Andrina

If at his age, he has no money to pay bills, he's not ready to be in a serious relationship since he can't pull his weight. That's being a parasite, and if you had decent self esteem, you would feel resentful that you're being used. He chose you, seeing that you were a doormat that would put up with his dysfunction, and he could get whatever he halfway enjoys until it peters out. What you presently witness is what you should reasonably expect. Wishing for major change in a partner, in order for you to be happy, is a foolhardy way to run your life. What you see is what you get. Hormones are released in a woman when she has sex with a man, that make her want to bond with him, even if he's totally wrong for her. This has happened to you. When you make yourself single, stay that way until you achieve a healthy self esteem. If you don't do that work on yourself, you will keep choosing the same type of toxic man over and over.

The new info did give us more insight into the matter. The fact alone that he comes to your home after work and spends the night there every night without paying a dime for any electricity and cable and water shows he doesn't really care about you and lacks the normal ethics and empathy of a decent human being. And as for his relationship history, it it wise to consider that, as it's often revealing. His have been short term and he seems to be blaming the women, whereas they most likely bailed when seeing what he was about. They likely had good self esteem which made it easy to walk away. The fact that you've put up with this for so long shows your self worth needs a lot of work. You subconsciously feel he is all you deserve. When things don't make sense, pay attention, such as his super early morning visits to his father. Even if he wasn't just going there to watch porn, do you really want to be with someone who chooses to visit a parent daily? My elderly Dad, lives within 10 minutes of me, and I stop by there once or twice a week, which to me is normal. If my husband went to see a parent daily, I'd think of this as too overly involved--an unhealthy balance of his time. And when a person has nothing but excuses for not moving a relationship forward, well, in my mind, I would never be with anyone who, after being with me almost two years, wasn't 100 percent confident in building a forever life with me. Basically, the secret to relationship happiness is to choose someone who you don't want to change in any major way. Because he is who he is, and who are you to demand he be someone he's not? Everyone has minor flaws, but when a person has one or more major, dealbreaker flaws, you walk away. When you've broken up, changed your locks, gone no contact, with distance and time, you will shake your head at why you stayed so long.

Others can sense you're probably too thirsty and desperate for friendship, and that's not appealing. Many friendships are years in the making. Sometimes people already have their limited time divvied out to a small circle of friends and family and don't have room to expand their circle. If I were you, I'd make it a goal to just enjoy the activity. Be in the present without expectations of making an instant friend. Think of it as enjoying the company of others in a shared hobby/interest. Over time, regularly seeing the same people in these activities, there might be one or two who you plain gel with. Overeagerness is a turn off. Be patient and let things unfurl in a more natural way. But yes, spread your net wide and engage in more than one activity. Good luck.

