. You can read about this subject about Transactional Analysis in articles, and there is a book by Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships These relationships where each person is missing major, important traits never work. Be alone and work on yourself. When you finish with the bar exam, bring more fun and leisure time into your life to fulfill the area where you fell short. Only then will you attract, and be attracted to, other people who have the right balance in all the major areas of their life.

There's a reason a Mama's Boy makes the top 12 list of men you should never date. It's no wonder you're having marital problems. But now that you have a child together, you will have to learn how to live with the situation if you stay in the marriage. You can learn what not to do next time. When your child is sleeping, you can have a discussion with your husband when you're both feeling mellow. Perhaps print out some articles on best practices to work together as a team in making decisions together. When you use "I feel" terms, a person can't argue with how you feel and it's less combative than "you never" statements. I'd say, "I know you were brought up a certain way and are used to that, and I tried that way for a while to please you, but I find it's too overwhelming for me. It's a new era, where change is inevitable, and change can be a good thing. I'd like us to share the chores and have you play an equal part in caring for our child. It'll be nice for me to be less exhausted and feel like we're true co-partners, helping each other and relieving the load--balancing the scales. My husband and I have had to learn never to arrange to meet his grown daughter, who lives an hour and a half away, at a restaurant or location where time is important. She has no sense of time and is consistently late. If she's coming our way, it's fine if we're just going to be home all day and night regardless, because if she says she'll be over late morning it could actually be 7 p.m. when she arrives. We don't make certain plans with her knowing how she is. In a future instance, since his mother doesn't work and you've decided you might invite her to something, maybe ask your husband that his mother not be called until you're totally ready and act like it's a spur of the moment thing, i.e., "Hey, Mom. We've decided to check out XYZ today. We can pick you up in a half hour if you want to join." Explain to him that this will avoid the problems you recently experienced. Learn how to negotiate with him if he wants something that will place a burden on you, i.e., "I'm willing to go if you do XYZ." What's wrong with developing a spine? You're already subject to their supposed judgements, so hasn't that toughened your skin to endure any backlash you might endure for speaking up for yourself?

Has anyone ever pointed out to her that her negativity makes you and others upset? If not, though it seems like she should know this, she might think she's just a frank person who is genuine in that she doesn't sugarcoat things. Could be how she sees herself. Think about how you usually react to her cutting comments and change it up. React totally differently and send her for a loop. Maybe it will be eye-opening for her. Apparently, she likes your company since she wants you there for the holidays. Whenever she begins treating you like that, remove yourself from her presence, whether it be to take a walk, eating in a different room where she won't follow or pack up your food and eat at a park. Say you have to cut the conversation short because you have to study or make a phone call. Stop enabling her manipulation. You don't have to explain anything to her about the reasons you've chosen to spend time with others besides her any time of the year. If you did however, I'd probably say something like: "(Boyfriend's name) is so loving and makes me feel special. He's always so positive and fun. I can't wait to spend the holidays with him." If your mother is so clueless, perhaps she needs to be schooled on why people gravitate toward positivity and run from negativity. She hasn't lived with these consequences because you've given in to her controlling ways. Time to switch things up because the dynamic you've all settled for will continue to make you all miserable. Good luck.

Your self-love is severely lacking to even consider staying with him, if he happens to step down off that lofty throne you've placed him on to issue his declaration of intentions with you. Seven months is well past the honeymoon stage, and has entered the more realistic stage where you've learned a lot more about a partner. Enough to know if this person is meeting all of your major needs and regularly sparks that special spot in your heart. Apparently this has happened on your side, so wouldn't you expect the same from a significant other? The fact he's not, means he's not your match. In addition the fact you two have to take space from one another as if you two are nothing but toxic fumes. Space resolves nothing. Two people who really care about each stay to resolve issues, and if the issues can't be resolved, act with a clean break. Don't you deserve someone who is as crazy about you as you are of him? I suggest you stay solo until you achieve greater self-worth. Otherwise, you will continue to attract and accept inappropriate men. If you have to play games like thinking a man will miss you and see your worth with space, or giving lame excuses as to why he behaves as poorly as he does, you're setting yourself up for a situation of wasting your life on the wrong man. Do the work on yourself. You'll thank yourself later when you're free to welcome the man who truly deserves you into your one precious life.

Since you share a child, before thinking of ending things, I'd ask him to attend marriage counseling with you. Perhaps a skilled therapist can make him understand how to have a healthier balance in his life. You certainly haven't been able to make this clear to him. If he won't go, tell him you'll be going by yourself to show him the seriousness of the matter. Perhaps that will scare him straight. I've never understood people who don't think about all these logistics of making a life with someone when you have to uproot your whole life. To me, unless you live in an extremely small town, there are plenty of potential partners in your own locale who you would have chemistry with if you look long and hard enough. But now that you're in this situation, you will have to make a decision that will end up hurting one or more in your family no matter what you decide. If you move back to your home town, I'm assuming your child won't see Dad very often. You'll still be like a single parent the majority of the time. You can only rely on relatives so much before becoming a burden. If you stay, you have to be in close proximity to his family who cross boundaries with you and your husband. You have to witness daily how he lets them run his life. So if I were you, if counseling doesn't pan out good behavior changes over time, or if he refuses to go, I'd probably then have a sit-down discussion with him, giving him all options with their consequences. Make him see what life will be like with each situation. In your shoes, if he won't come to a consensus making you both happy, I'd probably return to my original home. Hopefully, you've now learned to heed red flags and know that what you see is what you get instead of hoping a person will change for the better in a major way.

How awesome! Boy or girl? So happy for you and your wife.