Yeah, who would want to constantly walk on eggshells, anticipating whatever your answer to his questions are, will be dissected through his negative lens? If you insist on breaking up the way you say, make sure it's in a public place. You've known him only 60 days, so don't assume you'll be safe at his place or yours when the breakup happens. You don't know how he will react in an extreme situation. And after the fact, keep extra aware of your surroundings at work and at home in case he comes to track you down. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I doubt his attitude and behavior will change, even if you have a talk with him, but you can certainly ask, one time only. If he argues your points, or continues with this unhealthy behavior, run, don't walk, away from this toxic situation. I'd say: I'm a grown woman and have survived just fine, without being attacked or followed or groped, because I know to handle any situation that arises. You treating me like some defenseless child is not something I'm going to allow. If I thought I needed a security guard, I'd hire one. And I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing. If you're not comfortable dating someone who wears dresses, you belong with someone else. And he's either lying or delusional to say that everywhere you go, numerous men are gawking at you. Men aren't going to incite fights from another man, who's with his female partner, like this. And the general population is, or at least I hope they are, mentally healthy and keep their occasional glances at someone attractive as furtive as possible. Look up articles on controllers and manipulators in dating situations. If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Sadly, addictions usually always win out over any person in the addicts life. It takes an epiphany for a person to no longer be an addict, either by will power or professional treatment. What would I do in your shoes? Be honest with how you feel. I'd say something like: "I hoped to build a beautiful life with you. However, during the last 8 months, there's been an emotional connection lacking in intimacy. What I've read about how regular porn viewing scares me. It can actually change the neurons of the brain where a person's go-to for excitement ends up being the porn instead of a live human being. You argue the point, so even if you think your amount is normal or minimal, the fact is whatever the amount you're engaging in now, is affecting you. I love you and want a lifetime with you, but don't see that happening unless major changes take place. I'd like to book an appt. for us to go to a therapist to work together to improve our relationship." If he balks and refuses therapy, unfortunately he's choosing the addiction over you. People who care will comply to reasonable requests, wanting their partner to be happy, and facing embarrassment and tough effort to overcome the addiction and/or issue. I know how it feels to have a great beginning that falls apart, and you hang on, hoping for the good stuff to return. It's only good to wait around for change, however, if your partner actively begins the effort needed to get mentally healthy. If he doesn't, you have to then do the hard task of moving on for your own good. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Why keep mum about what makes you cringe? If he can't change behavior when you make a reasonable request, then he's not for you. However, he might not even be worth a discussion at all. That is if you decide someone who has had a threesome is a dealbreaker for you. I know it would be for me, as well as someone who has engaged in prostitution, or any other activities that aren't aligned with my own ethics. When you are choosing that special someone to share the gift of your body, have some standards. He's not the only single man your age on the planet. Don't settle. That said, if you do want to give him a chance, you can say something like: I really don't want you bringing up any more of your past sexual history. If you want to try this or that position with me, just say so. No need to bring up what you did with this or that other girl. It forms pictures in my head I don't care to see. I hope you're using protection against STDs. Even so, condoms can break. I'd arrange for the both of you to get tested and show each other the results. Good luck.

When one is not happy in the present, she often looks to the past to find it there. There's a saying, and for your situation, it really fits: "When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to say." On/off relationships mean the person isn't right for you. People are not yo-yo's to be thrown out and then pulled back in over and over. Two people who truly love each other and there are no dealbreakers, will stay and communicate, get therapy if needed, and pull out all the stops to make things work. They just don't bail. You had chemistry with the ex, but that alone means nothing without the major stuff that makes a relationship work. You only say one negative thing about your husband without details, so it's hard to judge if he is practicing dealbreaker behavior, or if therapy, or reading couples books on how to improve a relationship, would rectify the situation. Perhaps subconsciously you feel someone dysfunctional (your ex) is all you deserve because you have low self esteem. So that situation feels right to you, and an even- keeled peace feels off. Perhaps you are unskilled about evolving into a different, but also satisfying new way of life that a marriage and children brings. I know it's unsettling to move from the fun and wild days of what goes on while being a teen and young adult. Those days aren't meant to last forever, and if people attempt that, they find it ends up being a shallow life. It's unsettling to evolve into a new way of living, but you can still find passion and joy whenever you put in the effort. Read articles and books on how to regain a spark with your husband, if his behavior isn't egregious. Go to marital counseling to get skilled advice on how to improve your marriage. Communicate to him what you want from him, without placing blame, as in "I'd like" statements versus "You never." You're lacking an emotional connection with him that can be improved. When he sees you making effort and appreciating him, he will likely put in his own effort. You owe this to your kids to pull out all the stops before calling it quits (dealbreakers lacking, of course). You could also join a Mommy and Me group to have group fun with other mothers and the kids can play together. You might be lonely for female friendships. Believe me, the dating pool is far from easy to navigate, and don't expect guys will be knocking down your door when you have two very young children. When I dating after my first marriage ended, I rejected men with very young children because I knew his availability would be minimal. And if you divorced, you shouldn't even date for a good year because you'd be getting the kids used to a new life with divorced parents. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

She's moving into the age where she'll need prescription estradiol cream, used twice weekly on days there is no sex (it's not edible. It's absorbed into the tissue and has to be used regularly, to replace the drying effects of lowering estrogen levels). Regular, over the counter lubricant no longer cuts it, used solely, for aging women. Both are normally needed. What has been her reason for not wanting you to perform oral sex? Many women prefer that, and get far stronger orgasms with that rather than penetration. If you two can't even discuss that, it's really sad. That's why I previously recommended a professional therapist who will both help you two as far as communication, and who might also have better skills at getting your wife to open up about anything she fears, emotional baggage, and what she desires but doesn't know how to go about it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

His excitement stems from having a fan. An ego boost always feels good. You say he's a close friend, so what more would he have to learn about you? It's common to have close friends of the opposite sex at your age, but as you enter a serious relationship, your new bf won't appreciate you hanging with your "close" guy friend who you would've wanted more from if he'd only been into you. And your friend's new gf will give him an ultimatum that he has to stop hanging with the woman who obviously has a crush on him, and he will drop you faster than a hot potato. Best to start distancing yourself from this friend. Many friendship aren't slated to last a lifetime, and this is one of those instances. You won't like that advice, but as you'll learn for many things in life, when you think you're having bad luck, it turns out that you'll later thank your lucky stars things went the way they did. Take care.

If it were me, I'd ask her to attend marital counseling with you. Perhaps the reasons why she doesn't want to engage in what most people love can be brought out by a professional. Depending on the reasons, the therapist might suggest individual therapy for your wife or a sex therapist for the both of you. If your wife refuses counseling, I'd let her know the seriousness of the matter, that you're unhappy enough to go on your own if she doesn't. Perhaps that will persuade her to attend with you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

You don't say which of you needed to reschedule but I'm going to read between the lines and guess it was all him. And he still hasn't even asked for another date? He's just not that into you, and you've probably the one who has initiated the majority of the reaching out to chit chat. You're wasting your time, even if you have no other fish on the line. Time to cut bait. When I did OLD, if a guy wasn't willing to meet after two weeks of communication, I cut off communication. If a guy lived more than a 50 minute drive to me, it was a no thank you. (I made an exception twice, with guys who lived an hour and 15 minutes from me, and they were both big mistakes). If his dating style didn't match mine, I said so and moved on. You usually have to date a boatload of men to find one who matches you in every major way. It'll take you far longer to find a keeper if you waste your time on guys like this who don't put in the effort you deserve. Delete and block his number. Hold out for the guy who makes it crystal clear how into you he is.

IMO, there would be something really mentally off with a person, male or female, who is 39 and would entertain dating someone who is 18. That's why she answered the way she did. Something that you will understand when your brain is fully formed, which usually happens at around age 25. Your idea that you will never find a partner in the next sixty or more years of your life is also a sign your brain needs maturing. If this lady considers you her best friend, yes, for your own good, I'd let her know your goal is to start hanging with people your own age, so you will no longer be available for regular communication. (She might like the ego boost you're a fan, but it's doing more harm than good for you.) What are your career/education goals? If you'll be starting college, this is the time a lot of people meet the most single people in their age group. Join a club or two you can be passionate about, and you will meet likeminded people. And don't immediately ask out a woman. You have to gradually get to know them and see if you see clues she'd say yes if you ask her out. Ask your guy friends if they have advice/constructive criticism. Are they witnessing something about you you could improve? Hair/wardrobe makeover? Practice in social skills/conversational skills. Too thirsty/desperate demeanor? Perhaps, therapy could help if your self-esteem is down the tubes. You won't meet a quality person until you feel good about yourself. Take care.

You honor what your brother has asked. If your gf ends up being mad at you, she is immature and no longer worth your time. If she breaks up with you, the relationship wasn't on a strong enough foundation to handle the stress and problems every life holds, and so your fate will lie with someone else. It's not ethical to tell your gf something told to you in confidence. If you think that make you an #$%, you're faulty in that thinking. If she breaks up, just know you were fine before meeting her 4 months ago, and you'll be fine without her if she leaves. She might surprise you and be mature and understanding and then you'll feel guilty for assuming the worst. When you explain yourself with conviction and confidence, you will gain respect. Don't let other people berate you for doing what's right. If that happens, walk away quickly and don't allow yourself to be verbally abused. Don't be apologetic for doing something ethically right.

Try not to go out more than twice a week at this early stage. Keep up with your friends and family time, solo time, hobbies/interests, education and career. A person with a fulfilling life BESIDES dating is a far more attractive dating prospect. Even if two people are on a high in the "honeymoon stage," too much of a good thing, like eating an entire chocolate cake, will wind up in disaster. If I were you, since it's Thursday, I'd call or text and say something like, "Had a great time with you. I wanted to treat you to ice-cream Sunday afternoon at XYZ if you're free." (Or whatever you feel like doing--see the new Jurassic movie, go bowling, or whatever you think would be fun.)

I'm glad you got your answer that he's romantically interested. I've never heard of becoming exclusive before you kiss. Best to know if there's a spark when you do kiss, so you don't tie yourself to someone who doesn't inspire fireworks. He's now asked you out 6 times, so it's time for you to make some effort with asking him out and paying when you do. When I was your age, I had to introduce every guy, on a first date, to my parents, but it was for safety, not because I was destined to marry the guy. You might want to get to know him a few months more before deciding to become exclusive, but that's your call. People reveal more and more about themselves as time goes by, so you want to have a wait-and-see attitude before making major decisions. Have fun!

This is emotional manipulation, and it's somewhat working on you and likely has delayed you pulling the plug sooner. I guess you're long distance, so I suppose with someone like him, a breakup will be easier over the phone since you can hang up if he starts begging, etc. If he threatens suicide, I'd tell him you'll be calling 911 and giving them his address. Don't let manipulative people control you. It's absolutely right to break up with someone like this, as everyone deserves a mentally healthy partner. I'd say, "This relationship isn't working for me. I wish you the best." I'm sure you've already communicated everything that hasn't worked for you, so don't let him keep you on the line longer than necessary. If he tries to talk over you, you talk over him and say, "I'm going no contact for both of our benefit. Good luck." And then block. It's not a cruel thing, and yes, best not to stay friends. He survived before he met you six months ago, and he'll survive after you leave. Take care.

It's really crappy behavior to hide from your bf the fact that your friend is your ex-FWB. There are some things you shouldn't ethically keep from a partner, and this is one of them. You're not giving him the benefit of the truth so he can make a choice to date a woman who hangs out with an ex-FWB, or to dump her. People end friendships all the time for various reasons, and this usually is because of maturity. They outgrow each other. The other person is toxic. And a variety of other reasons, including the reason that the friendship went into FWB territory, and now it's no longer a friendship and hanging out would sabotage attempts at having a serious boyfriend. You're really selfish to hide important info from your bf. It benefits you, but not him. How you're behaving is showing what your priorities are, and it totally isn't your bf. If he could read what you've written, and also that you consider him a 3, do you really think he'd want to be with you? The poor guy has no idea what's going on in your head, but we do. Please free him to be with someone who doesn't hide things from him and doesn't inspire valid jealousy. You'll be doing him a favor which he won't realize until he gets some needed space and distance from this fiasco.

You're young and inexperienced in adult romance and so your belief in "love conquers all" is understandable, but know that it's not true. For your own good, throw that by the wayside and think more about must-needs in a relationship and dealbreakers. You both are in the wrong in numerous ways, so it's no wonder this pimple of a relationship has popped. You consider this Jeff to be your closest friend, and yet your bf hasn't met him? Highly unusual. And you say that in the past, things between you two became "heated." You like to downplay things like this so you don't have to admit any wrongdoing. I'm assuming 'heated' means that you made out. IMO, once you've crossed that line, it's time to disengage from what used to be a friendship. Because no man with decent self-esteem will continue dating a woman spending one-on-one time with a man she once made out with. As for him, the one fact in itself to break it off is that he tries to control what you wear, plus stares at you like a stalker while he's with you in public to catch you in the crime of looking in the direction of another man. I've witnessed couples like this and they've all ended in divorce. Save yourself this waste of time and heartache and end things now. You're not ready to be in a serious relationship. That's okay. Enjoy your freedom and with more experience and perhaps reading some books on how to be successful in a relationship, you will find success in romance.

As Smackie9 said extremely well, you will never find anyone decent until your treatment for your anxiety and depression is working well. Shove the need for a man to the side for a good long time. It'll probably take a good year or two to get into a good headspace with the proper treatment. Sometimes the first medication and first psychiatrist doesn't work well with your needs, so sometimes there is tweaking needed, and that takes time. You give excuses to your behavior, but you are not a puppet with someone else pulling the strings. You're in charge of your actions, so you can start a better path this second to move yourself to a better place in life. Your idea of NC is nonsense. You're still involving yourself in his life and seeking out what he's saying and doing. Drop off the computer for a while so you're not tempted. How about doing volunteer work to get your mind off of your problems by helping someone else. Your life needs a major shakeup for the better. You can do this.

There is a good reason you don't consider moving in with someone or getting married before a year in. The first year, you're learning all about a person, well beyond the honeymoon period. And here you are, only 4 months in, and already observing many things you don't like about her. Well, what are you going to do with that information? She's apparently a person who doesn't meet your needs, so free yourself to meet someone who does.

Hmm, I wonder what her boyfriend would've thought if he'd been a fly on the wall all those weeks she put her head on your chest and squeezed her legs between yours. She's finally doing the right thing now, though still could've handled it even better than she has. And yet in hindsight, you seem not to see the forest for the trees, unable to see that a person like that isn't an ideal partner when she crosses relationship boundaries like this. You seem as though you're disappointed and are paying no mind to her inappropriate behavior, showing she has no respect for her boyfriend and the sanctity of their relationship. Maybe she did the same thing to her husband, and it's the reason for her divorce? For your own good, I hope you learn to spot these red flags when looking for another dating prospect.

Depending on where you live, you could be entitled to half of his pension if he has one, and half of his retirement savings at the date of the divorce if he has any. Do not feel guilty about getting what you deserve. There is a reason those rules are in place. I'd divorce as soon as possible for the sake of your children and yourself, before he squanders all of your combined money on more vacation trips, and whatever else he spends, on his affair partners. Even if you don't believe you deserve every bit of money owed to you, think of how it could come in handy if God forbid your kids need it for medical expenses and any other family emergencies. Don't let him guilt you out of it. You were supposed to be a team with combined income, not separate entities where the higher earner is the only one who benefits when the marriage tanks. Begin removing him from your credit cards and bank accounts if he his a co-owner. And do not leave the family home again. I think you were given bad advice there. Read more up on that matter. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

What's been her longest relationship to date? Could be that she lives for the excitement of new prospects always popping up on the horizon and isn't really ready for a serious relationship. Usually, when two people are in the highs of a new relationship, as you two were only 90 days in, the hormones are running so wild that if you're really into each other, nobody else on the planet even pings on the radar. Yes, I'd be concerned with her ethics, as usually people's ethics stay pretty steady unless an epiphany occurs. Perhaps this is her epiphany and her maturity level needed a wake-up call. Time will reveal all.

When I was single, I always went for earthy types of people, and not the type of schmoozer this woman is. To me, these people have a LOT of practice being touchy feely with the opposite sex, so you're really not the one who stands out among a crowd. In my experience, people like this know you have a crush on them, and they like to invoke attention, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, they're just not that into you enough to want to date you. Speaking as a woman, if I was really into a guy, if he asked me to get a bite to eat and I had a valid reason I couldn't, I would ALWAYS suggest an alternate activity or date. I would not let the opportunity slip by and would want to snap up the guy before he lost interest, etc. The Me Too movement is big right now. Even if she's the one being touchy feely, I wouldn't allow that behavior at work. Things could quickly go sideways with you being the one in trouble for something someone sees and reports, or she could get irritated with you and turn on you, since she does seem like a weirdo and could make trouble for you. If you're wanting to meet single women, try Meetup.com for singles in your age group. Good luck at your new job.